Reclaiming the Sand
Page 14
A power I was desperate to have.
But that had been a long time ago. And I was suddenly tired of these high school games. Teasing the poor Aspie kid didn’t hold the thrill it used to.
“Give him his keys, Stu,” I demanded. Dania narrowed her eyes as she looked at me, her hand rubbing her belly absently.
“He can get ‘em if he wants ‘em,” Stu responded shortly.
I walked over and bent down to pick up the keys. When I stood up I held them out, letting them dangle from my fingers. Flynn slowly reached out and took them, careful not to touch me.
He didn’t say anything. And of course he never looked at me.
I had expected nothing less.
“Come on,” I barked. Shane looked confused, Dania looked irritated, and Stu looked downright murderous.
I hadn’t mocked or teased. I hadn’t belittled or bullied.
And I hadn’t been sucked in by his quiet, vulnerable demeanor that resurrected twinges of emotion I hadn’t felt in years.
I turned my back.
I walked away.
I guess there was a first time for everything.
5
-Ellie-
This felt wrong. I didn’t belong here in my cheap flip-flops held together by Scotch tape and carrying the same backpack that I had in high school.
I stood in the parking lot arguing with myself. One minute I was convinced that this was stupid and I should go home. The next minute I was channeling my inner cheerleader, chanting you can do it over and over again inside my head.
I looked at my watch. I only had five minutes to find my class. It would be so easy to let those five minutes tick by and forget all about my crazy, delusional fantasies of becoming Super Ellie, College Student.
“You look lost.”
I startled and gripped the strap of my book bag tightly against my shoulder.
“Excuse me?” I said shortly.
A girl with fly away brown hair and the worst sunburn I had ever seen pointed toward campus.
“You goin’ that way?” she asked, pulling out a cellphone and tapping at the keys.
“Yeah, I guess I am,” I admitted.
“First day?” she asked.
Was it that obvious that I had no clue what I was doing? I drew myself upright; straightening my spine as I always did when going into a situation I was unsure of. Be it a raging house party where a police bust seemed imminent. Or walking into the break yard my first day at Spadardo’s Juvenile Center, just knowing I’d get my ass jumped before the day was out.
So walking onto the too-pretty-to-be-in-Wellsburg college campus should be a piece of cake. Only I wasn’t feeling so sure of that. And I knew it was better to put out a confidence that I didn’t feel. It established a precedent. It showed people you couldn’t be messed with. That you were strong.
Even if you were being deafened by the voice in your head screaming in terror.
But I had a lot of practice at ignoring that voice. And I struggled to do that now as I faced an experience that left me quaking in my tattered flip-flops.
“I can find my way,” I responded, not wanting or needing her help. I had to face this alone, or not at all.
Sunburn cocked her head and leveled her own steely gaze in my direction.
“I’m sure you can,” she mused before tucking her phone back into her pocket.
“But just so you know, classes aren’t usually held in the parking lot. You’ll need to go to an actual building,” she mused.
I should smack the shit out of her. If I weren’t feeling so off balance, I would have. Who the hell did she think she was?
So I ignored her and walked toward the campus quad. I pulled out the slip of paper with the name and location of the class I was supposed to be taking.
It was a basic 101 English Lit class. I had always loved to read. When I was in juvie, it had been my only escape. I practically lived in their tiny, cramped library.
I had never been a very good student when I was in school, but that hadn’t been an indication of my intelligence. It was because I had never bothered to try. School had been a place to pass the time. Somewhere I could count on at least one warm meal and didn’t have to worry about avoiding my foster dad’s overly feely hands.
School had been safety. Security. It had offered me a way out.
And I had hated it. Every single moment of my time there, I had fought against it. I had focused on the wrong things. The wrong people. And I had paid the price for it.
Maybe this time could be different.
Maybe this time I could be different.
I walked with my teeth clenched and my hands curled into fists at my side. Like a soldier heading to the battlefield, I was ready for anything. I headed straight for the Dunlop building where my class was held. I didn’t pay any attention to the groups of students congregated outside. I wasn’t there to chitchat and make friends.
Though the truth was, I wasn’t sure what I was there for.
Inside the classroom, I found a desk towards the back, and I headed straight for it. I hoped to blend in with the wallpaper and avoid attention. The class was mostly comprised of kids just out of high school. They were noisy and annoying and I felt my jaw tick already.
Had I mentioned I wasn’t a people person with some major anger issues?
The professor breezed in a few minutes later and dropped a pile of papers on his desk. He was nondescript as far as people go. Bland facial features beneath boring brown hair. Perfectly groomed beard and blah wire rimmed glasses.
He was appropriately named Professor Smith. An uninteresting name for an uninteresting man.
But that had been a long time ago. And I was suddenly tired of these high school games. Teasing the poor Aspie kid didn’t hold the thrill it used to.
“Give him his keys, Stu,” I demanded. Dania narrowed her eyes as she looked at me, her hand rubbing her belly absently.
“He can get ‘em if he wants ‘em,” Stu responded shortly.
I walked over and bent down to pick up the keys. When I stood up I held them out, letting them dangle from my fingers. Flynn slowly reached out and took them, careful not to touch me.
He didn’t say anything. And of course he never looked at me.
I had expected nothing less.
“Come on,” I barked. Shane looked confused, Dania looked irritated, and Stu looked downright murderous.
I hadn’t mocked or teased. I hadn’t belittled or bullied.
And I hadn’t been sucked in by his quiet, vulnerable demeanor that resurrected twinges of emotion I hadn’t felt in years.
I turned my back.
I walked away.
I guess there was a first time for everything.
5
-Ellie-
This felt wrong. I didn’t belong here in my cheap flip-flops held together by Scotch tape and carrying the same backpack that I had in high school.
I stood in the parking lot arguing with myself. One minute I was convinced that this was stupid and I should go home. The next minute I was channeling my inner cheerleader, chanting you can do it over and over again inside my head.
I looked at my watch. I only had five minutes to find my class. It would be so easy to let those five minutes tick by and forget all about my crazy, delusional fantasies of becoming Super Ellie, College Student.
“You look lost.”
I startled and gripped the strap of my book bag tightly against my shoulder.
“Excuse me?” I said shortly.
A girl with fly away brown hair and the worst sunburn I had ever seen pointed toward campus.
“You goin’ that way?” she asked, pulling out a cellphone and tapping at the keys.
“Yeah, I guess I am,” I admitted.
“First day?” she asked.
Was it that obvious that I had no clue what I was doing? I drew myself upright; straightening my spine as I always did when going into a situation I was unsure of. Be it a raging house party where a police bust seemed imminent. Or walking into the break yard my first day at Spadardo’s Juvenile Center, just knowing I’d get my ass jumped before the day was out.
So walking onto the too-pretty-to-be-in-Wellsburg college campus should be a piece of cake. Only I wasn’t feeling so sure of that. And I knew it was better to put out a confidence that I didn’t feel. It established a precedent. It showed people you couldn’t be messed with. That you were strong.
Even if you were being deafened by the voice in your head screaming in terror.
But I had a lot of practice at ignoring that voice. And I struggled to do that now as I faced an experience that left me quaking in my tattered flip-flops.
“I can find my way,” I responded, not wanting or needing her help. I had to face this alone, or not at all.
Sunburn cocked her head and leveled her own steely gaze in my direction.
“I’m sure you can,” she mused before tucking her phone back into her pocket.
“But just so you know, classes aren’t usually held in the parking lot. You’ll need to go to an actual building,” she mused.
I should smack the shit out of her. If I weren’t feeling so off balance, I would have. Who the hell did she think she was?
So I ignored her and walked toward the campus quad. I pulled out the slip of paper with the name and location of the class I was supposed to be taking.
It was a basic 101 English Lit class. I had always loved to read. When I was in juvie, it had been my only escape. I practically lived in their tiny, cramped library.
I had never been a very good student when I was in school, but that hadn’t been an indication of my intelligence. It was because I had never bothered to try. School had been a place to pass the time. Somewhere I could count on at least one warm meal and didn’t have to worry about avoiding my foster dad’s overly feely hands.
School had been safety. Security. It had offered me a way out.
And I had hated it. Every single moment of my time there, I had fought against it. I had focused on the wrong things. The wrong people. And I had paid the price for it.
Maybe this time could be different.
Maybe this time I could be different.
I walked with my teeth clenched and my hands curled into fists at my side. Like a soldier heading to the battlefield, I was ready for anything. I headed straight for the Dunlop building where my class was held. I didn’t pay any attention to the groups of students congregated outside. I wasn’t there to chitchat and make friends.
Though the truth was, I wasn’t sure what I was there for.
Inside the classroom, I found a desk towards the back, and I headed straight for it. I hoped to blend in with the wallpaper and avoid attention. The class was mostly comprised of kids just out of high school. They were noisy and annoying and I felt my jaw tick already.
Had I mentioned I wasn’t a people person with some major anger issues?
The professor breezed in a few minutes later and dropped a pile of papers on his desk. He was nondescript as far as people go. Bland facial features beneath boring brown hair. Perfectly groomed beard and blah wire rimmed glasses.
He was appropriately named Professor Smith. An uninteresting name for an uninteresting man.
