Perfect Regret
Page 30
I knew that Gracie’s parents lived in a subdivision just outside of town but I realized I didn’t know the exact house number. I pulled down a road with a line of similar looking brick houses and was about to call Maysie to ask for the exact directions when I saw a familiar white van.
I pulled in behind Garrett’s vehicle and turned off my car. He was just closing the front door as I walked up the path. He was digging in his pocket for his keys and hadn’t noticed me yet. He was dressed in his typical slacker grunge attire that at one time I found to be horrific. His dirty blond hair brushed his shoulders and hung in his face. His beat up Vans were untied, the laces trailing to the ground. His green button shirt was only buttoned halfway, which was I assumed was him trying to be respectful of Gracie’s parents. I found that I hated not being able to see the taught muscles of his stomach. God, why didn’t I just go and lick his chest while I was at it?
I slowed down my walk, giving him time to see me. And when he did, I froze. Because the look on his face wasn’t the one I expected to see. I had anticipated disgust or disapproval. I was so sure he was done with me after my crappy display of friendship to the girl who lived in the house behind him.
But what I saw reflected in those beautiful blue eyes was a tenderness that made me weak in the knees.
“Riley,” he said in his husky voice. I had to take a deep breath to calm my rapidly beating heart. It was either that or pass out cold on the Cooks’ front lawn.
“Hi, Garrett,” I said, trying to smile but knowing it most likely looked like a spasm of the lips.
Garrett met me halfway and we stood there like the Two Maxs in that Dr. Seuss story. Neither of us moving, both stuck in our tracks.
“I’m here to see Gracie,” I announced stupidly.
Garrett’s eyebrows rose. “Yeah, I figured that, with you being at her parents’ house and all.”
“I know I haven’t been to see her yet, I just wasn’t sure…”
“Whether you could see another person you loved sick and suffering?” Garrett asked and I felt the giant knot in my stomach loosen with the realization that he got it. Just like he always did.
“Yeah,” I answered.
“I’m sorry I haven’t called. Especially after the way we left things,” Garrett said, surprising the hell out of me.
“You’ve been a little busy. Frankly, I didn’t expect to hear from you,” I said honestly. No sense in denying the big hole of suck I had been wallowing in for the past few days.
Garrett frowned and then shocked me even further by reaching out and wrapping his hand around my wrist, tugging me forward. I stumbled toward him until the tips of our shoes were touching and were breathing in each other’s air. I looked up into his eyes and almost recoiled at the depth of emotion I saw there.
I didn’t spend a lot of time embracing the touchy feely. I tended to feel awkward and weird when forced to deal with it. Even when Damien had said I love you, I never felt entirely comfortable with it, so it was my natural reaction to pull away.
But there was something about the way Garrett Bellows looked at me that made running the last thing I wanted to do.
“I should have called you, Ri. Because after what we said to each other, you deserved to hear every second of every day that I feel the same way. That you’re my girl. That we’ll be together until you decide you can do better and kick me to the curb.” He tugged on my arm again before moving his arms around me.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered before kissing the side of my mouth softly. He let his lips linger there, not deepening the kiss but with an aching tenderness that made my knees buckle.
“Stop saying you’re sorry. It’s annoying,” I said huskily after he moved away.
“It annoys you, huh? What else is new?” he teased before his face darkened. “I am sorry. But Gracie,”
“Gracie needed you. I get it,” I finished for him.
“We weren’t hooking up, Riley. We were never together like that. I just saw in her something that reminded me way too much of myself. I just wanted to help I guess,” he said, sounding like the boy who had lost his world and didn’t know what to do about it. It made me sad and angry and scared. All for him.
“I get that now. You’re a good guy, Garrett,” I said with a small smile.
Garrett gave me a crooked grin. “Just don’t tell anyone,” he quipped.
I stood there in the circle of his arms, knowing this is where I wanted to be. That even in the worst of circumstances he was always there. He was steadfast and loyal and never, ever wavered.
How many people could say they’d do the same?
Because this man had proved time and time again that he could handle the ugly that life threw at him and that was the kind of person I wanted in my life.
“I’d better get in there,” I told him, not wanting to move away from him, but knowing that I should. That there was someone else I needed to make things right with.
“Yeah, you should.” He didn’t move in to kiss me. In fact, he backed up and dropped his arms from around me. But I didn’t feel like I was being rejected. In fact, it felt almost like a promise of something more. Of something that we would build on…soon.
“Can I see you later?” he asked me, sounding hesitant, as though bracing himself for my rebuff.
“Yeah, I’d like that,” I said.
“Okay then. I’ll call you tonight. You’ll answer, right?” he asked is light tone but he meant what he asked. He needed the validation that I wouldn’t turn him down again.
“Damn straight,” I said fiercely, earning me a laugh.
“Cool,” Garrett nodded, flipping his keys around on his finger. “Talk to you then.” He gave me a salute and I headed to the front door finding Gracie standing there, her hands shoved into the pockets of an oversized sweater.
Her long, blonde hair was lank and lifeless and her face was pale but her eyes were anything but remote.
“Hey, G,” I said not turning to watch Garrett drive away even as she lifted her hand to wave him off.
Once the sound of Garrett’s van disappeared, Gracie held open the door and let me inside. The house was just as I pictured the place where Gracie grew up. It was prim and proper. Everything tidy and in its place. There were framed family portraits on the shelves, Christmas cards made into a wreathe on the wall.
Gracie led me into the living room where a fire burned in a huge fireplace and a magnificent Christmas tree stood in the corner. It’s a very WASPy Christmas! I thought and then mentally scolded myself for being unkind. I didn’t know her parents; maybe they were very nice people despite the Keeping Up with the Joneses air that their home gave off.
“My parents are out to dinner. Thank freaking god! They’re driving me nuts!” Gracie said on a sigh, indicating for me to take a seat. Her easy naturalness threw me after months of fake civility.
“Stop looking at me like I’m an alien, Ri. I swear, I am Gracie Cook and not a pod person,” she giggled as I sat down on the couch.
“Well I’m glad there are no pod people present. That would make for some awkward conversation,” I remarked dryly. Gracie held out a bowl of walnuts, offering them to me. I shook my head and she started digging in with zeal.
“So how’ve you been?” she asked me after a few minutes of me listening to her crunching.
I couldn’t help but laugh. Gracie looked at me questioningly.
“It’s just funny that here we are, all super normal like and you’re asking me how I’m doing. Shouldn’t I be asking you that question?” I asked her.
Gracie made a face. “I spend all day telling people how I’m doing. It would be nice to talk about someone else. Just to shake things up a bit,” she joked and I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to address the reasons for my neglectful friendship. I wanted to figure out how to fix all the ways our relationship had soured. I wanted to take the bull by the horns after months of skirting issues instead of facing them head on.
And it seemed in some ways, Gracie was taking a leaf out of the Riley Walker book of confrontation. Get it out of the way as succinctly as possible.
“So I see you and Garrett are working things out,” she stated matter of factly.
It’s a good thing I wasn’t eating any of those freaking nuts, or I would have required the Heimlich maneuver.
“Um…yeah. I guess we should talk about that,” I said slowly.
Gracie blew out an exasperated breath. “Should we talk about the fact that you’ve been crazy in love with him for months now?” she asked me pointedly and this time I did choke.
“Excuse me?” I practically shouted.
Gracie giggled again. “I am so right! I knew it! You love Garrett Bellows! Riley and Garrett sitting in a tree…” she couldn’t continue over her hysterical laughter.
My face flamed red. “Well, I’m glad you find this so amusing,” I said, trying not to be irritated by the girl who had nearly died just days ago and was now laughing her ass off at the state of my love life.
Gracie made an effort to calm down. “I just never thought I’d see the day you would fall for a guy like Garrett.” She dropped her voice into a conspiratorial whisper. “I mean, he’s a townie and in a band. I couldn’t imagine someone so not your type.” And then she was giggling again.
Well, I didn’t know what to do. This was not how I envisioned this conversation going. I had pictured me cataloging the thousands of ways I had failed her as a friend. Gracie giving me the understandable cold shoulder. We’d hash out our issues. Gracie would cry. I’d give her some tissues. End of scene.
I was definitely not prepared for Gracie laughing her ass off over my reality defying relationship with Garrett. Not after the months of barely polite interactions I had endured with her.
“Yeah, funny stuff,” I bit out. I will not strangle the girl who almost died of alcohol poisoning. I will not strangle the girl who almost died of alcohol poisoning. I will not…
Gracie pinched her lips together, most likely to control her bout of hysterics. “I’m sorry. That was rude. I’m happy for your, Ri. Honest and truly. You deserve a guy like Garrett. He’s pretty amazing,” she said a little wistfully.
Now I could get to the root of our issues.
“You’re happy for me? Because from the way things have been between us, I was expecting a dart in the neck at the very least,” I said wryly and Gracie looked sheepish.
“Okay, I was pissed.” Gracie grimaced. “I was jealous and angry and bitter. All I could see was perfect princess Riley getting something I wanted. I’ve been a mess of f**ked up feelings for a while now. And I’ve unfairly made you a focal point for a lot of my shit,” Gracie confessed.
“Two weeks sober and getting into some heavy duty therapy can make things a lot clearer. I liked Garrett. But I didn’t want anything more than a new toy to play with. And when he offered only friendship I tried to manipulate it into something else. I’m a screwed up chick, Riley. Garrett says I’ve got Daddy issues.” Gracie looked away and I realized I knew very little about Gracie’s home life. I didn’t know much beyond the fact that her parents lived in this perfect Suburban house and she had a close relationship with her sister.
“Who knows? I guess my therapist will dig into all that psychological stuff. My point is I’ve been overdosing on the crazy for too long now. I don’t have those feelings for Garrett. I never did. So if that is standing in your way at all, get over it. I won’t be your excuse for missing out on a relationship with a great guy,” Gracie scolded me good-naturedly.
I swear I must have touched down in the Twilight Zone. I must have looked as shocked as I felt because Gracie tossed a nut at my face, which I barely swatted out of the way before it hit my nose.
“Not how you pictured this talk going? Do you want me to cry so you can give me some tissues? And then we can talk about our heavy flow or something?” Gracie teased, proving she knew me entirely too well.
I chuckled. “I’m quite okay with leaving the period discussion for another day. You know if you’re feeling tired or something.”
We had a moment of total normalcy. It felt unbelievably good. After months of topsy-turvy, this felt amazing.
Reaching over and grabbing a handful of M&Ms from another dish on the coffee table I finally asked one of the questions that needed to be asked. “When are you coming back to school?”
Gracie’s lips thinned out and she looked down. “I’m going to take a semester off. For now. I need to get myself together. I’ve been going out of control for a while now. I can’t go back until I know I can handle it,” she said with a surety that was good to hear.
Her words weren’t surprising but they made me sad all the same. Maysie would be graduating early and Gracie wouldn’t be coming back next semester. It seemed as though my last semester at Rinard was going to be a lonely one. Not exactly how I pictured my senior year of college.
“You do what you need to do,” I said, making sure I sounded supportive. Because Gracie was right. She needed a breather. College and parties and the stress of graduating were the last thing she needed.
“Thanks. I plan on it. And you’ll be so busy being awesome you’ll breeze through your last few months. Then you’ll be off to some fantastic grad school so you can become a kick ass journalist and give Barbara Walters a run for her money. BW pre-View, of course,” Gracie added before I could say it.
I grinned. “You know me too well, G.” I tossed some more chocolate in my mouth.
I pulled in behind Garrett’s vehicle and turned off my car. He was just closing the front door as I walked up the path. He was digging in his pocket for his keys and hadn’t noticed me yet. He was dressed in his typical slacker grunge attire that at one time I found to be horrific. His dirty blond hair brushed his shoulders and hung in his face. His beat up Vans were untied, the laces trailing to the ground. His green button shirt was only buttoned halfway, which was I assumed was him trying to be respectful of Gracie’s parents. I found that I hated not being able to see the taught muscles of his stomach. God, why didn’t I just go and lick his chest while I was at it?
I slowed down my walk, giving him time to see me. And when he did, I froze. Because the look on his face wasn’t the one I expected to see. I had anticipated disgust or disapproval. I was so sure he was done with me after my crappy display of friendship to the girl who lived in the house behind him.
But what I saw reflected in those beautiful blue eyes was a tenderness that made me weak in the knees.
“Riley,” he said in his husky voice. I had to take a deep breath to calm my rapidly beating heart. It was either that or pass out cold on the Cooks’ front lawn.
“Hi, Garrett,” I said, trying to smile but knowing it most likely looked like a spasm of the lips.
Garrett met me halfway and we stood there like the Two Maxs in that Dr. Seuss story. Neither of us moving, both stuck in our tracks.
“I’m here to see Gracie,” I announced stupidly.
Garrett’s eyebrows rose. “Yeah, I figured that, with you being at her parents’ house and all.”
“I know I haven’t been to see her yet, I just wasn’t sure…”
“Whether you could see another person you loved sick and suffering?” Garrett asked and I felt the giant knot in my stomach loosen with the realization that he got it. Just like he always did.
“Yeah,” I answered.
“I’m sorry I haven’t called. Especially after the way we left things,” Garrett said, surprising the hell out of me.
“You’ve been a little busy. Frankly, I didn’t expect to hear from you,” I said honestly. No sense in denying the big hole of suck I had been wallowing in for the past few days.
Garrett frowned and then shocked me even further by reaching out and wrapping his hand around my wrist, tugging me forward. I stumbled toward him until the tips of our shoes were touching and were breathing in each other’s air. I looked up into his eyes and almost recoiled at the depth of emotion I saw there.
I didn’t spend a lot of time embracing the touchy feely. I tended to feel awkward and weird when forced to deal with it. Even when Damien had said I love you, I never felt entirely comfortable with it, so it was my natural reaction to pull away.
But there was something about the way Garrett Bellows looked at me that made running the last thing I wanted to do.
“I should have called you, Ri. Because after what we said to each other, you deserved to hear every second of every day that I feel the same way. That you’re my girl. That we’ll be together until you decide you can do better and kick me to the curb.” He tugged on my arm again before moving his arms around me.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered before kissing the side of my mouth softly. He let his lips linger there, not deepening the kiss but with an aching tenderness that made my knees buckle.
“Stop saying you’re sorry. It’s annoying,” I said huskily after he moved away.
“It annoys you, huh? What else is new?” he teased before his face darkened. “I am sorry. But Gracie,”
“Gracie needed you. I get it,” I finished for him.
“We weren’t hooking up, Riley. We were never together like that. I just saw in her something that reminded me way too much of myself. I just wanted to help I guess,” he said, sounding like the boy who had lost his world and didn’t know what to do about it. It made me sad and angry and scared. All for him.
“I get that now. You’re a good guy, Garrett,” I said with a small smile.
Garrett gave me a crooked grin. “Just don’t tell anyone,” he quipped.
I stood there in the circle of his arms, knowing this is where I wanted to be. That even in the worst of circumstances he was always there. He was steadfast and loyal and never, ever wavered.
How many people could say they’d do the same?
Because this man had proved time and time again that he could handle the ugly that life threw at him and that was the kind of person I wanted in my life.
“I’d better get in there,” I told him, not wanting to move away from him, but knowing that I should. That there was someone else I needed to make things right with.
“Yeah, you should.” He didn’t move in to kiss me. In fact, he backed up and dropped his arms from around me. But I didn’t feel like I was being rejected. In fact, it felt almost like a promise of something more. Of something that we would build on…soon.
“Can I see you later?” he asked me, sounding hesitant, as though bracing himself for my rebuff.
“Yeah, I’d like that,” I said.
“Okay then. I’ll call you tonight. You’ll answer, right?” he asked is light tone but he meant what he asked. He needed the validation that I wouldn’t turn him down again.
“Damn straight,” I said fiercely, earning me a laugh.
“Cool,” Garrett nodded, flipping his keys around on his finger. “Talk to you then.” He gave me a salute and I headed to the front door finding Gracie standing there, her hands shoved into the pockets of an oversized sweater.
Her long, blonde hair was lank and lifeless and her face was pale but her eyes were anything but remote.
“Hey, G,” I said not turning to watch Garrett drive away even as she lifted her hand to wave him off.
Once the sound of Garrett’s van disappeared, Gracie held open the door and let me inside. The house was just as I pictured the place where Gracie grew up. It was prim and proper. Everything tidy and in its place. There were framed family portraits on the shelves, Christmas cards made into a wreathe on the wall.
Gracie led me into the living room where a fire burned in a huge fireplace and a magnificent Christmas tree stood in the corner. It’s a very WASPy Christmas! I thought and then mentally scolded myself for being unkind. I didn’t know her parents; maybe they were very nice people despite the Keeping Up with the Joneses air that their home gave off.
“My parents are out to dinner. Thank freaking god! They’re driving me nuts!” Gracie said on a sigh, indicating for me to take a seat. Her easy naturalness threw me after months of fake civility.
“Stop looking at me like I’m an alien, Ri. I swear, I am Gracie Cook and not a pod person,” she giggled as I sat down on the couch.
“Well I’m glad there are no pod people present. That would make for some awkward conversation,” I remarked dryly. Gracie held out a bowl of walnuts, offering them to me. I shook my head and she started digging in with zeal.
“So how’ve you been?” she asked me after a few minutes of me listening to her crunching.
I couldn’t help but laugh. Gracie looked at me questioningly.
“It’s just funny that here we are, all super normal like and you’re asking me how I’m doing. Shouldn’t I be asking you that question?” I asked her.
Gracie made a face. “I spend all day telling people how I’m doing. It would be nice to talk about someone else. Just to shake things up a bit,” she joked and I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to address the reasons for my neglectful friendship. I wanted to figure out how to fix all the ways our relationship had soured. I wanted to take the bull by the horns after months of skirting issues instead of facing them head on.
And it seemed in some ways, Gracie was taking a leaf out of the Riley Walker book of confrontation. Get it out of the way as succinctly as possible.
“So I see you and Garrett are working things out,” she stated matter of factly.
It’s a good thing I wasn’t eating any of those freaking nuts, or I would have required the Heimlich maneuver.
“Um…yeah. I guess we should talk about that,” I said slowly.
Gracie blew out an exasperated breath. “Should we talk about the fact that you’ve been crazy in love with him for months now?” she asked me pointedly and this time I did choke.
“Excuse me?” I practically shouted.
Gracie giggled again. “I am so right! I knew it! You love Garrett Bellows! Riley and Garrett sitting in a tree…” she couldn’t continue over her hysterical laughter.
My face flamed red. “Well, I’m glad you find this so amusing,” I said, trying not to be irritated by the girl who had nearly died just days ago and was now laughing her ass off at the state of my love life.
Gracie made an effort to calm down. “I just never thought I’d see the day you would fall for a guy like Garrett.” She dropped her voice into a conspiratorial whisper. “I mean, he’s a townie and in a band. I couldn’t imagine someone so not your type.” And then she was giggling again.
Well, I didn’t know what to do. This was not how I envisioned this conversation going. I had pictured me cataloging the thousands of ways I had failed her as a friend. Gracie giving me the understandable cold shoulder. We’d hash out our issues. Gracie would cry. I’d give her some tissues. End of scene.
I was definitely not prepared for Gracie laughing her ass off over my reality defying relationship with Garrett. Not after the months of barely polite interactions I had endured with her.
“Yeah, funny stuff,” I bit out. I will not strangle the girl who almost died of alcohol poisoning. I will not strangle the girl who almost died of alcohol poisoning. I will not…
Gracie pinched her lips together, most likely to control her bout of hysterics. “I’m sorry. That was rude. I’m happy for your, Ri. Honest and truly. You deserve a guy like Garrett. He’s pretty amazing,” she said a little wistfully.
Now I could get to the root of our issues.
“You’re happy for me? Because from the way things have been between us, I was expecting a dart in the neck at the very least,” I said wryly and Gracie looked sheepish.
“Okay, I was pissed.” Gracie grimaced. “I was jealous and angry and bitter. All I could see was perfect princess Riley getting something I wanted. I’ve been a mess of f**ked up feelings for a while now. And I’ve unfairly made you a focal point for a lot of my shit,” Gracie confessed.
“Two weeks sober and getting into some heavy duty therapy can make things a lot clearer. I liked Garrett. But I didn’t want anything more than a new toy to play with. And when he offered only friendship I tried to manipulate it into something else. I’m a screwed up chick, Riley. Garrett says I’ve got Daddy issues.” Gracie looked away and I realized I knew very little about Gracie’s home life. I didn’t know much beyond the fact that her parents lived in this perfect Suburban house and she had a close relationship with her sister.
“Who knows? I guess my therapist will dig into all that psychological stuff. My point is I’ve been overdosing on the crazy for too long now. I don’t have those feelings for Garrett. I never did. So if that is standing in your way at all, get over it. I won’t be your excuse for missing out on a relationship with a great guy,” Gracie scolded me good-naturedly.
I swear I must have touched down in the Twilight Zone. I must have looked as shocked as I felt because Gracie tossed a nut at my face, which I barely swatted out of the way before it hit my nose.
“Not how you pictured this talk going? Do you want me to cry so you can give me some tissues? And then we can talk about our heavy flow or something?” Gracie teased, proving she knew me entirely too well.
I chuckled. “I’m quite okay with leaving the period discussion for another day. You know if you’re feeling tired or something.”
We had a moment of total normalcy. It felt unbelievably good. After months of topsy-turvy, this felt amazing.
Reaching over and grabbing a handful of M&Ms from another dish on the coffee table I finally asked one of the questions that needed to be asked. “When are you coming back to school?”
Gracie’s lips thinned out and she looked down. “I’m going to take a semester off. For now. I need to get myself together. I’ve been going out of control for a while now. I can’t go back until I know I can handle it,” she said with a surety that was good to hear.
Her words weren’t surprising but they made me sad all the same. Maysie would be graduating early and Gracie wouldn’t be coming back next semester. It seemed as though my last semester at Rinard was going to be a lonely one. Not exactly how I pictured my senior year of college.
“You do what you need to do,” I said, making sure I sounded supportive. Because Gracie was right. She needed a breather. College and parties and the stress of graduating were the last thing she needed.
“Thanks. I plan on it. And you’ll be so busy being awesome you’ll breeze through your last few months. Then you’ll be off to some fantastic grad school so you can become a kick ass journalist and give Barbara Walters a run for her money. BW pre-View, of course,” Gracie added before I could say it.
I grinned. “You know me too well, G.” I tossed some more chocolate in my mouth.
