Panic
Page 45
But not all of it.
The baby was the only thing that still tore me up inside because you can’t just grow a life inside you, allowing yourself to get used to the idea, and then turn it all off like a faucet when it’s ripped away.
Every time I think of children I think of the one I lost. And even though I know it was for the best, that my life would be so much worse if I was trapped back in Illinois with this baby, and it’s even possible that the baby would be in a lot of danger and we’d have very little chance of escaping together… a part of me still wishes that things would’ve turned out differently.
And that part of me feels so… sick. It makes me feel sick to want that because Jon was included in that life. And the worst part is that I can’t let it go. All because of that baby. It probably means I’m really f**ked up in the head. I should not want those things. But I just can’t separate the two. If I love the baby then if feels like I have to love Jon, too.
I’m so f**ked in the head.
It’s true that I never wanted to start a family with Jon, and believe me, he threw that little fact back in my face for months after the miscarriage. He totally blamed me for the ‘accident’. But once the whole pregnancy thing became real to me it changed things. I got on board, I was in, I took the vitamins, and watched what I ate, and made sure I never missed a check-up.
But in the end none of that mattered. And I can’t help but feel helpless. I always feel like it’s just me against the world. How do I win that fight?
I can’t.
Me against the world is not a good plan of attack in the war that is life.
I blow out a long breath of air and try to think about something else. Because it’s not fair for me to take out my unresolved past on Elise, Antoine, and Ronin. They are baby people. Totally. And they are so excited. It’s not fair that I disrupt their good vibes with my bad ones.
I pull into Spencer’s driveway and park the truck and then grab my backpack and get out before Spence feels the need to come check on me. He’s a good guy, even if he does have an unhealthy obsession with guns. I glance over at the shop and it’s all dark. So that probably means Ford isn’t home because it’s way too early to be in bed. I go inside and drop my backpack on the floor next to the basement stairs, then go into the kitchen and look for Spencer.
“Spence?”
“Back here,” he calls out from the living room.
“Whatcha doin?” I ask him as I take in the images spread out on the coffee table.
“Putting together a portfolio for you, Blackbird. So you can have a record of what we did last summer.”
I plop down next to him on the couch and pick up a few of the images. “They turned out pretty good, huh?”
“Pretty good doesn’t even cover it, Rook. I’ve sold more bikes in the last month than my old man did the entire year before I took the company over.”
Spencer continues what he’s doing, sorting through the images and choosing some to put into the clear pages inside the black book. “Thank you for this,” I say as I watch him choose. “Which one’s your favorite?”
He flips through the book to the first page. “This one,” he laughs. “That’s why it’s first.”
I take the book from his outstretched hands and look over his choice. It’s Spence and me. I’m painted up with all his tattoos on my top half, and my bottom half is a painted-on version of his ripped and faded jeans. “You know what’s funny? That was my favorite outfit as well. I’m not sure why, it’s just too cool that you and I had the same artwork on our bodies at the same time, ya know?”
Spencer smiles. “Yeah, that one’s called The Team.” He leans back on the couch and looks over at me. “That’s what the four of us are now, you know that, right? We’re a team.”
And my thoughts flood back to me. The day I met Ford and we all went to dinner to celebrate our partnership at that French restaurant. That’s what I thought about Ronin and me that day. That we were a team. “I’m a lucky girl, Spencer Shrike. Because this is one special team and I’m honored to be on it. I just hope I can live up your greatness and not disappoint you.”
He chuckles. “Shit, Rook, we’re still floored that you put up with us at all. And Ford? You seriously deserve a fat cash bonus for mellowing that ass**le out.” We sit in silence as I flip the page of the book. The second picture is of cyborg sex-kitten Rook and Terminator Ronin. “That’s Ronin’s favorite,” Spence says softly.
“I love this one too. I was so sad that day and Ford read to me and then Ronin and I had a very serious conversation about my past in the shower.” I look up at Spencer to see if he knows about this, but if he does, he holds it in.
I flip the page again. This time I’m the catwoman. “That’s Antoine’s favorite,” Spencer adds as he flips to the next page. “And this one is Ford’s.” The fourth image is me in the white bikini. “Because he said you started growing a backbone that day.”
A laugh busts out of me unexpectedly. “Fucking Ford.”
Spencer leans in and puts his arm around me, then kisses me on the head. “You know I’m here for you, whatever you need. Whenever you need it. OK?”
I look up and the tears are starting again. “Ronin called you?”
Spence nods. “Yeah, and it’s gonna be OK, Rook. I’m not sure what’s going on with you or whatever. But it’s gonna work out.”
The baby was the only thing that still tore me up inside because you can’t just grow a life inside you, allowing yourself to get used to the idea, and then turn it all off like a faucet when it’s ripped away.
Every time I think of children I think of the one I lost. And even though I know it was for the best, that my life would be so much worse if I was trapped back in Illinois with this baby, and it’s even possible that the baby would be in a lot of danger and we’d have very little chance of escaping together… a part of me still wishes that things would’ve turned out differently.
And that part of me feels so… sick. It makes me feel sick to want that because Jon was included in that life. And the worst part is that I can’t let it go. All because of that baby. It probably means I’m really f**ked up in the head. I should not want those things. But I just can’t separate the two. If I love the baby then if feels like I have to love Jon, too.
I’m so f**ked in the head.
It’s true that I never wanted to start a family with Jon, and believe me, he threw that little fact back in my face for months after the miscarriage. He totally blamed me for the ‘accident’. But once the whole pregnancy thing became real to me it changed things. I got on board, I was in, I took the vitamins, and watched what I ate, and made sure I never missed a check-up.
But in the end none of that mattered. And I can’t help but feel helpless. I always feel like it’s just me against the world. How do I win that fight?
I can’t.
Me against the world is not a good plan of attack in the war that is life.
I blow out a long breath of air and try to think about something else. Because it’s not fair for me to take out my unresolved past on Elise, Antoine, and Ronin. They are baby people. Totally. And they are so excited. It’s not fair that I disrupt their good vibes with my bad ones.
I pull into Spencer’s driveway and park the truck and then grab my backpack and get out before Spence feels the need to come check on me. He’s a good guy, even if he does have an unhealthy obsession with guns. I glance over at the shop and it’s all dark. So that probably means Ford isn’t home because it’s way too early to be in bed. I go inside and drop my backpack on the floor next to the basement stairs, then go into the kitchen and look for Spencer.
“Spence?”
“Back here,” he calls out from the living room.
“Whatcha doin?” I ask him as I take in the images spread out on the coffee table.
“Putting together a portfolio for you, Blackbird. So you can have a record of what we did last summer.”
I plop down next to him on the couch and pick up a few of the images. “They turned out pretty good, huh?”
“Pretty good doesn’t even cover it, Rook. I’ve sold more bikes in the last month than my old man did the entire year before I took the company over.”
Spencer continues what he’s doing, sorting through the images and choosing some to put into the clear pages inside the black book. “Thank you for this,” I say as I watch him choose. “Which one’s your favorite?”
He flips through the book to the first page. “This one,” he laughs. “That’s why it’s first.”
I take the book from his outstretched hands and look over his choice. It’s Spence and me. I’m painted up with all his tattoos on my top half, and my bottom half is a painted-on version of his ripped and faded jeans. “You know what’s funny? That was my favorite outfit as well. I’m not sure why, it’s just too cool that you and I had the same artwork on our bodies at the same time, ya know?”
Spencer smiles. “Yeah, that one’s called The Team.” He leans back on the couch and looks over at me. “That’s what the four of us are now, you know that, right? We’re a team.”
And my thoughts flood back to me. The day I met Ford and we all went to dinner to celebrate our partnership at that French restaurant. That’s what I thought about Ronin and me that day. That we were a team. “I’m a lucky girl, Spencer Shrike. Because this is one special team and I’m honored to be on it. I just hope I can live up your greatness and not disappoint you.”
He chuckles. “Shit, Rook, we’re still floored that you put up with us at all. And Ford? You seriously deserve a fat cash bonus for mellowing that ass**le out.” We sit in silence as I flip the page of the book. The second picture is of cyborg sex-kitten Rook and Terminator Ronin. “That’s Ronin’s favorite,” Spence says softly.
“I love this one too. I was so sad that day and Ford read to me and then Ronin and I had a very serious conversation about my past in the shower.” I look up at Spencer to see if he knows about this, but if he does, he holds it in.
I flip the page again. This time I’m the catwoman. “That’s Antoine’s favorite,” Spencer adds as he flips to the next page. “And this one is Ford’s.” The fourth image is me in the white bikini. “Because he said you started growing a backbone that day.”
A laugh busts out of me unexpectedly. “Fucking Ford.”
Spencer leans in and puts his arm around me, then kisses me on the head. “You know I’m here for you, whatever you need. Whenever you need it. OK?”
I look up and the tears are starting again. “Ronin called you?”
Spence nods. “Yeah, and it’s gonna be OK, Rook. I’m not sure what’s going on with you or whatever. But it’s gonna work out.”
