Queen of Song and Souls
Page 83
He opened his mouth, then wisely shut it again. "I do not want to worry you unnecessarily."
"Silence when I know something's wrong worries me more."
He lowered his eyes. The thick black lashes formed shadows on his cheeks in the moonlight and shielded the lavender glow of his eyes. "We are at war, Ellysetta. Much can happen. I am the Tairen Soul. I will lead each battle, and the Eld will make me their primary target."
"And none of that is any different than it has been since we left the Fading Lands."
He sighed. "Something is different." He gazed out at the river. The crystals lining the riverbed refracted the silvery moonlight, making the water dance with pale rainbows. "I am different."
"How so?"
He bent to pluck an oval crystal from the bank and rolled the stone slowly between his fingers.
"Rain?" she prompted.
With a swift flick of his wrist, he sent the crystal skimming across the river's surface. Each time it touched the water, a splash of bright color lit up and rippled out in concentric rings. When the stone sank, he turned a somber gaze upon her. "The bond madness has begun."
For a moment, her heart stopped beating. Her mind emptied of all thought, leaving only a disorienting buzzing. The world itself seemed to freeze for several long moments. She swallowed and licked suddenly parched lips. "H-how can you be sure?"
“I am sure.”
"But how? What makes you think it?"
"The signs are beginning."
"What signs?”
"A moment ago, you heard my thoughts. I did not send them in Spirit, but you heard them nonetheless."
"Perhaps that's a sign of our bond becoming stronger."
"Nei. Our bond is strong—stronger now than it ever has been—but you cannot enter my mind at will until the union is complete. You heard my thoughts because I am losing the ability to keep them contained. It is one of the first effects of bond madness."
She frowned. "How can you be so sure that's what it is? Nothing else about me—about us—has followed Fey conventions. Why should this be any different?"
He smiled sadly. "I am sure. Each moment of the day, I make a conscious effort to keep from broadcasting my thoughts. I have been doing so since the first battle at Orest. If I stop..." He closed his eyes. And just like that his thoughts were in her mind. Not on Spirit, not backed by power, and not because she was making the effort to hear them. They were just there, as clearly as if he'd spoken them aloud.
The first sign of bond madness is a Fey's inability to keep his thoughts private. He broadcasts them. First in moments of weariness or vulnerability, but then more frequently, until he cannot stop what is in his mind from spilling out. The next sign is difficulty controlling his temper, so he is swift to Rage. Then comes loss of control over his magic.
She clasped her hands together to stop their shaking. "How long?" She could barely force out the question. "How long do you have?" She loved him. She loved him more than she ever knew she could love someone. More than she loved Mama and Papa and even more than she loved the twins. In their few short months together, he'd become the foundation of her existence, the Great Sun that shone light on her world. She could not even contemplate the thought of a life without him.
"Not long. A few months, if the gods are kind." Swaths of straight, silky black hair brushed his cheek as his head drooped. "The war and all the souls I still bear upon mine will speed the madness. You saw yourself how quick I was to Rage that night the Eld attacked. I've been testing my control of magic since then, too. If I don't focus enough, my weaves don't spin as they should." He looked up. "Bel suspects the truth, but I would rather none of the others know until I can no longer maintain my control."
She tried to assimilate what he was saying, while her mind worked frantically to think of a solution, or at least a way to slow the progression of his madness until they could complete their bond. "I could try to heal you—to heal your soul as I healed the rasa."
He shook his head. "Nei, shei'tani. My soul is yours to heal, but only through the completion of our bond."
"But Rain—"
He pressed fingers to her lips. "Shh. Las, shei'tani. Shei’tanitsa bars you access to my thoughts and to my soul until you accept me into yours. Even if it did not, I know what it cost you to heal the rasa. I bear more death on my soul than Gaelen did when he was dahl'reisen, and I remember what it did to you when, you touched him. Not even to save my own life could I allow you to go through that again."
"So you'd rather die than let me try? Rain!"
His jaw clenched in unyielding lines. "I would die a thousand times over before I let you suffer one-tenth of my torment— especially on my behalf."
"And what do you think I'll suffer when you're gone?" she cried. "I love you, Rain."
"And I love you, but there is only one cure for the bond madness. Without that, there is nothing to be done." He took her hands. "Let's not waste our time fighting a battle that cannot be won. Instead, let us concentrate on winning the one that can."
Ellysetta wanted to protest. She wanted to force Rain to let her at least try to heal him. But he was so certain it would not work—and so unwilling to risk hurting her—that she knew he would not be budged. She pulled out of his grip and stared blindly at the river.
"Silence when I know something's wrong worries me more."
He lowered his eyes. The thick black lashes formed shadows on his cheeks in the moonlight and shielded the lavender glow of his eyes. "We are at war, Ellysetta. Much can happen. I am the Tairen Soul. I will lead each battle, and the Eld will make me their primary target."
"And none of that is any different than it has been since we left the Fading Lands."
He sighed. "Something is different." He gazed out at the river. The crystals lining the riverbed refracted the silvery moonlight, making the water dance with pale rainbows. "I am different."
"How so?"
He bent to pluck an oval crystal from the bank and rolled the stone slowly between his fingers.
"Rain?" she prompted.
With a swift flick of his wrist, he sent the crystal skimming across the river's surface. Each time it touched the water, a splash of bright color lit up and rippled out in concentric rings. When the stone sank, he turned a somber gaze upon her. "The bond madness has begun."
For a moment, her heart stopped beating. Her mind emptied of all thought, leaving only a disorienting buzzing. The world itself seemed to freeze for several long moments. She swallowed and licked suddenly parched lips. "H-how can you be sure?"
“I am sure.”
"But how? What makes you think it?"
"The signs are beginning."
"What signs?”
"A moment ago, you heard my thoughts. I did not send them in Spirit, but you heard them nonetheless."
"Perhaps that's a sign of our bond becoming stronger."
"Nei. Our bond is strong—stronger now than it ever has been—but you cannot enter my mind at will until the union is complete. You heard my thoughts because I am losing the ability to keep them contained. It is one of the first effects of bond madness."
She frowned. "How can you be so sure that's what it is? Nothing else about me—about us—has followed Fey conventions. Why should this be any different?"
He smiled sadly. "I am sure. Each moment of the day, I make a conscious effort to keep from broadcasting my thoughts. I have been doing so since the first battle at Orest. If I stop..." He closed his eyes. And just like that his thoughts were in her mind. Not on Spirit, not backed by power, and not because she was making the effort to hear them. They were just there, as clearly as if he'd spoken them aloud.
The first sign of bond madness is a Fey's inability to keep his thoughts private. He broadcasts them. First in moments of weariness or vulnerability, but then more frequently, until he cannot stop what is in his mind from spilling out. The next sign is difficulty controlling his temper, so he is swift to Rage. Then comes loss of control over his magic.
She clasped her hands together to stop their shaking. "How long?" She could barely force out the question. "How long do you have?" She loved him. She loved him more than she ever knew she could love someone. More than she loved Mama and Papa and even more than she loved the twins. In their few short months together, he'd become the foundation of her existence, the Great Sun that shone light on her world. She could not even contemplate the thought of a life without him.
"Not long. A few months, if the gods are kind." Swaths of straight, silky black hair brushed his cheek as his head drooped. "The war and all the souls I still bear upon mine will speed the madness. You saw yourself how quick I was to Rage that night the Eld attacked. I've been testing my control of magic since then, too. If I don't focus enough, my weaves don't spin as they should." He looked up. "Bel suspects the truth, but I would rather none of the others know until I can no longer maintain my control."
She tried to assimilate what he was saying, while her mind worked frantically to think of a solution, or at least a way to slow the progression of his madness until they could complete their bond. "I could try to heal you—to heal your soul as I healed the rasa."
He shook his head. "Nei, shei'tani. My soul is yours to heal, but only through the completion of our bond."
"But Rain—"
He pressed fingers to her lips. "Shh. Las, shei'tani. Shei’tanitsa bars you access to my thoughts and to my soul until you accept me into yours. Even if it did not, I know what it cost you to heal the rasa. I bear more death on my soul than Gaelen did when he was dahl'reisen, and I remember what it did to you when, you touched him. Not even to save my own life could I allow you to go through that again."
"So you'd rather die than let me try? Rain!"
His jaw clenched in unyielding lines. "I would die a thousand times over before I let you suffer one-tenth of my torment— especially on my behalf."
"And what do you think I'll suffer when you're gone?" she cried. "I love you, Rain."
"And I love you, but there is only one cure for the bond madness. Without that, there is nothing to be done." He took her hands. "Let's not waste our time fighting a battle that cannot be won. Instead, let us concentrate on winning the one that can."
Ellysetta wanted to protest. She wanted to force Rain to let her at least try to heal him. But he was so certain it would not work—and so unwilling to risk hurting her—that she knew he would not be budged. She pulled out of his grip and stared blindly at the river.
