Rowdy
Page 52
She was crying now, I could feel moisture seeping into my Meteors T-shirt. “I didn’t know how to do anything different. I didn’t know how to do anything. I was always just this little puppet, this perfect daughter honed in my father’s brimstone and fire. I went back to what felt doable and comfortable, and look what it got me.”
“Salem would have helped you out of it. Fuck, so would I if you had called me.” I squeezed her tighter as she started shaking with the force of her sobbing.
“I thought I deserved all of it. I thought it was my punishment for not doing the right things, for not being a good girl. I had sex before getting married and my baby didn’t make it. I thought everything was happening to show me I needed to be better and follow Dad’s orders even more strictly. I thought God hated me and this was the result. The first time Oliver smacked me I really, really thought I must not have atoned enough for my sins. I really, truly believed he was the kind of man I was supposed to be with—that is, what my life was supposed to look like.”
“Jesus, Poppy.” All I could do was shake my head. “We’re all sinners in some way or another. No one should have to bear that kind of burden.”
“My dad saw my face, he could see the bruises. I know that he knew what was happening and he never did anything to stop it or tried to intervene on my behalf. He’s a man of God and he stood by and let his child get beat at the hands of a man that was supposed to love her. I thought for a long time he must believe it was what I deserved as well.”
It was just more reason to hate the man that had forced Salem to run. “What turned it around for you?”
She pulled back and looked up at me all bruised and tearstained and I realized I did in fact love her with all of my heart, but it was in a very caring and very platonic way. She loved me like a brother, so it was only fitting that I loved her as a sister in return.
“A bunch of different things. But the fact that Salem found her way back to you and sounded happy, really truly happy in a way that has been missing since she left, was a big part of it. I realized that time could pass and that life could just keep moving forward for everyone no matter what might have happened in between. I’ve done my penance for any bad choices I might have made and it is my time to be free. I’m never going to be perfect and I’m not going to be punished for them ever again.”
I hugged her tighter and repeated one of Rome’s favorite phrases: “Atta girl.”
I was going to ask her how she knew for a fact that Salem had always wanted me when I heard a dog bark and the door behind me opened up.
“I was worried about you two, so I thought I would poke my head in and see how it was going.”
Jimbo ran in excited circles around my living room as I saw Salem’s eyes go from black to something even darker when she saw that I holding on to her sister. I let my arms drop and took a step back, knowing it probably didn’t look all that great as Poppy hiccuped a little and rubbed her tearstained cheeks.
“It’s better now.” Poppy’s voice was surprisingly clear but Salem looked like she had just tasted something foul and was refusing to meet my gaze.
“Yeah, there was grime knocked off the past and it looks a lot clearer to me now.” I was hoping she would pick up on the subtle undercurrent of my words but she just sucked her bottom lip in between her teeth and twisted the ends of her hair around her finger like she did when she was agitated.
“All right. I need to take Jimbo back home and head downtown.”
Poppy stepped around me after she reached for my hand and gave it one last squeeze. “I’ll take him. I’m still exhausted and I feel like every weight I ever had on my chest is now gone.” She smiled at me lopsided and whistled for the hyper puppy. “It was really good to see you again, Rowdy. I missed you.”
Well, shit. That was the worst thing to say when Salem already looked like she wanted to skin me alive or pack a suitcase and hit the nearest airport. I could see her ready to bolt out the door and possibly my life, so I caught her arm and pulled her to me before she could do anything rash or permanent.
“She was crying and I felt bad for her. I just gave her a hug . . . that’s all.”
“Good. She probably needs as many hugs as she can get.” Her words said one thing but her stiff body language and the way she wouldn’t look at me said another.
“Salem . . .” I put a finger under her chin and forced her to look up at me. “She isn’t you. No one is you and no one has ever been you, so don’t get any crazy ideas, okay?”
She didn’t answer and shook off the hold I had on her arm. “I need to go and so do you. Don’t be late for work, Rowdy.”
“Salem,” She looked at me over her shoulder because she was already out the door. “Don’t leave me again.”
She didn’t say anything and I didn’t call her back as she made her way down the hallway and disappeared.
Like I always said, if it wasn’t for bad luck . . . Of course she would’ve had to show up just when I had my arms around Poppy even if it was totally innocent. I was just going to have to take Asa’s advice and make sure she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was only her. She might not be my first love but she would always be my last love and I understood what that meant now.
CHAPTER 14
Salem
I WASN’T GOING TO leave him—at least not physically—but my mind was a million miles away, and I hated the places it was visiting.
I wasn’t so insecure that I didn’t realize my sister needed all the kindness and love she could get, but that didn’t change the fact that walking in and seeing Rowdy holding her like she was something precious and rare unhinged something inside my heart. I was confident, I was sure that coming after him had been the right choice, but there was fear, gaping and wide in the center of me that there was still a part of him that was going to see Poppy as the safer choice. Plus there were undoubtedly the protective instincts that had to fire up in him at seeing my sister all broken and battered, and I wasn’t absolutely sure that those wouldn’t guide him back to the feelings he may have had in the past. I wanted to be more secure in the relationship we had been developing, wanted the doubt to seem foolish and misplaced, but I just couldn’t get a handle on all of it, and as a result I took the coward’s way out and avoided Rowdy because I just didn’t know what to say to him.
Luckily no one questioned me when I called in sick on Wednesday when we were supposed to be at the new shop together. I knew he was mad because he left me a voice mail telling me so. I made sure I had plans to go out with the girls after work on Thursday so I could avoid him showing up at my place to talk to me, which I was sure he was going to do because he sent me a text threatening to. I even called Sayer to see if she wanted to grab dinner on Friday after work to avoid him even further. I just didn’t know what to say that didn’t make me sound jealous and petty. I also couldn’t even begin to fathom what I would do if those fears were realized and he admitted he still loved my sister and what we had was just a fling.
“Salem would have helped you out of it. Fuck, so would I if you had called me.” I squeezed her tighter as she started shaking with the force of her sobbing.
“I thought I deserved all of it. I thought it was my punishment for not doing the right things, for not being a good girl. I had sex before getting married and my baby didn’t make it. I thought everything was happening to show me I needed to be better and follow Dad’s orders even more strictly. I thought God hated me and this was the result. The first time Oliver smacked me I really, really thought I must not have atoned enough for my sins. I really, truly believed he was the kind of man I was supposed to be with—that is, what my life was supposed to look like.”
“Jesus, Poppy.” All I could do was shake my head. “We’re all sinners in some way or another. No one should have to bear that kind of burden.”
“My dad saw my face, he could see the bruises. I know that he knew what was happening and he never did anything to stop it or tried to intervene on my behalf. He’s a man of God and he stood by and let his child get beat at the hands of a man that was supposed to love her. I thought for a long time he must believe it was what I deserved as well.”
It was just more reason to hate the man that had forced Salem to run. “What turned it around for you?”
She pulled back and looked up at me all bruised and tearstained and I realized I did in fact love her with all of my heart, but it was in a very caring and very platonic way. She loved me like a brother, so it was only fitting that I loved her as a sister in return.
“A bunch of different things. But the fact that Salem found her way back to you and sounded happy, really truly happy in a way that has been missing since she left, was a big part of it. I realized that time could pass and that life could just keep moving forward for everyone no matter what might have happened in between. I’ve done my penance for any bad choices I might have made and it is my time to be free. I’m never going to be perfect and I’m not going to be punished for them ever again.”
I hugged her tighter and repeated one of Rome’s favorite phrases: “Atta girl.”
I was going to ask her how she knew for a fact that Salem had always wanted me when I heard a dog bark and the door behind me opened up.
“I was worried about you two, so I thought I would poke my head in and see how it was going.”
Jimbo ran in excited circles around my living room as I saw Salem’s eyes go from black to something even darker when she saw that I holding on to her sister. I let my arms drop and took a step back, knowing it probably didn’t look all that great as Poppy hiccuped a little and rubbed her tearstained cheeks.
“It’s better now.” Poppy’s voice was surprisingly clear but Salem looked like she had just tasted something foul and was refusing to meet my gaze.
“Yeah, there was grime knocked off the past and it looks a lot clearer to me now.” I was hoping she would pick up on the subtle undercurrent of my words but she just sucked her bottom lip in between her teeth and twisted the ends of her hair around her finger like she did when she was agitated.
“All right. I need to take Jimbo back home and head downtown.”
Poppy stepped around me after she reached for my hand and gave it one last squeeze. “I’ll take him. I’m still exhausted and I feel like every weight I ever had on my chest is now gone.” She smiled at me lopsided and whistled for the hyper puppy. “It was really good to see you again, Rowdy. I missed you.”
Well, shit. That was the worst thing to say when Salem already looked like she wanted to skin me alive or pack a suitcase and hit the nearest airport. I could see her ready to bolt out the door and possibly my life, so I caught her arm and pulled her to me before she could do anything rash or permanent.
“She was crying and I felt bad for her. I just gave her a hug . . . that’s all.”
“Good. She probably needs as many hugs as she can get.” Her words said one thing but her stiff body language and the way she wouldn’t look at me said another.
“Salem . . .” I put a finger under her chin and forced her to look up at me. “She isn’t you. No one is you and no one has ever been you, so don’t get any crazy ideas, okay?”
She didn’t answer and shook off the hold I had on her arm. “I need to go and so do you. Don’t be late for work, Rowdy.”
“Salem,” She looked at me over her shoulder because she was already out the door. “Don’t leave me again.”
She didn’t say anything and I didn’t call her back as she made her way down the hallway and disappeared.
Like I always said, if it wasn’t for bad luck . . . Of course she would’ve had to show up just when I had my arms around Poppy even if it was totally innocent. I was just going to have to take Asa’s advice and make sure she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was only her. She might not be my first love but she would always be my last love and I understood what that meant now.
CHAPTER 14
Salem
I WASN’T GOING TO leave him—at least not physically—but my mind was a million miles away, and I hated the places it was visiting.
I wasn’t so insecure that I didn’t realize my sister needed all the kindness and love she could get, but that didn’t change the fact that walking in and seeing Rowdy holding her like she was something precious and rare unhinged something inside my heart. I was confident, I was sure that coming after him had been the right choice, but there was fear, gaping and wide in the center of me that there was still a part of him that was going to see Poppy as the safer choice. Plus there were undoubtedly the protective instincts that had to fire up in him at seeing my sister all broken and battered, and I wasn’t absolutely sure that those wouldn’t guide him back to the feelings he may have had in the past. I wanted to be more secure in the relationship we had been developing, wanted the doubt to seem foolish and misplaced, but I just couldn’t get a handle on all of it, and as a result I took the coward’s way out and avoided Rowdy because I just didn’t know what to say to him.
Luckily no one questioned me when I called in sick on Wednesday when we were supposed to be at the new shop together. I knew he was mad because he left me a voice mail telling me so. I made sure I had plans to go out with the girls after work on Thursday so I could avoid him showing up at my place to talk to me, which I was sure he was going to do because he sent me a text threatening to. I even called Sayer to see if she wanted to grab dinner on Friday after work to avoid him even further. I just didn’t know what to say that didn’t make me sound jealous and petty. I also couldn’t even begin to fathom what I would do if those fears were realized and he admitted he still loved my sister and what we had was just a fling.
