Perfect Regret

Page 28

“Hey, Riley,” he said, already dismissing me. The girl, with her boobs still pressed into his chest, glared daggers at me. I barely gave her a look.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked, refusing to sound pleading or desperate, even if inside I was all of those things.
Garrett’s eyes flickered with something I didn’t recognize before he became blandly neutral again. “Well, I’m talking to…” he looked down at big boobs, clearly struggling to remember her name.
“Randa,” she chirped, looking annoyed.
“Right, Randa. So Randa and I were having a conversation. I’m a little busy. Maybe later,” Garrett said, clearly trying to get rid of me.
I grabbed his arm before he could walk away. “I promise I won’t keep you from Randa for more than a few minutes. I’m sure this scintillating interaction is too awesome to miss out on.” My smile could cut glass.
Garrett looked at me as if he wished I would disappear. It hurt, knowing he didn’t want me around. Particularly when there was a time I thought his attention was nothing more than an unwanted distraction. I hadn’t appreciated his heart when I had it. I was a stupid. I was cruel. And worse than all that, I had lost something I hadn’t realized I even wanted.
“Just a minute,” I said and then added, “please” for good measure. I even batted my eyelashes. I was laying it on pretty thick.
Garrett squinted at me as though I had sprouted a set of wings but then shrugged. Turning back to Randa he gave her a half smile. “Catch up with you later?” he asked and I wanted to snarl. Seriously, I wanted to go jungle cat on both of them. What was wrong with me?
Randa looked from Garrett to me, then back again. I knew her bleach-fried brain was trying to make sense out of Garrett ditching her for the likes of me.
“Okay,” she said in a voice that sounded as though she had spent a good deal of time huffing Helium gas.
“Lead the way,” Garrett said, seeming bored as he gestured for me to walk in front of him.
I wanted to snap at him. I wanted to hurl a thousand insults at his head. But I didn’t. Call it a growing maturity. Or maybe I was just losing my touch. Whatever it was, I held my tongue and moved toward the back of the restaurant.
Pushing through the swinging doors into the kitchen, I was hit with a face full of water. Looking down at my drenched white shirt I felt my fingers curve into claws and I was ready to do some serious damage.
“I told you I’d see those tits one day!” Paco hollered from his station at the dishwasher. This time I snarled. I didn’t hold back the feral feline ready to come out.
“You. Are. Dead!” I yelled, before trying to run over and stick my foot down his throat.
“Woah, just chill, Riley. I have to get back on stage in ten minutes. So save the murder and mayhem for later, please,” Garrett said, stopping me from wiping the floor with the pervy dishwasher.
I pointed at Paco, who wasn’t laughing anymore and had a satisfying look of fear on his fleshy face. “You, later. Don’t go anywhere,” I threatened, before stomping toward the back doors leading to the smoking area.
I was thankful it was dark out but instantly regretted not grabbing my jacket, particularly since it was freezing and I was now in a wet shirt. Stupid jerks. I shivered but refused to be waylaid by my impending hypothermia.
“Maybe we should head inside. Your lips are turning blue,” Garrett commented, eyeing me warily.
“No, just let me say something first,” I insisted. Garrett shrugged as if to say, “It’s your appendages.”
“I’ve been an ass,” I started and Garrett snorted. I tried really hard not to glare at him.
Garrett gave me a pointed look. “What? I’m not going to argue with you,” he said matter a factly.
“I suppose I deserved that,” I said, trying to unclench my jaw. Garrett snorted again, but this time I staunchly ignored it.
“I’ve had it in my head that we weren’t right for each other. That we were going in two different directions. That you had nothing going for you. That I was better than you.” I hated the harshness of my truth. I saw Garrett’s eyes harden and I knew my words hurt.
“But I was so wrong, Garrett. I’m not better than you. I think you’re entirely too good for me. You don’t judge people, or make them feel bad. You accept everyone. You were there for me during a really difficult time. And I’ve since realized that those days with you, had been the most at peace I’d felt since my dad died. I’d thank you again, if those words hadn’t become completely inadequate.”
I couldn’t tell if my confession meant anything to him. Per usual, Garrett’s face gave nothing away.
“I know this is most likely too little too late. I know I’ve spent a lot of time making you feel like a loser and I can’t erase that by saying I’m sorry. But I am. I am, Garrett. I’m so very sorry for ever making you feel less than what you are.” I ended in a rush, wanting to get it all out before I froze to death.
Garrett didn’t say anything. He was looking at me in an unreadable way. I didn’t push him to respond, knowing that it would ruin whatever this moment was.
“I’m not sure what you want me to say,” he broke the silence, his voice rough. Pushing his shaggy hair out of his eyes, he watched me with a hesitance that was both understandable and heartbreaking.
“I don’t know that I want you to say anything. I just needed you to hear me,” I said softly making Garrett laugh bitterly.
“Of course. Because it’s what Riley Walker wants. So we all have to bow down to her wishes and demands. To hell with what the rest of us want or need,” Garrett said angrily. I was taken aback by the hostility in his eyes. I had expected dismissal or frustration or a million other responses than his cold rage.
“I…” I started, not sure exactly what I was going to say. Garrett punched the wall beside him, making me go silent.
Well…shit.
“Do you even know how many times I wanted you to look at me, not as a loser with no future. Not as a guy in a band with no idea of what he wants in his life. I just wanted you, to just once, look at me as the guy who would give you the world. And for that to be enough,” he said with a passion that was so uncharacteristic for him that I had nothing to say. Not a single, goddamn thing.
“But it wasn’t enough. That first time, I get it, I was the rebound. I was the guy to help you forget. Even if you ended up forgetting all of it.”
“Not all of it,” I interrupted.
“No, maybe not, but you forgot the part where I told you how long I’ve wanted you. How I held you in my arms and knew for certain that I would never hold anyone else again. That for a single moment in time we were everything to each other,” Garrett’s voice broke and he looked away from me, as though he couldn’t bear it.
I opened my mouth and then closed it. Then tried again.
“I had no idea,” I said, wishing I could touch him. But I knew that wouldn’t be okay right now.
“No, because you were so quick to label it a mistake. And I agreed. Mostly because I was pissed that the girl who I had been ready to lay down my world for, dismissed me like yesterday’s trash. I get it. I’m a townie. I don’t go to Rinard College like the rest of those douche holes that you run around with. But f**king hell, Riley, I want to think that I matter. That I have merit.” He was yelling at this point and I worried someone would come outside to see what was going on. And that was the last thing I wanted.
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Garrett. That I know that! That I was wrong! I feel like shit for thinking that. Even for one second!” I cried out as Garrett turned away from me as though to go back inside.
Garrett’s shoulders slouched and his hair hung limply to his shoulders. He looked like a man defeated. “But I am a loser, Riley. I’ve wasted what my parents gave me. I never thought my life was lacking until you made me question all of it. You shouldn’t waste your time on me. Damien is much better for you than I could ever be.”
I shocked us both by smacking him. Yep, I smacked him across his pretty little face. His head flew to the side and my palm started stinging before I realized what I had done. Slowly, Garrett turned back to me, his brow furrowed, his eyes hooded. He brought his hand up to cup his cheek.
“What. In. The. Fucking. Hell?” he asked in a deadly quiet.
I cradled my stinging hand against my chest as I breathed heavily from the adrenaline rush. “Don’t you ever say that about yourself again. You are not a loser. If you say anything like that again, I’ll punch you,” I swore emphatically.
Garrett took a step toward me, his eyes heated and furious. “Who the hell do you think you are? You spend the past year making me feel like something on the bottom of your shoe. Now you physically assault me when I’m in agreement? You’re nuts, Riley. Certifiably insane,” he spit out.
I moved forward, until our chests were almost touching. I looked up into his face; his right cheek splotched an angry red. I reached up and ran my fingers along the length of the mark. “You are not a loser, Garrett. You’re everything…everything that I want. I’m sorry that I ever made you question what I felt for you or what you should feel about yourself. I never want to make you feel that way again,” I promised, meaning every single world.
Garrett flinched against my hand, as though afraid for me to touch him. “I wish I could believe you. But I’ve heard this before. I’m not a guy that likes to put myself out there over and over again just to be stomped on. Riley, I can admit that you didn’t just hurt me. You shredded me. My heart that could only bend has definitely been broken. I thought to myself, here is this girl who can get me. Who, even though I’m nowhere good enough for her, might take a chance on a guy like me. And that maybe finally, I could have a future that means something. I can’t do this if you’re going to break me, Ri,” his voice dropped into a whisper and I was having a hard time breathing around the gigantic lump that had firmly lodged itself into my throat.
“I didn’t want to talk to you thinking I could persuade you to forgive me. To get you to take a chance on me after the way I’ve been. I just wanted you to hear, from me, that I’m sorry. You have an amazing heart and one day, you’ll give it away to a girl who deserves it,” I choked on my words and dropped my hand from his face.
Turning away, I planned to make my grand exit. You know, try to keep some shred of dignity.
“I’ve already given it away to the most beautiful girl I could ever meet. I just hope like hell she doesn’t give it back,” he said, his hand pressing into my back, just between my shoulder blades. I could feel the warmth of his skin through my shirt and I closed my eyes as the sensation became overwhelming.
I forgot about our crappy timing. I forgot about the thousands of ways I had sabotaged this moment. I forgot about Gracie, who was barely talking to me.
All I could think…all I could feel…was this. His hand on me in such an innocent yet extremely intimate way. His words rang in my ears and I knew I couldn’t fight them.
Not anymore.
Turning to face him, our eyes met and in one seamless movement, we fell together. His arms going around my waist, my hands tangling in his hair. And his mouth pressed against mine like a song. Look here folks, Riley Walker the freaking poet.
But Garrett Bellows brought out my inner Byron. I wanted to blather on idiotically about the softness of his lips and the taste of his tongue. I wanted to profess ridiculous amounts of hyperboles over the color of his eyes and the smell of his skin.
Garrett Bellows short-circuited the more reasonable parts of my brain. And I now knew that wasn’t such a bad thing.
I needed less concrete and more what ifs in my life. Reason will only get you so far.
The heart needed to believe in things that didn’t necessarily make sense.
And Garrett Bellows and Riley Walker most certainly did not make sense.
But that didn’t mean it wasn’t right.
I opened my mouth under his and felt his tongue slip between my lips. I sighed like a lovesick fool as he devoured me. His hands came up to cup my face as he kissed me an intensity that both frightened and melted me.
“What about that jackass sniffing around your skirt? Your ex?” Garrett asked pulling away slightly to look down at me, his hands still holding my face. His lips were swollen and leaned up to run my tongue along the crease. Garrett’s eyes closed and he groaned deep in his throat.
“He’s such a non issue. Don’t even mention him,” I replied tersely, pulling his mouth back down to mine with enough force to bang our teeth together. We both laughed at my exuberance but continued to kiss each other like two kids exploring each other for the first time.
My eyes popped open. What about Gracie? How could I have forgotten about Gracie?
“Garrett, hang on a sec,” I put my finger to his lips, stilling him. His eyes were clouded with desire and I had to resist the overwhelming urge to dissolve into him again.
“What about Gracie? She may not like this,” I said, indicating the space between us.
Garrett looked legitimately confused, which in turn confused me even more.
“Why would Gracie care?” he asked. God, men were so clueless sometimes.
“Probably because she’s been wanting to get in your pants for months now. She’s already angry with me. I don’t want to hurt her,” I said, feeling a sudden wash of misery. So much for finally letting my heart do the talking. What was the point when I would never willingly hurt Gracie like that again?
Garrett’s fingers combed through my hair until they laced at the nape of my neck. He touched his forehead to mine our noses brushing against each other. “Gracie is a confused, bitter and extremely sick girl. She doesn’t want me anymore than I want her,” he said with conviction.