Pawn
Page 19
“So.” My voice sounded hoarse. “How do you like it here so far?”
There were probably a thousand other things I could have said—including spitting out the truth—but I didn’t know how to tell him. I needed him to look at me, even if all he saw was Lila.
“It’s nice, thank you,” he said. When it became obvious he wasn’t going to say anything else, I gathered my courage and sat on the couch near him. I was tempted to reach out and touch him, but I clasped my hands together in my lap.
“Benjy?” I said, dropping Lila’s uppity accent so I sounded like myself. He froze. “Could you please look at me?”
When he did, his eyes were rimmed with red. “I’m sorry, Miss Hart. I don’t mean to be rude. You remind me of someone I used to know.”
I hesitated. The longer I waited to tell him, the more I would risk him being angry with me when I finally confessed. He was obviously upset, and this wasn’t a game.
“I remind you of Kitty Doe, don’t I?” I said. “She was your girlfriend, and she disappeared on her seventeenth birthday.”
Benjy looked away. “She didn’t disappear. She was killed.”
I set my hand on his arm. “No, she wasn’t.”
“Yes, she was,” he said, but he didn’t move away from me.
“No,” I repeated softly. “I wasn’t.”
My heart hammered as I waited for him to react. He was still for several seconds, and the silence overwhelmed me, threatening to destroy everything if we both stayed quiet. Maybe he hadn’t heard me right.
“Benjy, please. I know I look like Lila, but it’s me.”
He jerked away as if I’d burned him. “Don’t,” he said sharply. “I don’t know how you know about her, but if this is some sick joke—”
“It’s not.” I faced him, this time keeping my hands to myself. “Listen to me—I don’t know how much time we’ll have before Knox comes back or someone else shows up, so please let me tell you what happened.”
He said nothing, his body rigid and his expression guarded. Taking his silence as permission to continue, I took a breath and told him everything that had happened since the night of my seventeenth birthday. How Daxton had bought me and offered me a VII, how they’d killed Tabs and Masked me to look like Lila, the lessons Celia and Knox had given me, what Elsewhere was and how Daxton had forced me to watch Nina die—everything except the deal I’d made with Celia and what had happened at the club with Knox.
By the time I finished, Benjy was staring at his hands.
It took him several moments to speak, and when he did, it was in a shaky voice, as if he was struggling to keep himself under control.
“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” he said.
“How do I know this isn’t some prank?”
I bit my lip. The dozen different ways I’d come up with to prove who I was vanished, and all I could think about was that day at the market after I’d been marked with a III.
“On my birthday, you gave me a present,” I said. “It was a purple flower from a vendor selling perfumes. A violet. You said—you said they never gave up, like me.”
I saw a spark of recognition in his eyes, and I pushed on.
“The first time you kissed me, it was the middle of January, and you were trying to teach me how to read for the zillionth time. It was a kid’s book about a spider, and you were trying to show me how the patterns in the letters formed words. You were so excited when I read it back to you that you kissed me.” I smiled faintly at the memory. “It wasn’t until you tried to show me with another book that you realized all I’d done was memorize the first one when you read it to me.”
To my relief, Benjy smiled as well, but it wasn’t his usual boyish grin. Instead, like everything else about him, it was pained. “That wasn’t the first time we kissed,” he said.
“No, but it was the first time you kissed me instead of the other way around.”
He turned away and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. I heard a strange choking sound, and when he finally faced me, I realized he was crying.
“Kitty,” he whispered. “This isn’t possible.”
Everything in me wanted to move closer to him, to pull him into a hug and never let go, but I didn’t. Not yet. “I’m sorry—I tried to get to you, but they’re watching everything I do, and—and I knew you’d see Lila instead of me and—”
“Don’t apologize,” he said, and he brushed his fingers against my cheekbone, an inch from my eye. “I see you now.”
I let out a soft sob. “I’ve missed you.”
Benjy wrapped his arms around me, and I buried my face in his chest. No one had held me like this since I’d become Lila, and everything bad that had happened in the past month faded away. For a few golden moments, everything was all right again.
I don’t know who kissed who first, but even though they weren’t my lips anymore, it was like I’d never disappeared. There was a hunger to his kiss that was new, but everything else about it was distinctly Benjy. That moment of pretend in the club with Knox had been hot, but this—I was home.
Someone cleared their throat, and I jumped guiltily.
Expecting Knox, I looked over Benjy’s shoulder, but when I saw who was standing there, I paled.
Celia.
“I see you’ve told him,” she said, her smooth voice sending a chill down my spine. Benjy gripped my hand, and I squeezed back, trying to reassure him.
“Knox said I could. If you have a problem with it, take it up with him.”
“I have no problem with it,” she said, stepping inside and closing the door. “In fact, I’m delighted to meet you, Benjy. I’ve heard quite a lot about you from Kitty.”
Benjy nodded respectfully, but his shoulders tightened.
“It’s a pleasure, ma’am. I hope you’ve only heard good things.”
“Of course,” said Celia. “I’m sure there are only good things to tell. I also hear you’re quite trustworthy—is that true?”
“Yes,” I said flatly. “He knows how dangerous it’ll be if anyone finds out he knows.”
“Good. I’m pleased you both understand what’s at stake.” She focused on me. “Kitty, darling, why don’t I give you two another moment, and once you’re finished, you come see me in my suite? I’ve got something I’d like to discuss with you.”
I nodded weakly. A discussion with Celia right now couldn’t be a good thing.
She slipped back through the door, leaving me and Benjy alone again. He laced his fingers in mine. “I don’t trust her.”
“She’s up to something,” I said, and with a sigh, I told him about the deal we’d made. About how I’d agreed to continue Lila’s work.
Benjy stood and started to pace in front of the couch.
“Do you realize what could happen? I’m not going to let you do this to yourself.”
“You don’t have a choice,” I said. “I don’t, either. They know how much you matter to me. When the Shields went to the group home to find me on my birthday—”
Benjy stopped. “I told them where you’d gone when they came back. I thought if they caught up with you in time, you wouldn’t have to—you know, and they had no proof you were stealing…”
He trailed off, but he didn’t have to finish. “I know,”
I said. “I’m glad you did. If you hadn’t told them, you and Nina would have both—”
I couldn’t make myself say it. Benjy blinked hard.
“She’s really gone?”
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice breaking. “I didn’t know.
If they find out I told you everything, they’ll send you there, too.” I paused. “We have to pretend we don’t know each other. You can’t be—happy around me or even hint that you suspect. I don’t want anything to happen to you, okay?”
“I don’t want anything to happen to you, either.” The seconds ticked by, but finally he nodded. “All right. We can do this, but I swear if they hurt you—”
“They won’t, and if they do, then we’ll figure something out. We’ll run away if we have to.” I glanced toward Knox’s closet. “Benjy, if you ever need to leave—”
A knock echoed through the room, and a moment later Knox entered. “I see you two have become better acquainted,” he said, heading back to his desk. “Celia wanted me to remind you that she’d like to see you.”
“Right.” I stood, and without warning, Benjy caught me in a giant bear hug and kissed me deeply. Unless Knox gave us another moment alone, it would likely be our last for a long time.
“Hey,” said Knox. “That’s my fiancée you’re kissing.”
I could have killed him for that. Benjy immediately let go of me, and my insides twisted as I watched him return to the other room without once looking back.
I glowered at Knox. “Thanks for that.”
“You’d better get used to it,” he said. “No one else is going to be so forgiving if they find you kissing my assistant.”
“Yeah, we know.” I stormed toward the door. Before I yanked it open, I added, “Why did you even bring him here?”
“Because I thought you would be glad to see him again.”
“Yeah, but Daxton and Augusta know he’s here, don’t they?”
He sighed and removed his glasses. “They won’t hurt him.”
“As long as I behave,” I said. “Except you and Celia are asking me to do the exact opposite.”
“You will be protected,” he promised. “As will Benjy.”
“Just like you protected Lila?” I said. He was quiet for a long moment.
“If Daxton and Augusta wanted to kill him, no bunker in the world would keep him safe forever,” he said.
“This way, he gets to live his life—a charmed life at that, as a VI and the future minister of ranking’s most trusted adviser. If we all survive this, he will have more opportunities than he ever dreamed of before today.”
“And if we don’t?” I said tightly.
“Then he would have died no matter where he was.
At least now he knows the stakes. He knows you sur- vived. And you will both have each other for however long circumstances allow.”
I remained still as a silent war raged within me. I would never be with Benjy like I’d planned, not anymore. But he was here now. He knew I wasn’t dead, and I would get to see him as often as I liked. And despite my anger, I knew Knox had a point. No one could hide from the government, not forever. Benjy deserved the chance to live the life he’d earned with his VI, and no matter what happened, I would do everything I could to make sure Daxton never got to him like he’d gotten to Tabs and Nina.
“Thanks,” I said, forcing the words out through my clenched jaw. “For letting me see him. You’re sure he’ll be safe here?”
“Safer here than someplace where no one’s watching his back,” said Knox. “And you’re welcome.”
At last I left. Before heading to Celia’s suite, I returned to mine and changed out of my nightclothes. My mind raced with the possibilities of how Daxton and Augusta might use Benjy against me, and by the time I knocked on Celia’s door, I had to take a deep breath to calm myself down. I would tell him about the secret passageway the first chance I got. At least then we’d both have a way out.
“There you are,” said Celia. “Come on in.”
Just like my suite, hers was luxuriously decorated. Everything from the couches to the carpet was a rich purple, and framed pictures of her, Lila, and a man I didn’t recognize were everywhere. I sat down on the sofa and tried not to look nervous.
“I don’t need to tell you the danger Benjy is in,” she said, sitting across from me and pouring herself a cup of tea. She offered me one, and I shook my head. “When Knox approached my brother about taking him on as his assistant, Daxton was thrilled with the idea.”
My blood ran cold. “Knox said he was safe here.”
“Knox is an idealist. I’m a realist.” She took a sip of her tea. “You won’t be useful to them forever, you know, and when the time comes, no amount of protest is going to save Benjy, either.”
“I won’t let them hurt him,” I said.
“Is that so? How do you plan on stopping them?”
I looked at my hands. Once I told Benjy about the passageway, he might have a chance to escape when the time came. With Lila’s face, I would never be able to hide in a crowd, but Benjy—he could do it.
“Why are you telling me this?” I said.
“Because I have a solution for you.” Setting her teacup down, she fished a cloth bag from her pocket. It was the same bag Knox had handed her earlier. Reaching inside, she pulled out two small syringes. One was filled with purple liquid, and the other clear. “Have you ever used one of these before?”
I leaned back into the sofa, as far away from her as possible. I remembered all too well the night Daxton had knocked me out with a needle. “I’m not taking that.”
“I’m not asking you to.” She held up the purple one.
“This is a nonfatal dose. This—” She held up the clear syringe. “This combination will stop the heart almost instantly once it’s administered in full.”
There were probably a thousand other things I could have said—including spitting out the truth—but I didn’t know how to tell him. I needed him to look at me, even if all he saw was Lila.
“It’s nice, thank you,” he said. When it became obvious he wasn’t going to say anything else, I gathered my courage and sat on the couch near him. I was tempted to reach out and touch him, but I clasped my hands together in my lap.
“Benjy?” I said, dropping Lila’s uppity accent so I sounded like myself. He froze. “Could you please look at me?”
When he did, his eyes were rimmed with red. “I’m sorry, Miss Hart. I don’t mean to be rude. You remind me of someone I used to know.”
I hesitated. The longer I waited to tell him, the more I would risk him being angry with me when I finally confessed. He was obviously upset, and this wasn’t a game.
“I remind you of Kitty Doe, don’t I?” I said. “She was your girlfriend, and she disappeared on her seventeenth birthday.”
Benjy looked away. “She didn’t disappear. She was killed.”
I set my hand on his arm. “No, she wasn’t.”
“Yes, she was,” he said, but he didn’t move away from me.
“No,” I repeated softly. “I wasn’t.”
My heart hammered as I waited for him to react. He was still for several seconds, and the silence overwhelmed me, threatening to destroy everything if we both stayed quiet. Maybe he hadn’t heard me right.
“Benjy, please. I know I look like Lila, but it’s me.”
He jerked away as if I’d burned him. “Don’t,” he said sharply. “I don’t know how you know about her, but if this is some sick joke—”
“It’s not.” I faced him, this time keeping my hands to myself. “Listen to me—I don’t know how much time we’ll have before Knox comes back or someone else shows up, so please let me tell you what happened.”
He said nothing, his body rigid and his expression guarded. Taking his silence as permission to continue, I took a breath and told him everything that had happened since the night of my seventeenth birthday. How Daxton had bought me and offered me a VII, how they’d killed Tabs and Masked me to look like Lila, the lessons Celia and Knox had given me, what Elsewhere was and how Daxton had forced me to watch Nina die—everything except the deal I’d made with Celia and what had happened at the club with Knox.
By the time I finished, Benjy was staring at his hands.
It took him several moments to speak, and when he did, it was in a shaky voice, as if he was struggling to keep himself under control.
“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” he said.
“How do I know this isn’t some prank?”
I bit my lip. The dozen different ways I’d come up with to prove who I was vanished, and all I could think about was that day at the market after I’d been marked with a III.
“On my birthday, you gave me a present,” I said. “It was a purple flower from a vendor selling perfumes. A violet. You said—you said they never gave up, like me.”
I saw a spark of recognition in his eyes, and I pushed on.
“The first time you kissed me, it was the middle of January, and you were trying to teach me how to read for the zillionth time. It was a kid’s book about a spider, and you were trying to show me how the patterns in the letters formed words. You were so excited when I read it back to you that you kissed me.” I smiled faintly at the memory. “It wasn’t until you tried to show me with another book that you realized all I’d done was memorize the first one when you read it to me.”
To my relief, Benjy smiled as well, but it wasn’t his usual boyish grin. Instead, like everything else about him, it was pained. “That wasn’t the first time we kissed,” he said.
“No, but it was the first time you kissed me instead of the other way around.”
He turned away and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. I heard a strange choking sound, and when he finally faced me, I realized he was crying.
“Kitty,” he whispered. “This isn’t possible.”
Everything in me wanted to move closer to him, to pull him into a hug and never let go, but I didn’t. Not yet. “I’m sorry—I tried to get to you, but they’re watching everything I do, and—and I knew you’d see Lila instead of me and—”
“Don’t apologize,” he said, and he brushed his fingers against my cheekbone, an inch from my eye. “I see you now.”
I let out a soft sob. “I’ve missed you.”
Benjy wrapped his arms around me, and I buried my face in his chest. No one had held me like this since I’d become Lila, and everything bad that had happened in the past month faded away. For a few golden moments, everything was all right again.
I don’t know who kissed who first, but even though they weren’t my lips anymore, it was like I’d never disappeared. There was a hunger to his kiss that was new, but everything else about it was distinctly Benjy. That moment of pretend in the club with Knox had been hot, but this—I was home.
Someone cleared their throat, and I jumped guiltily.
Expecting Knox, I looked over Benjy’s shoulder, but when I saw who was standing there, I paled.
Celia.
“I see you’ve told him,” she said, her smooth voice sending a chill down my spine. Benjy gripped my hand, and I squeezed back, trying to reassure him.
“Knox said I could. If you have a problem with it, take it up with him.”
“I have no problem with it,” she said, stepping inside and closing the door. “In fact, I’m delighted to meet you, Benjy. I’ve heard quite a lot about you from Kitty.”
Benjy nodded respectfully, but his shoulders tightened.
“It’s a pleasure, ma’am. I hope you’ve only heard good things.”
“Of course,” said Celia. “I’m sure there are only good things to tell. I also hear you’re quite trustworthy—is that true?”
“Yes,” I said flatly. “He knows how dangerous it’ll be if anyone finds out he knows.”
“Good. I’m pleased you both understand what’s at stake.” She focused on me. “Kitty, darling, why don’t I give you two another moment, and once you’re finished, you come see me in my suite? I’ve got something I’d like to discuss with you.”
I nodded weakly. A discussion with Celia right now couldn’t be a good thing.
She slipped back through the door, leaving me and Benjy alone again. He laced his fingers in mine. “I don’t trust her.”
“She’s up to something,” I said, and with a sigh, I told him about the deal we’d made. About how I’d agreed to continue Lila’s work.
Benjy stood and started to pace in front of the couch.
“Do you realize what could happen? I’m not going to let you do this to yourself.”
“You don’t have a choice,” I said. “I don’t, either. They know how much you matter to me. When the Shields went to the group home to find me on my birthday—”
Benjy stopped. “I told them where you’d gone when they came back. I thought if they caught up with you in time, you wouldn’t have to—you know, and they had no proof you were stealing…”
He trailed off, but he didn’t have to finish. “I know,”
I said. “I’m glad you did. If you hadn’t told them, you and Nina would have both—”
I couldn’t make myself say it. Benjy blinked hard.
“She’s really gone?”
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice breaking. “I didn’t know.
If they find out I told you everything, they’ll send you there, too.” I paused. “We have to pretend we don’t know each other. You can’t be—happy around me or even hint that you suspect. I don’t want anything to happen to you, okay?”
“I don’t want anything to happen to you, either.” The seconds ticked by, but finally he nodded. “All right. We can do this, but I swear if they hurt you—”
“They won’t, and if they do, then we’ll figure something out. We’ll run away if we have to.” I glanced toward Knox’s closet. “Benjy, if you ever need to leave—”
A knock echoed through the room, and a moment later Knox entered. “I see you two have become better acquainted,” he said, heading back to his desk. “Celia wanted me to remind you that she’d like to see you.”
“Right.” I stood, and without warning, Benjy caught me in a giant bear hug and kissed me deeply. Unless Knox gave us another moment alone, it would likely be our last for a long time.
“Hey,” said Knox. “That’s my fiancée you’re kissing.”
I could have killed him for that. Benjy immediately let go of me, and my insides twisted as I watched him return to the other room without once looking back.
I glowered at Knox. “Thanks for that.”
“You’d better get used to it,” he said. “No one else is going to be so forgiving if they find you kissing my assistant.”
“Yeah, we know.” I stormed toward the door. Before I yanked it open, I added, “Why did you even bring him here?”
“Because I thought you would be glad to see him again.”
“Yeah, but Daxton and Augusta know he’s here, don’t they?”
He sighed and removed his glasses. “They won’t hurt him.”
“As long as I behave,” I said. “Except you and Celia are asking me to do the exact opposite.”
“You will be protected,” he promised. “As will Benjy.”
“Just like you protected Lila?” I said. He was quiet for a long moment.
“If Daxton and Augusta wanted to kill him, no bunker in the world would keep him safe forever,” he said.
“This way, he gets to live his life—a charmed life at that, as a VI and the future minister of ranking’s most trusted adviser. If we all survive this, he will have more opportunities than he ever dreamed of before today.”
“And if we don’t?” I said tightly.
“Then he would have died no matter where he was.
At least now he knows the stakes. He knows you sur- vived. And you will both have each other for however long circumstances allow.”
I remained still as a silent war raged within me. I would never be with Benjy like I’d planned, not anymore. But he was here now. He knew I wasn’t dead, and I would get to see him as often as I liked. And despite my anger, I knew Knox had a point. No one could hide from the government, not forever. Benjy deserved the chance to live the life he’d earned with his VI, and no matter what happened, I would do everything I could to make sure Daxton never got to him like he’d gotten to Tabs and Nina.
“Thanks,” I said, forcing the words out through my clenched jaw. “For letting me see him. You’re sure he’ll be safe here?”
“Safer here than someplace where no one’s watching his back,” said Knox. “And you’re welcome.”
At last I left. Before heading to Celia’s suite, I returned to mine and changed out of my nightclothes. My mind raced with the possibilities of how Daxton and Augusta might use Benjy against me, and by the time I knocked on Celia’s door, I had to take a deep breath to calm myself down. I would tell him about the secret passageway the first chance I got. At least then we’d both have a way out.
“There you are,” said Celia. “Come on in.”
Just like my suite, hers was luxuriously decorated. Everything from the couches to the carpet was a rich purple, and framed pictures of her, Lila, and a man I didn’t recognize were everywhere. I sat down on the sofa and tried not to look nervous.
“I don’t need to tell you the danger Benjy is in,” she said, sitting across from me and pouring herself a cup of tea. She offered me one, and I shook my head. “When Knox approached my brother about taking him on as his assistant, Daxton was thrilled with the idea.”
My blood ran cold. “Knox said he was safe here.”
“Knox is an idealist. I’m a realist.” She took a sip of her tea. “You won’t be useful to them forever, you know, and when the time comes, no amount of protest is going to save Benjy, either.”
“I won’t let them hurt him,” I said.
“Is that so? How do you plan on stopping them?”
I looked at my hands. Once I told Benjy about the passageway, he might have a chance to escape when the time came. With Lila’s face, I would never be able to hide in a crowd, but Benjy—he could do it.
“Why are you telling me this?” I said.
“Because I have a solution for you.” Setting her teacup down, she fished a cloth bag from her pocket. It was the same bag Knox had handed her earlier. Reaching inside, she pulled out two small syringes. One was filled with purple liquid, and the other clear. “Have you ever used one of these before?”
I leaned back into the sofa, as far away from her as possible. I remembered all too well the night Daxton had knocked me out with a needle. “I’m not taking that.”
“I’m not asking you to.” She held up the purple one.
“This is a nonfatal dose. This—” She held up the clear syringe. “This combination will stop the heart almost instantly once it’s administered in full.”
