Perfect Regret
Page 23
“She’s surviving. I think that’s all I can expect of her right now,” I said.
“Yeah, I get that,” Maysie remarked and I could tell she was uncomfortable. Knowing what to say to someone who had so recently lost a loved one was tricky. There was a fine line between being supportive and patronizing. Not many people understood that.
I may be swimming in some pretty deep denial but honestly I felt like I was doing fine. Sure, I hurt. I grieved. But for the most part I was throwing myself into school and work and making sure I did the things I had always planned. And for right now that was helping.
After my epic confrontation with Garrett at Barton’s, things had gone thankfully quiet on that end. I hadn’t heard from Garrett and Maysie had been wisely tightlipped, recognizing it was a topic best left alone.
And while Jordan seemed at times on the verge of saying something, he had yet to give me a reason to unleash a verbal lashing. The less people poking their well meaning noses into my personal life the better.
As for the other loose ends in my life, they were still dangling. Damien was wary and despite his black and blue ass, was still tentatively nice.
And then there was Gracie. We were so immersed in each other’s lives that there was no avoiding one another. I wasn’t one to run from conflict, but even I had a hard time handling the iceberg that had taken up residence between us.
Gracie wasn’t the type of person to be outright nasty. She was still civil and polite. We still talked about classes and rode together to our internship, but the subject of a certain guitar playing cutie was left completely alone.
Part of me wanted to address it and get it out there in the open. I hated subtext and that’s what Gracie and I had become. A huge, heaping pile of insinuation. Every conversation held the hint of something else below the surface. There were a million unspoken things between us.
But every time I thought to bring it up, Gracie intuitively shut it down.
So we continued to exist in this world where we didn’t talk about the one thing that was interfering with our friendship. My recent trip into slut town chauffeured by Garrett Bellows.
Aside from that, I had school. I had my internship. I had my straight As. And most importantly I had my total and complete control over where my life was headed. I had recently sent off my grad school applications and started to make plans for what I was going to do after graduation.
Everything was just as it was supposed to be. And in my head I could hear my dad’s sage words, live a life that matters. Well I would do that, at whatever the cost.
“The guys are supposed to head out after the holidays. They’ll be gone for almost six months,” Maysie was saying, snapping me out of my internal monologue.
“Wow, six months. That’s a long time. I thought it was only for three?” I asked her.
“Yeah, well some of the bigger clubs out west got a hold of their demo and wanted to book them for some shows. They’re even opening for Flytrap in May! How amazing is that?” Maysie said excitedly, mentioning a rock band with a hard core following on the college scene.
“That’s pretty cool,” I admitted but then I looked at my friend pointedly. “What are you going to do?” I asked. Hell, what was I going to do? Garrett would be gone for six months.
But then again, six months away from the constant tug and pull of my emotions where he was concerned sounded kind of great actually. At least that’s what I told myself.
But Maysie and Jordan were a unit. I couldn’t imagine Jordan being okay with leaving her behind. Even if he was doing something he loved. Because his love for Maysie trumped everything else.
Maysie’s eyes were downcast and she chewed on her bottom lip. “Well, that’s the thing I wanted to talk to you about,” she said nervously. I watched her warily as she started to twist the rings on her fingers. She was about to tell me something she knew I wouldn’t like. Or at the very least something I would give her a stern lecture about.
“I’ve decided to graduate early. I’m going to get my diploma at the end of the semester,” she said quickly. I blinked in shock, not sure I heard her correctly.
“What?” I asked incredulously.
“I already have enough credits so I figured why not. And then…well…I’m going on the road with the guys,” she announced and I sat down heavily on my bed.
Maysie was leaving. At the end of the semester. To go on tour with Jordan and the band.
Well crap.
“Are you serious?” I asked, trying not to sound as judgmental as I was feeling.
“I want to be with him, Ri. More than anything. And this is his chance to make music and change his life,” she argued.
“What about your life? Your plans?” I asked, not understanding how she could give up everything to follow her boyfriend around the country. I didn’t want to tell her how disappointed I was in her decision. Though I should have expected this. She and Jordan were a force unto themselves. They had always been and an all-encompassing whirlwind that teetered on the edge of disaster. And for me, the always sensible, reliable one, this had disaster written all over it.
Maysie sat down beside me and nudged me with her shoulder. “He is my plan, Riley. Jordan is my life. My future and his future are wrapped up in doing this together. I’m not you. I don’t have these fantastic goals that I’m determined to meet. I don’t have things written down and planned out. All I know is that this is what I want to do. And I’ve spent way too long worried about what other people think I should be doing. This time, I’m doing what I want to do,” she said defensively.
“I know I should be telling you why this is a stupid idea. Because I know that’s what you expect me to do. But maybe this time, I’ll just say good luck,” I said, putting my arm around her shoulders. She sagged in relief that it hadn’t become an argument.
“I’m just gonna miss you is all,” I said gruffly, feeling emotional at the thought of going through my last few months of college without my best friend.
Maysie wrapped her arm around my waist. “I’ll miss you too, Ri. But who knows, maybe you could come with us or something. You know, when you’re done with school. Before you head off to grad school, it might be good for you,” Maysie teased and I shoved her away.
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna happen, Maysie,” I said tersely.
“Okay, I get it…it doesn’t fit into your grand vision right,” Maysie’s dig was more than a little harsh and I realized that perhaps she was just as critical of my choices as I was of hers.
“I’ve got to get to the newspaper,” I said getting to my feet.
“Are you picking up Gracie?” Maysie asked, not realizing how such an innocent question put me on edge.
“Uh, no, I’m not. I was just planning on driving myself. I have to work later so I figured I wouldn’t have time to drop her off,” I lied.
“Are things cool with you two? I know you’re feeling bad about Garrett because of her, but I don’t think you should let that eat you up. Gracie goes through crushes like you or I go through underwear. She’s never been serious about Garrett. She just thought he was cute. So if you’re beating yourself up because you thought you were being disloyal to Gracie, let it go,” Maysie said firmly.
I appreciated her words. They were spoken like a true friend.
“Yeah, well it was still a dick move. But things are fine, I guess. We haven’t talked much beyond what’s going on in class,” I replied dismissively. I really didn’t want to talk about this stuff. My head was already too full with Maysie’s unexpected news.
“Gracie has become a train wreck. I don’t think she really cares about any of that stuff, Ri. She’s too busy self-destructing. She was so messed up last night, Garrett had to give her a ride home from his house,” Maysie stated and my heart sunk.
“Shit, that’s awful. I knew she was partying a lot but I guess I haven’t been paying that much attention. See, shitty friend award right here,” I pointed at my chest.
“She’s teetering on the edge, you know. She says she’s just blowing off steam, but it seems excessive to me. And I know Garrett feels the same way,” Maysie remarked offhandedly.
“You’ve talked to Garrett about Gracie?” I asked nonchalantly. Yeah, nonchalant my ass.
“Yeah, well he’s had to take her home the last few times. And we were all hanging out at his house after their gig last night and Gracie got wasted…again…I know Garrett’s worried,” Maysie said, not picking up on the way I had tensed.
I had no right to be jealous. I should feel relieved that the world had righted itself and Gracie was spending time with Garrett, just as she had wanted to. It would go a long way to alleviate my feelings of guilt. And it sounded as though he was doing her a solid by looking out for her.
So why did I feel like there was a three ton weight in my chest?
“I’m glad to hear that he’s worried for her. They really are good together. Now, I’ve got to get going. We’ll talk more about you leaving me later,” I said with a smile so she knew I was joking. Maysie looked at me in confusion.
“Uh, okay. Well, I guess I’ll see you this evening,” she called out as I gathered my stuff and headed to the living room.
“Oh you’re actually staying here tonight?” I asked.
Maysie rolled her eyes. “Yes, Jordan and the guys are doing some guy thing that involved drinking beer and blowing stuff up. I think I’ll sit that one out,” she remarked.
“Smart choice,” I replied, mustering up a grin even as my face felt as though it were encased in cement.
Enough of this feelings crap. I had an internship to get to.
Of course the first thing I see when I pulled up at the newspaper was Garrett. Garrett sweaty and looking way too hot for his own good.
And Garrett was not alone.
Oh no.
Garrett was talking, quite intensely to my good ol’ buddy Gracie.
I sat in my car for a bit, trying to inconspicuously watch them. I was trying to decipher the hidden meaning in their body language. Okay, Garrett was standing with his hands in his pocket, so he wasn’t touching her. That had to mean he wasn’t interested, right?
But Gracie’s body was angled toward his which I seem to recall reading in one of those crap women’s magazines Maysie kept by the couch meant she was sending clear signals that she wanted him.
Their heads were bowed down and close as though they were trying not to be overheard. I squinted into the sun, trying to see them better. A knock on my window had me screaming like a ninny.
I spilled my cup of coffee all over my center console and let loose a string of curse words that would make a sailor blush. My car door swung open and the scowl on my face should have made the person responsible run screaming.
Of course that wouldn’t happen because not even my look of death could discourage Damien Green and his mission to whittle down my resolve to have nothing to do with him.
“Shoot, sorry Ri,” he said with a grimace as he took in the giant wet spot on my pants.
“It’s cool, I like walking around looking like I pissed myself,” I grumbled, finding some used napkins on the dash and tried to mop up the mess. I looked up and saw that the objects of my stalking were no longer talking and Gracie was making her way towards me with a huge grin on her face.
Wonder what put that shit eating smile on her face? Maybe I should smack it off just to make me feel better.
What the hell was wrong with me?
Gracie was my friend, not my competition in a non-existent race to get inside Garrett’s pants. Besides I would have already won that one. Booyah!
And yes, I did a mental fist pump. Because I’m mature like that.
Garrett was looking in my direction and I stared back, daring him to approach. Come on Guitar Boy, make my day.
God, someone rip out my inner Dirty Harry and beat the shit out of him please.
Garrett turned and went inside the building without so much as a wave. Okay then…
“Riley, what happened?” Gracie exclaimed, taking in my soaked pants.
I jerked my thumb in Damien’s direction. “Ask Mr. Scared Me Shitless over here,” I said with more than a little rancor.
“Well, let’s hit the bathroom before heading upstairs and get you cleaned up,” Gracie said, looping her arm with mine and pulling me toward the Bakersville Times building. Damien followed closely behind us.
This was the friendliest Gracie had been towards me in weeks and it made me instantly suspicious.
“I’ll get you another coffee,” Damien said eagerly as Gracie and I headed to the restroom in the reception area.
“Don’t bother,” I told him grumpily. I was annoyed. Annoyed that I had ruined my favorite pair of dress pants. Annoyed that Maysie dropped her moving out bomb on me first thing this morning. Annoyed that I had caught Gracie yucking it up with Garrett like they were BFFs.
And most of all annoyed that Garrett hadn’t acknowledged me. Not a wave or a nod of his head. Just big fat nothin’, like I didn’t exist.
It hurt.
It shouldn’t hurt.
I had made myself pretty freaking clear on how I felt about him. But still…
Great, I had morphed into one of those girls. The wishy-washy kind. I hated those girls. I think I needed a time out. Either that or a swift kick up the butt.
Gracie pulled out a grip full of paper towels from the dispenser and handed them to me. I dabbed my pants but figured I’d just have to deal with smelling like stale coffee for the rest of the day.
I tossed the towels into the trash and was about to head out of the bathroom when Gracie touched my hand. “Can we talk for a minute before going up?” she asked me.
“Yeah, I get that,” Maysie remarked and I could tell she was uncomfortable. Knowing what to say to someone who had so recently lost a loved one was tricky. There was a fine line between being supportive and patronizing. Not many people understood that.
I may be swimming in some pretty deep denial but honestly I felt like I was doing fine. Sure, I hurt. I grieved. But for the most part I was throwing myself into school and work and making sure I did the things I had always planned. And for right now that was helping.
After my epic confrontation with Garrett at Barton’s, things had gone thankfully quiet on that end. I hadn’t heard from Garrett and Maysie had been wisely tightlipped, recognizing it was a topic best left alone.
And while Jordan seemed at times on the verge of saying something, he had yet to give me a reason to unleash a verbal lashing. The less people poking their well meaning noses into my personal life the better.
As for the other loose ends in my life, they were still dangling. Damien was wary and despite his black and blue ass, was still tentatively nice.
And then there was Gracie. We were so immersed in each other’s lives that there was no avoiding one another. I wasn’t one to run from conflict, but even I had a hard time handling the iceberg that had taken up residence between us.
Gracie wasn’t the type of person to be outright nasty. She was still civil and polite. We still talked about classes and rode together to our internship, but the subject of a certain guitar playing cutie was left completely alone.
Part of me wanted to address it and get it out there in the open. I hated subtext and that’s what Gracie and I had become. A huge, heaping pile of insinuation. Every conversation held the hint of something else below the surface. There were a million unspoken things between us.
But every time I thought to bring it up, Gracie intuitively shut it down.
So we continued to exist in this world where we didn’t talk about the one thing that was interfering with our friendship. My recent trip into slut town chauffeured by Garrett Bellows.
Aside from that, I had school. I had my internship. I had my straight As. And most importantly I had my total and complete control over where my life was headed. I had recently sent off my grad school applications and started to make plans for what I was going to do after graduation.
Everything was just as it was supposed to be. And in my head I could hear my dad’s sage words, live a life that matters. Well I would do that, at whatever the cost.
“The guys are supposed to head out after the holidays. They’ll be gone for almost six months,” Maysie was saying, snapping me out of my internal monologue.
“Wow, six months. That’s a long time. I thought it was only for three?” I asked her.
“Yeah, well some of the bigger clubs out west got a hold of their demo and wanted to book them for some shows. They’re even opening for Flytrap in May! How amazing is that?” Maysie said excitedly, mentioning a rock band with a hard core following on the college scene.
“That’s pretty cool,” I admitted but then I looked at my friend pointedly. “What are you going to do?” I asked. Hell, what was I going to do? Garrett would be gone for six months.
But then again, six months away from the constant tug and pull of my emotions where he was concerned sounded kind of great actually. At least that’s what I told myself.
But Maysie and Jordan were a unit. I couldn’t imagine Jordan being okay with leaving her behind. Even if he was doing something he loved. Because his love for Maysie trumped everything else.
Maysie’s eyes were downcast and she chewed on her bottom lip. “Well, that’s the thing I wanted to talk to you about,” she said nervously. I watched her warily as she started to twist the rings on her fingers. She was about to tell me something she knew I wouldn’t like. Or at the very least something I would give her a stern lecture about.
“I’ve decided to graduate early. I’m going to get my diploma at the end of the semester,” she said quickly. I blinked in shock, not sure I heard her correctly.
“What?” I asked incredulously.
“I already have enough credits so I figured why not. And then…well…I’m going on the road with the guys,” she announced and I sat down heavily on my bed.
Maysie was leaving. At the end of the semester. To go on tour with Jordan and the band.
Well crap.
“Are you serious?” I asked, trying not to sound as judgmental as I was feeling.
“I want to be with him, Ri. More than anything. And this is his chance to make music and change his life,” she argued.
“What about your life? Your plans?” I asked, not understanding how she could give up everything to follow her boyfriend around the country. I didn’t want to tell her how disappointed I was in her decision. Though I should have expected this. She and Jordan were a force unto themselves. They had always been and an all-encompassing whirlwind that teetered on the edge of disaster. And for me, the always sensible, reliable one, this had disaster written all over it.
Maysie sat down beside me and nudged me with her shoulder. “He is my plan, Riley. Jordan is my life. My future and his future are wrapped up in doing this together. I’m not you. I don’t have these fantastic goals that I’m determined to meet. I don’t have things written down and planned out. All I know is that this is what I want to do. And I’ve spent way too long worried about what other people think I should be doing. This time, I’m doing what I want to do,” she said defensively.
“I know I should be telling you why this is a stupid idea. Because I know that’s what you expect me to do. But maybe this time, I’ll just say good luck,” I said, putting my arm around her shoulders. She sagged in relief that it hadn’t become an argument.
“I’m just gonna miss you is all,” I said gruffly, feeling emotional at the thought of going through my last few months of college without my best friend.
Maysie wrapped her arm around my waist. “I’ll miss you too, Ri. But who knows, maybe you could come with us or something. You know, when you’re done with school. Before you head off to grad school, it might be good for you,” Maysie teased and I shoved her away.
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna happen, Maysie,” I said tersely.
“Okay, I get it…it doesn’t fit into your grand vision right,” Maysie’s dig was more than a little harsh and I realized that perhaps she was just as critical of my choices as I was of hers.
“I’ve got to get to the newspaper,” I said getting to my feet.
“Are you picking up Gracie?” Maysie asked, not realizing how such an innocent question put me on edge.
“Uh, no, I’m not. I was just planning on driving myself. I have to work later so I figured I wouldn’t have time to drop her off,” I lied.
“Are things cool with you two? I know you’re feeling bad about Garrett because of her, but I don’t think you should let that eat you up. Gracie goes through crushes like you or I go through underwear. She’s never been serious about Garrett. She just thought he was cute. So if you’re beating yourself up because you thought you were being disloyal to Gracie, let it go,” Maysie said firmly.
I appreciated her words. They were spoken like a true friend.
“Yeah, well it was still a dick move. But things are fine, I guess. We haven’t talked much beyond what’s going on in class,” I replied dismissively. I really didn’t want to talk about this stuff. My head was already too full with Maysie’s unexpected news.
“Gracie has become a train wreck. I don’t think she really cares about any of that stuff, Ri. She’s too busy self-destructing. She was so messed up last night, Garrett had to give her a ride home from his house,” Maysie stated and my heart sunk.
“Shit, that’s awful. I knew she was partying a lot but I guess I haven’t been paying that much attention. See, shitty friend award right here,” I pointed at my chest.
“She’s teetering on the edge, you know. She says she’s just blowing off steam, but it seems excessive to me. And I know Garrett feels the same way,” Maysie remarked offhandedly.
“You’ve talked to Garrett about Gracie?” I asked nonchalantly. Yeah, nonchalant my ass.
“Yeah, well he’s had to take her home the last few times. And we were all hanging out at his house after their gig last night and Gracie got wasted…again…I know Garrett’s worried,” Maysie said, not picking up on the way I had tensed.
I had no right to be jealous. I should feel relieved that the world had righted itself and Gracie was spending time with Garrett, just as she had wanted to. It would go a long way to alleviate my feelings of guilt. And it sounded as though he was doing her a solid by looking out for her.
So why did I feel like there was a three ton weight in my chest?
“I’m glad to hear that he’s worried for her. They really are good together. Now, I’ve got to get going. We’ll talk more about you leaving me later,” I said with a smile so she knew I was joking. Maysie looked at me in confusion.
“Uh, okay. Well, I guess I’ll see you this evening,” she called out as I gathered my stuff and headed to the living room.
“Oh you’re actually staying here tonight?” I asked.
Maysie rolled her eyes. “Yes, Jordan and the guys are doing some guy thing that involved drinking beer and blowing stuff up. I think I’ll sit that one out,” she remarked.
“Smart choice,” I replied, mustering up a grin even as my face felt as though it were encased in cement.
Enough of this feelings crap. I had an internship to get to.
Of course the first thing I see when I pulled up at the newspaper was Garrett. Garrett sweaty and looking way too hot for his own good.
And Garrett was not alone.
Oh no.
Garrett was talking, quite intensely to my good ol’ buddy Gracie.
I sat in my car for a bit, trying to inconspicuously watch them. I was trying to decipher the hidden meaning in their body language. Okay, Garrett was standing with his hands in his pocket, so he wasn’t touching her. That had to mean he wasn’t interested, right?
But Gracie’s body was angled toward his which I seem to recall reading in one of those crap women’s magazines Maysie kept by the couch meant she was sending clear signals that she wanted him.
Their heads were bowed down and close as though they were trying not to be overheard. I squinted into the sun, trying to see them better. A knock on my window had me screaming like a ninny.
I spilled my cup of coffee all over my center console and let loose a string of curse words that would make a sailor blush. My car door swung open and the scowl on my face should have made the person responsible run screaming.
Of course that wouldn’t happen because not even my look of death could discourage Damien Green and his mission to whittle down my resolve to have nothing to do with him.
“Shoot, sorry Ri,” he said with a grimace as he took in the giant wet spot on my pants.
“It’s cool, I like walking around looking like I pissed myself,” I grumbled, finding some used napkins on the dash and tried to mop up the mess. I looked up and saw that the objects of my stalking were no longer talking and Gracie was making her way towards me with a huge grin on her face.
Wonder what put that shit eating smile on her face? Maybe I should smack it off just to make me feel better.
What the hell was wrong with me?
Gracie was my friend, not my competition in a non-existent race to get inside Garrett’s pants. Besides I would have already won that one. Booyah!
And yes, I did a mental fist pump. Because I’m mature like that.
Garrett was looking in my direction and I stared back, daring him to approach. Come on Guitar Boy, make my day.
God, someone rip out my inner Dirty Harry and beat the shit out of him please.
Garrett turned and went inside the building without so much as a wave. Okay then…
“Riley, what happened?” Gracie exclaimed, taking in my soaked pants.
I jerked my thumb in Damien’s direction. “Ask Mr. Scared Me Shitless over here,” I said with more than a little rancor.
“Well, let’s hit the bathroom before heading upstairs and get you cleaned up,” Gracie said, looping her arm with mine and pulling me toward the Bakersville Times building. Damien followed closely behind us.
This was the friendliest Gracie had been towards me in weeks and it made me instantly suspicious.
“I’ll get you another coffee,” Damien said eagerly as Gracie and I headed to the restroom in the reception area.
“Don’t bother,” I told him grumpily. I was annoyed. Annoyed that I had ruined my favorite pair of dress pants. Annoyed that Maysie dropped her moving out bomb on me first thing this morning. Annoyed that I had caught Gracie yucking it up with Garrett like they were BFFs.
And most of all annoyed that Garrett hadn’t acknowledged me. Not a wave or a nod of his head. Just big fat nothin’, like I didn’t exist.
It hurt.
It shouldn’t hurt.
I had made myself pretty freaking clear on how I felt about him. But still…
Great, I had morphed into one of those girls. The wishy-washy kind. I hated those girls. I think I needed a time out. Either that or a swift kick up the butt.
Gracie pulled out a grip full of paper towels from the dispenser and handed them to me. I dabbed my pants but figured I’d just have to deal with smelling like stale coffee for the rest of the day.
I tossed the towels into the trash and was about to head out of the bathroom when Gracie touched my hand. “Can we talk for a minute before going up?” she asked me.
