Rushing the Goal
Page 119
Damn it.
When she met Benji’s gaze in the rearview mirror, her lip trembled as he tried to send her a smile. His gaze was so tender, so loving, but she could see the worry in the depths of his gray eyes. Her heart just couldn’t take it. He was too good to them. Holding Angie closer, she closed her eyes and she knew Benji was there. He was going to be the rock she needed.
Together, they were going to be okay.
“I feel guilty.”
Benji sensed Jordie looking over at him as Melissa, the AA leader, met his gaze. “Why is that, Benji? You look great. You seem so much happier, so much more open than the last time I saw you. It’s almost like I’m seeing a whole different person.”
She was beaming, excited, and he knew her words were true. Because he was. He hadn’t seen her since they played the Kings at the beginning of the season. Both Benji and Jordie really liked the LA AA chapter and made sure to stop in when they were in town, but in this meeting, Benji’s heart was heavy.
“She’s right, dude. What in the world do you have to feel guilty about?”
“I know, but I met someone—Lucy,” he said, more to Melissa and the three other professional hockey players who sat in the room. Another thing he liked about this chapter was it was only for athletes. Last time, there were some football and baseball players, but apparently they had stopped coming. It was sad, but it happened all the time.
Alcoholism wasn’t easy to beat.
“She’s spectacular and we click. She makes me laugh and she’s just awesome,” he said, his lips curving into a grin. “She has this little girl, Angie, who just lights up my world. I’ve been gone six days, and she FaceTimes me every day when she gets home, just to tell me how her day was. She looks forward to talking to me, and I love it. I love them. So damn much, but I feel so bad because I think Lucy is my soul mate, that they were meant to be in my life and to love me. And for me to love them. But if that is the case, then what about Ava and Leary? Am I disrespecting them by thinking that? By thinking that Lucy and Angie are the loves of my life? Because, looking back, I know Ava wasn’t the one, she was the safe option, but I feel horrible for that.”
Melissa nodded slowly as Jordie leaned on his legs. “But, didn’t you say before that you know you and Ava should have divorced before the accident, but you couldn’t let her go?”
“I didn’t want to be alone,” Benji said with a nod. “But I feel like I’m not honoring their memory by falling so hard for Lucy and Angie.”
“But you are, Benji,” Melissa said, bringing his attention to her. “You still think of them, you still miss them, and I’m sure Lucy and Angie know about them.”
He nodded. “They do.”
“Exactly. So you are doing right, Benji. You have to move on. You can’t let the past hold you down.”
“No, I’m not. I am moving on. I love Lucy, I love Angie, that’s not the problem—”
“Have you told them?”
He paused. “No.”
“Why not?”
He shrugged, shaking his head. “I don’t want to say it and scare her. She’ll think I’m moving too fast.”
“Or is it because you’ve never told anyone but Ava and Leary you loved them?” she asked, holding his gaze, and he swallowed hard. He hadn’t thought of that, but that didn’t seem right. If he wasn’t ready to move on, then he wouldn’t feel the way he did for Lucy and Angie.
“No. Lucy was in a shit relationship. She’s divorced now. And she was so hesitant about being with me that I think the reason why I haven’t told them is because I don’t want her to freak out on me. I still love Leary and Ava, I will always love them, but I know I am moving on. I just have this guilt I can’t seem to shake, and I don’t know what to do.”
“I think it’s because you haven’t fully forgiven yourself for the accident,” Jordie said before Melissa could say anything. “I think you still think you don’t deserve this love, these girls.”
Benji nodded, meeting his friend’s gaze. “Absolutely.”
“Well, until you forgive yourself, Benji, you’ll never be able to shake the guilt,” Melissa said. “Just look how far you’ve come. You are the poster boy for recovery. I love your story, and it pleases me to no end that you have found love again. I want you to remember how much you deserve this. Deserve them. And I want you to forgive yourself.”
Biting the inside of his cheek, he looked away as he shrugged. “I’m trying.”
“That’s all you can do,” she said. But was it enough?
Was he not trying hard enough?
Moving the puck back and forth behind the goal, Benji waited as new forwards hit the ice. He noticed that the Kings took that chance for a fresh line too. Clearly this was the time to go. Banking the puck against the boards, hard, it went center ice where he thought Erik would grab it, but he didn’t.
Jude Sinclair did.
“Fuck!” he yelled, coming out and rushing toward him to block him since Jayden had been at the blue line, waiting for Benji to come out. Jude was on a mission, though, and when he went to shoot, Benji dropped down, using his body as the puck came crashing into his chest guard.
Still knocked the breath out of him, though.
Luckily, Jayden had made it back, getting the rebound off of him and taking the puck up as Benji slowly got up, wheezing for breath. Skating toward the bench, he climbed over as the whistle blew. When he heard singing, he turned to see Jude, singing with his gaze on him.
When she met Benji’s gaze in the rearview mirror, her lip trembled as he tried to send her a smile. His gaze was so tender, so loving, but she could see the worry in the depths of his gray eyes. Her heart just couldn’t take it. He was too good to them. Holding Angie closer, she closed her eyes and she knew Benji was there. He was going to be the rock she needed.
Together, they were going to be okay.
“I feel guilty.”
Benji sensed Jordie looking over at him as Melissa, the AA leader, met his gaze. “Why is that, Benji? You look great. You seem so much happier, so much more open than the last time I saw you. It’s almost like I’m seeing a whole different person.”
She was beaming, excited, and he knew her words were true. Because he was. He hadn’t seen her since they played the Kings at the beginning of the season. Both Benji and Jordie really liked the LA AA chapter and made sure to stop in when they were in town, but in this meeting, Benji’s heart was heavy.
“She’s right, dude. What in the world do you have to feel guilty about?”
“I know, but I met someone—Lucy,” he said, more to Melissa and the three other professional hockey players who sat in the room. Another thing he liked about this chapter was it was only for athletes. Last time, there were some football and baseball players, but apparently they had stopped coming. It was sad, but it happened all the time.
Alcoholism wasn’t easy to beat.
“She’s spectacular and we click. She makes me laugh and she’s just awesome,” he said, his lips curving into a grin. “She has this little girl, Angie, who just lights up my world. I’ve been gone six days, and she FaceTimes me every day when she gets home, just to tell me how her day was. She looks forward to talking to me, and I love it. I love them. So damn much, but I feel so bad because I think Lucy is my soul mate, that they were meant to be in my life and to love me. And for me to love them. But if that is the case, then what about Ava and Leary? Am I disrespecting them by thinking that? By thinking that Lucy and Angie are the loves of my life? Because, looking back, I know Ava wasn’t the one, she was the safe option, but I feel horrible for that.”
Melissa nodded slowly as Jordie leaned on his legs. “But, didn’t you say before that you know you and Ava should have divorced before the accident, but you couldn’t let her go?”
“I didn’t want to be alone,” Benji said with a nod. “But I feel like I’m not honoring their memory by falling so hard for Lucy and Angie.”
“But you are, Benji,” Melissa said, bringing his attention to her. “You still think of them, you still miss them, and I’m sure Lucy and Angie know about them.”
He nodded. “They do.”
“Exactly. So you are doing right, Benji. You have to move on. You can’t let the past hold you down.”
“No, I’m not. I am moving on. I love Lucy, I love Angie, that’s not the problem—”
“Have you told them?”
He paused. “No.”
“Why not?”
He shrugged, shaking his head. “I don’t want to say it and scare her. She’ll think I’m moving too fast.”
“Or is it because you’ve never told anyone but Ava and Leary you loved them?” she asked, holding his gaze, and he swallowed hard. He hadn’t thought of that, but that didn’t seem right. If he wasn’t ready to move on, then he wouldn’t feel the way he did for Lucy and Angie.
“No. Lucy was in a shit relationship. She’s divorced now. And she was so hesitant about being with me that I think the reason why I haven’t told them is because I don’t want her to freak out on me. I still love Leary and Ava, I will always love them, but I know I am moving on. I just have this guilt I can’t seem to shake, and I don’t know what to do.”
“I think it’s because you haven’t fully forgiven yourself for the accident,” Jordie said before Melissa could say anything. “I think you still think you don’t deserve this love, these girls.”
Benji nodded, meeting his friend’s gaze. “Absolutely.”
“Well, until you forgive yourself, Benji, you’ll never be able to shake the guilt,” Melissa said. “Just look how far you’ve come. You are the poster boy for recovery. I love your story, and it pleases me to no end that you have found love again. I want you to remember how much you deserve this. Deserve them. And I want you to forgive yourself.”
Biting the inside of his cheek, he looked away as he shrugged. “I’m trying.”
“That’s all you can do,” she said. But was it enough?
Was he not trying hard enough?
Moving the puck back and forth behind the goal, Benji waited as new forwards hit the ice. He noticed that the Kings took that chance for a fresh line too. Clearly this was the time to go. Banking the puck against the boards, hard, it went center ice where he thought Erik would grab it, but he didn’t.
Jude Sinclair did.
“Fuck!” he yelled, coming out and rushing toward him to block him since Jayden had been at the blue line, waiting for Benji to come out. Jude was on a mission, though, and when he went to shoot, Benji dropped down, using his body as the puck came crashing into his chest guard.
Still knocked the breath out of him, though.
Luckily, Jayden had made it back, getting the rebound off of him and taking the puck up as Benji slowly got up, wheezing for breath. Skating toward the bench, he climbed over as the whistle blew. When he heard singing, he turned to see Jude, singing with his gaze on him.
