Rushing the Goal
Page 71
Wow, she really cared for this guy.
Because one look in his grief-stricken gaze and she wanted to fix it. She wanted to make everything better. She wanted the grin, the teasing—she wanted her Benji back.
Not this nervous ball of regret.
“It’s okay, Benji, really. You aren’t that person anymore. I seriously didn’t ever think you could have done anything like that. You’re so upstanding, so great. Really,” she said, cupping his face and flashing him a small smile. “You beat it. You’re clean. How many people can actually say they did that? Not many, but you can, and I’m so proud of you.” He leaned into her hand and stared into her eyes, his eyes searching hers as he took in gulps of air. “God, smile, Benji. You’re killing me.”
His lips curved, but it didn’t meet his eyes. It was almost like he was struggling with something. Like he was holding something back, and she didn’t know why. It was crazy how easy it had become to read him in such a short amount of time. But she could, and he was killing her.
As he reached for her hand, lacing her fingers with his, he brought the back of her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. When he looked back into her eyes, something shifted between them as her heart ached for him. She wasn’t sure what it was, but she knew she cared about him enough to want to fix him.
To make him smile.
How did he do this to her? How did he become so important so quickly? Maybe she should take a step back. Maybe this was moving too fast. But it felt right.
So fucking right.
“I never thought I could ever feel like this again. Happy.” His voice was so stricken that her eyes welled up with tears.
“Me either. But please stop looking like I’m about to bust a move out of here.”
He scoffed. “You’re not?”
“No!” she screeched, her lips curving. “You’re an alcoholic—you admit that and you didn’t hide it. You were honest and I appreciate that. I’m so proud of you. Why would I run?” Looking away, he slowly shook his head and her heart sank. “What is it, Benji?”
“Maybe it’s too early to go so deep?” he asked as he glanced up at her.
She sucked in a breath. “I mean, we haven’t gone on our first official date, but we’ve bumped uglies a few times and—”
“Bumped uglies?”
She made a face, unsure why she phrased it like that. Damn those younger brothers of hers and their crass language. “I’m freaking out here. But I will listen if you want to talk. If you don’t, then I’ll try to let it go. I’m not guaranteeing I can since I’m a nosy thing, but I’ll try.”
His lips curved as he took her by the back of her head, bringing her face to his, kissing her forehead. “You’re so adorable, you know?”
“I think my brothers say I’m insane.”
“That too,” he agreed, kissing her once more, taking her hand in his as she smiled. “I want to tell you, I do. But maybe right now isn’t the time.”
“Tell me what?”
“Why I cleaned up,” he said simply as she pulled back, meeting his eyes.
Holding his gaze, she nodded. “Does it have to do with this?”
She pointed to his chest and he looked down, nodding slowly. “Yeah.”
Chewing on her lip, she wanted to know. God, she wanted to know, but…
“Why wouldn’t now be the right time?”
He shook his head. “’Cause we’ve only been talking a week, and I don’t want to ruin our good time. The good thing that is coming from this.”
She understood what he was saying, and he was right. They were having a great night, lots of sharing and fun, but she needed to know.
Looking up, she met his remorseful gaze, and despite the heavy feeling in her gut, she whispered, “Tell me.”
She just hoped her gut wasn’t right—that this wouldn’t end them.
Benji wasn’t sure how this was going to go.
She was breathing deeply, apprehension radiating from her, and she almost looked like she was seeing him in a different light already. Which was not what he wanted, but maybe that’s how it was going to be. Either way, he had to be honest.
“Benji?” she asked, probably because he was trying to choose his words and was just sitting there, the only sounds their breaths and the jets of the tub. This wasn’t supposed to happen yet. They were supposed to have fun, tub sex, cuddle, and be together, but of course, he had to be truthful. He couldn’t hide what he did; she meant more to him than for her to find out some shitty way later.
When she took his hand, she squeezed it. “Don’t mistake my freaking out as anything more than that. I’m freaking out because I’m worried about you. I’m worried that you’re scared this could end what we have.”
“You’re right,” he admitted, looking up at her. “I tell people and they run the other way.”
Her eyes widened but she didn’t let his hand go. “Jesus, what the hell happened?”
Taking in a long breath, he looked at their hands as one and prayed to the God he loved and believed in that she wouldn’t run. She couldn’t. He couldn’t handle it. She meant way too much to him, and it would be almost cruel to take her away now. But then, maybe that was his punishment—wave the woman, the life he wanted in front of his face, and then snatch it out of his grip.
God, he was so fucking scared.
Because one look in his grief-stricken gaze and she wanted to fix it. She wanted to make everything better. She wanted the grin, the teasing—she wanted her Benji back.
Not this nervous ball of regret.
“It’s okay, Benji, really. You aren’t that person anymore. I seriously didn’t ever think you could have done anything like that. You’re so upstanding, so great. Really,” she said, cupping his face and flashing him a small smile. “You beat it. You’re clean. How many people can actually say they did that? Not many, but you can, and I’m so proud of you.” He leaned into her hand and stared into her eyes, his eyes searching hers as he took in gulps of air. “God, smile, Benji. You’re killing me.”
His lips curved, but it didn’t meet his eyes. It was almost like he was struggling with something. Like he was holding something back, and she didn’t know why. It was crazy how easy it had become to read him in such a short amount of time. But she could, and he was killing her.
As he reached for her hand, lacing her fingers with his, he brought the back of her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. When he looked back into her eyes, something shifted between them as her heart ached for him. She wasn’t sure what it was, but she knew she cared about him enough to want to fix him.
To make him smile.
How did he do this to her? How did he become so important so quickly? Maybe she should take a step back. Maybe this was moving too fast. But it felt right.
So fucking right.
“I never thought I could ever feel like this again. Happy.” His voice was so stricken that her eyes welled up with tears.
“Me either. But please stop looking like I’m about to bust a move out of here.”
He scoffed. “You’re not?”
“No!” she screeched, her lips curving. “You’re an alcoholic—you admit that and you didn’t hide it. You were honest and I appreciate that. I’m so proud of you. Why would I run?” Looking away, he slowly shook his head and her heart sank. “What is it, Benji?”
“Maybe it’s too early to go so deep?” he asked as he glanced up at her.
She sucked in a breath. “I mean, we haven’t gone on our first official date, but we’ve bumped uglies a few times and—”
“Bumped uglies?”
She made a face, unsure why she phrased it like that. Damn those younger brothers of hers and their crass language. “I’m freaking out here. But I will listen if you want to talk. If you don’t, then I’ll try to let it go. I’m not guaranteeing I can since I’m a nosy thing, but I’ll try.”
His lips curved as he took her by the back of her head, bringing her face to his, kissing her forehead. “You’re so adorable, you know?”
“I think my brothers say I’m insane.”
“That too,” he agreed, kissing her once more, taking her hand in his as she smiled. “I want to tell you, I do. But maybe right now isn’t the time.”
“Tell me what?”
“Why I cleaned up,” he said simply as she pulled back, meeting his eyes.
Holding his gaze, she nodded. “Does it have to do with this?”
She pointed to his chest and he looked down, nodding slowly. “Yeah.”
Chewing on her lip, she wanted to know. God, she wanted to know, but…
“Why wouldn’t now be the right time?”
He shook his head. “’Cause we’ve only been talking a week, and I don’t want to ruin our good time. The good thing that is coming from this.”
She understood what he was saying, and he was right. They were having a great night, lots of sharing and fun, but she needed to know.
Looking up, she met his remorseful gaze, and despite the heavy feeling in her gut, she whispered, “Tell me.”
She just hoped her gut wasn’t right—that this wouldn’t end them.
Benji wasn’t sure how this was going to go.
She was breathing deeply, apprehension radiating from her, and she almost looked like she was seeing him in a different light already. Which was not what he wanted, but maybe that’s how it was going to be. Either way, he had to be honest.
“Benji?” she asked, probably because he was trying to choose his words and was just sitting there, the only sounds their breaths and the jets of the tub. This wasn’t supposed to happen yet. They were supposed to have fun, tub sex, cuddle, and be together, but of course, he had to be truthful. He couldn’t hide what he did; she meant more to him than for her to find out some shitty way later.
When she took his hand, she squeezed it. “Don’t mistake my freaking out as anything more than that. I’m freaking out because I’m worried about you. I’m worried that you’re scared this could end what we have.”
“You’re right,” he admitted, looking up at her. “I tell people and they run the other way.”
Her eyes widened but she didn’t let his hand go. “Jesus, what the hell happened?”
Taking in a long breath, he looked at their hands as one and prayed to the God he loved and believed in that she wouldn’t run. She couldn’t. He couldn’t handle it. She meant way too much to him, and it would be almost cruel to take her away now. But then, maybe that was his punishment—wave the woman, the life he wanted in front of his face, and then snatch it out of his grip.
God, he was so fucking scared.
