Rushing the Goal
Page 28
“I feel good. Even after over eleven years of being sober, I’m still good.”
The group clapped and Benji’s lips quirked a bit. He had been coming to this group for the last two years. Jordie had joined it last year, and it was nice to share this with someone he trusted. When they were on the road, they always found a group and would go together. It was great, it really was. It was new to have a friend who could help support him as he did the same for that friend.
Bethany smiled. “Good. Do you have anything you want to share?”
Drawing in a long breath, he blew it out slowly.
“I was turned down last night,” he said, and once he said it, he wasn’t sure why he was sharing this. But then, he knew why. This group was his family. All of them had been over a year sober. Jordie was the youngest in the sober game, and people had come in and out, but the nine people who looked at him knew his deepest, darkest secrets. And he knew theirs.
Like how Phil was fighting day-by-day against his addiction. It had been really bad lately because his wife left him for another man. Joanna watched her mother blow her face off and still hadn’t recovered. She said she had given up the powder, but Benji sometimes thought she was lying. Gabe was the oldest out of all of them, twenty-seven years sober, and he was so close to God, Benji was sure there was a seat right next to the big guy for him.
These were his people, and as they looked at him with worry in their eyes, he knew why he’d said something. “I’ve been helping coach hockey for a group of girls the last couple days, and they are great. I love it. I didn’t realize how much I needed to do something like that until I was out there.”
“Doesn’t that hurt, though? Doesn’t it remind you of Leary?” Ruby asked. She had come to the group a few months before Jordie. She didn’t share much, but she sure as hell listened. She had hit on him a few times, but he had to worry about his own sobriety; he didn’t think he could worry about someone else’s too.
“Yeah, it does. But in a way, it’s therapeutic ’cause I feel like this is what I would have been doing now—with my own daughter.”
“Good,” Bethany said with a smile. “You need to get out Benji. Socialize.”
He nodded. “I know, and I am. I went out to dinner with friends the other night, and well, I even asked a girl out.”
“Oh, Benji, that’s wonderful. Does she know the Lord?” Gabe asked and Benji smiled.
“I don’t know yet. She turned me down.” They all gasped, well, except Jordie, and Benji shrugged.
“How did that make you feel?” Bethany asked and he shrugged again, leaning on his knees.
“I didn’t like it obviously ’cause I knew she wanted to,” he said, and Jordie tapped his thigh.
“How’d you know? You don’t talk well with women, nor can you read them right. So hearing this, I’m sorry, dude, but I’m holding back my laughter.”
Benji smiled back at him and nodded. “She’s different. I mean, right off the bat, I knew I wanted to know her. And the way she looks at me, it’s just special, you know? But she shot me down, and I’m sure it’s ’cause something is holding her back. Maybe her daughter.”
“Her kid plays on the team?”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“I could understand her hesitation, then. I’m sure she worries that if things end badly with you two, then it would be awkward for her daughter,” Bethany added, and Benji got that, he did, but that would never happen. He would never treat Angie any differently. He just wanted a chance. He still couldn’t shake that look in Lucy’s eyes. She wanted him, and he didn’t know how to reassure her that, no matter what happened, he’d always do right by Angie. “I see it on your face, Benji. This is bothering you.”
He shrugged. “It’s just frustrating. I finally meet someone who makes me want to try, and she shoots me down.”
Jordie scoffed beside him. “And you’re gonna give up? That doesn’t seem like you.”
Benji looked over at him. “I just worry that maybe it’s a sign, that I’m not supposed to be happy.”
“No, son. God wants us all to love our life. He has a plan for you, son. Maybe it’s not her, but then, maybe it is,” Gabe said, his old eyes holding Benji’s. “You just gotta pray on it.”
“He’s right,” Jordie said. “But, dude, you are supposed to be happy, you know that. We’ve had this talk many times. You have to make your happiness. Surround yourself with people who do that. You’ve done it professionally, and if this girl seems different, then you can’t give up.”
Jordie made it seem so easy, but Benji knew it wasn’t.
Not when the girl was Lucy.
He just didn’t understand why she’d lied to him. Why she’d looked him in the eyes and said no. He could see it all over her sweet face. The way her lips parted, the way her body arched toward his. Her eyes were dark emeralds, and they narrowed like a cat that was being stroked to oblivion. She wanted him. Damn bad. And fuck, he wanted her.
But along with the lust in her eyes, he could see the hesitation. The hurt. Her backstory, the reason why hurt and hesitation were in her eyes wasn’t for the fainthearted. He could see that and he hated it. He knew his story was one hell of one, but his was only his fault. He deserved his hurt. But someone had hurt her, and that didn’t sit well with him. He didn’t want anyone causing her pain, nor Angie. He cared for them.
The group clapped and Benji’s lips quirked a bit. He had been coming to this group for the last two years. Jordie had joined it last year, and it was nice to share this with someone he trusted. When they were on the road, they always found a group and would go together. It was great, it really was. It was new to have a friend who could help support him as he did the same for that friend.
Bethany smiled. “Good. Do you have anything you want to share?”
Drawing in a long breath, he blew it out slowly.
“I was turned down last night,” he said, and once he said it, he wasn’t sure why he was sharing this. But then, he knew why. This group was his family. All of them had been over a year sober. Jordie was the youngest in the sober game, and people had come in and out, but the nine people who looked at him knew his deepest, darkest secrets. And he knew theirs.
Like how Phil was fighting day-by-day against his addiction. It had been really bad lately because his wife left him for another man. Joanna watched her mother blow her face off and still hadn’t recovered. She said she had given up the powder, but Benji sometimes thought she was lying. Gabe was the oldest out of all of them, twenty-seven years sober, and he was so close to God, Benji was sure there was a seat right next to the big guy for him.
These were his people, and as they looked at him with worry in their eyes, he knew why he’d said something. “I’ve been helping coach hockey for a group of girls the last couple days, and they are great. I love it. I didn’t realize how much I needed to do something like that until I was out there.”
“Doesn’t that hurt, though? Doesn’t it remind you of Leary?” Ruby asked. She had come to the group a few months before Jordie. She didn’t share much, but she sure as hell listened. She had hit on him a few times, but he had to worry about his own sobriety; he didn’t think he could worry about someone else’s too.
“Yeah, it does. But in a way, it’s therapeutic ’cause I feel like this is what I would have been doing now—with my own daughter.”
“Good,” Bethany said with a smile. “You need to get out Benji. Socialize.”
He nodded. “I know, and I am. I went out to dinner with friends the other night, and well, I even asked a girl out.”
“Oh, Benji, that’s wonderful. Does she know the Lord?” Gabe asked and Benji smiled.
“I don’t know yet. She turned me down.” They all gasped, well, except Jordie, and Benji shrugged.
“How did that make you feel?” Bethany asked and he shrugged again, leaning on his knees.
“I didn’t like it obviously ’cause I knew she wanted to,” he said, and Jordie tapped his thigh.
“How’d you know? You don’t talk well with women, nor can you read them right. So hearing this, I’m sorry, dude, but I’m holding back my laughter.”
Benji smiled back at him and nodded. “She’s different. I mean, right off the bat, I knew I wanted to know her. And the way she looks at me, it’s just special, you know? But she shot me down, and I’m sure it’s ’cause something is holding her back. Maybe her daughter.”
“Her kid plays on the team?”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“I could understand her hesitation, then. I’m sure she worries that if things end badly with you two, then it would be awkward for her daughter,” Bethany added, and Benji got that, he did, but that would never happen. He would never treat Angie any differently. He just wanted a chance. He still couldn’t shake that look in Lucy’s eyes. She wanted him, and he didn’t know how to reassure her that, no matter what happened, he’d always do right by Angie. “I see it on your face, Benji. This is bothering you.”
He shrugged. “It’s just frustrating. I finally meet someone who makes me want to try, and she shoots me down.”
Jordie scoffed beside him. “And you’re gonna give up? That doesn’t seem like you.”
Benji looked over at him. “I just worry that maybe it’s a sign, that I’m not supposed to be happy.”
“No, son. God wants us all to love our life. He has a plan for you, son. Maybe it’s not her, but then, maybe it is,” Gabe said, his old eyes holding Benji’s. “You just gotta pray on it.”
“He’s right,” Jordie said. “But, dude, you are supposed to be happy, you know that. We’ve had this talk many times. You have to make your happiness. Surround yourself with people who do that. You’ve done it professionally, and if this girl seems different, then you can’t give up.”
Jordie made it seem so easy, but Benji knew it wasn’t.
Not when the girl was Lucy.
He just didn’t understand why she’d lied to him. Why she’d looked him in the eyes and said no. He could see it all over her sweet face. The way her lips parted, the way her body arched toward his. Her eyes were dark emeralds, and they narrowed like a cat that was being stroked to oblivion. She wanted him. Damn bad. And fuck, he wanted her.
But along with the lust in her eyes, he could see the hesitation. The hurt. Her backstory, the reason why hurt and hesitation were in her eyes wasn’t for the fainthearted. He could see that and he hated it. He knew his story was one hell of one, but his was only his fault. He deserved his hurt. But someone had hurt her, and that didn’t sit well with him. He didn’t want anyone causing her pain, nor Angie. He cared for them.
