Raging Star
Page 68
You was in this room with him, he says. In the bunker. Before you an me went together. That’s how you knew about the light. His eyes go to DeMalo. Then to me. You owe me the truth, he says.
It was when I believed you’d turned aginst us, I says. You was at Darktrees. You sent me back the heartstone. I didn’t unnerstand why, you know that. An then you took Emmi an Lugh warn’t there an—I was in a bad way. I fell, Jack. I didn’t wanna be caught, but he caught me. He was the only one there. He saved my life an—
I cain’t look at him.
Jack’s silent. You did ask how I’d feel if you’d bin with somebody else, he says. I had no idea you meant him.
It got very … complicated, I says.
I can only imagine, he says.
I’m jest about to say somethin. I dunno what. Maybe
I never loved him, I love you, always you, can you ever fergive me fer my lies an deceit
but a horde of people come rushin up the hill. Ash an Creed an Slim an Molly. An Tommo agin. An Cassie. There’s Webb an Ruth an their coppernob Nell. An Vain Ed the miller an JB, the very last Treedog. I’m grabbed by them an swept away down the hill in a wave of celebration an laughter. Come on, Jack! cries Molly. Come with us!
I look back but he’s already gone.
NEW EDEN
IT FELL APART SO QUICKLY. SO COMPLETELY. DEMALO’S New Eden. I was right. He did build it on fault lines. He was right. The story will be told fer generations to come. It jest won’t be the story he intended.
New Eden it will remain in name. But in spirit an body, it’s already startin to be somethin else. Somethin good an right an hopeful.
There’s much mournin to be done. Much healin that’s needed. Much atonement to be made fer grave wrongs. Much fergiveness to be granted from some bigger place within us. Fer many, it’s like bein wrenched from a dreamworld where they’ve long bin held captive. Such was the power of one man. His vision, his passion, his belief, his will.
The people of this New Eden will need courage an faith. They must be strong enough never to be followers agin. Healin the earth an all who share her is the work of many lives an it will take many lifetimes. DeMalo said that. He was right.
At the centre of New Eden will be a council of nine wise women. The first council they choose includes Mercy, Auriel, Molly an Ash. They’ve chosen well. They try to choose me, but I won’t be chosen. My warrior’s part is played out. The strength of New Eden, their future lies with them, the people. An them alone.
There’s a few here can read, Tommo among them. They’re startin to discover the secrets of the seedstore. That gift from the past to the future, which is now. I’m hopeful fer New Eden. Fer the earth an the sky. The water an the trees. The beasts an the people.
If I’m hopeful fer myself, I hope fer no more than this. That beyond the horizon, somewhere, someday, I can live with myself an what I’ve done. I cain’t ask fergiveness fer the highest of my sins. Them I’d beg it of are dead.
So I ain’t fer this land no more. I’m done here. I hafta move on. An keep movin.
I stand with Mercy as she burns her slave rags. A great pyre is built. All the slaves’ clothes are placed upon it an we all bear witness to the fire. Black smoke billows upwards an fades to the blue.
I say what needs sayin to them I love. To those I’ll carry always in my heart. I tell the truth, at last. All of what I did, to all of them, all together. None of it’s easy. I don’t come off well. I ask fergiveness from that bigger place within them.
Lugh’s part in this, I don’t say. I tell them he took Nero, in the hope I’d be frightened an give up. His care was only fer Emmi an me. Everythin he done was fer love of us, to keep us safe. That’s all they ever need to know.
I spend a long time with Tommo. Jest the two of us, alone. He tells me of his life before Ike. What he remembers of his years with his father. I tell him what good things I can of Seth. We talk of Lugh an Emmi. We talk of his feelins fer me. An of my deep care fer him. He tells me how he asked Creed fer advice on how to win me. By the end, he’s emptied his dark eyes of secrets. By the end, we’ve reached some kinda peace.
Then we go to the hilltop meadow where Seth lies. Tommo buried his father hisself. Jest him, with his own hands. That’s how he wanted it to be. Together we plant a young ash tree at the grave. Its roots will grow strong among his bones.
Molly seeks me out. It was Lugh that she lay with in the woods. How strange. How very strange. That them two should come together. He, who hated Jack, an she, who loves him. It started between them jest after Resurrection. Their hurt brought them together. They never spoke of Jack. It warn’t no great love match, but they cared sweetly fer each other.
I’m glad Lugh had Molly in his life. That he knew her light an her strength. She tells me of his tenderness to her. How it fell like balm upon her soul. I’m glad that she knew him to be kind an good. An I’m the first to be told her secret. She’s with child. Lugh’s child. He never knew. She never got the chance to tell him.
A tiny spark of hope lights within me.
When I’ve made my farewells an packed Hermes up, I do the one thing I’ve left until last.
I go to the twisted old oak where they lie. My golden heart, Lugh. An my Emmi. I loved her well. But too late.
The children of my mother an father. Dead an buried in the short days of the year. When the light fails early an things perish.
I’ve bin told an now I see it fer myself. Their cairns are covered with tributes. Posies of late flowers. Bunches of berries an autumn leaves. Grasses an ivies an polished stones. Beautiful things of the earth. I could wish they’d bin burnt on a pyre so their souls could rise free to the stars. But I know they’ll find their way there somehow. An it’s fittin that they be in the ground. Since they gave their lives fer this land.
I cain’t leave them here without me. We three must lie together, somehow.
I scrape a narrow pit between them. In it, I bury the Angel of Death. I lay my armour that never saw a fight. My metal-plate jerkin an armbands. An, obedient to the dream that’s haunted me so long, I put Auriel’s red shawl on top. I cover it with earth an pile stones above. Nero watches from the top of Lugh’s cairn.
Auriel’s voice comes from behind me. Her cool, clear voice, like a mountain stream. Every people need a place of visitation. Every people need a story, she says.
I git to my feet. They’ve all gathered quietly while I bin workin. Auriel. Mercy an Tracker. Molly. Ash. Creed. Slim. An Tommo. Tommo, of course.
A long time ago, says Auriel, when the land was sick an hope lay dyin there was twins born at midwinter. A girl, dark as the night. A boy, light as the day. An so it goes, she says with a smile. I can tell you, that cairn in the middle will soon rise high above the other two.
That ain’t a sight I wanna see, I says. It’s time fer me to go.
I cain’t look at their dear faces. I give Tracker a last kiss on his head. Then I go over to Hermes, sayin, No long goodbyes. We already said what needs sayin.
No fuss, we promise, says Slim. We knew you’d try to sneak off. We’re jest here to wave you on yer way.
I swing myself onto Hermes’ back. I steel myself to look at them. One long last time.
Ash is red-eyed from cryin. Gawdamnmit, Saba, she says.
Molly rests one hand on her belly where my brother’s child now grows. Creed stands next to her, a few foot away. Their bodies incline towards each other. Neether one of ’em realize.
It was when I believed you’d turned aginst us, I says. You was at Darktrees. You sent me back the heartstone. I didn’t unnerstand why, you know that. An then you took Emmi an Lugh warn’t there an—I was in a bad way. I fell, Jack. I didn’t wanna be caught, but he caught me. He was the only one there. He saved my life an—
I cain’t look at him.
Jack’s silent. You did ask how I’d feel if you’d bin with somebody else, he says. I had no idea you meant him.
It got very … complicated, I says.
I can only imagine, he says.
I’m jest about to say somethin. I dunno what. Maybe
I never loved him, I love you, always you, can you ever fergive me fer my lies an deceit
but a horde of people come rushin up the hill. Ash an Creed an Slim an Molly. An Tommo agin. An Cassie. There’s Webb an Ruth an their coppernob Nell. An Vain Ed the miller an JB, the very last Treedog. I’m grabbed by them an swept away down the hill in a wave of celebration an laughter. Come on, Jack! cries Molly. Come with us!
I look back but he’s already gone.
NEW EDEN
IT FELL APART SO QUICKLY. SO COMPLETELY. DEMALO’S New Eden. I was right. He did build it on fault lines. He was right. The story will be told fer generations to come. It jest won’t be the story he intended.
New Eden it will remain in name. But in spirit an body, it’s already startin to be somethin else. Somethin good an right an hopeful.
There’s much mournin to be done. Much healin that’s needed. Much atonement to be made fer grave wrongs. Much fergiveness to be granted from some bigger place within us. Fer many, it’s like bein wrenched from a dreamworld where they’ve long bin held captive. Such was the power of one man. His vision, his passion, his belief, his will.
The people of this New Eden will need courage an faith. They must be strong enough never to be followers agin. Healin the earth an all who share her is the work of many lives an it will take many lifetimes. DeMalo said that. He was right.
At the centre of New Eden will be a council of nine wise women. The first council they choose includes Mercy, Auriel, Molly an Ash. They’ve chosen well. They try to choose me, but I won’t be chosen. My warrior’s part is played out. The strength of New Eden, their future lies with them, the people. An them alone.
There’s a few here can read, Tommo among them. They’re startin to discover the secrets of the seedstore. That gift from the past to the future, which is now. I’m hopeful fer New Eden. Fer the earth an the sky. The water an the trees. The beasts an the people.
If I’m hopeful fer myself, I hope fer no more than this. That beyond the horizon, somewhere, someday, I can live with myself an what I’ve done. I cain’t ask fergiveness fer the highest of my sins. Them I’d beg it of are dead.
So I ain’t fer this land no more. I’m done here. I hafta move on. An keep movin.
I stand with Mercy as she burns her slave rags. A great pyre is built. All the slaves’ clothes are placed upon it an we all bear witness to the fire. Black smoke billows upwards an fades to the blue.
I say what needs sayin to them I love. To those I’ll carry always in my heart. I tell the truth, at last. All of what I did, to all of them, all together. None of it’s easy. I don’t come off well. I ask fergiveness from that bigger place within them.
Lugh’s part in this, I don’t say. I tell them he took Nero, in the hope I’d be frightened an give up. His care was only fer Emmi an me. Everythin he done was fer love of us, to keep us safe. That’s all they ever need to know.
I spend a long time with Tommo. Jest the two of us, alone. He tells me of his life before Ike. What he remembers of his years with his father. I tell him what good things I can of Seth. We talk of Lugh an Emmi. We talk of his feelins fer me. An of my deep care fer him. He tells me how he asked Creed fer advice on how to win me. By the end, he’s emptied his dark eyes of secrets. By the end, we’ve reached some kinda peace.
Then we go to the hilltop meadow where Seth lies. Tommo buried his father hisself. Jest him, with his own hands. That’s how he wanted it to be. Together we plant a young ash tree at the grave. Its roots will grow strong among his bones.
Molly seeks me out. It was Lugh that she lay with in the woods. How strange. How very strange. That them two should come together. He, who hated Jack, an she, who loves him. It started between them jest after Resurrection. Their hurt brought them together. They never spoke of Jack. It warn’t no great love match, but they cared sweetly fer each other.
I’m glad Lugh had Molly in his life. That he knew her light an her strength. She tells me of his tenderness to her. How it fell like balm upon her soul. I’m glad that she knew him to be kind an good. An I’m the first to be told her secret. She’s with child. Lugh’s child. He never knew. She never got the chance to tell him.
A tiny spark of hope lights within me.
When I’ve made my farewells an packed Hermes up, I do the one thing I’ve left until last.
I go to the twisted old oak where they lie. My golden heart, Lugh. An my Emmi. I loved her well. But too late.
The children of my mother an father. Dead an buried in the short days of the year. When the light fails early an things perish.
I’ve bin told an now I see it fer myself. Their cairns are covered with tributes. Posies of late flowers. Bunches of berries an autumn leaves. Grasses an ivies an polished stones. Beautiful things of the earth. I could wish they’d bin burnt on a pyre so their souls could rise free to the stars. But I know they’ll find their way there somehow. An it’s fittin that they be in the ground. Since they gave their lives fer this land.
I cain’t leave them here without me. We three must lie together, somehow.
I scrape a narrow pit between them. In it, I bury the Angel of Death. I lay my armour that never saw a fight. My metal-plate jerkin an armbands. An, obedient to the dream that’s haunted me so long, I put Auriel’s red shawl on top. I cover it with earth an pile stones above. Nero watches from the top of Lugh’s cairn.
Auriel’s voice comes from behind me. Her cool, clear voice, like a mountain stream. Every people need a place of visitation. Every people need a story, she says.
I git to my feet. They’ve all gathered quietly while I bin workin. Auriel. Mercy an Tracker. Molly. Ash. Creed. Slim. An Tommo. Tommo, of course.
A long time ago, says Auriel, when the land was sick an hope lay dyin there was twins born at midwinter. A girl, dark as the night. A boy, light as the day. An so it goes, she says with a smile. I can tell you, that cairn in the middle will soon rise high above the other two.
That ain’t a sight I wanna see, I says. It’s time fer me to go.
I cain’t look at their dear faces. I give Tracker a last kiss on his head. Then I go over to Hermes, sayin, No long goodbyes. We already said what needs sayin.
No fuss, we promise, says Slim. We knew you’d try to sneak off. We’re jest here to wave you on yer way.
I swing myself onto Hermes’ back. I steel myself to look at them. One long last time.
Ash is red-eyed from cryin. Gawdamnmit, Saba, she says.
Molly rests one hand on her belly where my brother’s child now grows. Creed stands next to her, a few foot away. Their bodies incline towards each other. Neether one of ’em realize.
