Punk 57
Page 73
My eyes start to burn, and I suddenly want Ryen.
I need her. I’m scared, and I don’t know what to do right now.
I couldn’t get back what I needed from Falcon’s Well, but I’m not sure I care anymore.
But I don’t want to leave yet, either. I want Ryen, but I also feel like if I walked out now and left my father for good, Annie would truly be gone. Any semblance of the life we had before would be a memory.
I lower myself to the ottoman, watching him. His head is turned to the side, and I spy a pill bottle on the table.
I don’t have to look to know it’s Xanax. My dad’s kept it around for years, something to take the edge off when raising two kids by himself got stressful. Honestly, though, I think he started taking it because my mother left. He’d loved her, and she skipped out. No notes, no calls, no contact. She left her kids and never looked back.
I dealt with it, my father buried himself in his kids, work, and hobbies to not think about it, and Annie waited. She always seemed to think our mom would come back and want to see us eventually. She’d be ready for her.
I still feel my sister in this house. As if she’s going to walk in the door, sweaty and out of breath from exercising, and barking orders, reminding me that it was my night to cook dinner and telling Dad to throw the clothes in the dryer.
“I miss her, Dad,” I speak low and quiet, despair overtaking me. “She called me that night.”
I look up at him, wishing he was awake but also glad that he isn’t. He knew she’d called me, probably only a minute before she collapsed on the road, but he wouldn’t hear any more. He’d fly into a rage, because he knew this was my fault.
“I didn’t answer, because I was busy,” I continue. “I assumed it was something little. You know how she always got on my case for not washing my dishes or stealing her chips?” I smile to myself at the memories. “I thought it was something unimportant, and I’d just call her back in a minute, but I made a mistake.”
I let out a breath and close my eyes. If I’d answered…I might’ve gotten to her in time. I might’ve gotten an ambulance to her before it was too late.
“When I called back she wasn’t answering,” I say, more to myself, reliving the night in my head as tears build. “I still wake up, frightened out my mind, and for a moment I think that it was all a nightmare. I grab my phone, scared that I missed a call from her.”
I bury my head in my hands.
In the weeks that followed Annie’s death, my father and I either fought or ignored each other. He blamed me for not being there when she needed me. She’d called me, after all, not him.
And I blamed him, too. If he’d just stopped pushing her and convinced her that our mother was never coming back, she might not have been destroying her body to try to be the perfect student, the perfect athlete, the perfect kid… And then her poor body might not have given out on her on that dark, empty road.
If he hadn’t popped Xanax when it was convenient then maybe Annie would never have gotten the idea to put herself on amphetamines to give herself the boost to do more than she should handle and be perfect.
Annie was going to be great. She fought for what she wanted in life. So much wasted talent.
“Sometimes I wish it was me instead, too.” I look up, seeing him still asleep.
He’d said that to me one night when we’d gotten in each other’s face, and I’d been hurt, despite how I acted like I wasn’t. I knew he didn’t mean it, but I do know he’d be happier still having the one child of his he had a good relationship with.
With me, what does he have?
But I can’t let him go. Annie is in him, she’s in this house, and we’re her family. We have to stay that way.
“We’re never going to have a relationship like you and she had, but I’m here.”
I stand up and quietly start clearing off the cluttered table, heading to the kitchen to do the dishes.
“Hey,” Dane calls, and I look up, seeing him walk back out of the gate at the Cove and head toward me.
“I’ve been texting you,” he says.
“Yeah, I saw.” I slam the truck door and reach into the bed of the truck, taking out some boxes.
After cleaning the kitchen at home, I’d opened some windows to air the house out while I threw in a load of laundry, sorted through the mail, took out the garbage, and cleaned up my bedroom. Which is pretty impressive, because I never do that.
I’d covered my dad with a blanket, and hopefully, when I bring groceries home tomorrow, he will be okay with me being back.
I guess I’ll find out.
“I’ve been going over this song you gave me with the guys. We were up until three last night,” he tells me. “I think we really got something.”
I nod, not really that invested in that right now. My head is in a million other places. I still have no idea how I’m going to fess up to Ryen.
God, she’s going to kill me.
Dane walks with me as I head through the parking lot for the gate entrance. “What are you doing?” he asks. “Are you moving back?”
“I’ll be home soon,” I say. “I just have some stuff to clear up here first.”
“Do you need help?”
I jerk my head over my shoulder. “Go grab more boxes if you want.”
He runs back and collects the rest of the boxes I’d taken from my garage at home, and we walk through the old park.
I need her. I’m scared, and I don’t know what to do right now.
I couldn’t get back what I needed from Falcon’s Well, but I’m not sure I care anymore.
But I don’t want to leave yet, either. I want Ryen, but I also feel like if I walked out now and left my father for good, Annie would truly be gone. Any semblance of the life we had before would be a memory.
I lower myself to the ottoman, watching him. His head is turned to the side, and I spy a pill bottle on the table.
I don’t have to look to know it’s Xanax. My dad’s kept it around for years, something to take the edge off when raising two kids by himself got stressful. Honestly, though, I think he started taking it because my mother left. He’d loved her, and she skipped out. No notes, no calls, no contact. She left her kids and never looked back.
I dealt with it, my father buried himself in his kids, work, and hobbies to not think about it, and Annie waited. She always seemed to think our mom would come back and want to see us eventually. She’d be ready for her.
I still feel my sister in this house. As if she’s going to walk in the door, sweaty and out of breath from exercising, and barking orders, reminding me that it was my night to cook dinner and telling Dad to throw the clothes in the dryer.
“I miss her, Dad,” I speak low and quiet, despair overtaking me. “She called me that night.”
I look up at him, wishing he was awake but also glad that he isn’t. He knew she’d called me, probably only a minute before she collapsed on the road, but he wouldn’t hear any more. He’d fly into a rage, because he knew this was my fault.
“I didn’t answer, because I was busy,” I continue. “I assumed it was something little. You know how she always got on my case for not washing my dishes or stealing her chips?” I smile to myself at the memories. “I thought it was something unimportant, and I’d just call her back in a minute, but I made a mistake.”
I let out a breath and close my eyes. If I’d answered…I might’ve gotten to her in time. I might’ve gotten an ambulance to her before it was too late.
“When I called back she wasn’t answering,” I say, more to myself, reliving the night in my head as tears build. “I still wake up, frightened out my mind, and for a moment I think that it was all a nightmare. I grab my phone, scared that I missed a call from her.”
I bury my head in my hands.
In the weeks that followed Annie’s death, my father and I either fought or ignored each other. He blamed me for not being there when she needed me. She’d called me, after all, not him.
And I blamed him, too. If he’d just stopped pushing her and convinced her that our mother was never coming back, she might not have been destroying her body to try to be the perfect student, the perfect athlete, the perfect kid… And then her poor body might not have given out on her on that dark, empty road.
If he hadn’t popped Xanax when it was convenient then maybe Annie would never have gotten the idea to put herself on amphetamines to give herself the boost to do more than she should handle and be perfect.
Annie was going to be great. She fought for what she wanted in life. So much wasted talent.
“Sometimes I wish it was me instead, too.” I look up, seeing him still asleep.
He’d said that to me one night when we’d gotten in each other’s face, and I’d been hurt, despite how I acted like I wasn’t. I knew he didn’t mean it, but I do know he’d be happier still having the one child of his he had a good relationship with.
With me, what does he have?
But I can’t let him go. Annie is in him, she’s in this house, and we’re her family. We have to stay that way.
“We’re never going to have a relationship like you and she had, but I’m here.”
I stand up and quietly start clearing off the cluttered table, heading to the kitchen to do the dishes.
“Hey,” Dane calls, and I look up, seeing him walk back out of the gate at the Cove and head toward me.
“I’ve been texting you,” he says.
“Yeah, I saw.” I slam the truck door and reach into the bed of the truck, taking out some boxes.
After cleaning the kitchen at home, I’d opened some windows to air the house out while I threw in a load of laundry, sorted through the mail, took out the garbage, and cleaned up my bedroom. Which is pretty impressive, because I never do that.
I’d covered my dad with a blanket, and hopefully, when I bring groceries home tomorrow, he will be okay with me being back.
I guess I’ll find out.
“I’ve been going over this song you gave me with the guys. We were up until three last night,” he tells me. “I think we really got something.”
I nod, not really that invested in that right now. My head is in a million other places. I still have no idea how I’m going to fess up to Ryen.
God, she’s going to kill me.
Dane walks with me as I head through the parking lot for the gate entrance. “What are you doing?” he asks. “Are you moving back?”
“I’ll be home soon,” I say. “I just have some stuff to clear up here first.”
“Do you need help?”
I jerk my head over my shoulder. “Go grab more boxes if you want.”
He runs back and collects the rest of the boxes I’d taken from my garage at home, and we walk through the old park.
