Remember Me?
Page 89
I love my little sister. “Right,” I say in a businesslike way. “Well, I must get on. Clare, could you finish this up, please?” I thrust the voucher at her. “It is Jude Law!” I can hear Amy insisting. “I just saw him kissing Sienna! We should call OK! magazine!” “She hasn't remembered a bloody thing!” Byron is saying furiously, trying to make his voice heard. “This is all a bloody act!” “I need to go to my meeting with Simon. Get back to work.“ I swivel on my heel in my best scary-?Lexi manner and walk rapidly out of the office before he can reply. The door of Simon Johnson's office is closed as I arrive upstairs, and Natasha gestures to me to take a seat. I sink down onto the sofa, still a bit shaky from Byron's nearconfrontation. ”Are you both seeing Simon Johnson?“ she says in surprise, looking at Fi. ”No. Fi's just here...“ I can't say, ”As moral support.“ ”Lexi needed to consult me on a sales document,“ Fi says smoothly, and raises her eyebrows at Natasha. ”She really is back to her old self.“ ”Understood.“ Natasha raises her own eyebrows back. A moment later the phone rings and Natasha listens for a moment. ”All right, Simon,“ she says at length. ”I'll tell her.“ She puts down the receiver and looks at me. ”Lexi, Simon's in with Sir David and a few other directors.“ ”Sir David Allbright?“ I echo apprehensively. Sir David Allbright is chairman of the board. He's the total bigwig, even bigger and wiggier than Simon. And he's really fierce, everyone says so. ”That's right.“ Natasha nods. ”Simon says you should just go in, join the meeting and see all of them. In about five minutes, okay?” Panic is sending little shooters through my chest. I wasn't counting on Sir David and the directors.
“Of course! Fine. Um... Fi, I need to powder my nose. Let's just continue our discussion in the Ladies'.” “Fine.” Fi looks surprised. “Whatever.” I push my way into the empty Ladies' and sit down on a stool, breathing hard. “I can't do this.” “What?” “I can't do it.” I hug my folder helplessly. “This is a stupid plan. How am I going to impress Sir David Allbright? I've never given a presentation to important people like that. I'm no good at giving speeches” “Yes, you are!” retorts Fi. “Lexi, you've given speeches to the whole company. You were excellent.” “Really?” I stare at her blankly. “I wouldn't lie,” she says firmly. “At the last sales conference you were brilliant. You can do this standing on your head. You just have to believe it.” I'm silent for a few seconds, trying to picture it, wanting to believe it. But it doesn't chime in my brain. It's not registered anywhere. She could be telling me I'm fabulous at the circus trapeze, or have a great triple axel. “I don't know.” I rub my face hopelessly, my energy dissipating. “Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a boss. Maybe I should just give up” “No! You're totally meant to be a boss!” “How can you say that?” My voice trembles. “When I was promoted to director, I couldn't cope! I alienated all of you, I didn't manage the department well... I fucked it up. And they realize that.” I jerk my head toward the door. “That's why they demoted me. I don't know why I'm even bothering.” I sink my head into my hands. “Lexi, you didn't fuck it up.” Fi speaks in a rush, almost brusque with embarrassment. “You were a good boss.” “Yeah.” I look up briefly and roll my eyes. “Right.” “You were,'” Her cheeks have reddened. “We... weren't fair. Look, we were all pissed off at you, so we gave you a hard time.“ She hesitates, twisting a paper towel into a plait. ”Yes, you were too impatient some of the time. But you did some really great things. You are good at motivat 357 ing people. Everyone felt alive and kicking. People wanted to impress you. They admired you.“ As I take in her words I can feel an underlying tension slowly slipping off me, like a blanket onto the floor. Except I can't quite trust what I'm hearing. ”But you made me sound like such a bitch. All of you.“ Fi nods. ”You were a bitch some of the time. But sometimes you needed to be.“ She hesitates, weaving the towel through her fingers. ”Carolyn was taking the piss with her expenses. She deserved a bit of a rocket. I didn't say that,“ she adds quickly, with a grin, and I can't help smiling back. The door to the Ladies' opens and a cleaner starts coming in with a mop. ”Could you give us two minutes?“ I say at once in my best crisp, don't-?argue-?with-?me voice. ”Thanks.“ The door closes again. ”Thing is, Lex...“ Fi abandons her mangled paper towel. ”We were jealous.“ She looks at me frankly. ”Jealous?“ ”One minute you were Snaggletooth. Next thing, you've got this amazing hair and teeth and your own office, and you're in charge and telling us what to do.“ ”I know.“ I sigh. ”It's... mad.“ ”It's not mad.“ To my surprise. Fi comes over to where I'm sitting. She crouches down and takes both my shoulders in her hands. ”They made a good decision, promoting you. You can be boss, Lexi. You can do this. A million times better than fucking Byron.“ She swivels her eyes derisively. I'm so touched by her belief in me, I can't quite speak for a moment. ”I just want to be...one of you,“ I say at last. ”With everybody.“ 358 ”You will be. You are. But someone has to be out there.“ Fi sits back on her heels. ”Lexi, remember when we were at primary school? Remember the sack race on sports day?”
“Of course! Fine. Um... Fi, I need to powder my nose. Let's just continue our discussion in the Ladies'.” “Fine.” Fi looks surprised. “Whatever.” I push my way into the empty Ladies' and sit down on a stool, breathing hard. “I can't do this.” “What?” “I can't do it.” I hug my folder helplessly. “This is a stupid plan. How am I going to impress Sir David Allbright? I've never given a presentation to important people like that. I'm no good at giving speeches” “Yes, you are!” retorts Fi. “Lexi, you've given speeches to the whole company. You were excellent.” “Really?” I stare at her blankly. “I wouldn't lie,” she says firmly. “At the last sales conference you were brilliant. You can do this standing on your head. You just have to believe it.” I'm silent for a few seconds, trying to picture it, wanting to believe it. But it doesn't chime in my brain. It's not registered anywhere. She could be telling me I'm fabulous at the circus trapeze, or have a great triple axel. “I don't know.” I rub my face hopelessly, my energy dissipating. “Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a boss. Maybe I should just give up” “No! You're totally meant to be a boss!” “How can you say that?” My voice trembles. “When I was promoted to director, I couldn't cope! I alienated all of you, I didn't manage the department well... I fucked it up. And they realize that.” I jerk my head toward the door. “That's why they demoted me. I don't know why I'm even bothering.” I sink my head into my hands. “Lexi, you didn't fuck it up.” Fi speaks in a rush, almost brusque with embarrassment. “You were a good boss.” “Yeah.” I look up briefly and roll my eyes. “Right.” “You were,'” Her cheeks have reddened. “We... weren't fair. Look, we were all pissed off at you, so we gave you a hard time.“ She hesitates, twisting a paper towel into a plait. ”Yes, you were too impatient some of the time. But you did some really great things. You are good at motivat 357 ing people. Everyone felt alive and kicking. People wanted to impress you. They admired you.“ As I take in her words I can feel an underlying tension slowly slipping off me, like a blanket onto the floor. Except I can't quite trust what I'm hearing. ”But you made me sound like such a bitch. All of you.“ Fi nods. ”You were a bitch some of the time. But sometimes you needed to be.“ She hesitates, weaving the towel through her fingers. ”Carolyn was taking the piss with her expenses. She deserved a bit of a rocket. I didn't say that,“ she adds quickly, with a grin, and I can't help smiling back. The door to the Ladies' opens and a cleaner starts coming in with a mop. ”Could you give us two minutes?“ I say at once in my best crisp, don't-?argue-?with-?me voice. ”Thanks.“ The door closes again. ”Thing is, Lex...“ Fi abandons her mangled paper towel. ”We were jealous.“ She looks at me frankly. ”Jealous?“ ”One minute you were Snaggletooth. Next thing, you've got this amazing hair and teeth and your own office, and you're in charge and telling us what to do.“ ”I know.“ I sigh. ”It's... mad.“ ”It's not mad.“ To my surprise. Fi comes over to where I'm sitting. She crouches down and takes both my shoulders in her hands. ”They made a good decision, promoting you. You can be boss, Lexi. You can do this. A million times better than fucking Byron.“ She swivels her eyes derisively. I'm so touched by her belief in me, I can't quite speak for a moment. ”I just want to be...one of you,“ I say at last. ”With everybody.“ 358 ”You will be. You are. But someone has to be out there.“ Fi sits back on her heels. ”Lexi, remember when we were at primary school? Remember the sack race on sports day?”
