Playing to Win
Page 36
The whole team had played like shit, so he couldn’t even chalk it up to it just being him.
And they’d lost. By two f**king points. A blowout you just accept and move on. But to lose when the game was that close sucked.
Coupled with that, he hadn’t talked to Savannah in five days. He hadn’t seen her at practice, or at the game. They had even talked earlier about her making the drive over to see the game in Kansas City.
He’d tried to call her a few times but she wouldn’t return his calls or his text messages. And when he’d gone by her place, her car wasn’t there and she didn’t answer her door.
She was doing a damn good job of avoiding him, which made it hard to figure out what the f**k he’d done wrong.
So he was in a piss-poor mood when it came to media interviews after the game.
“Cole, does it feel like old times again to be on the losing end of a game?”
“Hey, Cole, do you take personal responsibility for losing this game today?”
“Riley, do you feel like the jinx is back again since you lost the game?”
“How about those three dropped passes today?”
He wanted to tell them all to f**k off, eat shit, and die. Instead, he bit his lip and answered their questions with honesty. He’d played a bad game and he felt like he’d let his team down, but he was going to work harder and do better next week. When they figured out he wasn’t going to take the bait, they moved on to pick on some other poor sucker who’d also had a lousy day.
At least he found a friendly face waiting for him outside the locker room.
Liz didn’t look very friendly, though.
“Yeah, I know,” he said as she walked with him down the tunnel. “I played like shit today.”
“It was one bad game. You’ll do better next week.”
“I will.”
She stopped, turned to him. “I want to talk to you about Savannah.”
“What about her? Is she okay?”
“She’s fine. But you’re an asshole.”
Okay, maybe she’d talked to Savannah and he could gain some insight into what the f**k was going on. “What did I do?”
“Come on. Let’s go get a drink. You have a couple hours before you have to leave.”
She took him to her car and drove him a couple blocks to a restaurant. They got a booth in the bar and ordered drinks.
“So you’ve talked to her?” he asked as soon as they got their drinks.
“What the hell’s the mater with you?” she asked.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I’m not supposed to be talking to you at all. I promised Savannah I wouldn’t. But it’s obvious you need some coaching in how to talk to women.”
He rolled his eyes. “Seems to me I was doing just fine without your help.”
“You asked her to move in with you.”
“She told you that?”
“Yes. And how did you ask her?”
He frowned. “What?”
“Did you tell her how you felt about her?”
“What? I don’t remember exactly what I said.”
“From what I gathered, it was like inviting one of your fraternity brothers to be your roomie.”
He stared at her. “It wasn’t like that at all.”
“Wasn’t it?” She stirred her drink. “Maybe you should think on it and reevaluate how you feel about her.”
“I know how I feel about her.”
“Really? How?”
“I—” He frowned again. “None of your goddamned business. That’s between me and Savannah.”
“Have you told her how you feel?”
“Well…” He thought on it, thought about what he’d said that night. About how they were compatible. How he liked her. He hadn’t been able to get the words out. Not about how he really felt about her. They’d stuck in his throat.
How that must have sounded to her. “Shit.”
“Exactly.”
“I thought she knew how I felt.”
“And she would know this, how?”
He dragged his fingers through his hair. “Fuck.”
“She told you about her childhood, didn’t she?”
“Yeah. And the thing that scares her the most is someone not being there for her. Someone not loving her.”
“Now you’re beginning to see the light. There may be hope for you yet, dumbass.”
He paid the bill and they got up to leave.
He went over to Liz and took her hand.
“Thanks. I needed to hear this. Now I have to find her and tell her how I feel. I love her, Liz.”
“Oh, you prick. You’re going to make me all teary-eyed, and I’m not wearing waterproof mascara.”
He laughed. “Sorry.”
“I’ll drive you back. Now go make it all better for your girl.”
TWENTY-TWO
SAVANNAH HAD PUT IT OFF LONG ENOUGH. SHE HAD never been a coward and she wasn’t going to be one now. She had to talk to Cole and tell him how she felt. He’d made the first move and had suggested they move in together. So he hadn’t given her the whole I-love-you hearts-and-flowers spiel. So what?
And what had she done? She’d focused on what he hadn’t done, instead of what he had done. He’d made an amazing step toward a committed relationship. She’d been the one to fumble the ball. She was supposed to be the one with the amazing communication skills. Instead of opening up and talking about things, she’d gotten all emotional, closed up, and thrown him out.
Now she had to fix it.
If he didn’t want to move forward with her after that, so be it. At least she would have put her cards on the table. She could walk away with a clear heart then.
She was going to invite him over tonight. She knew he had practice earlier today, but as far as she knew he had nothing on his schedule tonight.
She’d lain low for a week now, not answering his calls, too afraid to talk to him or see him, too afraid he might not feel the same way she did.
But she missed him. And she had to know. One way or the other, she had to know.
She picked up her phone, stared at it, formulated in her mind what she would say.
Failure wasn’t something she had much experience with, except on the other side, where she coached her clients. She’d coached many of them through failure, taught them to come out stronger because of it. To be on this side of it was humbling. It hurt to fail, made her want to curl up in a ball and not try again. She’d worked so hard her entire life to be a success, and she had been. She hadn’t stumbled—not even once. She’d set goals for herself and she’d met every one of them, because she was determined to go it on her own and never have to depend on anyone again.
But she had depended on someone—Cole. She’d put her heart in his hands and he’d disappointed her.
That’s what humans did. They tried, but they often disappointed those they loved the most. She’d learned that with her mother, which was why she’d spent her entire life avoiding putting her heart out there.
Cole would probably disappoint her again. Was she willing to take that risk? Could she live with the potential for heartbreak?
Or was she searching for a perfect man in her mind that simply didn’t exist?
That was too much pressure for any guy. Maybe it was time she accept him for who he was—an amazing man with flaws, just like she had flaws.
She took a deep breath. “You’re not a child anymore, Savannah. It’s time to grow up and take a chance on love.”
She raised her fingers to punch the buttons on her phone, then jumped when it buzzed in her hand.
It was Cole calling. She clicked the button. “Hello?”
“Hey. You answered.”
Guilt washed over her. “Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t before.”
“Are you home?”
Her stomach tightened. “Yes. Can you come over? I’d like to talk to you.”
“Actually, I’m right outside your door.”
“You are?” She hurried to the door and opened it. He was there, on her doorstep, looking so gorgeous and warm and human she wanted to throw herself into his arms and beg him to forget the conversation they’d had last week. Instead, she clicked off her phone. “So you are.”
“I’ve been here almost every day I was in town. Multiple times. You weren’t here. You didn’t answer the door.”
“I was out a lot at meetings. They’re assigning me a new client.”
“And you were avoiding me.”
That, too. “Come in.”
She shut the door behind him. He stood just inside, didn’t go into the living room, as if waiting for an invitation.
Well, this was awkward and uncomfortable.
“Have a seat, Cole.”
“Only if you sit with me.”
“Would you like something to drink?”
“No, I just want to talk to you.”
“All right.” She sat on the sofa, and he came over and sat next to her.
She swallowed, her throat dry. There were so many thoughts whirling through her mind, so many things she wanted to say, but they were jumbled up in her head. She should have written them down, made an outline so she could go through them step by step.
He took her hand. “I was a jerk.”
She lifted her head. “What?”
“Let me back up. When you first met me, I was a jerk. You changed me. You made me think differently, to learn to pause before I blurted out the first thing that came into my head, which was usually something that was all about me and how I felt and what I wanted. I learned from that, you know?”
She smiled at him. “Yes, I know. I’ve seen evidence of that over the past few months. You’ve done a wonderful job.”
“Thanks. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about, other than to thank you for being patient with me when I know I wasn’t easy to be around.”
“You weren’t as difficult as you’d like to think you were.”
“I took those lessons to heart. And along the way, I got used to having you in my life. You were the backbone of the person I became, the person I always wanted to be. And I guess I became complacent, always assuming you’d just be there, that you’d want to be with me.”
She did want to be with him. But this was his moment to talk, so she’d let him finish.
“What I said to you that night I asked you to move in with me—it was thoughtless. I wasn’t prepared to tell you how I really felt about you, and it came out all wrong. I knew I wanted you with me, but I choked.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know. You’ve worked with me on being clear in what I say, so the media doesn’t misinterpret me. And when it came down to the most important conversation I’ve ever had, I f**ked it all up.” He rubbed his finger over her thumb, distracting her. The sensation sent shivers up her arm. She fought hard to concentrate on what he was saying, but all she could think about was how much she’d missed his touch, being near him, and how much it hurt to be apart, to have this distance between them. And she needed him to know that.
“I love you, Savannah.”
That got her attention. Her gaze shot to his. “You do?”
“Yeah. Do you think I’d ask someone I wasn’t in love with to move in with me?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t know how you felt about me. You said you liked me, that we were compatible.”
He rubbed his temple. “Yeah, that. Like I said, I was being an asshole. I was scared. I’ve never told a woman I loved her before. And when it came time to say it, I dropped the ball. I’m sorry.”
She scooted closer to him and swept her hand across his jaw. “It’s okay. I didn’t handle it any better than you. I doubted how you felt about me and I got scared, too. So instead of telling you how I felt, I kicked you out. Instead of opening a dialogue between us, I ran and hid from you.”
He took her hand in his. “I’m in love with you. I don’t take those words lightly, Peaches. And with love comes commitment. I’ll always be here for you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m never going to leave you.”
The words sunk in. Her heart blossomed with such an outpouring of emotion she thought she might burst with it. And she realized he needed to hear it from her, too. “I love you, too, Cole. I’ve loved you for a while now. I’m ashamed to admit I was too afraid to tell you, because I didn’t know how you felt about me.”
His lips lifted. “Well, now you know. Can I say I’m damn happy to hear you say it? I was afraid you didn’t feel the same way, that I was going to tell you I loved you and you were going to pat me on the shoulder and say ‘that’s nice’ and that we’d always be friends.”
She laughed, then climbed on his lap. “I was hoping you knew how I felt.”
“I was hoping you knew how I felt.” Now it was his turn to laugh. “Christ, we’re such a mess. I think we need to work on our communication skills.”
“I think you’re right.”
“You’ve always been a good teacher. I’ll trust you to help me work on mine. I promise to tell you I love you every day.”
“And I’ll try harder to always tell you what I’m feeling. I admit I’m pretty good at telling others how to live their lives, but not so good at dealing with my own. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, so I’m going to need your help.”
“I’ll always be here to help you.”
She loved hearing that from him. And even better, she believed him, because he had always been there for her.
And they’d lost. By two f**king points. A blowout you just accept and move on. But to lose when the game was that close sucked.
Coupled with that, he hadn’t talked to Savannah in five days. He hadn’t seen her at practice, or at the game. They had even talked earlier about her making the drive over to see the game in Kansas City.
He’d tried to call her a few times but she wouldn’t return his calls or his text messages. And when he’d gone by her place, her car wasn’t there and she didn’t answer her door.
She was doing a damn good job of avoiding him, which made it hard to figure out what the f**k he’d done wrong.
So he was in a piss-poor mood when it came to media interviews after the game.
“Cole, does it feel like old times again to be on the losing end of a game?”
“Hey, Cole, do you take personal responsibility for losing this game today?”
“Riley, do you feel like the jinx is back again since you lost the game?”
“How about those three dropped passes today?”
He wanted to tell them all to f**k off, eat shit, and die. Instead, he bit his lip and answered their questions with honesty. He’d played a bad game and he felt like he’d let his team down, but he was going to work harder and do better next week. When they figured out he wasn’t going to take the bait, they moved on to pick on some other poor sucker who’d also had a lousy day.
At least he found a friendly face waiting for him outside the locker room.
Liz didn’t look very friendly, though.
“Yeah, I know,” he said as she walked with him down the tunnel. “I played like shit today.”
“It was one bad game. You’ll do better next week.”
“I will.”
She stopped, turned to him. “I want to talk to you about Savannah.”
“What about her? Is she okay?”
“She’s fine. But you’re an asshole.”
Okay, maybe she’d talked to Savannah and he could gain some insight into what the f**k was going on. “What did I do?”
“Come on. Let’s go get a drink. You have a couple hours before you have to leave.”
She took him to her car and drove him a couple blocks to a restaurant. They got a booth in the bar and ordered drinks.
“So you’ve talked to her?” he asked as soon as they got their drinks.
“What the hell’s the mater with you?” she asked.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I’m not supposed to be talking to you at all. I promised Savannah I wouldn’t. But it’s obvious you need some coaching in how to talk to women.”
He rolled his eyes. “Seems to me I was doing just fine without your help.”
“You asked her to move in with you.”
“She told you that?”
“Yes. And how did you ask her?”
He frowned. “What?”
“Did you tell her how you felt about her?”
“What? I don’t remember exactly what I said.”
“From what I gathered, it was like inviting one of your fraternity brothers to be your roomie.”
He stared at her. “It wasn’t like that at all.”
“Wasn’t it?” She stirred her drink. “Maybe you should think on it and reevaluate how you feel about her.”
“I know how I feel about her.”
“Really? How?”
“I—” He frowned again. “None of your goddamned business. That’s between me and Savannah.”
“Have you told her how you feel?”
“Well…” He thought on it, thought about what he’d said that night. About how they were compatible. How he liked her. He hadn’t been able to get the words out. Not about how he really felt about her. They’d stuck in his throat.
How that must have sounded to her. “Shit.”
“Exactly.”
“I thought she knew how I felt.”
“And she would know this, how?”
He dragged his fingers through his hair. “Fuck.”
“She told you about her childhood, didn’t she?”
“Yeah. And the thing that scares her the most is someone not being there for her. Someone not loving her.”
“Now you’re beginning to see the light. There may be hope for you yet, dumbass.”
He paid the bill and they got up to leave.
He went over to Liz and took her hand.
“Thanks. I needed to hear this. Now I have to find her and tell her how I feel. I love her, Liz.”
“Oh, you prick. You’re going to make me all teary-eyed, and I’m not wearing waterproof mascara.”
He laughed. “Sorry.”
“I’ll drive you back. Now go make it all better for your girl.”
TWENTY-TWO
SAVANNAH HAD PUT IT OFF LONG ENOUGH. SHE HAD never been a coward and she wasn’t going to be one now. She had to talk to Cole and tell him how she felt. He’d made the first move and had suggested they move in together. So he hadn’t given her the whole I-love-you hearts-and-flowers spiel. So what?
And what had she done? She’d focused on what he hadn’t done, instead of what he had done. He’d made an amazing step toward a committed relationship. She’d been the one to fumble the ball. She was supposed to be the one with the amazing communication skills. Instead of opening up and talking about things, she’d gotten all emotional, closed up, and thrown him out.
Now she had to fix it.
If he didn’t want to move forward with her after that, so be it. At least she would have put her cards on the table. She could walk away with a clear heart then.
She was going to invite him over tonight. She knew he had practice earlier today, but as far as she knew he had nothing on his schedule tonight.
She’d lain low for a week now, not answering his calls, too afraid to talk to him or see him, too afraid he might not feel the same way she did.
But she missed him. And she had to know. One way or the other, she had to know.
She picked up her phone, stared at it, formulated in her mind what she would say.
Failure wasn’t something she had much experience with, except on the other side, where she coached her clients. She’d coached many of them through failure, taught them to come out stronger because of it. To be on this side of it was humbling. It hurt to fail, made her want to curl up in a ball and not try again. She’d worked so hard her entire life to be a success, and she had been. She hadn’t stumbled—not even once. She’d set goals for herself and she’d met every one of them, because she was determined to go it on her own and never have to depend on anyone again.
But she had depended on someone—Cole. She’d put her heart in his hands and he’d disappointed her.
That’s what humans did. They tried, but they often disappointed those they loved the most. She’d learned that with her mother, which was why she’d spent her entire life avoiding putting her heart out there.
Cole would probably disappoint her again. Was she willing to take that risk? Could she live with the potential for heartbreak?
Or was she searching for a perfect man in her mind that simply didn’t exist?
That was too much pressure for any guy. Maybe it was time she accept him for who he was—an amazing man with flaws, just like she had flaws.
She took a deep breath. “You’re not a child anymore, Savannah. It’s time to grow up and take a chance on love.”
She raised her fingers to punch the buttons on her phone, then jumped when it buzzed in her hand.
It was Cole calling. She clicked the button. “Hello?”
“Hey. You answered.”
Guilt washed over her. “Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t before.”
“Are you home?”
Her stomach tightened. “Yes. Can you come over? I’d like to talk to you.”
“Actually, I’m right outside your door.”
“You are?” She hurried to the door and opened it. He was there, on her doorstep, looking so gorgeous and warm and human she wanted to throw herself into his arms and beg him to forget the conversation they’d had last week. Instead, she clicked off her phone. “So you are.”
“I’ve been here almost every day I was in town. Multiple times. You weren’t here. You didn’t answer the door.”
“I was out a lot at meetings. They’re assigning me a new client.”
“And you were avoiding me.”
That, too. “Come in.”
She shut the door behind him. He stood just inside, didn’t go into the living room, as if waiting for an invitation.
Well, this was awkward and uncomfortable.
“Have a seat, Cole.”
“Only if you sit with me.”
“Would you like something to drink?”
“No, I just want to talk to you.”
“All right.” She sat on the sofa, and he came over and sat next to her.
She swallowed, her throat dry. There were so many thoughts whirling through her mind, so many things she wanted to say, but they were jumbled up in her head. She should have written them down, made an outline so she could go through them step by step.
He took her hand. “I was a jerk.”
She lifted her head. “What?”
“Let me back up. When you first met me, I was a jerk. You changed me. You made me think differently, to learn to pause before I blurted out the first thing that came into my head, which was usually something that was all about me and how I felt and what I wanted. I learned from that, you know?”
She smiled at him. “Yes, I know. I’ve seen evidence of that over the past few months. You’ve done a wonderful job.”
“Thanks. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about, other than to thank you for being patient with me when I know I wasn’t easy to be around.”
“You weren’t as difficult as you’d like to think you were.”
“I took those lessons to heart. And along the way, I got used to having you in my life. You were the backbone of the person I became, the person I always wanted to be. And I guess I became complacent, always assuming you’d just be there, that you’d want to be with me.”
She did want to be with him. But this was his moment to talk, so she’d let him finish.
“What I said to you that night I asked you to move in with me—it was thoughtless. I wasn’t prepared to tell you how I really felt about you, and it came out all wrong. I knew I wanted you with me, but I choked.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know. You’ve worked with me on being clear in what I say, so the media doesn’t misinterpret me. And when it came down to the most important conversation I’ve ever had, I f**ked it all up.” He rubbed his finger over her thumb, distracting her. The sensation sent shivers up her arm. She fought hard to concentrate on what he was saying, but all she could think about was how much she’d missed his touch, being near him, and how much it hurt to be apart, to have this distance between them. And she needed him to know that.
“I love you, Savannah.”
That got her attention. Her gaze shot to his. “You do?”
“Yeah. Do you think I’d ask someone I wasn’t in love with to move in with me?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t know how you felt about me. You said you liked me, that we were compatible.”
He rubbed his temple. “Yeah, that. Like I said, I was being an asshole. I was scared. I’ve never told a woman I loved her before. And when it came time to say it, I dropped the ball. I’m sorry.”
She scooted closer to him and swept her hand across his jaw. “It’s okay. I didn’t handle it any better than you. I doubted how you felt about me and I got scared, too. So instead of telling you how I felt, I kicked you out. Instead of opening a dialogue between us, I ran and hid from you.”
He took her hand in his. “I’m in love with you. I don’t take those words lightly, Peaches. And with love comes commitment. I’ll always be here for you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m never going to leave you.”
The words sunk in. Her heart blossomed with such an outpouring of emotion she thought she might burst with it. And she realized he needed to hear it from her, too. “I love you, too, Cole. I’ve loved you for a while now. I’m ashamed to admit I was too afraid to tell you, because I didn’t know how you felt about me.”
His lips lifted. “Well, now you know. Can I say I’m damn happy to hear you say it? I was afraid you didn’t feel the same way, that I was going to tell you I loved you and you were going to pat me on the shoulder and say ‘that’s nice’ and that we’d always be friends.”
She laughed, then climbed on his lap. “I was hoping you knew how I felt.”
“I was hoping you knew how I felt.” Now it was his turn to laugh. “Christ, we’re such a mess. I think we need to work on our communication skills.”
“I think you’re right.”
“You’ve always been a good teacher. I’ll trust you to help me work on mine. I promise to tell you I love you every day.”
“And I’ll try harder to always tell you what I’m feeling. I admit I’m pretty good at telling others how to live their lives, but not so good at dealing with my own. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, so I’m going to need your help.”
“I’ll always be here to help you.”
She loved hearing that from him. And even better, she believed him, because he had always been there for her.
