Rock Chick Revolution
Page 66
“I’ve been doing this for a while, Ren. I’ve been watching my brothers, both of them, and Lee’s guys. You learn from doing and seeing, and I have. And I’m good at it. But the bottom line is, I love doing it. It’s in my blood. It’s me.”
“You’ve said that before, but I see you aren’t takin’ into consideration that it’s important to me that you do not do this shit. You do not put yourself out there. You do not get into a situation—or situations, repeatedly—that might take you away from me or, later, our family.”
Okay, maybe another tactic was in order.
“So what do you propose I do?” I asked.
“Find something you like, or enjoy your time at Fortnum’s then turn your focus to raising our kids.”
I studied him closely, hoping he was joking.
It appeared he wasn’t joking.
Nevertheless, I thought it important to seek clarification.
“You want me to be a barista and then a stay-at-home mom?” I asked.
“Honestly?” he asked back, and I nodded. “Yeah. I got my wish, that’s what you’d be. But if that isn’t what you want, we can discuss it and you can find something to do that doesn’t include maybe pissing off husbands you caught cheating or putting you on radar with pimps and dealers.”
I stared at him and said nothing. Not that I didn’t have things to say. Lots of them.
Just that he was sitting there, unmoving except for upending his phone, eyes on me, totally calm and saying this shit to me, which for all intents and purposes was ripping my heart out and tearing it to shreds.
So my voice was strange in a way I’d never heard it be, not even in all the emotional ups and downs with Ren Zano I’d experienced for over a year, when I asked, “In all the time we’ve been together, have you paid even the slightest attention to me?”
I knew it was my tone that made his face turn guarded as he straightened out of the couch, keeping his eyes locked on me and starting, “Ally—”
I interrupted him. “This is me.”
“Honey—”
“This has always been me and you are one of a very select few who have always known it.”
“Yes, I have,” he agreed. “Not that you shared that with me openly. Just that I found that shit out.”
This was true, but at this juncture, it also didn’t matter.
“What I’m sayin’ is,” he continued. “For us and our future, it’s important to me to know you’re safe, but more, to know me and our future plans are important enough to you that you yourself do what you can to stay safe.”
I shook my head. “No, Ren, what you’re saying is, to be with you, I have to prove you’re important enough to me to change everything about me.”
He took a step toward me.
I took a step back and he stopped.
“Ally—” he started again.
I cut him off again. “You don’t want me.”
He shook his head and I saw his eyes flash with irritation when he clipped, “Baby, that’s just not true.”
“Really? Am I having a conversation in a different dimension than the one you’re in?” I asked sarcastically. “Because the Ren in my dimension is telling me I can’t be me and instead, to be with him, I have to be someone who is so, so, so, so, so not me.”
I knew it would happen. It was actually a shock he’d kept his shit tight for as long as he had. And me switching to sarcasm didn’t help.
But at my words, the Italian hothead badass broke through and he lost it.
And this made his voice loud and his eyes cold when he chose a tone like he was talking to a small child, and one who was not all that bright to boot.
“What I’m trying to impress on you, Ally, is that I understand this is important to you, very important. But we’re talkin’ about you showing me that our future is important enough for you to do something as simple as havin’ a job where you’re safe and stay healthy and don’t bring shit into our lives that’s uncontrolled.”
“I’m not some maverick with a death wish, Ren. I always do everything I can to stay safe and healthy, and it’s part of my job to keep shit controlled. I’ve been doing this for two years and none of this has leaked back into my life.”
That was when he really lost it.
“For f**k’s sake, Ally!” he shouted, “Your apartment exploded!”
Fuck.
I had to give that to him, and unfortunately it was a biggie.
“Rosie was a one-off. He was never a client, but I’ll admit he’s a wildcard.”
“Babe, the people you will connect with day to day in that business are all gonna be wildcards,” he returned.
He was right about that, too.
But it also wasn’t the point.
“Okay, Ren. You’re correct. That’s true. That said, what I’d ask from you is to trust me to know what I’m doing.”
“Since I don’t, that’s a problem,” he bit out, and I felt each word like he’d landed a blow.
So it came out breathless, and not the good kind, when I whispered, “Right.”
“Ally—”
“No.”
His chin jerked on that one word and I knew why.
Because it was quiet and filled with so much pain, it permeated the air, threatening to choke me.
I powered through that because I was Ally. That’s what I did.
And I had no choice.
I took in another deep breath and told him, “The reason our date was off was that Mom and Dad called a family meeting. I was going to talk to you to see how you felt about coming. Obviously, that isn’t an issue anymore.”
“Baby—” he took a step toward me, but I again stepped back.
He stopped moving and I kept talking.
“Still, they want to talk and I need to listen, so I have to go. I’ll be back later to get my stuff.”
“Honey—”
“I’ll text you when I’m on my way and it would be really cool if you weren’t here when I got back. I’ll leave the key in the kitchen.”
“Ally, don’t—”
“There’s nowhere to go with this,” I hissed, and he shut his mouth. “We’ve been around this and around it and it leads nowhere. I have no f**king clue why you worked so hard to get in there with me when you didn’t want me. But you did. Now, you need to move on. Because I’m me. And if you can’t accept me as I am, then we’re done.”
“You’ve said that before, but I see you aren’t takin’ into consideration that it’s important to me that you do not do this shit. You do not put yourself out there. You do not get into a situation—or situations, repeatedly—that might take you away from me or, later, our family.”
Okay, maybe another tactic was in order.
“So what do you propose I do?” I asked.
“Find something you like, or enjoy your time at Fortnum’s then turn your focus to raising our kids.”
I studied him closely, hoping he was joking.
It appeared he wasn’t joking.
Nevertheless, I thought it important to seek clarification.
“You want me to be a barista and then a stay-at-home mom?” I asked.
“Honestly?” he asked back, and I nodded. “Yeah. I got my wish, that’s what you’d be. But if that isn’t what you want, we can discuss it and you can find something to do that doesn’t include maybe pissing off husbands you caught cheating or putting you on radar with pimps and dealers.”
I stared at him and said nothing. Not that I didn’t have things to say. Lots of them.
Just that he was sitting there, unmoving except for upending his phone, eyes on me, totally calm and saying this shit to me, which for all intents and purposes was ripping my heart out and tearing it to shreds.
So my voice was strange in a way I’d never heard it be, not even in all the emotional ups and downs with Ren Zano I’d experienced for over a year, when I asked, “In all the time we’ve been together, have you paid even the slightest attention to me?”
I knew it was my tone that made his face turn guarded as he straightened out of the couch, keeping his eyes locked on me and starting, “Ally—”
I interrupted him. “This is me.”
“Honey—”
“This has always been me and you are one of a very select few who have always known it.”
“Yes, I have,” he agreed. “Not that you shared that with me openly. Just that I found that shit out.”
This was true, but at this juncture, it also didn’t matter.
“What I’m sayin’ is,” he continued. “For us and our future, it’s important to me to know you’re safe, but more, to know me and our future plans are important enough to you that you yourself do what you can to stay safe.”
I shook my head. “No, Ren, what you’re saying is, to be with you, I have to prove you’re important enough to me to change everything about me.”
He took a step toward me.
I took a step back and he stopped.
“Ally—” he started again.
I cut him off again. “You don’t want me.”
He shook his head and I saw his eyes flash with irritation when he clipped, “Baby, that’s just not true.”
“Really? Am I having a conversation in a different dimension than the one you’re in?” I asked sarcastically. “Because the Ren in my dimension is telling me I can’t be me and instead, to be with him, I have to be someone who is so, so, so, so, so not me.”
I knew it would happen. It was actually a shock he’d kept his shit tight for as long as he had. And me switching to sarcasm didn’t help.
But at my words, the Italian hothead badass broke through and he lost it.
And this made his voice loud and his eyes cold when he chose a tone like he was talking to a small child, and one who was not all that bright to boot.
“What I’m trying to impress on you, Ally, is that I understand this is important to you, very important. But we’re talkin’ about you showing me that our future is important enough for you to do something as simple as havin’ a job where you’re safe and stay healthy and don’t bring shit into our lives that’s uncontrolled.”
“I’m not some maverick with a death wish, Ren. I always do everything I can to stay safe and healthy, and it’s part of my job to keep shit controlled. I’ve been doing this for two years and none of this has leaked back into my life.”
That was when he really lost it.
“For f**k’s sake, Ally!” he shouted, “Your apartment exploded!”
Fuck.
I had to give that to him, and unfortunately it was a biggie.
“Rosie was a one-off. He was never a client, but I’ll admit he’s a wildcard.”
“Babe, the people you will connect with day to day in that business are all gonna be wildcards,” he returned.
He was right about that, too.
But it also wasn’t the point.
“Okay, Ren. You’re correct. That’s true. That said, what I’d ask from you is to trust me to know what I’m doing.”
“Since I don’t, that’s a problem,” he bit out, and I felt each word like he’d landed a blow.
So it came out breathless, and not the good kind, when I whispered, “Right.”
“Ally—”
“No.”
His chin jerked on that one word and I knew why.
Because it was quiet and filled with so much pain, it permeated the air, threatening to choke me.
I powered through that because I was Ally. That’s what I did.
And I had no choice.
I took in another deep breath and told him, “The reason our date was off was that Mom and Dad called a family meeting. I was going to talk to you to see how you felt about coming. Obviously, that isn’t an issue anymore.”
“Baby—” he took a step toward me, but I again stepped back.
He stopped moving and I kept talking.
“Still, they want to talk and I need to listen, so I have to go. I’ll be back later to get my stuff.”
“Honey—”
“I’ll text you when I’m on my way and it would be really cool if you weren’t here when I got back. I’ll leave the key in the kitchen.”
“Ally, don’t—”
“There’s nowhere to go with this,” I hissed, and he shut his mouth. “We’ve been around this and around it and it leads nowhere. I have no f**king clue why you worked so hard to get in there with me when you didn’t want me. But you did. Now, you need to move on. Because I’m me. And if you can’t accept me as I am, then we’re done.”
