Out of the Shallows
Page 25
Grimly, I stared out of the office. “Yeah, well, my dad has a way of making me feel like a badly behaved four-year-old.”
“Hmm… it’s not got anything to do with that guy that was here a couple of weeks ago, does it?”
My eyes snapped to his face. “What guy?”
“That kid.” He gesticulated with a donut in hand. “The kid… you know… the kid you used to date. Jesus, I can’t remember his name.”
A wave of nausea crashed over me and I felt slightly faint as my heart rate knocked itself out of whack. “Jake? Jake Caplin?”
“Mmm-hmmm!” Milo nodded profusely as he chewed.
Jake had come to see my dad? And Dad hadn’t said anything.
I hurried out of the office and across the workshop to where Dad was glowering at a computer screen. “Dad, I know you’re working but we need to talk.”
He didn’t even look up at me. “Charley, I am working. I can’t talk.”
Maddened, I growled, “Jake came here and you didn’t tell me?”
Dad froze for a second but only for a second because suddenly, my arm was in his tight grasp and he was marching us both through the auto shop and out back into the courtyard.
“What did Jake want?” I asked without preamble.
Dad put his hands on his hips and stared at the ground for a bit. It took every bit of patience within me not to force an answer out of him.
Finally he looked at me, squinting against the low autumn sun. “Jake is worried about you. He was looking for answers, answers I couldn’t give him. He doesn’t seem to know why you two broke up but thinks I might be to blame.”
“Oh God,” I leaned against the building. “Everything is so messed up, Dad.”
“You want to know what I told him?”
Actually, I really wasn’t sure I did, but I nodded anyway.
“I told him maybe you broke up with him because he’s a jackass.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Eloquent, Dad.”
“What else was I supposed to say?”
“Not that,” I replied, infuriated. “I treated Jake horribly. No matter what you think of him, I shouldn’t have treated him the way I did, and he didn’t deserve that from you.”
Dad shook his head. “He was looking for answers in the wrong place—what did he expect? Only you can tell him why you broke up with him.” It sounded like a question but I ignored it.
Now that I had my Dad talking, I guess we had a more relevant topic to discuss. “You know, I came home this weekend to spend time with you. To try to mend fences.”
He cut me a look and his voice was hard when he replied, “This ain’t the fence you should be trying to mend.”
Shot down on my first attempt?
The unbending disappointment from him finally snapped something inside of me. “Are you perfect, Dad?” I yelled, jerking away from the auto shop’s wall.
“Charley, don’t start—”
“No, really, are you perfect? Can you just deal with anything life throws at you? Can you answer to your mistakes?” I sagged back against the building. “Haven’t you ever been so paralyzed, because you’re terrified whatever move you decide to make is the wrong one and it’ll just make everything worse?”
The quiet in my voice, the question, caused some of the hardness to soften in his eyes.
“You were one of my best friends,” I whispered, trying to hold down the emotion. I didn’t want to cry right now. I didn’t want to be hysterical. I just wanted him to stop hating me. “And now it’s like you can’t even stand to look at me… and I don’t know if I’ve really done anything to deserve that. I’m not perfect, Dad. I make mistakes, and sometimes I don’t know how to fix them. But you shutting me out… I feel alone.” And damn those f**king tears but they pushed forth, spilling down my cheeks. “I’m lonely.”
I heard my dad curse under his breath and the next thing he’d closed the distance between us and I was in his warm, safe, strong arms. He held me tight until my tears reduced to sniffles and then I felt him kiss my hair before leaning back to look down into my face. “Baby girl, I never meant to make you feel that way. I guess I just hold you to a higher standard than most. I ask more from you than I do others.”
I nodded and stepped back, wiping my cheeks. “I want to be the person you can hold to higher standards. I do. But I’ve gotten so stuck and I don’t how to break free.”
He brushed the hair off my face. “You start by taking control of your life, of your actions, Charley. You’ve got a few things to face and you need to take them one at a time. If I’ve been hard on you, it’s because this isn’t the Charley I know. You face things head on. You’re only going to start feeling better about yourself if you start dealing with everything. First thing…” He rubbed my shoulder in comfort. “Andie.”
I gave him a nod in agreement, sinking back against him for another hug, but in truth, my gut was churning. Facing that… I just didn’t know if I’d ever be ready.
Chapter Ten
When Dad left Edinburgh, he hadn’t changed his mind about Jake or my decision to become a cop. One great day of doing touristy stuff together and one seriously awkward and painful dinner with Jake later, Dad got on a plane back to the States. He told me he loved me and that he was glad I was okay. However, he also told me he would maybe take me more seriously if I were mature enough to pick up the phone and apologize to my sister.
I hated that I hadn’t spoken to Andie in weeks. I hated that right now she was pissed off and that she didn’t like me very much. I hated it even more that I didn’t like her very much right now. More than anything, I hated that she wasn’t there to talk to when I needed her the most. But I still didn’t feel like I was in the wrong. Stubbornly, I refused to call her, which meant my whole family was still pretty upset with me.
And Jake…
I was hurting him. I still hadn’t said I love you and each time he said it without a return, it looked like he was taking a bullet. Along with the hurt, I was beginning to sense his growing impatience. Because the truth was we both knew how I felt about him. I should’ve just said it out loud. I didn’t know why I couldn’t. It seemed my stubbornness extended from my dealings with my family to how I was handling Jake.
“Hmm… it’s not got anything to do with that guy that was here a couple of weeks ago, does it?”
My eyes snapped to his face. “What guy?”
“That kid.” He gesticulated with a donut in hand. “The kid… you know… the kid you used to date. Jesus, I can’t remember his name.”
A wave of nausea crashed over me and I felt slightly faint as my heart rate knocked itself out of whack. “Jake? Jake Caplin?”
“Mmm-hmmm!” Milo nodded profusely as he chewed.
Jake had come to see my dad? And Dad hadn’t said anything.
I hurried out of the office and across the workshop to where Dad was glowering at a computer screen. “Dad, I know you’re working but we need to talk.”
He didn’t even look up at me. “Charley, I am working. I can’t talk.”
Maddened, I growled, “Jake came here and you didn’t tell me?”
Dad froze for a second but only for a second because suddenly, my arm was in his tight grasp and he was marching us both through the auto shop and out back into the courtyard.
“What did Jake want?” I asked without preamble.
Dad put his hands on his hips and stared at the ground for a bit. It took every bit of patience within me not to force an answer out of him.
Finally he looked at me, squinting against the low autumn sun. “Jake is worried about you. He was looking for answers, answers I couldn’t give him. He doesn’t seem to know why you two broke up but thinks I might be to blame.”
“Oh God,” I leaned against the building. “Everything is so messed up, Dad.”
“You want to know what I told him?”
Actually, I really wasn’t sure I did, but I nodded anyway.
“I told him maybe you broke up with him because he’s a jackass.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Eloquent, Dad.”
“What else was I supposed to say?”
“Not that,” I replied, infuriated. “I treated Jake horribly. No matter what you think of him, I shouldn’t have treated him the way I did, and he didn’t deserve that from you.”
Dad shook his head. “He was looking for answers in the wrong place—what did he expect? Only you can tell him why you broke up with him.” It sounded like a question but I ignored it.
Now that I had my Dad talking, I guess we had a more relevant topic to discuss. “You know, I came home this weekend to spend time with you. To try to mend fences.”
He cut me a look and his voice was hard when he replied, “This ain’t the fence you should be trying to mend.”
Shot down on my first attempt?
The unbending disappointment from him finally snapped something inside of me. “Are you perfect, Dad?” I yelled, jerking away from the auto shop’s wall.
“Charley, don’t start—”
“No, really, are you perfect? Can you just deal with anything life throws at you? Can you answer to your mistakes?” I sagged back against the building. “Haven’t you ever been so paralyzed, because you’re terrified whatever move you decide to make is the wrong one and it’ll just make everything worse?”
The quiet in my voice, the question, caused some of the hardness to soften in his eyes.
“You were one of my best friends,” I whispered, trying to hold down the emotion. I didn’t want to cry right now. I didn’t want to be hysterical. I just wanted him to stop hating me. “And now it’s like you can’t even stand to look at me… and I don’t know if I’ve really done anything to deserve that. I’m not perfect, Dad. I make mistakes, and sometimes I don’t know how to fix them. But you shutting me out… I feel alone.” And damn those f**king tears but they pushed forth, spilling down my cheeks. “I’m lonely.”
I heard my dad curse under his breath and the next thing he’d closed the distance between us and I was in his warm, safe, strong arms. He held me tight until my tears reduced to sniffles and then I felt him kiss my hair before leaning back to look down into my face. “Baby girl, I never meant to make you feel that way. I guess I just hold you to a higher standard than most. I ask more from you than I do others.”
I nodded and stepped back, wiping my cheeks. “I want to be the person you can hold to higher standards. I do. But I’ve gotten so stuck and I don’t how to break free.”
He brushed the hair off my face. “You start by taking control of your life, of your actions, Charley. You’ve got a few things to face and you need to take them one at a time. If I’ve been hard on you, it’s because this isn’t the Charley I know. You face things head on. You’re only going to start feeling better about yourself if you start dealing with everything. First thing…” He rubbed my shoulder in comfort. “Andie.”
I gave him a nod in agreement, sinking back against him for another hug, but in truth, my gut was churning. Facing that… I just didn’t know if I’d ever be ready.
Chapter Ten
When Dad left Edinburgh, he hadn’t changed his mind about Jake or my decision to become a cop. One great day of doing touristy stuff together and one seriously awkward and painful dinner with Jake later, Dad got on a plane back to the States. He told me he loved me and that he was glad I was okay. However, he also told me he would maybe take me more seriously if I were mature enough to pick up the phone and apologize to my sister.
I hated that I hadn’t spoken to Andie in weeks. I hated that right now she was pissed off and that she didn’t like me very much. I hated it even more that I didn’t like her very much right now. More than anything, I hated that she wasn’t there to talk to when I needed her the most. But I still didn’t feel like I was in the wrong. Stubbornly, I refused to call her, which meant my whole family was still pretty upset with me.
And Jake…
I was hurting him. I still hadn’t said I love you and each time he said it without a return, it looked like he was taking a bullet. Along with the hurt, I was beginning to sense his growing impatience. Because the truth was we both knew how I felt about him. I should’ve just said it out loud. I didn’t know why I couldn’t. It seemed my stubbornness extended from my dealings with my family to how I was handling Jake.
