Reclaiming the Sand
Page 73
“I was an ignorant, selfish, and shallow person, Flynn. I hated myself so much that I didn’t know how to be kind to anyone,” I found myself saying, not sure he could understand the truth I had just revealed.
Flynn gnawed on his bottom lip. “You weren’t stupid. You were really smart. And you were nice sometimes,” he said as though trying to make me feel better, though I knew in reality he was only stating the facts as he saw them.
“I was mean to you a lot. I’m more sorry than you could ever know. You didn’t deserve that,” I said. I thought about the ways I had hurt him that he wasn’t even aware of. The heaviness of the truth weighed down on my shoulders and I knew I should tell him what I had done. The guilt threatened to eat me alive.
But I couldn’t. Not now. I was terrified he’d tell me to leave. That he’d never talk to me again. But I was just as terrified that he’d forgive me as he had done so many times before.
I wasn’t sure I could stomach that. I knew I hadn’t earned his forgiveness and I didn’t think I ever would.
Murphy poked his head up between the seats and sniffed my face. I scratched the back of his head. “I bought another Aqua Teen Hunger Force notebook. I still have it. It has a bunch of my drawings in it. It’s my favorite one. Maybe I could show it to you when we get back,” Flynn commented.
It took me several minutes to understand why he was telling me this. What was so significant about an Aqua Teen Hunger Force notebook?
Then I remembered.
I had gotten him an Aqua Teen Hunger Force notebook for his birthday. I didn’t have a whole lot of my own money back then. I had stolen money from my foster mom’s purse to buy it. She had slapped me in the face for that later and I remember having to wear heavy makeup to cover the bruise. But it had been worth it. I had been able to buy Flynn something for his birthday that I was certain he’d love.
And then I had given it to him. After that I had told him I wouldn’t be his friend anymore.
I had always been my own worse enemy. I could never let myself be happy. So I wrecked the only thing that I had ever felt excited about. Flynn and his friendship and watching him draw.
He had thrown the notebook I had taken a beating for into the stream and then he had run away. What he didn’t know was I had fished it out of the stream and taken it home, laying it across the radiator to dry.
After that I used it as a journal. It was the only thing I took with me to juvie.
I looked over at Flynn and knew how badly I had hurt him. I had hated myself for the way I treated him, even then. I had destroyed our friendship for what?
Because I didn’t want to admit how much I cared for the school freak?
Because I couldn’t trust my emotions around him? Because being numb was easier than feeling anything at all. Feelings brought pain and I had had enough pain for one lifetime.
Or was it because I was young and stupid and destined to push everyone away?
Every reason sucked because it had been a coward’s way out.
That had been a turning point for me. And not in a positive way. I had walked home from stomping on Flynn’s heart with a new layer of ice encasing me. I had hardened myself. Shut off and shut down. And that’s the way I had stayed until a few months ago when Flynn walked into JAC’s and back into my life.
And he had gotten another Aqua Teen Hunger Force notebook. I knew exactly what he was trying to tell me by revealing that.
Flynn couldn’t tell me he loved me. He couldn’t put into words the way he felt. But saying things like that told me everything I needed to know. That he cared about me. That he valued me. He valued us.
“I’d love to see it,” I said, my voice catching.
We were quiet for a long time after that, listening to the endless loop of The Cure’s Wish album. The two of us lost in memories that were too painful to share.
“Are you hungry?” Flynn asked a little while later. I noticed we were getting close to our first stop and Murphy was beginning to get antsy in the back seat.
“I could eat,” I said just as my stomach growled.
Flynn gave me a shy and gentle smile. “That was funny,” he said, his eyes twinkling.
We laughed together. Mine low and raspy. Flynn’s stilted and harsh. Sounds that didn’t seem to fit but somehow merged in a perfect fluidity.
Flynn pulled into the rest stop. It was relatively empty. I got out of the car and retrieved Murphy’s leash from the glove compartment. Flynn popped the trunk and pulled out a small cooler he had packed before we left.
We walked over to a picnic table situated in the middle of a small clump of trees. It was chilly and brusque but the air was refreshing.
“I’ll walk Murphy, you set out lunch,” I suggested. Flynn nodded and I wandered away with his dog, letting him do his business.
When Murphy was finished I walked back over to the table to find a sandwich, a bag of chips and a soda. I tied Murphy up to the leg of the bench and sat down.
“Thanks,” I said, picking up my sandwich and taking a bite. It was turkey and bacon, my favorite.
“You remembered,” I said.
“I remember everything about you. Even the stuff I wish I could forget,” he said simply and that popped my happy bubble with the weight of an age-old guilt. This time his honesty only served to remind me of the thousand ways I had failed him.
We sat in silence while we ate. When we were finished, Flynn made sure he collected every piece of trash and disposed of it. There was no time to sit and relax; it was back to the car. Flynn’s allotted time for lunch was over and we needed to get back on the road.
Flynn gnawed on his bottom lip. “You weren’t stupid. You were really smart. And you were nice sometimes,” he said as though trying to make me feel better, though I knew in reality he was only stating the facts as he saw them.
“I was mean to you a lot. I’m more sorry than you could ever know. You didn’t deserve that,” I said. I thought about the ways I had hurt him that he wasn’t even aware of. The heaviness of the truth weighed down on my shoulders and I knew I should tell him what I had done. The guilt threatened to eat me alive.
But I couldn’t. Not now. I was terrified he’d tell me to leave. That he’d never talk to me again. But I was just as terrified that he’d forgive me as he had done so many times before.
I wasn’t sure I could stomach that. I knew I hadn’t earned his forgiveness and I didn’t think I ever would.
Murphy poked his head up between the seats and sniffed my face. I scratched the back of his head. “I bought another Aqua Teen Hunger Force notebook. I still have it. It has a bunch of my drawings in it. It’s my favorite one. Maybe I could show it to you when we get back,” Flynn commented.
It took me several minutes to understand why he was telling me this. What was so significant about an Aqua Teen Hunger Force notebook?
Then I remembered.
I had gotten him an Aqua Teen Hunger Force notebook for his birthday. I didn’t have a whole lot of my own money back then. I had stolen money from my foster mom’s purse to buy it. She had slapped me in the face for that later and I remember having to wear heavy makeup to cover the bruise. But it had been worth it. I had been able to buy Flynn something for his birthday that I was certain he’d love.
And then I had given it to him. After that I had told him I wouldn’t be his friend anymore.
I had always been my own worse enemy. I could never let myself be happy. So I wrecked the only thing that I had ever felt excited about. Flynn and his friendship and watching him draw.
He had thrown the notebook I had taken a beating for into the stream and then he had run away. What he didn’t know was I had fished it out of the stream and taken it home, laying it across the radiator to dry.
After that I used it as a journal. It was the only thing I took with me to juvie.
I looked over at Flynn and knew how badly I had hurt him. I had hated myself for the way I treated him, even then. I had destroyed our friendship for what?
Because I didn’t want to admit how much I cared for the school freak?
Because I couldn’t trust my emotions around him? Because being numb was easier than feeling anything at all. Feelings brought pain and I had had enough pain for one lifetime.
Or was it because I was young and stupid and destined to push everyone away?
Every reason sucked because it had been a coward’s way out.
That had been a turning point for me. And not in a positive way. I had walked home from stomping on Flynn’s heart with a new layer of ice encasing me. I had hardened myself. Shut off and shut down. And that’s the way I had stayed until a few months ago when Flynn walked into JAC’s and back into my life.
And he had gotten another Aqua Teen Hunger Force notebook. I knew exactly what he was trying to tell me by revealing that.
Flynn couldn’t tell me he loved me. He couldn’t put into words the way he felt. But saying things like that told me everything I needed to know. That he cared about me. That he valued me. He valued us.
“I’d love to see it,” I said, my voice catching.
We were quiet for a long time after that, listening to the endless loop of The Cure’s Wish album. The two of us lost in memories that were too painful to share.
“Are you hungry?” Flynn asked a little while later. I noticed we were getting close to our first stop and Murphy was beginning to get antsy in the back seat.
“I could eat,” I said just as my stomach growled.
Flynn gave me a shy and gentle smile. “That was funny,” he said, his eyes twinkling.
We laughed together. Mine low and raspy. Flynn’s stilted and harsh. Sounds that didn’t seem to fit but somehow merged in a perfect fluidity.
Flynn pulled into the rest stop. It was relatively empty. I got out of the car and retrieved Murphy’s leash from the glove compartment. Flynn popped the trunk and pulled out a small cooler he had packed before we left.
We walked over to a picnic table situated in the middle of a small clump of trees. It was chilly and brusque but the air was refreshing.
“I’ll walk Murphy, you set out lunch,” I suggested. Flynn nodded and I wandered away with his dog, letting him do his business.
When Murphy was finished I walked back over to the table to find a sandwich, a bag of chips and a soda. I tied Murphy up to the leg of the bench and sat down.
“Thanks,” I said, picking up my sandwich and taking a bite. It was turkey and bacon, my favorite.
“You remembered,” I said.
“I remember everything about you. Even the stuff I wish I could forget,” he said simply and that popped my happy bubble with the weight of an age-old guilt. This time his honesty only served to remind me of the thousand ways I had failed him.
We sat in silence while we ate. When we were finished, Flynn made sure he collected every piece of trash and disposed of it. There was no time to sit and relax; it was back to the car. Flynn’s allotted time for lunch was over and we needed to get back on the road.
