Panic
Page 4
He drops the smile now and stares hard just past my head, like he’s thinking. I hold my breath as I wait for him to say something and when he finally begins to talk, it’s soft and low. “We f**ked Mardee up pretty good. We were all tight—Mardee, Ronin, Spencer, and me. A sort of unit. Even though Ronin and I never got along well, it was different when the four of us were together. It was… just different. And you stunned me last summer when you asked me that question, Rook. I didn’t know what to say.”
“What question?”
“Who was I chasing.” He lets out a long breath. “Her. I’m chasing her. I’m trying to catch up with all the mistakes we made. It’s funny how you take people for granted.” He looks me in the eye for this part. “We took her for granted. We used her, we…”
I wait him out, patient, like he is with me.
He takes a drink and swallows hard before continuing. “Ronin blames himself for not paying attention to her, and Spencer blames himself for bringing her around the drugs, but we all played a part. You two really have nothing in common, but every time I look at you, I see her. And it just…” He stops to shake his head. “I just want you to succeed so badly. It feels good to watch you grow stronger.”
I’m not sure what to say. I knew this Mardee girl weighed on Ronin’s conscience, but it seems to go much deeper than that. There’s a lot more to this story than they’ve told me, but Ford was right about something else he told me last summer. I’m a keeper. A secret-keeper, just like they are. And I’m not sure I want to keep their secrets as well as mine. I’m not sure I can handle that right now.
So if these guys do have more secrets, they can keep them. I’m totally OK with that and I take my chance to change the subject before I learn something I might not want to know. “I am getting better, though. And you’re helping me. All three of you are helping me, actually. You with the running and school, Ronin with trust and relationships, and Spencer with the jobs. I’m so lucky to have you guys.”
“I’m enjoying you too, Rook. You’ve taught me a few things as well.”
I choke down a snort. “Like what?”
He begins to talk, but stops the words at the last second. His gaze sweeps across the baseball field below, then rests back on me. “Emotions have been… very difficult for me. It’s true what Ronin said. I wouldn’t say I have none, or that I’m incapable like my father thought. It’s not that I don’t or can’t feel things like that. It’s that I don’t want to. I just don’t care about people.” He throws up his hands. “That’s my dirtiest secret and now you have it. I just don’t give a f**k about people, I really don’t.”
I can’t help myself because these personal conversations with Ford are not common, so I ask. “Did you care about Mardee?”
“I did,” he says with a sigh.
“And she preferred Ronin?”
He’s the one who almost snorts this time. “Don’t they all?” He looks over at me. “Don’t you all prefer Ronin?”
I rest my elbows back on the concrete step behind me and then stretch my legs out. “You’re a nice-looking guy, Ford. So is Spencer. I’m not sure one could actually choose between the three of you. You’re all good catches. Equally desirable in different ways.”
He screws up his face. “How is Spencer desirable? I have never understood what girls see in him.”
I laugh. “Well, he’s like a big fun-loving goof-ball, but powerful and dangerous at the same time. He’s the bad boy girls fall in lust with and don’t mind taking orders from.”
“And Ronin?”
“Ronin’s just hot.” I grin over at him. “He’s the player all the girls want to settle down with. But he’s nice too. If Spence is the bad boy, then Ronin is the good guy. The knight in shining armor, like you said.”
“And me?”
I don’t look at him this time, but I can feel his stare like it’s heat. Waiting. “You’re… predictable.”
He belts out a laugh. “Well, I appreciate the ego stroke, Rook. Thank you.” He gets up and starts to walk down the stairs.
“I wasn’t finished.”
He stops but keeps his back to me.
“Not predictable as in boring or repetitive, but predictable as in safe. Even though I’m always adjusting when I’m with you, reevaluating things about myself and… you. You’re like an open book, Ford. What you see is what you get. So I’m not sure why your father thought that about you, I’m not really qualified to think too hard about it and make a better observation. But I’ll just say this. The reason I like you is because you’re honest. I know what I’m getting with you even though you keep me guessing. Because I always know that when you give me something, it will be good and you’re only thinking of what’s best for me. Ronin and Spencer are not better-looking than you, that’s for sure. You guys are just desirable in different ways.”
He turns around and smiles. “Good to know. Ready?”
I shrug because I can see through his act now—he avoids talking about himself in personal ways most of the time. He’ll tell me all about his college days, his jobs, professional things like that. But he hides from the emotional stuff, the things that cause him to feel too much. Not everything, mind you—he opens up every once in a while—but that open book has closed for today and I know this is his signal that talking is over.
“What question?”
“Who was I chasing.” He lets out a long breath. “Her. I’m chasing her. I’m trying to catch up with all the mistakes we made. It’s funny how you take people for granted.” He looks me in the eye for this part. “We took her for granted. We used her, we…”
I wait him out, patient, like he is with me.
He takes a drink and swallows hard before continuing. “Ronin blames himself for not paying attention to her, and Spencer blames himself for bringing her around the drugs, but we all played a part. You two really have nothing in common, but every time I look at you, I see her. And it just…” He stops to shake his head. “I just want you to succeed so badly. It feels good to watch you grow stronger.”
I’m not sure what to say. I knew this Mardee girl weighed on Ronin’s conscience, but it seems to go much deeper than that. There’s a lot more to this story than they’ve told me, but Ford was right about something else he told me last summer. I’m a keeper. A secret-keeper, just like they are. And I’m not sure I want to keep their secrets as well as mine. I’m not sure I can handle that right now.
So if these guys do have more secrets, they can keep them. I’m totally OK with that and I take my chance to change the subject before I learn something I might not want to know. “I am getting better, though. And you’re helping me. All three of you are helping me, actually. You with the running and school, Ronin with trust and relationships, and Spencer with the jobs. I’m so lucky to have you guys.”
“I’m enjoying you too, Rook. You’ve taught me a few things as well.”
I choke down a snort. “Like what?”
He begins to talk, but stops the words at the last second. His gaze sweeps across the baseball field below, then rests back on me. “Emotions have been… very difficult for me. It’s true what Ronin said. I wouldn’t say I have none, or that I’m incapable like my father thought. It’s not that I don’t or can’t feel things like that. It’s that I don’t want to. I just don’t care about people.” He throws up his hands. “That’s my dirtiest secret and now you have it. I just don’t give a f**k about people, I really don’t.”
I can’t help myself because these personal conversations with Ford are not common, so I ask. “Did you care about Mardee?”
“I did,” he says with a sigh.
“And she preferred Ronin?”
He’s the one who almost snorts this time. “Don’t they all?” He looks over at me. “Don’t you all prefer Ronin?”
I rest my elbows back on the concrete step behind me and then stretch my legs out. “You’re a nice-looking guy, Ford. So is Spencer. I’m not sure one could actually choose between the three of you. You’re all good catches. Equally desirable in different ways.”
He screws up his face. “How is Spencer desirable? I have never understood what girls see in him.”
I laugh. “Well, he’s like a big fun-loving goof-ball, but powerful and dangerous at the same time. He’s the bad boy girls fall in lust with and don’t mind taking orders from.”
“And Ronin?”
“Ronin’s just hot.” I grin over at him. “He’s the player all the girls want to settle down with. But he’s nice too. If Spence is the bad boy, then Ronin is the good guy. The knight in shining armor, like you said.”
“And me?”
I don’t look at him this time, but I can feel his stare like it’s heat. Waiting. “You’re… predictable.”
He belts out a laugh. “Well, I appreciate the ego stroke, Rook. Thank you.” He gets up and starts to walk down the stairs.
“I wasn’t finished.”
He stops but keeps his back to me.
“Not predictable as in boring or repetitive, but predictable as in safe. Even though I’m always adjusting when I’m with you, reevaluating things about myself and… you. You’re like an open book, Ford. What you see is what you get. So I’m not sure why your father thought that about you, I’m not really qualified to think too hard about it and make a better observation. But I’ll just say this. The reason I like you is because you’re honest. I know what I’m getting with you even though you keep me guessing. Because I always know that when you give me something, it will be good and you’re only thinking of what’s best for me. Ronin and Spencer are not better-looking than you, that’s for sure. You guys are just desirable in different ways.”
He turns around and smiles. “Good to know. Ready?”
I shrug because I can see through his act now—he avoids talking about himself in personal ways most of the time. He’ll tell me all about his college days, his jobs, professional things like that. But he hides from the emotional stuff, the things that cause him to feel too much. Not everything, mind you—he opens up every once in a while—but that open book has closed for today and I know this is his signal that talking is over.
