Room for More

Page 25

Nervously, I looked at the parking lot and then back to my watch for the fiftieth time. Lucy and Piper giggled as they flowed back and forth on the swings, blissfully unaware that their biological father was on his way.
Earlier in the week, he’d asked me if he could see them. I wasn’t ready to have a conversation and explain everything to them just yet, but I told him I would bring them to the park, and he could meet us there and watch from afar. The trust issues I had for Zach still occupied most of my headspace, but I had decided to give him a second chance to slowly prove to me that he’d grown.
The slam of a truck door jolted me from my thoughts. I glanced toward the parking lot nonchalantly, thankful my sunglasses shielded my eyes. Zach got out of his car and shoved his hands in his jeans pockets as he slowly walked toward the bench I was sitting on. His eyes were darting around the playground, looking through the sea of kids for Lucy and Piper. When he finally spotted them, he stopped walking and stared. Lucy and Piper held hands and giggled as they slid next to each other down the slide. Once they got to the bottom, they hopped up, ran back around, and flew up the ladder. Zach shook his head and sat down next to me.
“Hey.” He still stared at the playground.
“Hey.”
“Wow.”
“Wow?”
“Them.” He motioned to the playground. “They’re so… big.”
“Well, it’s been five years.” I laughed awkwardly.
His head lowered in shame. “I know. I guess in my mind, I somehow talked myself into thinking that once I left, time just stood still. They wouldn’t age, you wouldn’t move on. You would all just be there, waiting for me to come back one day, and we could just pick back up where we left off.” Finally, his head swept up and looked at me. “That’s selfish, I know.”
I nodded slowly, staring out at the girls. “A little.”
“So… there’s something I’ve thought about often. Something I want to ask, but I don’t want to make you mad.”
My stomach flipped. I didn’t feel like reliving the past or having a deep discussion while sitting on a park bench, watching the girls play. “Okay?” I asked nervously.
He sighed and looked up at the park, narrowing his eyes. “What happened… after I left?”
I frowned at him. “Um—”
“I know it’s a weird request, but I need it. I need to know what happened. I mean, I know you left.” He sat back against the bench and crossed his ankle over his knee, still watching the girls play. “I drove by two weeks later. The house was closed up and a For Rent sign was in the living room window.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing.
He continued, “I sat in the driveway that night and got plastered. If I remember correctly, I think I even slept in my car.”
“What if I had still been there?” I asked quietly, surprising myself.
His head snapped in my direction and I saw him swallow. “I have no idea, Kacie. I like to think I would’ve wised up, come in the house, and dropped to my knees, begging for forgiveness. You would have wrapped your arms around me and told me it would all be okay. We would’ve given the girls dinner, bathed them, and put them to bed together. After they fell asleep we would’ve talked for hours about how to make things better between us, and then we would’ve gone into our room and made love before falling asleep curled around each other.”
My lungs seized up and I had to remind myself to breathe in and out. “That’s a lot of ‘would’ves,’ Zach.”
“It is. It’s also something we’ll never know the answer to, because the truth is, I was a pussy. I was too scared to face my issues and admit my shortcomings to you. I was also weaker than the bottle. It controlled me for a long time. Hell, it still controls me. I fight it every single day and I always will.”
“Mommy! Look at this leaf!” Lucy ran up to us carrying a bright red leaf the size of her head.
“Wow! Look at that!” I said to her, though I was staring at Zach.
His eyes danced all around her face like he was trying to memorize every feature. He swallowed again and started breathing heavy.
“Who are you?” she asked him innocently.
“Uh. I’m… um…” he stuttered, looking back and forth from Lucy to me, unsure of what to say.
“Lucy, this is mommy’s… friend, Zach.” I smiled.
“Hi.” She grinned at him.
His face visibly relaxed a little after my introduction. “Hi, Lucy. Nice to meet you.”
She flashed another smile at him before running off with her leaf to find Piper.
He looked at me wide-eyed. “Holy shit.”
“What?”
That mega-watt smile I remembered from five years ago flashed at me. “She looks just like me.”
I stared at him for a second and rolled my eyes. “Trust me, I know. I’ve been staring at that face every day for six years. That part hasn’t been easy.”
“She has my smile.”
“And your puppy dog eyes.”
I felt him staring at me, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. Something hung in the air between us. Not quite a spark and not quite nothing. It was history. Good or bad, I shared something with him that I didn’t share with any other person on this planet, not even Brody.
“I have to grab something from my car real quick. Be right back.” I stood up and walked twenty feet to my Jeep, knowing I needed nothing but air.
I opened my car door and fiddled around in the center console for something to bring back to the bench.
My cell phone!
I grabbed it and noticed the blinking light, signaling a text message.
B: MISS YOU, MORE.
Oh God. Why did I look at this?
Brody had been calling me “More” since our night on the pier when he told me I was his more. Normally I loved it, but right now, it stung. The guilt built up in me like a volcano. I technically wasn’t doing anything wrong, but I knew that Brody would lose his mind if he knew where I was right now. Alexa was right. I didn’t want to mess this up. I HAD to tell him, just not right now and definitely not through a text message.
I shoved my phone in my pocket and walked back over to the bench. Now, Lucy and Piper were both standing in front of Zach, showing him the leaves they’d collected.
He smiled and held up a yellow leaf as I sat down. “They gave me this one.”
Lucy shoved a red leaf in my lap. “Hold that one, Mom. It’s for Brody.”
“Come on! Let’s go get more!” Piper yelled as the scurried away.
We sat in silence for a minute, both of us watching Lucy and Piper collecting leaves under the tree, not wanting to address the white elephant that flew innocently out of Lucy’s mouth and stomped right through our playdate.
Zach cleared his throat. “So none of your business’s name is really Brody?”
“Yep,” I said softly.
“How long have you guys been together?”
“A few months.”
“Is he really a professional hockey player?”
“Yes.”
“What team?”
“The Wild. He’s the goalie.”
“Brody Murphy?” he exclaimed, sitting up straight.