Reclaiming the Sand
Page 96
I reached out and took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “I know this hurts, Dania. And you still have time to change your mind, you know,” I said.
“No, this is the right thing to do for Brandon. I won’t change my mind,” she said emphatically. I held her hand for a while and then she gave me a watery smile.
“The next step is to get out of your hair. I know I have to be driving you nuts. I need to get my own place and figure out what I’m going to do. And then I’m going to burn all of my pajamas. I never want to see them again,” she said and I laughed.
“I’ll build the fire,” I teased.
Dania smoothed down her hair. It was a relief to see her finally snapping out of her funk. And to see her coming out of it better than I had ever seen her before. Seeing her son had done something to her. It had changed her.
She picked up the pile of mail and started going through it. “What’s this?” she asked, holding up my acceptance letter. I reached out and tried to take it from her.
“It’s nothing,” I said but she pulled it out of my grasp.
“It doesn’t look like nothing, Ells. It says it’s from the College of Baltimore. And it says congratulations on the top. What is it?” she asked, frowning at me.
It was my turn to sigh deeply.
“I got accepted to go to school there,” I told her. Dania stared down at the letter, reading it.
“This says you’re eligible for financial assistance. That the government can help you pay for it. Is that right?” she asked, pointing at the words I had already read.
I shrugged. “I guess so. I’m just not sure I want to go.”
“And why not?” she demanded me, sounding angry.
“Why are we talking about this at all? Drop it!” I warned her.
Dania’s eyes flashed. I hadn’t seen her this worked up in a long time. The last few months she had been asleep. Now I was seeing her finally wake up back up.
“I will not f**king drop it! Don’t you dare use me as an excuse for you not doing what you want to do!” she hissed.
“I’m not blaming you,” I argued.
“The hell you’re not. You’ve been walking around on eggshells for months. Treating me like a god damned two-year old!”
“Because you’ve been acting like a damn two-year old! I couldn’t exactly leave you when you could barely get out of bed!” I yelled, getting angry.
“Well I’m telling you to leave! I don’t want your help! I certainly don’t need it! I’m going to get my shit sorted. So go off to your boyfriend, tell him you’re going to school and you’re leaving me and this shit hole behind!” she yelled back.
“Don’t tell me what to do!” I muttered petulantly, making Dania snort.
“You don’t need to stick around because of me. I’m not disabled. Ride off into your cherry f**king sunset. Live your fancy schmancy life, go to school, and be better than the rest of us. You know you want to.” Dania rolled her eyes.
And I knew what she was doing.
She was giving me her blessing. Even if she being the biggest bitch on the planet in order to do it.
“Fine! I will!” I huffed, going along, knowing this made it easier for Dania to let me go.
“Good, because I’m sick of living with you. I need my own space,” Dania grabbed the bowls off the coffee table and stomped into the kitchen. I heard a crash as she slammed them into the sink.
Dania’s unexpected encouragement had renewed my hope. And she was right. I was using her as an excuse because I was scared. Isn’t that what it always came back to? My fear?
With the threads tying me here loosening and letting me go, I knew there was someone I still had to see. Someone who I had let down and disappointed but was the only person I wanted to share this accomplishment with, in spite of everything. I didn’t even know if he would see me. He may yell at me and tell me to leave.
But I needed to see Flynn. Because of anyone, I knew he had wanted this to me almost more than I had wanted it myself.
I picked up my acceptance letter and folded it up, putting it in my pocket. I poked my head into the kitchen. Dania was scrubbing the dishes, using a bit more force than was necessary.
“Hey,” I called out. Dania didn’t turn around, but she stopped her vicious scrubbing.
“I’m heading out. But…thanks,” I said and left the kitchen, hoping she knew exactly what I was thanking her for.
I was thanking her for being the friend I needed her to be.
“You’re welcome,” I heard Dania say softly as I walked out the door.
33
-Ellie-
The drive to Flynn’s house felt longer than normal. It had been months since he had come into JAC’s and had screamed at me to leave him alone. I thought a lot about the look on his face and it would cut me each and every time.
His pain and anger had forced me to keep my distance. I thought it was the right thing to do. I had been wrong. I should never have let a single day pass without seeing him.
I was an idiot.
An idiot who wasn’t sure I’d be able to repair the damage caused by my pride and urge to self-destruct.
Spring was in the air and heading up the long drive way to Flynn’s house I could see the blossoms on the apple tree and the daffodils lining the side of the road.
I saw Flynn’s car and knew he was home. My palms were slick on the steering wheel as I parked. I sat in the driver’s seat for a long time, trying to think of exactly what I came here to say.
“No, this is the right thing to do for Brandon. I won’t change my mind,” she said emphatically. I held her hand for a while and then she gave me a watery smile.
“The next step is to get out of your hair. I know I have to be driving you nuts. I need to get my own place and figure out what I’m going to do. And then I’m going to burn all of my pajamas. I never want to see them again,” she said and I laughed.
“I’ll build the fire,” I teased.
Dania smoothed down her hair. It was a relief to see her finally snapping out of her funk. And to see her coming out of it better than I had ever seen her before. Seeing her son had done something to her. It had changed her.
She picked up the pile of mail and started going through it. “What’s this?” she asked, holding up my acceptance letter. I reached out and tried to take it from her.
“It’s nothing,” I said but she pulled it out of my grasp.
“It doesn’t look like nothing, Ells. It says it’s from the College of Baltimore. And it says congratulations on the top. What is it?” she asked, frowning at me.
It was my turn to sigh deeply.
“I got accepted to go to school there,” I told her. Dania stared down at the letter, reading it.
“This says you’re eligible for financial assistance. That the government can help you pay for it. Is that right?” she asked, pointing at the words I had already read.
I shrugged. “I guess so. I’m just not sure I want to go.”
“And why not?” she demanded me, sounding angry.
“Why are we talking about this at all? Drop it!” I warned her.
Dania’s eyes flashed. I hadn’t seen her this worked up in a long time. The last few months she had been asleep. Now I was seeing her finally wake up back up.
“I will not f**king drop it! Don’t you dare use me as an excuse for you not doing what you want to do!” she hissed.
“I’m not blaming you,” I argued.
“The hell you’re not. You’ve been walking around on eggshells for months. Treating me like a god damned two-year old!”
“Because you’ve been acting like a damn two-year old! I couldn’t exactly leave you when you could barely get out of bed!” I yelled, getting angry.
“Well I’m telling you to leave! I don’t want your help! I certainly don’t need it! I’m going to get my shit sorted. So go off to your boyfriend, tell him you’re going to school and you’re leaving me and this shit hole behind!” she yelled back.
“Don’t tell me what to do!” I muttered petulantly, making Dania snort.
“You don’t need to stick around because of me. I’m not disabled. Ride off into your cherry f**king sunset. Live your fancy schmancy life, go to school, and be better than the rest of us. You know you want to.” Dania rolled her eyes.
And I knew what she was doing.
She was giving me her blessing. Even if she being the biggest bitch on the planet in order to do it.
“Fine! I will!” I huffed, going along, knowing this made it easier for Dania to let me go.
“Good, because I’m sick of living with you. I need my own space,” Dania grabbed the bowls off the coffee table and stomped into the kitchen. I heard a crash as she slammed them into the sink.
Dania’s unexpected encouragement had renewed my hope. And she was right. I was using her as an excuse because I was scared. Isn’t that what it always came back to? My fear?
With the threads tying me here loosening and letting me go, I knew there was someone I still had to see. Someone who I had let down and disappointed but was the only person I wanted to share this accomplishment with, in spite of everything. I didn’t even know if he would see me. He may yell at me and tell me to leave.
But I needed to see Flynn. Because of anyone, I knew he had wanted this to me almost more than I had wanted it myself.
I picked up my acceptance letter and folded it up, putting it in my pocket. I poked my head into the kitchen. Dania was scrubbing the dishes, using a bit more force than was necessary.
“Hey,” I called out. Dania didn’t turn around, but she stopped her vicious scrubbing.
“I’m heading out. But…thanks,” I said and left the kitchen, hoping she knew exactly what I was thanking her for.
I was thanking her for being the friend I needed her to be.
“You’re welcome,” I heard Dania say softly as I walked out the door.
33
-Ellie-
The drive to Flynn’s house felt longer than normal. It had been months since he had come into JAC’s and had screamed at me to leave him alone. I thought a lot about the look on his face and it would cut me each and every time.
His pain and anger had forced me to keep my distance. I thought it was the right thing to do. I had been wrong. I should never have let a single day pass without seeing him.
I was an idiot.
An idiot who wasn’t sure I’d be able to repair the damage caused by my pride and urge to self-destruct.
Spring was in the air and heading up the long drive way to Flynn’s house I could see the blossoms on the apple tree and the daffodils lining the side of the road.
I saw Flynn’s car and knew he was home. My palms were slick on the steering wheel as I parked. I sat in the driver’s seat for a long time, trying to think of exactly what I came here to say.
