Rock My Body
Page 46
After I leave her office, I still know deep down there are so many things left unsaid between the two of us. I’m doing my very best to open up to her and tell her exactly how I feel about her, and yet it seems like she’s still keeping me at arm’s length.
I take a seat out by the fountain and prop my guitar on my thigh. Every time I come out here, I think of Frannie. This has become our place.
I pop the cap off the ink pen I brought out with me and open the notebook that Frannie gave me. The melody that was running through my head last night is still screaming at me. I need to get it down on paper.
The only lyrics I can think of all have to do with how I’ve been feeling lately about Frannie. All this pushing and pulling has my head spinning. One minute, I’m sure everything is going to work out, and the next moment, I don’t know what the fuck is happening between us. It drives me crazy, but being with her is worth it. I want to protect her from her pain. She makes me want to be better—not just for her, but for the band and myself.
As I strum the strings, words flow from me.
Push and Pull
Your skin makes me wanna touch you
Be a part of your world
So I push you, but I won’t let you fall
But you’re a hard girl to get through to
All I want is to hold you and tell you it’ll be all right . . .
When I push you . . .
You pull me back
There’s nothing like, a love like that
A love like that
Let me ask you
When’s the last time you’ve felt like that
Bet it was with me
Bet it was with me
I’m falling for you
It’s easy to see
Without you girl, I just ain’t me
There’s no future without you
Give it a chance girl, give into the pull
When I push you . . .
You pull me back
There’s nothing like, a love like that
A love like that
Let me ask you
When’s the last time you’ve felt like that
Bet it was with me
Bet it was with me
I stare down at the unfinished song, and it hits me. There’s definitely more than just a physical connection going on between Frannie and me. It’s entirely too early to say this, but I think I might just be falling in love with her.
“Try” – Pink
The guilt is really starting to get to me. Every time I give Tyke an out to walk away from me, he doesn’t take it. As a matter of fact, it only makes him fight harder to stay and convince me that he’s not going to hurt me.
Since Annie died, I haven’t been close to anyone. Not really. My father never mentions Annie and has very little time for me. Mother is, well . . . Mother—only concerned with herself. I never really had any other girlfriends who I was close to. They were more like acquaintances because Annie was my closest friend and the men in my past were just random passersby.
But Tyke . . . he’s different. Even though I’m here to help him overcome his addiction, he’s helped me in more ways than I can count. He’s the first person to be genuinely concerned for me, the first person who seemed upset when I cried. But not only has he helped me personally, but professionally, he’s my greatest success. The one client I seem to really be getting through to.
I know I’ve kept my being pregnant a secret from him because I’ve convinced myself that he’ll throw me away the first chance he gets, but maybe that isn’t a fair assessment of his level of commitment. He’s been nothing but accepting, and completely there for me when I’ve needed him over the past couple of weeks. Maybe he can handle the news of a baby.
I sigh deeply and stare down at his chart as I wait for him to come into my office for his scheduled therapy session. My mind is made up. I’ll tell him what I’ve been keeping from him so he’ll understand why I’ve been so upset lately.
The moment Tyke steps into my office, I frown as I take in the beaten-down expression on his face. This takes me aback because yesterday he seemed perfectly fine. It makes me wonder what happened between then and now.
I stand up and walk over to him as he shuts the door behind him. “Something wrong?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “I’ve been working on some songs for the new album. Trip called yesterday and we went over some of the things the label has demanded, and it worries me that we won’t be able to produce enough songs in time. I’ve only written one so far. I’m pretty proud of it, but the rest are total shit.”
I poke my bottom lip out and wrap him into a hug. Tyke sighs into my hair as he returns my embrace. “It’ll come together. I believe you can do it. You’re amazing.”
“It wouldn’t worry me if I had more time, but they want us in the studio in two weeks to record new material, and we’re not ready. It’s times like these, when I’m stressed, that I . . . ”
He trails off, reluctant to finish his sentence, but I think I have a pretty good idea of what he’s eluding to.
I pull back and stare up at him. “Do you feel like you need to use?”
Shame washes over his face at my question, telling me the answer without him even speaking. It’s then I switch into therapist mode, using the techniques that I’ve been trained in.
“This is where you need to find the will inside to steer clear of the substances that you used for comfort when you feel stressed and anxious. You need to find other ways of calming those feelings, beside drugs.”
Tears pool in his eyes. “I really am a fucking junkie, aren’t I? I didn’t want to believe it. Going through detox was a huge fucking wake-up that I was fooling myself, but now . . . the craving is fucking eating at me.” He pauses. “I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to feel this way every time I get news that’s too hard to handle. What kind of man does that make me?”
I take a seat out by the fountain and prop my guitar on my thigh. Every time I come out here, I think of Frannie. This has become our place.
I pop the cap off the ink pen I brought out with me and open the notebook that Frannie gave me. The melody that was running through my head last night is still screaming at me. I need to get it down on paper.
The only lyrics I can think of all have to do with how I’ve been feeling lately about Frannie. All this pushing and pulling has my head spinning. One minute, I’m sure everything is going to work out, and the next moment, I don’t know what the fuck is happening between us. It drives me crazy, but being with her is worth it. I want to protect her from her pain. She makes me want to be better—not just for her, but for the band and myself.
As I strum the strings, words flow from me.
Push and Pull
Your skin makes me wanna touch you
Be a part of your world
So I push you, but I won’t let you fall
But you’re a hard girl to get through to
All I want is to hold you and tell you it’ll be all right . . .
When I push you . . .
You pull me back
There’s nothing like, a love like that
A love like that
Let me ask you
When’s the last time you’ve felt like that
Bet it was with me
Bet it was with me
I’m falling for you
It’s easy to see
Without you girl, I just ain’t me
There’s no future without you
Give it a chance girl, give into the pull
When I push you . . .
You pull me back
There’s nothing like, a love like that
A love like that
Let me ask you
When’s the last time you’ve felt like that
Bet it was with me
Bet it was with me
I stare down at the unfinished song, and it hits me. There’s definitely more than just a physical connection going on between Frannie and me. It’s entirely too early to say this, but I think I might just be falling in love with her.
“Try” – Pink
The guilt is really starting to get to me. Every time I give Tyke an out to walk away from me, he doesn’t take it. As a matter of fact, it only makes him fight harder to stay and convince me that he’s not going to hurt me.
Since Annie died, I haven’t been close to anyone. Not really. My father never mentions Annie and has very little time for me. Mother is, well . . . Mother—only concerned with herself. I never really had any other girlfriends who I was close to. They were more like acquaintances because Annie was my closest friend and the men in my past were just random passersby.
But Tyke . . . he’s different. Even though I’m here to help him overcome his addiction, he’s helped me in more ways than I can count. He’s the first person to be genuinely concerned for me, the first person who seemed upset when I cried. But not only has he helped me personally, but professionally, he’s my greatest success. The one client I seem to really be getting through to.
I know I’ve kept my being pregnant a secret from him because I’ve convinced myself that he’ll throw me away the first chance he gets, but maybe that isn’t a fair assessment of his level of commitment. He’s been nothing but accepting, and completely there for me when I’ve needed him over the past couple of weeks. Maybe he can handle the news of a baby.
I sigh deeply and stare down at his chart as I wait for him to come into my office for his scheduled therapy session. My mind is made up. I’ll tell him what I’ve been keeping from him so he’ll understand why I’ve been so upset lately.
The moment Tyke steps into my office, I frown as I take in the beaten-down expression on his face. This takes me aback because yesterday he seemed perfectly fine. It makes me wonder what happened between then and now.
I stand up and walk over to him as he shuts the door behind him. “Something wrong?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “I’ve been working on some songs for the new album. Trip called yesterday and we went over some of the things the label has demanded, and it worries me that we won’t be able to produce enough songs in time. I’ve only written one so far. I’m pretty proud of it, but the rest are total shit.”
I poke my bottom lip out and wrap him into a hug. Tyke sighs into my hair as he returns my embrace. “It’ll come together. I believe you can do it. You’re amazing.”
“It wouldn’t worry me if I had more time, but they want us in the studio in two weeks to record new material, and we’re not ready. It’s times like these, when I’m stressed, that I . . . ”
He trails off, reluctant to finish his sentence, but I think I have a pretty good idea of what he’s eluding to.
I pull back and stare up at him. “Do you feel like you need to use?”
Shame washes over his face at my question, telling me the answer without him even speaking. It’s then I switch into therapist mode, using the techniques that I’ve been trained in.
“This is where you need to find the will inside to steer clear of the substances that you used for comfort when you feel stressed and anxious. You need to find other ways of calming those feelings, beside drugs.”
Tears pool in his eyes. “I really am a fucking junkie, aren’t I? I didn’t want to believe it. Going through detox was a huge fucking wake-up that I was fooling myself, but now . . . the craving is fucking eating at me.” He pauses. “I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to feel this way every time I get news that’s too hard to handle. What kind of man does that make me?”
