Overtime
Page 74
She prayed she did, at least.
“I would have ruined you,” he whispered against her temple and her breath caught at his affirmation. “If I would have tried in the state I was in, we wouldn’t have made it. I didn’t tell you how bad it was because I didn’t think I had a problem. I made excuse after excuse for everything I did, when, really, it was because I didn’t love myself. How could I love you when I didn’t even love myself?”
Moving her face out from underneath his, she looked up at him. “I tried to love you enough for both of us.”
“I know,” he said, his voice raspy and full of emotion. “And that’s not fair. I knew I wasn’t the man for you. I knew I would hurt you, cheat on you, or do something equally stupid. I couldn’t risk it. Hell, I’m nervous now that something could happen, that I could relapse and let you down, but I gotta live, Kacey. I have to be who I want to be, and that person is yours.”
Her eyes slowly filled with tears, his face blurring out until she blinked them away. “I’d really like that, Jordie, and you won’t relapse because I’m gonna be there for you. I’m going to help.”
“I might need it,” he admitted shyly, and she reached up, brushing her thumb along his lip.
“I’m here. I was always here,” she reminded him and he nodded.
“I’m not letting go this time.”
“Neither am I. In it to win it,” she said, her lips curving into a small smile. Soon his face broke into one too, his fingers catching her tears. His eyes searched hers, and his arms wrapped around her and she swore they were about to become one as he squeezed her so tightly. Honestly, she was okay with that. She had yearned for him for so long and now having him was almost a fantasy.
“I’m sorry, so fucking sorry for everything, baby,” he whispered against her lips and she nodded slowly.
“I forgave you a long time ago,” she admitted, her nose moving along his, her lips grazing his. “I knew what I was getting into.”
“It shouldn’t have ever been like that. I should have loved you the way I wanted to.”
“But you do now,” she declared.
“And I won’t stop.”
He said it as a promise.
One she prayed he’d keep.
Because she couldn’t do the heartache again.
She just couldn’t.
Jordie hadn’t expected after the way Kacey ran out of the restaurant that he would be lying in her bed with her in his arms, but he was pretty sure he was grinning from ear to ear with no plans of ever wiping it off his face. Cuddling her closer, he kissed her nose as she looked deep into his eyes. She was so beautiful, so delicate but strong as an ox. He had done her so dirty but, yet, here she was, trusting him again. He didn’t deserve her, but he’d be damned if he’d let her go. This was it. She was his.
“We should probably get a shower,” he murmured against her lips. “I bet you’re hungry.”
On cue, her stomach growled and she giggled. “Yeah, I am. But just a few more minutes,” she said, nuzzling her nose against his beard.
She’d always had a thing for his beard and it pleased him to no end. She was the reason he didn’t shave it off, despite Regina’s request every time she saw him. He didn’t care one way or another; he liked it but didn’t need it. But Kacey, she loved it. There were plenty of times in the last year where he’d wanted to just chop it all off, but then she’d nuzzle her nose in it and ask him not to.
So he didn’t.
He now knew he’d always loved her, had since he first saw her. But he’d fought it so hard and, as he held her, he wondered why he’d been so clueless. This woman loved with everything inside her. Her eyes made him feel worshiped, her body made him feel good, and her love made him feel complete. He’d had this in his grasp and, instead of taking ahold of her, he’d pushed her away. He wanted to hate himself for it, but really, it was all meant to be. He had to be sober to actually appreciate her. To be what she needed. And now he was more than ready. He just hoped she was too.
Kissing her nose again, he asked, “So you’re giving me another chance?”
“Yeah. I think I am.”
“We are together, right?”
He saw her cheeks rise like she was smiling as she said, “Oh, I thought we were gonna keep it light. Like before.”
He heard the teasing in her voice and he smiled against her. “Nope, I want more.”
She looked up at him, her eyes bright and her grin unstoppable. “Good, ’cause that was the only thing I would accept.”
“Me too,” he said, rolling over and bringing her with him. Her legs came to the sides of his hips while her elbows came down on his chest, bracing her head as she looked down at him. When her brows came together, his matched hers as he asked, “What?”
“Something is running down my leg.”
He grinned. “Probably my love juices.”
“You didn’t use a condom?” she asked, shocked, but when the hell had he had time to put one on?
“No,” he admitted. “I didn’t even think about it.”
She gave him a panicked look. “You better be clean.”
He scoffed. “Very much so. I haven’t even had sex in eight months, so I’m sure if I had something, I’d know by now, what with all the testing in rehab.”
Her mouth fell open. “Really?”
“I would have ruined you,” he whispered against her temple and her breath caught at his affirmation. “If I would have tried in the state I was in, we wouldn’t have made it. I didn’t tell you how bad it was because I didn’t think I had a problem. I made excuse after excuse for everything I did, when, really, it was because I didn’t love myself. How could I love you when I didn’t even love myself?”
Moving her face out from underneath his, she looked up at him. “I tried to love you enough for both of us.”
“I know,” he said, his voice raspy and full of emotion. “And that’s not fair. I knew I wasn’t the man for you. I knew I would hurt you, cheat on you, or do something equally stupid. I couldn’t risk it. Hell, I’m nervous now that something could happen, that I could relapse and let you down, but I gotta live, Kacey. I have to be who I want to be, and that person is yours.”
Her eyes slowly filled with tears, his face blurring out until she blinked them away. “I’d really like that, Jordie, and you won’t relapse because I’m gonna be there for you. I’m going to help.”
“I might need it,” he admitted shyly, and she reached up, brushing her thumb along his lip.
“I’m here. I was always here,” she reminded him and he nodded.
“I’m not letting go this time.”
“Neither am I. In it to win it,” she said, her lips curving into a small smile. Soon his face broke into one too, his fingers catching her tears. His eyes searched hers, and his arms wrapped around her and she swore they were about to become one as he squeezed her so tightly. Honestly, she was okay with that. She had yearned for him for so long and now having him was almost a fantasy.
“I’m sorry, so fucking sorry for everything, baby,” he whispered against her lips and she nodded slowly.
“I forgave you a long time ago,” she admitted, her nose moving along his, her lips grazing his. “I knew what I was getting into.”
“It shouldn’t have ever been like that. I should have loved you the way I wanted to.”
“But you do now,” she declared.
“And I won’t stop.”
He said it as a promise.
One she prayed he’d keep.
Because she couldn’t do the heartache again.
She just couldn’t.
Jordie hadn’t expected after the way Kacey ran out of the restaurant that he would be lying in her bed with her in his arms, but he was pretty sure he was grinning from ear to ear with no plans of ever wiping it off his face. Cuddling her closer, he kissed her nose as she looked deep into his eyes. She was so beautiful, so delicate but strong as an ox. He had done her so dirty but, yet, here she was, trusting him again. He didn’t deserve her, but he’d be damned if he’d let her go. This was it. She was his.
“We should probably get a shower,” he murmured against her lips. “I bet you’re hungry.”
On cue, her stomach growled and she giggled. “Yeah, I am. But just a few more minutes,” she said, nuzzling her nose against his beard.
She’d always had a thing for his beard and it pleased him to no end. She was the reason he didn’t shave it off, despite Regina’s request every time she saw him. He didn’t care one way or another; he liked it but didn’t need it. But Kacey, she loved it. There were plenty of times in the last year where he’d wanted to just chop it all off, but then she’d nuzzle her nose in it and ask him not to.
So he didn’t.
He now knew he’d always loved her, had since he first saw her. But he’d fought it so hard and, as he held her, he wondered why he’d been so clueless. This woman loved with everything inside her. Her eyes made him feel worshiped, her body made him feel good, and her love made him feel complete. He’d had this in his grasp and, instead of taking ahold of her, he’d pushed her away. He wanted to hate himself for it, but really, it was all meant to be. He had to be sober to actually appreciate her. To be what she needed. And now he was more than ready. He just hoped she was too.
Kissing her nose again, he asked, “So you’re giving me another chance?”
“Yeah. I think I am.”
“We are together, right?”
He saw her cheeks rise like she was smiling as she said, “Oh, I thought we were gonna keep it light. Like before.”
He heard the teasing in her voice and he smiled against her. “Nope, I want more.”
She looked up at him, her eyes bright and her grin unstoppable. “Good, ’cause that was the only thing I would accept.”
“Me too,” he said, rolling over and bringing her with him. Her legs came to the sides of his hips while her elbows came down on his chest, bracing her head as she looked down at him. When her brows came together, his matched hers as he asked, “What?”
“Something is running down my leg.”
He grinned. “Probably my love juices.”
“You didn’t use a condom?” she asked, shocked, but when the hell had he had time to put one on?
“No,” he admitted. “I didn’t even think about it.”
She gave him a panicked look. “You better be clean.”
He scoffed. “Very much so. I haven’t even had sex in eight months, so I’m sure if I had something, I’d know by now, what with all the testing in rehab.”
Her mouth fell open. “Really?”
