Panic
Page 41
“Rook, if you’re not going to help, just go back to the restaurant and watch football with the men, OK? This is a big deal for Elise.”
“Rook,” Elise counters, “I’m almost done, OK? Then we’ll go upstairs and do grownup shopping. The guys said they’ll meet us over at the baby crib store at five, so we have plenty of time.”
I smile and nod. Great, crib shopping. I’m not into thinking about this baby stuff, let alone shopping for one, and it just reminds me of how different Ronin and I really are when it comes to long-term plans. I might like a kid someday, and that’s a big maybe. But right now I’m all about not having a kid. I’m not ready for crib shopping, even if it isn’t for me.
We spend the next fifteen minutes checking out and then make our way upstairs to the cool level of the mall. At least there are stores here I recognize, if only because I have clothes in my closets with these names on them. Clare heads to Lucky Jeans and I follow her in while Elise rests her feet outside the store and pokes through her bags of baby clothes.
“What size are you, Rook? I’ll help you choose.”
“Noneya, Clare. I’m not an infant, I can pick out my own jeans.” Fuck, she is such a bitch. How can Ronin even like her as a person? And I can only imagine how unlikeable she was as an addict. I flip through some jeans laid out on a table and then decide this is stupid. “I don’t need any clothes, I’m going to sit with Elise.”
I walk out before she can answer and plop down next to Elise on her bench. “I’m sorry, Elise. I’m just not a shopper.”
She pats my hand like a mother. “I don’t care, Rook. And don’t let Clare get to you. She’s just high-maintenance all the time. Isn’t there anything you need while we’re here? You might as well pick up something.”
“I could use some lotion, now that I think of it.”
“Oh!” Elise squeals. “Let’s hit the Crabtree & Evelyn store, it’s just right over there.”
Lotions I can handle. Just pick out some that smell good and pay. No need to try things on or make it match your socks—just good old-fashioned plunk-it-in-the-basket-and-pay-up-front shopping. Elise calls out to Clare as we walk past, telling her where we’ll be.
“So, Rook, how are things up with Spencer and Ford? I haven’t had a chance to talk to you in weeks, it seems.”
“Pretty good. The job is painfully boring, you know, compared to what I was doing. But it’s OK. I’m good with slipping back into regular life.”
“And school?”
“Well, I don’t know. I like it, and I really like the idea of going to film school. But it’s a lot of work, ya know?”
She laughs. “I never went to college, so actually, I’m not a good one to ask.”
“No? How’d that happened? I mean, Ronin got an excellent education, so I just figured you did as well.”
“I was already grown up when I met Antoine. I did go to beauty school eventually. At first I was just Antoine’s personal make-up person and he showed me what to do. But when we finally settled down in the States I had to get a license. Antoine and I wanted Ronin to have all the opportunities I never did, so we always made education a big deal.”
“Maybe not everyone is cut out for a college degree?”
Elise stares hard at me as we enter the store. “Are you having doubts?”
I shrug and pick up a bottle of lotion and sniff it. “Some, maybe. It’s hard. I’m not very good at it, Elise. I’m terrible at math and the science is interesting, but I have to memorize a bunch of stuff. It’s just… hard.”
“Everything worth getting is hard, Rook. You gotta want it real bad, right? Like Antoine, for instance. He actually comes from a pretty wealthy family in France and they had a lot of preconceived expectations for his life. Things Antoine was not remotely interested in doing. They have a big construction business over there, major contracts all over Europe. But my Antoine decided to come to America. He had money for school but not much else, and he came here to study photography and now look at him.” Elise stops to smile as she thinks about her incredible baby daddy. “He fought for his dream, Rook. My dream was to make sure Ronin turned into a good guy so that’s what I fought for. And Ronin is a good guy, so I’m happy that I made that dream come true. Now I want my own family so I’m gonna fight for that. And if you want to get your college degree, then that’s your fight.”
I think about this for a few seconds as we continue to browse the lotions. “But—what if I’m fighting for the wrong thing? What if I just like the idea of film school and I’m not dedicated to putting in the years of hard work to make it real? What’s that mean?”
“Not everyone who loves taking pictures wants to be Antoine. Not everyone who wants to putter around with a video camera needs to make blockbusters. Maybe movies are a hobby? I’m not sure, so don’t take what I’m saying as gospel, OK? Because only you can figure out if it’s worth it.”
“Ronin wants to fight for a family too, Elise. He’s so, so serious about that and I’m not sure if I feel the same way.”
She sighs up at me, silent for a moment. “Not all families are bad, Rook. I did my best to make sure Ronin understood this as he grew up, but I think you need to hear it more than he ever did. Not all families are bad. Some people get stuck with bad parents, or they have a failed marriage because they ended up with the wrong partner. That’s just how things shake out sometimes. But not everyone’s life is like that. It took me twelve years of unconditional love from Antoine to understand this myself. So you know, if I can save you from wasting all that time doubting yourself and what you and Ronin have together, then that’s a huge win for all of us. He’s moving too fast for you, I get that. But he’ll wait, Rook. And if you love him and can see a future for the two of you, then let him have his dream while he waits. Because Ronin just wants to put down some roots. Even though we’ve called Antoine’s place home for more than a decade, we’ve always been pretty transient. He just wants to plant himself somewhere and let out a long breath of relief that this life is permanent now.”
“Rook,” Elise counters, “I’m almost done, OK? Then we’ll go upstairs and do grownup shopping. The guys said they’ll meet us over at the baby crib store at five, so we have plenty of time.”
I smile and nod. Great, crib shopping. I’m not into thinking about this baby stuff, let alone shopping for one, and it just reminds me of how different Ronin and I really are when it comes to long-term plans. I might like a kid someday, and that’s a big maybe. But right now I’m all about not having a kid. I’m not ready for crib shopping, even if it isn’t for me.
We spend the next fifteen minutes checking out and then make our way upstairs to the cool level of the mall. At least there are stores here I recognize, if only because I have clothes in my closets with these names on them. Clare heads to Lucky Jeans and I follow her in while Elise rests her feet outside the store and pokes through her bags of baby clothes.
“What size are you, Rook? I’ll help you choose.”
“Noneya, Clare. I’m not an infant, I can pick out my own jeans.” Fuck, she is such a bitch. How can Ronin even like her as a person? And I can only imagine how unlikeable she was as an addict. I flip through some jeans laid out on a table and then decide this is stupid. “I don’t need any clothes, I’m going to sit with Elise.”
I walk out before she can answer and plop down next to Elise on her bench. “I’m sorry, Elise. I’m just not a shopper.”
She pats my hand like a mother. “I don’t care, Rook. And don’t let Clare get to you. She’s just high-maintenance all the time. Isn’t there anything you need while we’re here? You might as well pick up something.”
“I could use some lotion, now that I think of it.”
“Oh!” Elise squeals. “Let’s hit the Crabtree & Evelyn store, it’s just right over there.”
Lotions I can handle. Just pick out some that smell good and pay. No need to try things on or make it match your socks—just good old-fashioned plunk-it-in-the-basket-and-pay-up-front shopping. Elise calls out to Clare as we walk past, telling her where we’ll be.
“So, Rook, how are things up with Spencer and Ford? I haven’t had a chance to talk to you in weeks, it seems.”
“Pretty good. The job is painfully boring, you know, compared to what I was doing. But it’s OK. I’m good with slipping back into regular life.”
“And school?”
“Well, I don’t know. I like it, and I really like the idea of going to film school. But it’s a lot of work, ya know?”
She laughs. “I never went to college, so actually, I’m not a good one to ask.”
“No? How’d that happened? I mean, Ronin got an excellent education, so I just figured you did as well.”
“I was already grown up when I met Antoine. I did go to beauty school eventually. At first I was just Antoine’s personal make-up person and he showed me what to do. But when we finally settled down in the States I had to get a license. Antoine and I wanted Ronin to have all the opportunities I never did, so we always made education a big deal.”
“Maybe not everyone is cut out for a college degree?”
Elise stares hard at me as we enter the store. “Are you having doubts?”
I shrug and pick up a bottle of lotion and sniff it. “Some, maybe. It’s hard. I’m not very good at it, Elise. I’m terrible at math and the science is interesting, but I have to memorize a bunch of stuff. It’s just… hard.”
“Everything worth getting is hard, Rook. You gotta want it real bad, right? Like Antoine, for instance. He actually comes from a pretty wealthy family in France and they had a lot of preconceived expectations for his life. Things Antoine was not remotely interested in doing. They have a big construction business over there, major contracts all over Europe. But my Antoine decided to come to America. He had money for school but not much else, and he came here to study photography and now look at him.” Elise stops to smile as she thinks about her incredible baby daddy. “He fought for his dream, Rook. My dream was to make sure Ronin turned into a good guy so that’s what I fought for. And Ronin is a good guy, so I’m happy that I made that dream come true. Now I want my own family so I’m gonna fight for that. And if you want to get your college degree, then that’s your fight.”
I think about this for a few seconds as we continue to browse the lotions. “But—what if I’m fighting for the wrong thing? What if I just like the idea of film school and I’m not dedicated to putting in the years of hard work to make it real? What’s that mean?”
“Not everyone who loves taking pictures wants to be Antoine. Not everyone who wants to putter around with a video camera needs to make blockbusters. Maybe movies are a hobby? I’m not sure, so don’t take what I’m saying as gospel, OK? Because only you can figure out if it’s worth it.”
“Ronin wants to fight for a family too, Elise. He’s so, so serious about that and I’m not sure if I feel the same way.”
She sighs up at me, silent for a moment. “Not all families are bad, Rook. I did my best to make sure Ronin understood this as he grew up, but I think you need to hear it more than he ever did. Not all families are bad. Some people get stuck with bad parents, or they have a failed marriage because they ended up with the wrong partner. That’s just how things shake out sometimes. But not everyone’s life is like that. It took me twelve years of unconditional love from Antoine to understand this myself. So you know, if I can save you from wasting all that time doubting yourself and what you and Ronin have together, then that’s a huge win for all of us. He’s moving too fast for you, I get that. But he’ll wait, Rook. And if you love him and can see a future for the two of you, then let him have his dream while he waits. Because Ronin just wants to put down some roots. Even though we’ve called Antoine’s place home for more than a decade, we’ve always been pretty transient. He just wants to plant himself somewhere and let out a long breath of relief that this life is permanent now.”
