Rachel's Holiday
Page 105
‘Can you tell us your relationship to Rachel?’ Josephine asked Luke.
‘Boyfriend,’ he mumbled. ‘I mean, ex-boyfriend.’
‘So you were ideally placed to witness her addiction?’
‘Yeah.’
I took a crumb of comfort from Luke’s apparent reluctance.
‘A few weeks ago you took the trouble to fill out a questionnaire on Rachel’s addiction. Is it all right with you if I read it out to the group?’
Luke shrugged uncomfortably and I felt as if my stomach had flopped down to my toes.
Any time you like with the earthquake, God, I begged silently. It’s not too late.
But God, capricious creature that He was, was otherwise engaged. Visiting my earthquake on a remote area in China, where it benefited no one. When He could have been causing mayhem in County Wicklow and doing me a huge favour. I later discovered that the remote area was called the Wik Xla Province and felt a bit better. God hadn’t deserted me, he was just a bit deaf.
To my alarm Josephine produced sheaves of paper. It looked like Luke had written a book.
‘Right.’ Josephine cleared her throat. ‘The first question is “What drugs are you aware that Rachel uses?” and Luke has answered, “Cocaine, crack cocaine, ecstasy…” ’
I wanted to die, my disappointment was that bitter. There would be no mercy. Luke, my Luke, had undeniably turned on me. There had been hope right until that second, but now it was gone.
‘ “speed, hash, grass, magic mushrooms, acid, heroin…” ’
Someone gasped at the ‘heroin’ part. For God’s sake, I thought angrily. I’d only smoked it.
‘ “… Valium, Librium, prescription painkillers, antidepressants, sleeping tablets, appetite suppressants and any kind of alcohol.” ’
She paused and took a breath. ‘Luke has added a postscript to this. It says “If it’s a drug, Rachel will have taken it. She’s probably taken drugs that haven’t been invented yet.” An emotional response to a factual question, but I think we understand what you’re trying to say, Luke.’
My head had been bowed and my eyes clenched shut, but I looked up to see Josephine give Luke a warm smile.
It was like a nightmare. I couldn’t understand how I’d suddenly gone from a position of extreme power with Luke to having none whatsoever.
‘The next question is “Do you think Rachel abuses drugs?” and Luke has replied “Give me a break.” What does that mean, Luke?’
‘It means “yes”,’ he mumbled.
‘Thank you,’ Josephine said crisply.
‘The next question is “When do you think Rachel’s problem with drugs first began?” Luke has replied, “The dawn of time.” Would you care to elaborate, Luke.’
‘Yeah,’ he shifted uneasily. ‘I mean she had a habit long before I ever met her.’
How dare he use the word ‘habit’ about me, I thought, suddenly angry. As if I was a junkie.
‘So what were you doing with me then?’ I found myself screeching. ‘If I was that bad?’ Everyone in the room jumped, including me.
Luke rolled his eyes in a ‘For fuck’s sake’ way, as if I was a hysterical lunatic. I hated him.
‘Don’t worry, Rachel,’ Josephine smiled smoothly, ‘we’ll get to that. Next question: “When did you first realize that Rachel had a problem with drugs?” And Luke has replied – this is rather a long answer – “I always knew Rachel drank heavily and used cocaine…” ’
I raged at the barefaced dishonesty of it. This got worse. I did not drink heavily. The lying bastard, making me sound like Oliver Reed.
‘… “But I didn’t think it was that strange because everyone I know drinks socially and smokes spliffs. For a good while we only met at night so, although she was always pretty out of it, I thought it was just a social thing. Even so, I told her I’d love to see her straight. And she said it was just because she was shy with me. I believed her, I even thought it was cute.” ’
‘I was shy,’ I hissed furiously.
Josephine glared at me, then continued ‘ “But one time after she’d stayed over at my apartment there was a strong smell of booze from her in the morning. That was weird because she hadn’t had much to drink the night before. Although she’d done a lot of coke. After she’d gone home, my flatmate Joey accused me of drinking his bottle of JD…” ’
Josephine paused. ‘JD?’ she asked.
‘Jack Daniels,’ Luke supplied.
‘Thank you,’ said Josephine. ‘ “… which I hadn’t. But I couldn’t believe Rachel had drunk it, especially not first thing in the morning.” ’
Suddenly, my rage abated. I was mortified. I didn’t think anyone had noticed the dent I’d made in the whiskey I’d found in Luke’s kitchen that morning. I wouldn’t have touched it only I’d woken with an awful coke comedown. I’d been out of Valium and I’d needed something to take the edge off the horror and paranoia.
‘ “… And one morning after I’d left my apartment to go to work I had to come back. I’d forgotten I had to wake Joey because his clock radio was broken. I found Rachel doing a line of coke in bed. She’d taken it from Joey’s stash.”
‘So she’d stolen it?’ Josephine interrupted herself, looking up from the page to question Luke.
‘Yeah, she’d stolen it.’
I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I burned and cringed with shame. I hated being in the wrong. Worse again, I hated people knowing about it. Luke hadn’t said much to me that morning. Well, he’d shouted a fair bit, said he was worried about me and told me never to do it again. But I thought I’d got away with it, that he was so into me he’d decided he didn’t mind. I felt deeply betrayed that that wasn’t the case. And why did he have to tell everyone about it?
‘I started watching her after that and, once I knew what I was looking for, I saw things were bad. She was always on something. She was never straight.’
He stared right at me as he said that. My head swam. Luke and I belonged in New York. Happy, in love. Him being in the Cloisters, trashing me, was just too surreal, like seeing cows flying.
‘Boyfriend,’ he mumbled. ‘I mean, ex-boyfriend.’
‘So you were ideally placed to witness her addiction?’
‘Yeah.’
I took a crumb of comfort from Luke’s apparent reluctance.
‘A few weeks ago you took the trouble to fill out a questionnaire on Rachel’s addiction. Is it all right with you if I read it out to the group?’
Luke shrugged uncomfortably and I felt as if my stomach had flopped down to my toes.
Any time you like with the earthquake, God, I begged silently. It’s not too late.
But God, capricious creature that He was, was otherwise engaged. Visiting my earthquake on a remote area in China, where it benefited no one. When He could have been causing mayhem in County Wicklow and doing me a huge favour. I later discovered that the remote area was called the Wik Xla Province and felt a bit better. God hadn’t deserted me, he was just a bit deaf.
To my alarm Josephine produced sheaves of paper. It looked like Luke had written a book.
‘Right.’ Josephine cleared her throat. ‘The first question is “What drugs are you aware that Rachel uses?” and Luke has answered, “Cocaine, crack cocaine, ecstasy…” ’
I wanted to die, my disappointment was that bitter. There would be no mercy. Luke, my Luke, had undeniably turned on me. There had been hope right until that second, but now it was gone.
‘ “speed, hash, grass, magic mushrooms, acid, heroin…” ’
Someone gasped at the ‘heroin’ part. For God’s sake, I thought angrily. I’d only smoked it.
‘ “… Valium, Librium, prescription painkillers, antidepressants, sleeping tablets, appetite suppressants and any kind of alcohol.” ’
She paused and took a breath. ‘Luke has added a postscript to this. It says “If it’s a drug, Rachel will have taken it. She’s probably taken drugs that haven’t been invented yet.” An emotional response to a factual question, but I think we understand what you’re trying to say, Luke.’
My head had been bowed and my eyes clenched shut, but I looked up to see Josephine give Luke a warm smile.
It was like a nightmare. I couldn’t understand how I’d suddenly gone from a position of extreme power with Luke to having none whatsoever.
‘The next question is “Do you think Rachel abuses drugs?” and Luke has replied “Give me a break.” What does that mean, Luke?’
‘It means “yes”,’ he mumbled.
‘Thank you,’ Josephine said crisply.
‘The next question is “When do you think Rachel’s problem with drugs first began?” Luke has replied, “The dawn of time.” Would you care to elaborate, Luke.’
‘Yeah,’ he shifted uneasily. ‘I mean she had a habit long before I ever met her.’
How dare he use the word ‘habit’ about me, I thought, suddenly angry. As if I was a junkie.
‘So what were you doing with me then?’ I found myself screeching. ‘If I was that bad?’ Everyone in the room jumped, including me.
Luke rolled his eyes in a ‘For fuck’s sake’ way, as if I was a hysterical lunatic. I hated him.
‘Don’t worry, Rachel,’ Josephine smiled smoothly, ‘we’ll get to that. Next question: “When did you first realize that Rachel had a problem with drugs?” And Luke has replied – this is rather a long answer – “I always knew Rachel drank heavily and used cocaine…” ’
I raged at the barefaced dishonesty of it. This got worse. I did not drink heavily. The lying bastard, making me sound like Oliver Reed.
‘… “But I didn’t think it was that strange because everyone I know drinks socially and smokes spliffs. For a good while we only met at night so, although she was always pretty out of it, I thought it was just a social thing. Even so, I told her I’d love to see her straight. And she said it was just because she was shy with me. I believed her, I even thought it was cute.” ’
‘I was shy,’ I hissed furiously.
Josephine glared at me, then continued ‘ “But one time after she’d stayed over at my apartment there was a strong smell of booze from her in the morning. That was weird because she hadn’t had much to drink the night before. Although she’d done a lot of coke. After she’d gone home, my flatmate Joey accused me of drinking his bottle of JD…” ’
Josephine paused. ‘JD?’ she asked.
‘Jack Daniels,’ Luke supplied.
‘Thank you,’ said Josephine. ‘ “… which I hadn’t. But I couldn’t believe Rachel had drunk it, especially not first thing in the morning.” ’
Suddenly, my rage abated. I was mortified. I didn’t think anyone had noticed the dent I’d made in the whiskey I’d found in Luke’s kitchen that morning. I wouldn’t have touched it only I’d woken with an awful coke comedown. I’d been out of Valium and I’d needed something to take the edge off the horror and paranoia.
‘ “… And one morning after I’d left my apartment to go to work I had to come back. I’d forgotten I had to wake Joey because his clock radio was broken. I found Rachel doing a line of coke in bed. She’d taken it from Joey’s stash.”
‘So she’d stolen it?’ Josephine interrupted herself, looking up from the page to question Luke.
‘Yeah, she’d stolen it.’
I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I burned and cringed with shame. I hated being in the wrong. Worse again, I hated people knowing about it. Luke hadn’t said much to me that morning. Well, he’d shouted a fair bit, said he was worried about me and told me never to do it again. But I thought I’d got away with it, that he was so into me he’d decided he didn’t mind. I felt deeply betrayed that that wasn’t the case. And why did he have to tell everyone about it?
‘I started watching her after that and, once I knew what I was looking for, I saw things were bad. She was always on something. She was never straight.’
He stared right at me as he said that. My head swam. Luke and I belonged in New York. Happy, in love. Him being in the Cloisters, trashing me, was just too surreal, like seeing cows flying.
