Rushing the Goal
Page 73
Swallowing hard, he closed his eyes. “I promised her I would change, and she said, I’ve heard that before. But this time was different. Somehow I got up, I went to the closest church, and I prayed. I prayed so fucking hard, it hurt. I asked for forgiveness, not only from the Lord, but from Ava, Leary, and Silas. When I opened my eyes, I knew what I had to do. I took a cab to the nearest rehab center and I checked myself in.”
Pulling back, she looked at him, tears streaming down her face as he spoke the words that choked him on the way out. “Never touched another drink another day in my life. Never wanted it. Never wanted to disrespect their names, since I had already taken their lives.”
“You didn’t take their lives, Benji. It wasn’t your fault,” she tried, but he shook his head. He had heard that plenty of times.
“If I hadn’t been drunk, I could have driven my family home. My seventeen-year-old brother wouldn’t have had to drive on the interstate where he wasn’t comfortable. It’s my fault they are dead and I’ve coped with it, but I turned into a hermit because I blame myself so bad. I always knew that someone would come along and wake me up, make me happy again. And I don’t want to scare you, Lucy, I don’t, but I believe that person is you.” Her eyes widened and, shit, why did he say that? Before he knew what he was doing, he was stammering out words. “Wow, okay, sorry. I just got carried away there. Please—”
“Don’t apologize,” she demanded, holding his face. “But you listen to me right now.”
He met her gaze. Her eyes were full of tears, her mouth parted, her nose red from her crying.
For him.
For Ava and Leary.
“First, please tell me that you like me for me and not because Angie and I remind you of Leary and Ava.” Her eyes were wild, and fear settled deep in his chest as he quickly shook his head, his eyes widening.
“God, no, not at all. It’s been twelve years since I lost them. I promise, I was attracted to you for you. I saw you first. I saw your eyes, Lucy. It was you, not you guys as a package—that’s just a bonus. I promise. I can’t replace what I lost, I know that, but I want to be happy. I want to love my life.”
“Then you can’t fucking blame yourself, Benji,” she said, her hands tightening on his face. “This fucking sucks, and I hate that you have suffered this kind of loss. I do. It hurts my soul. No one should have to go through that, but, Benji, it is not your fault. Yes, you were a drunk, you fucked up, but you did not kill them. Yeah, shoulda-coulda-woulda, but you have to stop blaming yourself or you will never move on. Believe me, I know. Totally different situation, but you can’t blame yourself.”
He swallowed thickly. “I know, but it’s hard.”
“And I don’t doubt that. I can’t imagine. But you will never be happy until you are at peace with what happened.”
“I’m happy with you,” he whispered, holding her gaze, and her face contorted in pain.
“But are you using me to mask that pain?”
His brows came together, his lips twisting in confusion. “No, not at all. I blame myself,” he said, and her eyes pleaded with his, needing to know that he wasn’t bullshitting her. “But I’ve coped. I accepted that I can’t change what happened. I understand that it was out of my control. I still believe I should have done something different, but I want to move on. I want to be happy. I’m so tired of being lonely and sad. I’ve been trying to find someone, but no one has stuck, Lucy. Then you came along. And you make me feel things I’ve never felt in my whole adult life.”
Her eyes searched his, and she bit into her lip before nodding slowly. “I just worry that we’ll get too far into this, and then you won’t be able to feel what you need to feel for me.”
He knew what she was saying and he understood, but what she didn’t know was that he was already falling in love with her. He couldn’t tell her that, she wasn’t ready, but he had to reassure her that he was good.
“Losing them, my family, sucked. No other words can adequately describe it. Being alone, dating people and not clicking with them, blows. If finding you had happened a year or two ago, I could completely understand your worry, and you are completely right to have it. But Lucy, I’ve known you for two weeks, and in these two weeks, I’ve never been so damn happy in my life. I get excited to wake up, to talk to you, I love helping Angie on the ice, and seeing you does things to my heart. So please don’t worry about me not being into this. Us. I am so into us.”
Her lip wobbled and she closed her eyes. Opening them again, she held his gaze as she sucked in a deep breath. Then, with all the strength in the world, she said, “I don’t trust people. Ever. The grown men I loved, trusted, needed, depended on, both fucked me over. Badly. And I haven’t recovered from it. Then you came along… And I trust you, Benji. So I’m going to say, okay, I’m going to believe you and I’m gonna trust that you have my best interests in mind. But I swear to God, you fuck me, you break my heart, I will skin you alive.”
He couldn’t help it, he grinned as he leaned his forehead to hers. “I don’t make promises lightly, Lucy, not since Ava, as you can understand. But I promise I will not hurt you. I promised your brother that, and I have no problem promising the same to you.”
Her lip wobbled again. “You did?”
“I did.”
Wrapping her arms around him, she hugged him tightly and his eyes drifted shut. Holding her as she straddled his lap, he kissed her temple and then her cheek as she clung to him.
Pulling back, she looked at him, tears streaming down her face as he spoke the words that choked him on the way out. “Never touched another drink another day in my life. Never wanted it. Never wanted to disrespect their names, since I had already taken their lives.”
“You didn’t take their lives, Benji. It wasn’t your fault,” she tried, but he shook his head. He had heard that plenty of times.
“If I hadn’t been drunk, I could have driven my family home. My seventeen-year-old brother wouldn’t have had to drive on the interstate where he wasn’t comfortable. It’s my fault they are dead and I’ve coped with it, but I turned into a hermit because I blame myself so bad. I always knew that someone would come along and wake me up, make me happy again. And I don’t want to scare you, Lucy, I don’t, but I believe that person is you.” Her eyes widened and, shit, why did he say that? Before he knew what he was doing, he was stammering out words. “Wow, okay, sorry. I just got carried away there. Please—”
“Don’t apologize,” she demanded, holding his face. “But you listen to me right now.”
He met her gaze. Her eyes were full of tears, her mouth parted, her nose red from her crying.
For him.
For Ava and Leary.
“First, please tell me that you like me for me and not because Angie and I remind you of Leary and Ava.” Her eyes were wild, and fear settled deep in his chest as he quickly shook his head, his eyes widening.
“God, no, not at all. It’s been twelve years since I lost them. I promise, I was attracted to you for you. I saw you first. I saw your eyes, Lucy. It was you, not you guys as a package—that’s just a bonus. I promise. I can’t replace what I lost, I know that, but I want to be happy. I want to love my life.”
“Then you can’t fucking blame yourself, Benji,” she said, her hands tightening on his face. “This fucking sucks, and I hate that you have suffered this kind of loss. I do. It hurts my soul. No one should have to go through that, but, Benji, it is not your fault. Yes, you were a drunk, you fucked up, but you did not kill them. Yeah, shoulda-coulda-woulda, but you have to stop blaming yourself or you will never move on. Believe me, I know. Totally different situation, but you can’t blame yourself.”
He swallowed thickly. “I know, but it’s hard.”
“And I don’t doubt that. I can’t imagine. But you will never be happy until you are at peace with what happened.”
“I’m happy with you,” he whispered, holding her gaze, and her face contorted in pain.
“But are you using me to mask that pain?”
His brows came together, his lips twisting in confusion. “No, not at all. I blame myself,” he said, and her eyes pleaded with his, needing to know that he wasn’t bullshitting her. “But I’ve coped. I accepted that I can’t change what happened. I understand that it was out of my control. I still believe I should have done something different, but I want to move on. I want to be happy. I’m so tired of being lonely and sad. I’ve been trying to find someone, but no one has stuck, Lucy. Then you came along. And you make me feel things I’ve never felt in my whole adult life.”
Her eyes searched his, and she bit into her lip before nodding slowly. “I just worry that we’ll get too far into this, and then you won’t be able to feel what you need to feel for me.”
He knew what she was saying and he understood, but what she didn’t know was that he was already falling in love with her. He couldn’t tell her that, she wasn’t ready, but he had to reassure her that he was good.
“Losing them, my family, sucked. No other words can adequately describe it. Being alone, dating people and not clicking with them, blows. If finding you had happened a year or two ago, I could completely understand your worry, and you are completely right to have it. But Lucy, I’ve known you for two weeks, and in these two weeks, I’ve never been so damn happy in my life. I get excited to wake up, to talk to you, I love helping Angie on the ice, and seeing you does things to my heart. So please don’t worry about me not being into this. Us. I am so into us.”
Her lip wobbled and she closed her eyes. Opening them again, she held his gaze as she sucked in a deep breath. Then, with all the strength in the world, she said, “I don’t trust people. Ever. The grown men I loved, trusted, needed, depended on, both fucked me over. Badly. And I haven’t recovered from it. Then you came along… And I trust you, Benji. So I’m going to say, okay, I’m going to believe you and I’m gonna trust that you have my best interests in mind. But I swear to God, you fuck me, you break my heart, I will skin you alive.”
He couldn’t help it, he grinned as he leaned his forehead to hers. “I don’t make promises lightly, Lucy, not since Ava, as you can understand. But I promise I will not hurt you. I promised your brother that, and I have no problem promising the same to you.”
Her lip wobbled again. “You did?”
“I did.”
Wrapping her arms around him, she hugged him tightly and his eyes drifted shut. Holding her as she straddled his lap, he kissed her temple and then her cheek as she clung to him.
