Retreat
Page 88
I felt my jaw unhinge like a snake trying to swallow a rabbit whole. I heard my breath wheeze out of my lungs, and I was pretty sure I blacked out for a second because when my eyes refocused on her, she looked impatient and aggravated, not shattered or heartbroken.
“I . . . we . . . you . . .” the words wheezed out as I lifted a hand to my throat and told myself to focus and calm down. “How long have you known that I had an affair with your husband?”
She waved a hand in front of her and rolled her eyes at me like it was a silly question to ask. “Chris is nice enough to look at, gets the job done in bed and he’s a passable father. He’s neither a rocket scientist nor is he a challenge. He doesn’t flaunt his affairs but he doesn’t hide them either.” Her other eyebrow lifted to match the first. “I’ve always been the breadwinner and the one with drive and ambition and he’s supported me in everything I’ve done. I wanted an empire, he wanted to get his dick sucked. When I wasn’t around to do it, he found someone, anyone who was willing. As long as he doesn’t bring his girlfriends around my kids or parade them in front of the people I do business with, I let him have his fun, and honestly, I have mine.” She leaned forward in her chair a little bit and her gaze locked on mine. “You were the first one I actually worried about. I knew I needed your particular skill set but if you were willing to fall for Chris’s particular brand of bullshit, it made me question how bright and dedicated you really were.” She grinned at me and while I thought she was going to be malicious and nasty it actually seemed like her typical, friendly smile. I was so confused that I felt a little nauseous. I wondered if she’d be as nice about me throwing up on her floor as she was about me fucking the man she was married to. “You kicked Chris to the curb as soon as you saw the picture on my desk. I still question your taste in men, but not your integrity. I think your guilt made you work even harder.”
I leaned forward in the chair and rested my forehead on the point my crossed knees made. “I felt like acid was eating me alive inside every single time I saw you. I wanted to tell you what happened, but I was so scared. You knew all along and you never said a word.”
I heard her scoff a little. “I’m not the one who had the affair. I was under no obligation to make your life easier or your deception easier to live with.”
She was right. She didn’t owe me anything, but I didn’t like the way she had leveraged my guilty conscience into making me a pawn she could use how she saw fit.
“He made it so easy.” I choked on the words as every single way Cy made it so difficult flashed through my mind. He wasn’t going to fit unless I made him fit and right now there was a hole so big in the center of me that I needed him to fill it up in order to make sense of anything. Half a life before him, no life without him, at least not one that had anything I wanted inside of it.
She gave me a sympathetic look and that bile rose even harder up in my throat. She felt sorry for me; that I had been foolish enough to fall for someone as simple as her husband. I didn’t want her pity and I knew deep down into my bones that I didn’t want to work for or with someone who was okay using another person’s emotions against them like a weapon. “He does that. That’s why we’ve stayed together as long as we have. He makes it easy for me to live my life around him. Now about that extended contract . . .”
Say what you mean and mean what you say. I pushed to my feet and shook my head at her. “I can’t sign on for an extended contract. I’m happy to finish out the one I’m already committed to, but I don’t want to do this anymore.”
She frowned at me, seeming to be genuinely confused. “Is this about working for me now that you know that I know about you and my husband?”
I shook my head again and felt one of Cy’s not quite smiles tug at my mouth. “No. This is about me being sick of the noise. I don’t want to manipulate people into spending money on stuff they don’t need with clever words and glossy images. I don’t want to be seduced by easy and uncomplicated.” I took a step toward the door and gave her a steady look. “I want to know what I’m dealing with up front, because you can hear the truth ringing in every syllable spoken. I want complicated and problematic. I want to get on the horse every time it throws me and not be afraid of being hurt because . . .” I took another step toward the door, my heart kicking against my ribs and determination like a fire in my blood. Everything that happened before goodbye was what lingered, but I could make what happened after goodbye be the most important choices I ever made. “I want to be happy for once in my life, and I want to mean it when I say that I am. I’m not just done with your company after the contract is finished, I’m done with this half-life.” It was my turn to lift my eyebrows at her as I put a hand on the door and pulled it open. “What good is having an empire if you’re the only one around to appreciate everything you’ve worked so hard for?”
She scoffed again, but I could tell she had moved past irritated and was now actually angry. I wanted to tell her that she would have a much better life if she got worked up that way about the state of her marriage, rather than her business, but it wasn’t my job to save her relationship, not when she was the one who let it wither in the first place.
“Bad taste in men and bad business sense. Don’t think I won’t be going to your bosses about your unprofessional behavior and your refusal to work with my company further. They won’t be happy.”
“I . . . we . . . you . . .” the words wheezed out as I lifted a hand to my throat and told myself to focus and calm down. “How long have you known that I had an affair with your husband?”
She waved a hand in front of her and rolled her eyes at me like it was a silly question to ask. “Chris is nice enough to look at, gets the job done in bed and he’s a passable father. He’s neither a rocket scientist nor is he a challenge. He doesn’t flaunt his affairs but he doesn’t hide them either.” Her other eyebrow lifted to match the first. “I’ve always been the breadwinner and the one with drive and ambition and he’s supported me in everything I’ve done. I wanted an empire, he wanted to get his dick sucked. When I wasn’t around to do it, he found someone, anyone who was willing. As long as he doesn’t bring his girlfriends around my kids or parade them in front of the people I do business with, I let him have his fun, and honestly, I have mine.” She leaned forward in her chair a little bit and her gaze locked on mine. “You were the first one I actually worried about. I knew I needed your particular skill set but if you were willing to fall for Chris’s particular brand of bullshit, it made me question how bright and dedicated you really were.” She grinned at me and while I thought she was going to be malicious and nasty it actually seemed like her typical, friendly smile. I was so confused that I felt a little nauseous. I wondered if she’d be as nice about me throwing up on her floor as she was about me fucking the man she was married to. “You kicked Chris to the curb as soon as you saw the picture on my desk. I still question your taste in men, but not your integrity. I think your guilt made you work even harder.”
I leaned forward in the chair and rested my forehead on the point my crossed knees made. “I felt like acid was eating me alive inside every single time I saw you. I wanted to tell you what happened, but I was so scared. You knew all along and you never said a word.”
I heard her scoff a little. “I’m not the one who had the affair. I was under no obligation to make your life easier or your deception easier to live with.”
She was right. She didn’t owe me anything, but I didn’t like the way she had leveraged my guilty conscience into making me a pawn she could use how she saw fit.
“He made it so easy.” I choked on the words as every single way Cy made it so difficult flashed through my mind. He wasn’t going to fit unless I made him fit and right now there was a hole so big in the center of me that I needed him to fill it up in order to make sense of anything. Half a life before him, no life without him, at least not one that had anything I wanted inside of it.
She gave me a sympathetic look and that bile rose even harder up in my throat. She felt sorry for me; that I had been foolish enough to fall for someone as simple as her husband. I didn’t want her pity and I knew deep down into my bones that I didn’t want to work for or with someone who was okay using another person’s emotions against them like a weapon. “He does that. That’s why we’ve stayed together as long as we have. He makes it easy for me to live my life around him. Now about that extended contract . . .”
Say what you mean and mean what you say. I pushed to my feet and shook my head at her. “I can’t sign on for an extended contract. I’m happy to finish out the one I’m already committed to, but I don’t want to do this anymore.”
She frowned at me, seeming to be genuinely confused. “Is this about working for me now that you know that I know about you and my husband?”
I shook my head again and felt one of Cy’s not quite smiles tug at my mouth. “No. This is about me being sick of the noise. I don’t want to manipulate people into spending money on stuff they don’t need with clever words and glossy images. I don’t want to be seduced by easy and uncomplicated.” I took a step toward the door and gave her a steady look. “I want to know what I’m dealing with up front, because you can hear the truth ringing in every syllable spoken. I want complicated and problematic. I want to get on the horse every time it throws me and not be afraid of being hurt because . . .” I took another step toward the door, my heart kicking against my ribs and determination like a fire in my blood. Everything that happened before goodbye was what lingered, but I could make what happened after goodbye be the most important choices I ever made. “I want to be happy for once in my life, and I want to mean it when I say that I am. I’m not just done with your company after the contract is finished, I’m done with this half-life.” It was my turn to lift my eyebrows at her as I put a hand on the door and pulled it open. “What good is having an empire if you’re the only one around to appreciate everything you’ve worked so hard for?”
She scoffed again, but I could tell she had moved past irritated and was now actually angry. I wanted to tell her that she would have a much better life if she got worked up that way about the state of her marriage, rather than her business, but it wasn’t my job to save her relationship, not when she was the one who let it wither in the first place.
“Bad taste in men and bad business sense. Don’t think I won’t be going to your bosses about your unprofessional behavior and your refusal to work with my company further. They won’t be happy.”
