Rock Chick Redemption
Page 81
“Is this about our conversation last night?” he went on.
“No,” I repeated, this time it was a lie.
It was totally about our conversation last night. I couldn’t get it out of my head, any of it. Last night, he’d made sense.
In fact, everyone made sense, Daisy, Duke, everyone. I wanted to believe, even tried to believe.
In my heart, I couldn’t.
Deep down, I knew I had to protect myself from that time; the time that happens in any relationship, when my judgment was cal ed into question. Then, where would I be?
What would I say? I didn’t have solid moral ground to stand on and Hank was a pil ar of solid moral ground. Any relationship had to have equality. Ours did not. He was clean and good, I was dirty and, if not bad, then at least dubious. Who wanted to be the dubious girlfriend?
Not me.
That said I spent more of my time thinking about him tel ing me that I undid him than my moral dubiousness.
“I can’t believe you can cook,” I snapped, deciding to focus on something other than the matter at hand.
His smile went away and he did a slow blink. “Sorry?”
“You’re a good cook,” I said.
“You’re angry because I can make eggs?”
“Wel … yeah,” I said not caring, even a little bit, that I sounded demented. Demented was good. No one wanted a demented girlfriend.
“Sunshine, I can scramble eggs and I can cook meat on the gril , that’s the extent of my cooking skil s,” he told me.
“Feel better?”
“You make good toast too,” I made it sound like an accusation.
He stared at me a beat and then threw his head back and laughed. Out and out laughed. I’d never seen him laugh, not like that. I’d felt him laugh, and I’d heard him chuckle, but I’d never watched him laugh. He was good-looking al the time, sometimes better than others, but when he laughed he was beautiful.
This did not make me happy, so I scowled at him.
He caught sight of my scowl and snatched me across the cab, into his arms and buried his face in my neck.
“You’re a nut,” he said there.
Enough was enough. I had to end this. I didn’t want to, I had to.
Okay, so Hank didn’t get it. And neither did anyone else.
So they al thought I was a crazy person and I would disappoint a lot of people if I broke it off with Hank. That didn’t matter. What mattered was I knew what I was doing and what I was doing was for Hank.
He deserved better than me.
(I should point out that I didn’t real y know what I was doing, but I thought I kinda did.)
So I announced, “I’m moving back in with Uncle Tex.
He’s a big guy, he has a shotgun. He can protect me until this mess is over.”
Hank’s head came up and he was smiling at me, like I was being cute and adorable. “You aren’t movin’ back in with Tex.”
“Yes I am.”
“Let’s forget for a second that no way in hel would he let you, I won’t let you. First, I want to make sure you’re safe and the only way to do that is for me to make you safe.
Second, Tex is an ex-con. Something happens, he has to use that shotgun, there’l be uncomfortable questions as to why he’s got a gun.”
Shit.
I didn’t want Uncle Tex to have to answer uncomfortable questions.
“So, I’l move into the safe room until this is over,” I tried.
“Lee won’t let you.”
“Why not?”
“Because I won’t let him let you.”
I scowled at him some more.
Fucking Hank.
There was nothing for it. It was now or never.
“Okay then, I’m breaking up with you. Trust me, Hank, it’s for your own good. I know you don’t understand but one day, when you’re with a nice woman who makes you French toast with sweetened cream cheese spread in the middle, you wil .”
And I hope she’s boring, boring, boring. I thought but did not say, because it wasn’t nice and I didn’t real y mean it. I didn’t want Hank to have boring but, if I was honest with myself, I didn’t want him to forget me either.
I made this announcement on a wave of bravado and a seriously painful stomach clutch. In fact, I was almost certain I was going to vomit.
He shook his head and his smile didn’t change. Even though I was breaking up with him, he still was looking at me like I was cute and adorable.
“You’re not breakin’ up with me,” he said.
The nausea left me and I blinked at him. “I am,” I told him.
“You’re not.”
“Hank, I am.”
“Sunshine, you are not.”
“You can’t tel me I’m not breaking up with you when I’m breaking up with you!” I said, fairly loudly.
“I think I just did.”
I looked at the ceiling of the cab. “I do not believe this,” I told the ceiling.
There was just no shaking this guy!
Hank’s hand moved to my chin and he forced me to look at him. “Roxie, I have never met a woman more annoyingly stubborn than you.”
Wel !
He ignored my flashing eyes (and I was sure they were seriously flashing) and went on. “You’ve got some fool idea in your head that you’re protectin’ me and you’re fired up to keep it there.”
“It isn’t a fool idea.”
“It’s beyond a fool idea.”
Well!
Then he ignored my grinding teeth and his grin came back. “Lucky for you, I’m as patient as you are stubborn.”
“You’re not patient. You’re more stubborn than me.”
“That works too.”
“Hank, you have to listen to me –”
“On this subject, no I don’t.”
“Hank –”
“Let’s get you inside, I’ve got to work.”
“We have to talk.”
“We’l talk later.”
“We need to talk now.”
His arms tightened and he pul ed me out of my seat, across his lap and his arm went around my waist as one hand slid into my hair and tilted my head down to look at his face. It was a tight fit and we were super close, his face face. It was a tight fit and we were super close, his face was al I could see.
“When Fortnum’s closes, I’l come and get you. We’l go home, we’l make dinner, we’l make love and afterward you can try and convince me that we’re not gonna work. When that doesn’t happen, I’l convince you we are. Then, we’l probably make love again and then we’l sleep. How does that sound?”
“No,” I repeated, this time it was a lie.
It was totally about our conversation last night. I couldn’t get it out of my head, any of it. Last night, he’d made sense.
In fact, everyone made sense, Daisy, Duke, everyone. I wanted to believe, even tried to believe.
In my heart, I couldn’t.
Deep down, I knew I had to protect myself from that time; the time that happens in any relationship, when my judgment was cal ed into question. Then, where would I be?
What would I say? I didn’t have solid moral ground to stand on and Hank was a pil ar of solid moral ground. Any relationship had to have equality. Ours did not. He was clean and good, I was dirty and, if not bad, then at least dubious. Who wanted to be the dubious girlfriend?
Not me.
That said I spent more of my time thinking about him tel ing me that I undid him than my moral dubiousness.
“I can’t believe you can cook,” I snapped, deciding to focus on something other than the matter at hand.
His smile went away and he did a slow blink. “Sorry?”
“You’re a good cook,” I said.
“You’re angry because I can make eggs?”
“Wel … yeah,” I said not caring, even a little bit, that I sounded demented. Demented was good. No one wanted a demented girlfriend.
“Sunshine, I can scramble eggs and I can cook meat on the gril , that’s the extent of my cooking skil s,” he told me.
“Feel better?”
“You make good toast too,” I made it sound like an accusation.
He stared at me a beat and then threw his head back and laughed. Out and out laughed. I’d never seen him laugh, not like that. I’d felt him laugh, and I’d heard him chuckle, but I’d never watched him laugh. He was good-looking al the time, sometimes better than others, but when he laughed he was beautiful.
This did not make me happy, so I scowled at him.
He caught sight of my scowl and snatched me across the cab, into his arms and buried his face in my neck.
“You’re a nut,” he said there.
Enough was enough. I had to end this. I didn’t want to, I had to.
Okay, so Hank didn’t get it. And neither did anyone else.
So they al thought I was a crazy person and I would disappoint a lot of people if I broke it off with Hank. That didn’t matter. What mattered was I knew what I was doing and what I was doing was for Hank.
He deserved better than me.
(I should point out that I didn’t real y know what I was doing, but I thought I kinda did.)
So I announced, “I’m moving back in with Uncle Tex.
He’s a big guy, he has a shotgun. He can protect me until this mess is over.”
Hank’s head came up and he was smiling at me, like I was being cute and adorable. “You aren’t movin’ back in with Tex.”
“Yes I am.”
“Let’s forget for a second that no way in hel would he let you, I won’t let you. First, I want to make sure you’re safe and the only way to do that is for me to make you safe.
Second, Tex is an ex-con. Something happens, he has to use that shotgun, there’l be uncomfortable questions as to why he’s got a gun.”
Shit.
I didn’t want Uncle Tex to have to answer uncomfortable questions.
“So, I’l move into the safe room until this is over,” I tried.
“Lee won’t let you.”
“Why not?”
“Because I won’t let him let you.”
I scowled at him some more.
Fucking Hank.
There was nothing for it. It was now or never.
“Okay then, I’m breaking up with you. Trust me, Hank, it’s for your own good. I know you don’t understand but one day, when you’re with a nice woman who makes you French toast with sweetened cream cheese spread in the middle, you wil .”
And I hope she’s boring, boring, boring. I thought but did not say, because it wasn’t nice and I didn’t real y mean it. I didn’t want Hank to have boring but, if I was honest with myself, I didn’t want him to forget me either.
I made this announcement on a wave of bravado and a seriously painful stomach clutch. In fact, I was almost certain I was going to vomit.
He shook his head and his smile didn’t change. Even though I was breaking up with him, he still was looking at me like I was cute and adorable.
“You’re not breakin’ up with me,” he said.
The nausea left me and I blinked at him. “I am,” I told him.
“You’re not.”
“Hank, I am.”
“Sunshine, you are not.”
“You can’t tel me I’m not breaking up with you when I’m breaking up with you!” I said, fairly loudly.
“I think I just did.”
I looked at the ceiling of the cab. “I do not believe this,” I told the ceiling.
There was just no shaking this guy!
Hank’s hand moved to my chin and he forced me to look at him. “Roxie, I have never met a woman more annoyingly stubborn than you.”
Wel !
He ignored my flashing eyes (and I was sure they were seriously flashing) and went on. “You’ve got some fool idea in your head that you’re protectin’ me and you’re fired up to keep it there.”
“It isn’t a fool idea.”
“It’s beyond a fool idea.”
Well!
Then he ignored my grinding teeth and his grin came back. “Lucky for you, I’m as patient as you are stubborn.”
“You’re not patient. You’re more stubborn than me.”
“That works too.”
“Hank, you have to listen to me –”
“On this subject, no I don’t.”
“Hank –”
“Let’s get you inside, I’ve got to work.”
“We have to talk.”
“We’l talk later.”
“We need to talk now.”
His arms tightened and he pul ed me out of my seat, across his lap and his arm went around my waist as one hand slid into my hair and tilted my head down to look at his face. It was a tight fit and we were super close, his face face. It was a tight fit and we were super close, his face was al I could see.
“When Fortnum’s closes, I’l come and get you. We’l go home, we’l make dinner, we’l make love and afterward you can try and convince me that we’re not gonna work. When that doesn’t happen, I’l convince you we are. Then, we’l probably make love again and then we’l sleep. How does that sound?”
