Out of the Shallows
Page 50
We were silent for a while, taking in the magnitude of what Beck was going through. I never wanted to be in a position to understand what he was dealing with. It was bad enough being distant with my father these last few months. I couldn’t imagine losing him completely.
“It all comes back to me walking away when I was seventeen,” Jake suddenly said, jolting me out of my thoughts.
Confused, I said, “What does?”
“Everything that’s happened to us. Brett’s death. Me breaking up with you. The shit we went through to find each other again only for your parents and sister not to forgive me like you did. You stopped talking to Andie because of it, Andie got in an accident, you blamed yourself, you made a pact with God and now have this irrational fear, irrational but real nonetheless, which means you’re afraid we can’t be together.” Jake shook his head. “I don’t believe that. I don’t believe that we have to keep being punished for what happened when we were kids. I don’t believe that the choices we both made to walk away from each other define us. I don’t believe that we can’t trust one another, and I don’t believe that we wouldn’t make it work a third time around. If you and Andie, if you and your parents, hadn’t fallen out before the accident, I’m one hundred percent sure you would have had me by your side during Andie’s coma. You would have let me in. I really believe that fate just got in the way of this one.” He grabbed my hand, his eyes imploring. “But really, we’re still kids, Charley. We’ve got so much to work out about ourselves and about life. Who says then that this is all we get? We’ve got a whole lifetime that we could use to make up for our past.”
Although my heart was pounding from his optimism, I found myself attempting to remind him of one glaring fact. “But Jake—”
“I know, I know. Your fear.” He sighed and sat back in his seat. “We can’t be together until you work it out, Charley. We can’t be together until you work it all out. Your sister, your parents, your career—you. Go home and face your sister, Supergirl.” He brought my hand to his mouth and pressed a gentle kiss upon my knuckles. “Go home and find yourself. Take all the time you need. And when you’re done and if you still want me,” he gave me a sad, crooked, boyish smile, “come and find me.”
Chapter Eighteen
There was a possibility I was going to upchuck all over my sister and Rick’s front stoop. It felt like one minute I’d been in San Francisco and the next I was in Beverly ready to face the firing squad.
It wasn’t a minute but it was only eight hours.
What Jake had said to me in the SUV was absolutely right. I’d known it was right for over five months but after my first semester in Edinburgh, I thought I finally had a grasp on who I was and where I was going. So to suddenly find myself lost was overwhelming. I hadn’t handled the uncertainty of what lay ahead for me. I’d let myself be changed by the cracks in what had always been a strong family bond and rather than face those changes, I’d run from them and all the reasons for their existence.
Perhaps if I’d confided in Jake sooner, I would’ve ended up on Andie’s doorstep months ago. Or perhaps I needed the time and distance from all the players in my story to find my way back to them. I guess I’d never know. And I knew I’d never know if Andie and I could find our way back if I didn’t knock on her door.
Claudia and Beck had been really understanding. Beck was coping with his own issues and I didn’t want to take anything away from that. The road trip was about him and I needed to let the three of them go so they could help him work that out. I was going to call my parents and ask them to book me a flight to Chicago from San Francisco, but Claudia insisted on using her parents’ credit card. I tried to say no. Our road trip had been funded by that credit card and I didn’t want to take advantage. Claudia said it was the only thing her parents were good for, so in the end, that—and my desire to hold onto my courage while I still had it—was the reason I accepted her help.
I got a taxi to the airport, leaving the three of them at the beach.
I couldn’t bear to say to goodbye to Jake in the airport… I didn’t know when or if I’d ever say hello to him again. We shared a look before I got in the taxi, his so hopeful and mine filled with regret. I’d treated him terribly these last few months and yet it hadn’t stopped him from trying to save me.
Suddenly my sister’s door flew open and there she was.
Beautiful and fresh-faced, Andie was standing upright and she looked healthy. Her expression, however, was blank. “Were you planning on knocking or are you holding out for a career as a porch ornament?”
Feeling breathless, I whispered, “Funny.”
Andie stood back from the doorway and made a gesture for me to come inside. “You’re only seven months late.”
I flinched but somehow managed to meet her eyes as I stepped inside her home for the first time since her accident. She shut the door and I waited for her to make the next move. The fact that I felt like a complete stranger in her house made me even more nauseated than before. Panic held me to the spot.
Andie eyed me for a second. Whatever she saw made the flatness in her eyes disappear. Concern shone through. “Don’t look at me like that,” she said. “It doesn’t suit you.”
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out.
After a moment of intense scrutiny, Andie nodded. “I know. Come on.” She walked through her spacious entry hall and into the living room. “Rick’s at work.”
“Probably a good thing,” I muttered.
“Why’s that?” She flopped down into the armchair and I realized my parents’ reports on her recovery were true, and I’d missed all her hard work.
I shrugged as I lowered myself onto her couch. “I’m guessing he’s not too happy with me right now.”
Instead of yay or naying my suspicions, Andie just stared at me.
Forcing the nausea aside and trying to find the me who wouldn’t be intimidated, I kept my gaze steady on hers. “How have you been? How has the recovery been?”
“My recovery has been fine. I missed my own graduation and I was worried for a while that the job I had waiting for me was in jeopardy, but it all worked out.” She shrugged, barely giving me any emotion.
I narrowed my eyes. “Are you just telling me what you’ve been telling everyone else?”
“It all comes back to me walking away when I was seventeen,” Jake suddenly said, jolting me out of my thoughts.
Confused, I said, “What does?”
“Everything that’s happened to us. Brett’s death. Me breaking up with you. The shit we went through to find each other again only for your parents and sister not to forgive me like you did. You stopped talking to Andie because of it, Andie got in an accident, you blamed yourself, you made a pact with God and now have this irrational fear, irrational but real nonetheless, which means you’re afraid we can’t be together.” Jake shook his head. “I don’t believe that. I don’t believe that we have to keep being punished for what happened when we were kids. I don’t believe that the choices we both made to walk away from each other define us. I don’t believe that we can’t trust one another, and I don’t believe that we wouldn’t make it work a third time around. If you and Andie, if you and your parents, hadn’t fallen out before the accident, I’m one hundred percent sure you would have had me by your side during Andie’s coma. You would have let me in. I really believe that fate just got in the way of this one.” He grabbed my hand, his eyes imploring. “But really, we’re still kids, Charley. We’ve got so much to work out about ourselves and about life. Who says then that this is all we get? We’ve got a whole lifetime that we could use to make up for our past.”
Although my heart was pounding from his optimism, I found myself attempting to remind him of one glaring fact. “But Jake—”
“I know, I know. Your fear.” He sighed and sat back in his seat. “We can’t be together until you work it out, Charley. We can’t be together until you work it all out. Your sister, your parents, your career—you. Go home and face your sister, Supergirl.” He brought my hand to his mouth and pressed a gentle kiss upon my knuckles. “Go home and find yourself. Take all the time you need. And when you’re done and if you still want me,” he gave me a sad, crooked, boyish smile, “come and find me.”
Chapter Eighteen
There was a possibility I was going to upchuck all over my sister and Rick’s front stoop. It felt like one minute I’d been in San Francisco and the next I was in Beverly ready to face the firing squad.
It wasn’t a minute but it was only eight hours.
What Jake had said to me in the SUV was absolutely right. I’d known it was right for over five months but after my first semester in Edinburgh, I thought I finally had a grasp on who I was and where I was going. So to suddenly find myself lost was overwhelming. I hadn’t handled the uncertainty of what lay ahead for me. I’d let myself be changed by the cracks in what had always been a strong family bond and rather than face those changes, I’d run from them and all the reasons for their existence.
Perhaps if I’d confided in Jake sooner, I would’ve ended up on Andie’s doorstep months ago. Or perhaps I needed the time and distance from all the players in my story to find my way back to them. I guess I’d never know. And I knew I’d never know if Andie and I could find our way back if I didn’t knock on her door.
Claudia and Beck had been really understanding. Beck was coping with his own issues and I didn’t want to take anything away from that. The road trip was about him and I needed to let the three of them go so they could help him work that out. I was going to call my parents and ask them to book me a flight to Chicago from San Francisco, but Claudia insisted on using her parents’ credit card. I tried to say no. Our road trip had been funded by that credit card and I didn’t want to take advantage. Claudia said it was the only thing her parents were good for, so in the end, that—and my desire to hold onto my courage while I still had it—was the reason I accepted her help.
I got a taxi to the airport, leaving the three of them at the beach.
I couldn’t bear to say to goodbye to Jake in the airport… I didn’t know when or if I’d ever say hello to him again. We shared a look before I got in the taxi, his so hopeful and mine filled with regret. I’d treated him terribly these last few months and yet it hadn’t stopped him from trying to save me.
Suddenly my sister’s door flew open and there she was.
Beautiful and fresh-faced, Andie was standing upright and she looked healthy. Her expression, however, was blank. “Were you planning on knocking or are you holding out for a career as a porch ornament?”
Feeling breathless, I whispered, “Funny.”
Andie stood back from the doorway and made a gesture for me to come inside. “You’re only seven months late.”
I flinched but somehow managed to meet her eyes as I stepped inside her home for the first time since her accident. She shut the door and I waited for her to make the next move. The fact that I felt like a complete stranger in her house made me even more nauseated than before. Panic held me to the spot.
Andie eyed me for a second. Whatever she saw made the flatness in her eyes disappear. Concern shone through. “Don’t look at me like that,” she said. “It doesn’t suit you.”
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out.
After a moment of intense scrutiny, Andie nodded. “I know. Come on.” She walked through her spacious entry hall and into the living room. “Rick’s at work.”
“Probably a good thing,” I muttered.
“Why’s that?” She flopped down into the armchair and I realized my parents’ reports on her recovery were true, and I’d missed all her hard work.
I shrugged as I lowered myself onto her couch. “I’m guessing he’s not too happy with me right now.”
Instead of yay or naying my suspicions, Andie just stared at me.
Forcing the nausea aside and trying to find the me who wouldn’t be intimidated, I kept my gaze steady on hers. “How have you been? How has the recovery been?”
“My recovery has been fine. I missed my own graduation and I was worried for a while that the job I had waiting for me was in jeopardy, but it all worked out.” She shrugged, barely giving me any emotion.
I narrowed my eyes. “Are you just telling me what you’ve been telling everyone else?”
