Playing Patience

Page 72

“Ding, ding, ding!” I stood up and faced her.
The room turned with me and then I got a good look at the sadness on her face and it pissed me off. She moved toward me and I felt my spine stiffen.
She stood there staring up at me like she was trying to see my hidden secret. It was there, just beneath the surface, and it made me uncomfortable having her look so closely.
“Came to try again? Maybe you won’t freak out when you get off this time?”
It was like a slap to her face. I knew they would be when the words worked their way down my tongue. Her eyes filled with tears and I felt my heart go flat. Swishing her hair in my face, she turned to leave, but hurting her hurt me and I wanted to apologize on the spot.
I reached out and grabbed her arm and she turned to face me. An apology was waiting just behind my lips, but then she looked down at my arm and her eyes went wide. I followed her gaze and saw she was staring at my snowflake tattoo.
“What’s that?” She held up my arm.
I pulled it away and crossed my arms.
“Is that a snowflake?” She pointed at my arm. “Why would you tattoo a snowflake on your arm?” Her expression changed and I saw a bit of hope seep into her eyes. “Is it… did you get it for me?”
Damn right I did! That’s what I wanted to say. Yeah, I was drunk when I did it. Sure, I was completely out of it, but they say a drunken man never lies and I had a moment of honestly when I’d branded myself with a symbol for Patience. She was under my skin always. Why not put her on my skin as well?
Instead of giving in, I went deeper into asshole mode.
“Oh, God, here we go. Go ahead, snowflake. Turn it into something it’s not. Go tell all your little white-collar friends that the white trash boy from across town is so in love with you he went and got a tattoo for you.”
I made it sound as if it were a joke, but in actuality, it was the truth… It was the truth and it sucked.
“You’re such an asshole. I don’t know what made me think I could ever be in love with someone like you.” Her words reached into my chest and squeezed my heart with an iron fist. “Why do you do that? Why do you give me something great and then snatch it away? What would it take from you to allow me to walk away just once feeling like I’m something important to you? Just once!” A tear slipped down her cheek. “You’re the only person in the world I want to be important to, but you refuse to just give me a minute of that feeling.”
I stood there and listened without saying a word. She had all but admitted she was in love with me. Anything I’d been ready to say was lodged in the back of my throat.
She threw up her arms in frustration. “I’m not going to lie. Yes, I thought the snowflake was for me, but only because you call me snowflake. Parts of me hope you got that tattoo as a memento of a girl you’re crazy about, but I know better. You’re incapable of having feelings at all apparently. So don’t you worry about me having any misconceived notions about where you stand. I know where I place in your life and it’s right below your guitar, your shitty car, some skank you banged last week, and drugs!”
I stood there in shock by the vehemence in her voice. The words she said couldn’t have been more untrue, but it would be wrong of me to admit such feelings for her. Hell yes, I marked my body with her essence, but I’d been marked by her long before the tattoo. She earned the spot on my body as well as my heart and soul, but I’d never be cruel enough to admit that.
I’d die before I trapped her and made her a prisoner of my world. Patience would give me one hundred percent of herself and I knew she’d run full force into my hell without a thought for consequences. I knew this because I wanted to do the same when it came to her, but one of us had to be smart.
She had a future—filled with college and high-paying jobs. She had a future with rich husbands and beautiful blond babies with sparkling blue eyes and flawless skin. I couldn’t offer her more than a minimum-wage life with occasional birthday trips to McDonald’s. I’d never forgive myself if I took her future away.
She turned to walk away and without a single thought I rushed her. My body pressed her slender figure to the crappy, rose-covered wallpaper of Finn’s mom’s room. Her eyes filled with anger and panic. She attempted to push me away and get free, but I grabbed her wrists and pinned her to the wall even harder. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew of her irrational fear of being held down, but she felt so fucking amazing and I’d been dreaming of feeling her this way for the last week.
It’s sad when you realize just being close to someone you love is enough. Not sex, not a dirty romp in my little single bed, just a moment of closeness—the feel of the rise and fall of her breathing against my chest, the puffs of heated breath as they struck my cheek and lips. It was enough when it came to Patience.