Release Me
Page 43
Or maybe I just want him to truly know me.
I don’t know, and I don’t want to wallow in self-analysis. I just want to say the words. “My mother had me competing in pageants from the time I was four,” I say. “She was strict about a lot of things, but the one we battled the most on was me getting my beauty sleep.”
“What did she do?” he asks. His voice is gentle, but clipped, as if he’s holding on tight to control.
“At first, she just told me lights out at whatever time she set for my bedtime. Always at least two hours before my friends. I was never tired, so I’d go to bed, turn out the lights, then pull out a flashlight and play with my stuffed animals. When I got older, I’d read. She caught me one too many times.”
He doesn’t say anything, but I can feel the heaviness in the air between us. He’s anticipating my next words.
“She started searching my room. Taking away my flashlight. Then she moved my bedroom to an interior room so that I didn’t have a window, because there was some light that crept in from a streetlamp, and she’d read somewhere that you can only truly sleep well if you’re in pitch-black.” I lick my lips. “And then she put a lock on my door. From the outside. And had an electrician move the light switch to the outside, too.” I’m damp with sweat, wondering if I should have started talking about it, because even though the sky is bright outside the windows, the darkness feels like it’s pressing in around me.
“Your father did nothing?” The anger in Stark’s voice is palpable.
“I don’t know my dad. They divorced when I was a baby. He lives somewhere in Europe now. I almost told my grandfather once, but I never quite worked up the courage before he died.”
“That horrific bitch.” He spits out the word, and though I completely agree, I can feel social niceties rising to my lips, as if I have to find excuses for my mother.
I tamp them down. “My sister tried to help.” I smile as I remember the way Ashley used to shine a light under the crack in my door and read me stories until I got sleepy. At least until our mother found out.
“She didn’t have to have her beauty sleep, too?”
“She didn’t win enough, so my mom eventually quit entering her in pageants.” The freedom had given Ashley time. It had given her back her life. I had adored my big sister, who’d always been my guardian angel, but I’d been incredibly jealous, too. I used to think she was the lucky one.
And then she’d killed herself.
I shiver. “I really don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I say.
He doesn’t acknowledge my words, but after a moment he speaks again. “I thought I knew a bit about photography, but I guess I know less than I thought. I always assumed some light was allowed in.”
I glance sideways at him, grateful for his discretion. He’s stepped away from my personal issues with the dark, but kept the thread of our original conversation. “At a certain point in the process, yes,” I say, letting my fears and memories fade under the weight of a subject I love. “And a red or amber safelight is common when making black and white prints because most of the papers are sensitive only to blue or blue-green light. But if you’re working with color like I usually do, then the prints need to be kept in total darkness until they’re properly fixed.”
I shrug. “It’s really not a big deal. Access to a darkroom is expensive and doing your own developing eats up a lot of time. One of these days I’ll get a digital camera, but in the meantime, I send my film out and get back a contact sheet along with all the pictures on disk. Then I sit down and play with the images in my native environment.”
“The computer?” he asks, grinning.
“Ever since I got my first one at age ten,” I confirm. I don’t tell him that the computer was my escape. I could turn it on and tell my mother I was doing homework, then lose myself in games and later in writing my own code. For a week or so, I’d even used the screen as a nightlight, but my mother caught on. My mother never missed a thing.
“Doing photographic work on the computer is like holding magic in your hand,” I say. “I mean, I could take a picture of you and then find stock footage of the surface of the moon and make it look like you’re standing in space.” I grin wickedly. “Or I could put your head on the body of monkey.”
“I’m not sure that would show me off to my best advantage.”
I have to agree. “No, it wouldn’t.”
“That’s one of the apps you have for sale, isn’t it?” he asks.
I blink, surprised he knows about that. I’ve designed, coded, and am selling three smartphone apps across various platforms. I designed them while I was at UT, though not for any particular class. Turns out there’s actually a market for apps that allow you to paste a headshot onto a provided stock animal photo, then share the new image across various social media.
“How did you know about that?” I ask. That app is reasonably popular, but it’s not bringing in so much money that it would be on Stark’s radar.
“I make it a point to know everything I can about the things I care about.” He’s looking at me as he speaks, and there’s no mistaking that he means me and not the app. I don’t know why I’m surprised. Damien never misses a thing, either.
I smile, feeling flattered but also exposed. I can’t help but wonder what other things he knows about me. How deep has he looked? Considering the resources at Damien Stark’s disposal, he could have looked pretty damn deep, and that truism gives me pause.
If he notices my mood this time, he ignores it. “I’ve always thought of science as magic, too,” he says, returning to the thread of our conversation. “Though not just computer science.”
“I was pretty impressed with your questions during the pitch,” I say. His questions had covered the technical aspects of the software design as well as the anatomical components, reflecting an understanding of both tech and basic anatomy. “What did you study in college?”
“I didn’t go to college,” he says. “For that matter, I didn’t go to school. I had private tutors from the time I was ten. My coach insisted, and my father agreed.”
An unfamiliar edge sharpens his voice, and although I want to know more, it’s clear I’ve stumbled upon a sore subject. “So, do you know much about photography?” I ask, grappling for a shift in the conversation. I remember the photos in his reception area. “Did you take the pictures outside your office?”
“I know just enough to be dangerous,” he says lightly, and I’m glad of the change in mood. “And no. I tried to find photos that represent my hobbies. Those are done by a local photographer. He has a studio in Santa Monica, actually.”
“He’s very skilled. His use of contrast and perspective is stunning.”
“I agree, and I’m flattered you thought I might be the photographer.”
I shift in my seat to look at him better. “Well, you are a remarkably talented man. And very full of surprises.”
His decadent grin is pure Damien, promising more surprises to come, and I feel an answering tingle between my thighs.
I drop my eyes and clear my throat. “Your hobbies, huh? So there were photographs of the ocean, some mountains, redwoods, and a bike tire. I’m guessing sailing, skiing, I have no idea, and biking.”
I don’t know, and I don’t want to wallow in self-analysis. I just want to say the words. “My mother had me competing in pageants from the time I was four,” I say. “She was strict about a lot of things, but the one we battled the most on was me getting my beauty sleep.”
“What did she do?” he asks. His voice is gentle, but clipped, as if he’s holding on tight to control.
“At first, she just told me lights out at whatever time she set for my bedtime. Always at least two hours before my friends. I was never tired, so I’d go to bed, turn out the lights, then pull out a flashlight and play with my stuffed animals. When I got older, I’d read. She caught me one too many times.”
He doesn’t say anything, but I can feel the heaviness in the air between us. He’s anticipating my next words.
“She started searching my room. Taking away my flashlight. Then she moved my bedroom to an interior room so that I didn’t have a window, because there was some light that crept in from a streetlamp, and she’d read somewhere that you can only truly sleep well if you’re in pitch-black.” I lick my lips. “And then she put a lock on my door. From the outside. And had an electrician move the light switch to the outside, too.” I’m damp with sweat, wondering if I should have started talking about it, because even though the sky is bright outside the windows, the darkness feels like it’s pressing in around me.
“Your father did nothing?” The anger in Stark’s voice is palpable.
“I don’t know my dad. They divorced when I was a baby. He lives somewhere in Europe now. I almost told my grandfather once, but I never quite worked up the courage before he died.”
“That horrific bitch.” He spits out the word, and though I completely agree, I can feel social niceties rising to my lips, as if I have to find excuses for my mother.
I tamp them down. “My sister tried to help.” I smile as I remember the way Ashley used to shine a light under the crack in my door and read me stories until I got sleepy. At least until our mother found out.
“She didn’t have to have her beauty sleep, too?”
“She didn’t win enough, so my mom eventually quit entering her in pageants.” The freedom had given Ashley time. It had given her back her life. I had adored my big sister, who’d always been my guardian angel, but I’d been incredibly jealous, too. I used to think she was the lucky one.
And then she’d killed herself.
I shiver. “I really don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I say.
He doesn’t acknowledge my words, but after a moment he speaks again. “I thought I knew a bit about photography, but I guess I know less than I thought. I always assumed some light was allowed in.”
I glance sideways at him, grateful for his discretion. He’s stepped away from my personal issues with the dark, but kept the thread of our original conversation. “At a certain point in the process, yes,” I say, letting my fears and memories fade under the weight of a subject I love. “And a red or amber safelight is common when making black and white prints because most of the papers are sensitive only to blue or blue-green light. But if you’re working with color like I usually do, then the prints need to be kept in total darkness until they’re properly fixed.”
I shrug. “It’s really not a big deal. Access to a darkroom is expensive and doing your own developing eats up a lot of time. One of these days I’ll get a digital camera, but in the meantime, I send my film out and get back a contact sheet along with all the pictures on disk. Then I sit down and play with the images in my native environment.”
“The computer?” he asks, grinning.
“Ever since I got my first one at age ten,” I confirm. I don’t tell him that the computer was my escape. I could turn it on and tell my mother I was doing homework, then lose myself in games and later in writing my own code. For a week or so, I’d even used the screen as a nightlight, but my mother caught on. My mother never missed a thing.
“Doing photographic work on the computer is like holding magic in your hand,” I say. “I mean, I could take a picture of you and then find stock footage of the surface of the moon and make it look like you’re standing in space.” I grin wickedly. “Or I could put your head on the body of monkey.”
“I’m not sure that would show me off to my best advantage.”
I have to agree. “No, it wouldn’t.”
“That’s one of the apps you have for sale, isn’t it?” he asks.
I blink, surprised he knows about that. I’ve designed, coded, and am selling three smartphone apps across various platforms. I designed them while I was at UT, though not for any particular class. Turns out there’s actually a market for apps that allow you to paste a headshot onto a provided stock animal photo, then share the new image across various social media.
“How did you know about that?” I ask. That app is reasonably popular, but it’s not bringing in so much money that it would be on Stark’s radar.
“I make it a point to know everything I can about the things I care about.” He’s looking at me as he speaks, and there’s no mistaking that he means me and not the app. I don’t know why I’m surprised. Damien never misses a thing, either.
I smile, feeling flattered but also exposed. I can’t help but wonder what other things he knows about me. How deep has he looked? Considering the resources at Damien Stark’s disposal, he could have looked pretty damn deep, and that truism gives me pause.
If he notices my mood this time, he ignores it. “I’ve always thought of science as magic, too,” he says, returning to the thread of our conversation. “Though not just computer science.”
“I was pretty impressed with your questions during the pitch,” I say. His questions had covered the technical aspects of the software design as well as the anatomical components, reflecting an understanding of both tech and basic anatomy. “What did you study in college?”
“I didn’t go to college,” he says. “For that matter, I didn’t go to school. I had private tutors from the time I was ten. My coach insisted, and my father agreed.”
An unfamiliar edge sharpens his voice, and although I want to know more, it’s clear I’ve stumbled upon a sore subject. “So, do you know much about photography?” I ask, grappling for a shift in the conversation. I remember the photos in his reception area. “Did you take the pictures outside your office?”
“I know just enough to be dangerous,” he says lightly, and I’m glad of the change in mood. “And no. I tried to find photos that represent my hobbies. Those are done by a local photographer. He has a studio in Santa Monica, actually.”
“He’s very skilled. His use of contrast and perspective is stunning.”
“I agree, and I’m flattered you thought I might be the photographer.”
I shift in my seat to look at him better. “Well, you are a remarkably talented man. And very full of surprises.”
His decadent grin is pure Damien, promising more surprises to come, and I feel an answering tingle between my thighs.
I drop my eyes and clear my throat. “Your hobbies, huh? So there were photographs of the ocean, some mountains, redwoods, and a bike tire. I’m guessing sailing, skiing, I have no idea, and biking.”
