Resenting Me
Page 18
As I lay here, bleeding out all over the concrete, I regret never taking that chance with Pyro, and I realize now, that I was a fool. I could have experienced real love, and instead, I kept it at a distance, never giving it a chance. Here I thought he’d be the one to leave me, and I’m the one who is doing the leaving again. Only this time, I don’t think I’m coming back to him.
My body grows colder by the second, and sounds become fainter, as the blood rushes through my eardrums in a beat that makes my stomach roll. Death is terrifying, surreal, and there isn’t anything else out there like it. Just the thought that my next breath could be my last should scare me, but the only thing scaring me is that I didn’t let myself have that once in a lifetime love. It has been there for my taking, there for me to have, but I kept pushing it away. That is why I am scared to take my last breath.
If I had let myself experience my once in a lifetime love, then I’d be okay with dying. But I didn’t have it and I don’t want to die until I do. And just like my parents told me when I was a little girl, ‘you don’t always get what you want’. I never understood that phrase until now. I haven’t always gotten what I wanted in life, but I never had a problem with it. Until the moment I am dying, and now I want to cry because I didn’t take advantage of life and all that it offered me. It isn’t fair, and then another phrase my parents were so fond of comes to mind, ‘life isn’t always fair, Lana Loo’. Yeah, so this is my moment and my last regret is the biggest one I have ever had in my short life.
“LANA!”
Oh god! Stefan! I use all my strength to lift one arm up as his footsteps pound towards me. His large body falls next to me, his strong arms lifting me, tucking me closely to his chest. One hand wraps around my neck, forcing me to look up into his beautiful eyes. “Don’t you go dyin’ on me now, baby! Don’t you do it!”
Cold sweeps my body, my eyes begging to close as he rocks me back and forth.
“I...” Gasp. “Love...” Gasp. “You... Stefan.”
His body starts to shake violently against mine, his voice rumbling against me. “I love you too, flower. You can’t leave. You can’t leave me when you made me feel. You can’t.” His tears slide down his jaw, landing on my neck. “Goddamn it, baby!”
I can no longer feel my wounds or my head. The only thing I can feel is my heart breaking as it beats slower. “I’m... sorry.” Gasp. “Wasted... time.”
Sobs rip through him and he clutches me tighter. “No time with you was wasted, baby. None,” he whispers against my hair.
“Moya sestra!” Winter lands beside me, tears rushing down her face.
“Don’t,” I gasp, “let him,” gasp, “win this time.”
“Lana, nooo,” she cries out.
Something catches her attention and anger fills her eyes. Pyro loosens his hold as if he’s going to set me down.
“Don’t,” she says. “Stay with her.”
Blood fills my throat, making it harder to breathe. I’m drowning in it. I use all the strength I have left in me to reach up with one of my bloody hands and stroke Pyro’s grief stricken face.
Her small, delicate hand reaches up to stroke my face. “Always... always feel, Stefan,” she whispers as her eyes close forever.
The tears won’t stop coming as I bend my head down to brush my lips against hers one more time. My heart feels as if it’s going to pound out of my chest as I gently pick her up and carry her to a lawn chair. It takes everything in me to turn away from her, wipe my face, and catch my breath.
I could’ve been here. I could’ve stopped this shit.
“I SHOULDN’T HAVE STOPPED AT THE FUCKING CLUB FIRST!”
I can hear everyone talking but the voices sound distorted.
“SHE’S FUCKING GONE!” I growl towards the sky, pissed off at the world.
What is it about death that makes things so damn final? This is as final as it f**king gets. She is gone. I don’t get to see her angry, sad, or happy. She will never look at me like I am the f**king sun ever again. I have never in my life dwelled over things that were out of my control, but I am dwelling over this.
I should’ve been here. I should be the one with the bullets in me. She kept saying I was going to leave, that something bad was going to happen to me, and here it is, the exact opposite, and I was powerless to f**king stop it!
How many bullets did she need to f**king take because she loved me? Hell, the first time might not have been love yet, but she still took a bullet for being at the clubhouse for me. And here she is again, filled with bullets because of her attraction to the club. So again, me. I am the reason that she is f**king dead.
This is the worst goddamn feeling in the world. I did this. I caused this, and I can’t take it back this time. This is a wrong I can’t fix. This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my f**ked up life.
“The cleaners are on the way.” I hear Braxxon talking to Winter.
That one sentence snaps me back. “Cremation?”
“Yes, all three.”
That is all I need to hear.
What kind of sick f**kers do this? I can’t even fathom the things in a person’s mind that would lead them to shoot innocent women, one who is pregnant no less, and whack a guy’s head off and stick it on a damn tiki torch. Shit ain’t right. We do some crazy things in our club, but this is beyond even our hard limit.
My body grows colder by the second, and sounds become fainter, as the blood rushes through my eardrums in a beat that makes my stomach roll. Death is terrifying, surreal, and there isn’t anything else out there like it. Just the thought that my next breath could be my last should scare me, but the only thing scaring me is that I didn’t let myself have that once in a lifetime love. It has been there for my taking, there for me to have, but I kept pushing it away. That is why I am scared to take my last breath.
If I had let myself experience my once in a lifetime love, then I’d be okay with dying. But I didn’t have it and I don’t want to die until I do. And just like my parents told me when I was a little girl, ‘you don’t always get what you want’. I never understood that phrase until now. I haven’t always gotten what I wanted in life, but I never had a problem with it. Until the moment I am dying, and now I want to cry because I didn’t take advantage of life and all that it offered me. It isn’t fair, and then another phrase my parents were so fond of comes to mind, ‘life isn’t always fair, Lana Loo’. Yeah, so this is my moment and my last regret is the biggest one I have ever had in my short life.
“LANA!”
Oh god! Stefan! I use all my strength to lift one arm up as his footsteps pound towards me. His large body falls next to me, his strong arms lifting me, tucking me closely to his chest. One hand wraps around my neck, forcing me to look up into his beautiful eyes. “Don’t you go dyin’ on me now, baby! Don’t you do it!”
Cold sweeps my body, my eyes begging to close as he rocks me back and forth.
“I...” Gasp. “Love...” Gasp. “You... Stefan.”
His body starts to shake violently against mine, his voice rumbling against me. “I love you too, flower. You can’t leave. You can’t leave me when you made me feel. You can’t.” His tears slide down his jaw, landing on my neck. “Goddamn it, baby!”
I can no longer feel my wounds or my head. The only thing I can feel is my heart breaking as it beats slower. “I’m... sorry.” Gasp. “Wasted... time.”
Sobs rip through him and he clutches me tighter. “No time with you was wasted, baby. None,” he whispers against my hair.
“Moya sestra!” Winter lands beside me, tears rushing down her face.
“Don’t,” I gasp, “let him,” gasp, “win this time.”
“Lana, nooo,” she cries out.
Something catches her attention and anger fills her eyes. Pyro loosens his hold as if he’s going to set me down.
“Don’t,” she says. “Stay with her.”
Blood fills my throat, making it harder to breathe. I’m drowning in it. I use all the strength I have left in me to reach up with one of my bloody hands and stroke Pyro’s grief stricken face.
Her small, delicate hand reaches up to stroke my face. “Always... always feel, Stefan,” she whispers as her eyes close forever.
The tears won’t stop coming as I bend my head down to brush my lips against hers one more time. My heart feels as if it’s going to pound out of my chest as I gently pick her up and carry her to a lawn chair. It takes everything in me to turn away from her, wipe my face, and catch my breath.
I could’ve been here. I could’ve stopped this shit.
“I SHOULDN’T HAVE STOPPED AT THE FUCKING CLUB FIRST!”
I can hear everyone talking but the voices sound distorted.
“SHE’S FUCKING GONE!” I growl towards the sky, pissed off at the world.
What is it about death that makes things so damn final? This is as final as it f**king gets. She is gone. I don’t get to see her angry, sad, or happy. She will never look at me like I am the f**king sun ever again. I have never in my life dwelled over things that were out of my control, but I am dwelling over this.
I should’ve been here. I should be the one with the bullets in me. She kept saying I was going to leave, that something bad was going to happen to me, and here it is, the exact opposite, and I was powerless to f**king stop it!
How many bullets did she need to f**king take because she loved me? Hell, the first time might not have been love yet, but she still took a bullet for being at the clubhouse for me. And here she is again, filled with bullets because of her attraction to the club. So again, me. I am the reason that she is f**king dead.
This is the worst goddamn feeling in the world. I did this. I caused this, and I can’t take it back this time. This is a wrong I can’t fix. This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my f**ked up life.
“The cleaners are on the way.” I hear Braxxon talking to Winter.
That one sentence snaps me back. “Cremation?”
“Yes, all three.”
That is all I need to hear.
What kind of sick f**kers do this? I can’t even fathom the things in a person’s mind that would lead them to shoot innocent women, one who is pregnant no less, and whack a guy’s head off and stick it on a damn tiki torch. Shit ain’t right. We do some crazy things in our club, but this is beyond even our hard limit.
