Out of the Shallows
Page 8
“That’s still not an answer. And I can see how upset you are right now, so I’m not believing the whole unaffected shit you’re trying to pull.” Suddenly, I felt his hand wrap around my wrist. I jerked away instinctively, knowing if I let him touch me, I’d break in an instant. Catching sight of the hurt in his eyes gutted me. “You could stop acting like this. You could just be honest and tell me what the hell is going through your head.”
“I’ve chosen them,” I said abruptly, wanting this conversation to be over. “That’s what I said to you when we broke up, and I meant it. When I pushed you away, that was me choosing my family over you. That’s all this is.”
The muscle in his jaw flexed. “Why does it have to be an either-or situation? We can work on bringing them around. That was the plan all along.”
“It’s not anymore.” I made myself meet his eyes, forcing all the conviction I could into mine. “I hurt them for you, Jake. I put you first and now I’ve damaged my relationship with them. Maybe irreparably. I have to try to fix that, so…” I shrugged unhappily, every part of my body screaming at my mouth not say it. “You and I are over.”
He lowered his gaze from mine as he rubbed a hand over the scruff on his jaw. I felt a little punch to my gut as I realized his hand was trembling slightly.
“Jake?”
A couple of kids pushed past us and Jake took that opportunity to turn his back on me, staring out across the street with his hands locked tight behind his head.
I gave him his space but waiting on his reaction was excruciating.
Finally he turned back to me. The anger in his eyes was there for all to see but his words were careful, controlled. “I thought if I came here and you had to face me, then you’d see what a colossal mistake this is. But that’s not going to happen, is it?”
“No…” I shrugged helplessly. “I’m sorry.”
“So that’s it?” he said, and I found myself growing confused by the anger and pain in his eyes and the calmness of his tone. “We’re no longer fighting for us?”
I waited until an approaching couple had passed out of earshot before I said, “We’ve hurt each other. Maybe we could get past that, but right now I have to work on myself and my relationship with my parents. You and I are a lot, Jake. You know we are. We’re drama. I can’t deal with that. Plus, I’m taking the LSATs this year so I’ll be too busy—”
“You’re what?” he said, surprise written all over his face.
I ignored the stab of disappointment I felt. I wasn’t interested in analyzing whether it came from him or from within myself. “I’m not going to be a cop.”
Jake stared at me silently for a few seconds. There was a confused and wary aspect in his eyes as he gestured to me. “You really aren’t you right now, are you?”
Frowning, I looked away. “I’m me. I’m just not yesterday’s me.”
For a while we didn’t say anything. My body was eager to get away from him. Somehow around Jake, I felt stripped bare in front of a mirror and I wasn’t too fond of the reflection staring back at me.
“Can we still be friends? Your parents were all right when we were friends.”
Now it was my turn to be surprised. “You want to stay in my life? After what I’ve put you through these last five months?”
That little tick of muscle in his jaw and the glitter in his eyes gave away his anger, but the words tumbling out of his mouth belied it. “You forgave me once. I’m forgiving you. I want us to be friends. You don’t have to shut me out of your life, Charley.”
I knew it would be easier to do just that. Last time it had been too hard to be around him and just be friends.
Yet now that I had him in front of me again, I couldn’t find the words to deny him. It would be easier this time. He went to Northwestern, I went to Purdue. We were almost three hours apart. Our friendship would fizzle out on its own without me having to be the one to sever the undeniable connection between us. Time and distance would do that.
“Okay,” I agreed.
We walked for a little while before deciding to make our way back to the bar. I asked about his family, about school, about his summer touring with The Stolen. His one-word answers didn’t exactly scream, “Let’s be friends,” which made me even more bewildered by his attitude about our breakup.
He was visibly upset, clearly pissed off, and yet his words were strangely calm and accepting.
I had no idea what was going on.
Stepping into the bar, I saw the stage was empty. The band had finished their set and the jukebox was playing Arcade Fire.
My Claudia radar found her pressed into the near right corner of the bar. Beck had his hands on the wall at either side of Claudia’s head, his own head bent toward her. By their body language and the look on Claudia’s face, I’d say they were arguing. Their reunion apparently was going as well as Jake’s and mine had.
“Charley!”
I walked toward the shout of my name, smiling at Lowe as he stood up from the table the guys were sharing with Alex and Sharon. I hugged Lowe, taken aback by how happy he was to see me. Denver and Matt equally so, their hugs just as long and tight. In all honesty, I’d been preparing myself for their defection. It would’ve made sense if they’d taken Jake’s side in this whole thing.
I did notice a look passing between Lowe and Jake, however, and Lowe got a little quiet with me after that. Matt and Denver, not so much.
“You should’ve seen the tail I picked up this summer, Charley.” Matt smirked, as he leaned back in his chair.
I smirked right back. “Tail?”
“I could’ve said worse. That was me censorizing myself.”
Denver snorted. “You need to stop with the weed, Matt. It truly is killing your brain cells. And your vocabulary.”
I laughed. It was like we’d never been apart. “I take it the mini-tour went well.”
Denver nodded. “It was great. We got permission to film in a lot of the bars and our live sets are getting a lot of exposure on YouTube. We’re just waiting for a label to see it.”
I frowned, turning to Lowe. “No luck on the demos you sent out?”
Lowe shook his head and took a drink, his eyes on the table and not on me.
I sighed.
Great.
“I’ve chosen them,” I said abruptly, wanting this conversation to be over. “That’s what I said to you when we broke up, and I meant it. When I pushed you away, that was me choosing my family over you. That’s all this is.”
The muscle in his jaw flexed. “Why does it have to be an either-or situation? We can work on bringing them around. That was the plan all along.”
“It’s not anymore.” I made myself meet his eyes, forcing all the conviction I could into mine. “I hurt them for you, Jake. I put you first and now I’ve damaged my relationship with them. Maybe irreparably. I have to try to fix that, so…” I shrugged unhappily, every part of my body screaming at my mouth not say it. “You and I are over.”
He lowered his gaze from mine as he rubbed a hand over the scruff on his jaw. I felt a little punch to my gut as I realized his hand was trembling slightly.
“Jake?”
A couple of kids pushed past us and Jake took that opportunity to turn his back on me, staring out across the street with his hands locked tight behind his head.
I gave him his space but waiting on his reaction was excruciating.
Finally he turned back to me. The anger in his eyes was there for all to see but his words were careful, controlled. “I thought if I came here and you had to face me, then you’d see what a colossal mistake this is. But that’s not going to happen, is it?”
“No…” I shrugged helplessly. “I’m sorry.”
“So that’s it?” he said, and I found myself growing confused by the anger and pain in his eyes and the calmness of his tone. “We’re no longer fighting for us?”
I waited until an approaching couple had passed out of earshot before I said, “We’ve hurt each other. Maybe we could get past that, but right now I have to work on myself and my relationship with my parents. You and I are a lot, Jake. You know we are. We’re drama. I can’t deal with that. Plus, I’m taking the LSATs this year so I’ll be too busy—”
“You’re what?” he said, surprise written all over his face.
I ignored the stab of disappointment I felt. I wasn’t interested in analyzing whether it came from him or from within myself. “I’m not going to be a cop.”
Jake stared at me silently for a few seconds. There was a confused and wary aspect in his eyes as he gestured to me. “You really aren’t you right now, are you?”
Frowning, I looked away. “I’m me. I’m just not yesterday’s me.”
For a while we didn’t say anything. My body was eager to get away from him. Somehow around Jake, I felt stripped bare in front of a mirror and I wasn’t too fond of the reflection staring back at me.
“Can we still be friends? Your parents were all right when we were friends.”
Now it was my turn to be surprised. “You want to stay in my life? After what I’ve put you through these last five months?”
That little tick of muscle in his jaw and the glitter in his eyes gave away his anger, but the words tumbling out of his mouth belied it. “You forgave me once. I’m forgiving you. I want us to be friends. You don’t have to shut me out of your life, Charley.”
I knew it would be easier to do just that. Last time it had been too hard to be around him and just be friends.
Yet now that I had him in front of me again, I couldn’t find the words to deny him. It would be easier this time. He went to Northwestern, I went to Purdue. We were almost three hours apart. Our friendship would fizzle out on its own without me having to be the one to sever the undeniable connection between us. Time and distance would do that.
“Okay,” I agreed.
We walked for a little while before deciding to make our way back to the bar. I asked about his family, about school, about his summer touring with The Stolen. His one-word answers didn’t exactly scream, “Let’s be friends,” which made me even more bewildered by his attitude about our breakup.
He was visibly upset, clearly pissed off, and yet his words were strangely calm and accepting.
I had no idea what was going on.
Stepping into the bar, I saw the stage was empty. The band had finished their set and the jukebox was playing Arcade Fire.
My Claudia radar found her pressed into the near right corner of the bar. Beck had his hands on the wall at either side of Claudia’s head, his own head bent toward her. By their body language and the look on Claudia’s face, I’d say they were arguing. Their reunion apparently was going as well as Jake’s and mine had.
“Charley!”
I walked toward the shout of my name, smiling at Lowe as he stood up from the table the guys were sharing with Alex and Sharon. I hugged Lowe, taken aback by how happy he was to see me. Denver and Matt equally so, their hugs just as long and tight. In all honesty, I’d been preparing myself for their defection. It would’ve made sense if they’d taken Jake’s side in this whole thing.
I did notice a look passing between Lowe and Jake, however, and Lowe got a little quiet with me after that. Matt and Denver, not so much.
“You should’ve seen the tail I picked up this summer, Charley.” Matt smirked, as he leaned back in his chair.
I smirked right back. “Tail?”
“I could’ve said worse. That was me censorizing myself.”
Denver snorted. “You need to stop with the weed, Matt. It truly is killing your brain cells. And your vocabulary.”
I laughed. It was like we’d never been apart. “I take it the mini-tour went well.”
Denver nodded. “It was great. We got permission to film in a lot of the bars and our live sets are getting a lot of exposure on YouTube. We’re just waiting for a label to see it.”
I frowned, turning to Lowe. “No luck on the demos you sent out?”
Lowe shook his head and took a drink, his eyes on the table and not on me.
I sighed.
Great.
