Safe Word
Page 16
“After all of these years.” I shrugged as I tossed the remote on the table.
“Is it so hard to believe that I missed you?”
“Yes.”
She looked insulted and I regretted my words, but I couldn’t stop the hurt from spilling over.
“You have no idea…” Her voice trailed off and she took another bite of food.
“You’re right. And if you don’t tell me, I will never know.”
“I’m here, Cole. Isn’t that all that matters?”
I could feel myself slipping again. I wanted her to trust me and at the same time I was forcing her to fear me. Suddenly, pissing off the mob and possibly getting myself killed seemed more pleasant than trying to pry the truth out of Rose. I slammed my plate on the coffee table and grabbed hers from her hand, spilling half of the contents in her lap.
“Hey!” She yelled as she jumped up, letting the food spill onto the floor. I stood and took a step in her direction. She backed up, her hands raised in front of her. “What are you doing?”
“Get out.”
“What?”
“Get the f**k out.”
“I can’t just leave.” She glanced at the door behind her and back to me. “I mean…I can’t, can I?”
“The door hasn’t been locked since I brought you here. You could have run anytime you wanted. Leaving is the one thing you were always good at.”
“What?”
“You’re a lot of things, sweetheart, but stupid ain’t one of them.”
“But what happens to you?”
“We both know that was never your concern. I’ll deal with the mess I made. I’m a big boy.”
Her eyes danced from the door to me again. I took another step, but she didn’t back away and her hands landed on my chest. They were clammy and I knew she was scared, but not of me this time. I glanced down at her delicate fingers splayed out over my tattoos.
“The truth or the door. Those are your only two options.”
She stared at her hands, unable to look me in the eye. I laid my hand over one of hers, holding it firmly against my heart.
“Whatever it is, I can’t help you if I don’t know what is wrong.” Her gaze finally drifted to mine, hope in her eyes.
“I wanted to see you…for years. I have always dreamed about what it would be like to come to you. I couldn’t do it. I knew you had made a better life for yourself, became a cop. You didn’t need someone like me. When I saw that you had been kicked off the force I was worried about you. I was afraid you were going to ruin your life, but I still couldn’t come. It had been too long. I knew you would hate me. When I found out that my stepdad was up for parole, I freaked out. I didn’t know who to turn to.” Her voice cracked and my heart sank. He was a free man, wandering the streets looking for her, and she had no idea.
I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her body tight against mine, my fingers knotting in her hair as I kissed the top of her head. I breathed slowly against her ear to help her calm down, like I had done when we were teenagers.
“He can’t hurt you.”
Her body shook in my arms and I squeezed her tighter, hoping that she felt safe there, even though I had spent all this time pushing her away.
“He sends me letters under my real name to my mom’s old house. They have been getting forwarded to my place. It was his last address.” She looked up at me. “He said that when they let him out he was coming to get me. He’s obsessed.”
I held her away from me so I could search her face.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Tell anyone? I could have kept you safe.” I didn’t want to yell at her, but Craig was already on the loose and had slipped through my fingers. There was no telling where he was and what he planned to do when he found her.
“No one would listen. Shawn thought I was acting like a child trying to get attention. When I showed him the letters he said that I had led him on and…”
“He said that?” Another name had just been added to my shit list. How could her own fiancé ignore her when she needed him most? How could he possibly think that she had asked for this?
“I think he contacted Craig. After that he barely spoke to me. He treated me like I was dirty. That’s why I am not surprised no one has tried to find me or give the ransom money.”
A fresh wave of guilt washed over me. I had been keeping so many secrets that I had gotten tangled up in my own lies. I squeezed my eyes shut and took a step back from Rose.
“I didn’t contact Shawn for the money.” I ran my hand over my jaw before looking her in the eye.
“What do you mean you didn’t contact him? If he doesn’t pay they are going to kill me!” she shouted.
“Listen to me. Things didn’t go the way we had planned. It was never supposed to be you here, Rose. When they saw us together. When Whitey saw us together, he told Danny. They had bigger plans for me, a job that would put me at the top of his food chain.”
“So what…you just were going to keep me here forever? I don’t understand.”
I ran my hand roughly through my hair and shook my head.
“They thought keeping you around after what we had done together was a risk. I knew better and I should have stayed away from you but I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to let them kill you.” I raised my voice, wanting desperately for her to understand.
“Why not send me back to Shawn?”
“I’m f**king selfish, Rose. I wanted you. You and I belong together. That prick can’t keep you safe. They wanted you dead and there is nothing that f**king lawyer could have done to stop them.” I didn’t want to tell her that I saw him with another woman. Her heart was fragile enough as it was, and I didn’t want her to break.
“Safe? This is safe?” She gestured around the apartment. “The mob wants me dead, my stepfather wants to kidnap me, and you…” Tears rolled over her cheeks.
I took a step closer to her, reaching out and tucking her hair behind her ear.
“I love you, Rose. I know I have a f**ked-up way of showing it, but I always have. You just have to trust me.”
“I don’t know if I can anymore.” Her voice was a soft whisper as she stared down at the floor.
“Please don’t say that. Please just let me figure this out. I can’t let you go.”
“The mob thinks I am dead. I could disappear. I need to put distance between Craig and me before he gets out.” She began to pace back and forth as she struggled to figure out a way to save herself.
“He’s out.”
Her eyes shot to mine as the information registered. She charged toward me, pushing against my chest in anger.
“He’s out? He’s out and looking for me?” She sobbed as she shoved harder against my chest. I kept my arms at my sides and let her get her anger out. I deserved the brunt of it.
“I tried to make sure he wouldn’t get released, but once I was kicked off the force there was only so much I could do.” So much was being left unsaid, but I had laid enough information at her feet and anything else might finally be the straw that breaks her.
“I’d be better off out there with him than here. What happens when your friends find out that I am still alive? Have you thought of that? They will kill us both because of you!”
“You came looking for me, remember? You put yourself here.” I clenched my jaw and met her hard stare. “You got exactly what you wanted. I don’t remember you begging to leave when I was inside of you.”
Her hand came across my face with a flash of stinging pain. All of this fear and anger had come to a head with that one hard blow. I gripped her shoulders, making sure I had her full attention.
“I shouldn’t have said that to you.” I pressed my forehead against hers and closed my eyes, inhaling her scent. “That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry, Rose. I’m so sorry. Let me try to make this right.”
“There’s nothing you can do.” She pushed my hands away and took a step back from me. It felt like a canyon between us.
“Let’s run like we had always planned. Let me get you somewhere safe.” I closed the gap between us. “Please.”
She slowly raised her eyes to meet mine as she thought it over.
“I don’t know if running will solve our problems.”
“I’ll get you somewhere safe and I’ll fix this. You have to let me try. I can’t let you go again. I can’t spend years worrying if you’re dead or alive. It nearly drove me insane last time.”
Her arms looped around my waist and she pressed her head against my chest. I lifted my arms cautiously and slid them around her back, pulling her tightly against me. This was insane, and I would be walking a fine line trying not to piss off Danny, but Rose was more important to me than anything else in this world. I could feel her soft sobs.
“We can’t stop this. It’s going to be dangerous and we are going to have to fight for us if we want it, but you don’t have to be afraid. You can choose to be fearless. I will walk through hell and back for you, Rose, and I know you would do the same for me. I trust you.”
“I trust you too.” She pulled her head back and looked up at me through damp eyes. “I love you so much, Cole.”
I clutched her tighter, resting my cheek on the top of her head. I had everything in my hands right now. I had every reason in the world to fight and I would, no matter what it took.
“Promise me that no matter what happens, if it gets too tough for you, if you feel like you want to leave me, let me know.”
She nodded against my chest.
“I love you more than anything, Rose.”
Chapter Twelve
Walk through Hell
“If you don’t tell me what is going on, I can’t help you.” Brock was livid and I knew he could pull some strings, but Rose would never be safe. If I didn’t end this, we would always be running.
“I’ll let you know when it is over.” I tossed my phone on the seat between me and Rose. I wrapped my hand around hers, and she turned to me with a smile as her long hair blew wildly in the wind.
“No one will ever hurt you again. I promise.”
She nodded and turned to look out the window as we sped down the main road, turning off into alleyways whenever possible.
The trip took nearly forty minutes, and I was grateful when we finally hit the dirt road leading back to my childhood home. I hated this place and paid someone to maintain it just so I could avoid the painful memories of my past. It was the only place I had left that was mine alone.
We parked outside and my body stiffened. My fists clenched involuntarily and Rose yelped as I squeezed her hand too tightly.
“I’m sorry.” I looked down at her small hand in mine and slowly unwrapped my fingers from hers. I hated not to be touching her. It was the only time I was certain she was real. I needed to know she was really there, and I had not lost my mind completely.
“Come on. Let’s get you inside.” I opened my door and made my way around the car to Rose. She had already opened her door so I held out my hand to help her stand. She stretched, looking up at the sun and closing her eyes.
“I wasn’t expecting you,” a voice called from the porch, and Rose’s eyes snapped open and locked on the blonde who stood holding the screen door open.
“Special circumstances,” I called back to Amber as I swallowed hard. I pulled Rose by the hand toward the front porch, stopping just before the steps. “This is Rose.”
Amber smiled brightly down at us as she pulled the door open farther. She was wearing a tiny little white knitted dress that reminded me of a blanket someone’s grandmother would knit. She looked anything but old in it. It stopped just below her ass and dipped down dangerously low between her br**sts. Rose was still wearing my clothes, and I hoped that Amber could lend her something a little more tasteful than her normal attire.
“Nice to meet you. My name is Amber.” Her eyes flicked from mine back to Rose. “Let’s get you inside before we let all the bought air out.” I gave her a grateful smile and drudged up the steps, hating the tightening in my chest that I felt whenever I came back home.
The house still smelled the same, even with the scented candles that Amber was fond of. It brought me right back to a time when I had never felt so helpless, which was fitting, given the reason we were here.
“So you live here?” Rose’s voice cracked as she avoided looking at Amber, instead eyeing the old family photographs that lined the entryway table.
“I help keep it maintained. I stay here every few days when I don’t have somewhere else to go.” Amber answered Rose, but her eyes were on me. Rose didn’t miss it and followed Amber’s gaze to mine. I shoved my hands in my jeans pockets as I let out a long breath.
“I don’t like to come back here. Too many memories. Amber needed a place to stay, so it was only right to help each other out.”
Rose smiled. She hadn’t expected me to have a friend, no doubt. But the way her eyes danced over Amber, I knew she was worried there was something more between us. I cared for Amber as a friend, and even though we had crossed the line into something more on occasion, I could never want to be with her that way. I was emotionally unavailable for anyone who wasn’t Rose.
“So…you hungry?” Amber asked as she made her way into the kitchen. I rubbed my hand over the back of my neck as I waited for Rose to follow her. My eyes took in the knickknacks that had been there since before my mother passed away. I wanted to throw it all away, but Amber refused. She was certain that one day I would regret it. The only thing I regretted was not burning this place to the ground years ago.
“Is it so hard to believe that I missed you?”
“Yes.”
She looked insulted and I regretted my words, but I couldn’t stop the hurt from spilling over.
“You have no idea…” Her voice trailed off and she took another bite of food.
“You’re right. And if you don’t tell me, I will never know.”
“I’m here, Cole. Isn’t that all that matters?”
I could feel myself slipping again. I wanted her to trust me and at the same time I was forcing her to fear me. Suddenly, pissing off the mob and possibly getting myself killed seemed more pleasant than trying to pry the truth out of Rose. I slammed my plate on the coffee table and grabbed hers from her hand, spilling half of the contents in her lap.
“Hey!” She yelled as she jumped up, letting the food spill onto the floor. I stood and took a step in her direction. She backed up, her hands raised in front of her. “What are you doing?”
“Get out.”
“What?”
“Get the f**k out.”
“I can’t just leave.” She glanced at the door behind her and back to me. “I mean…I can’t, can I?”
“The door hasn’t been locked since I brought you here. You could have run anytime you wanted. Leaving is the one thing you were always good at.”
“What?”
“You’re a lot of things, sweetheart, but stupid ain’t one of them.”
“But what happens to you?”
“We both know that was never your concern. I’ll deal with the mess I made. I’m a big boy.”
Her eyes danced from the door to me again. I took another step, but she didn’t back away and her hands landed on my chest. They were clammy and I knew she was scared, but not of me this time. I glanced down at her delicate fingers splayed out over my tattoos.
“The truth or the door. Those are your only two options.”
She stared at her hands, unable to look me in the eye. I laid my hand over one of hers, holding it firmly against my heart.
“Whatever it is, I can’t help you if I don’t know what is wrong.” Her gaze finally drifted to mine, hope in her eyes.
“I wanted to see you…for years. I have always dreamed about what it would be like to come to you. I couldn’t do it. I knew you had made a better life for yourself, became a cop. You didn’t need someone like me. When I saw that you had been kicked off the force I was worried about you. I was afraid you were going to ruin your life, but I still couldn’t come. It had been too long. I knew you would hate me. When I found out that my stepdad was up for parole, I freaked out. I didn’t know who to turn to.” Her voice cracked and my heart sank. He was a free man, wandering the streets looking for her, and she had no idea.
I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her body tight against mine, my fingers knotting in her hair as I kissed the top of her head. I breathed slowly against her ear to help her calm down, like I had done when we were teenagers.
“He can’t hurt you.”
Her body shook in my arms and I squeezed her tighter, hoping that she felt safe there, even though I had spent all this time pushing her away.
“He sends me letters under my real name to my mom’s old house. They have been getting forwarded to my place. It was his last address.” She looked up at me. “He said that when they let him out he was coming to get me. He’s obsessed.”
I held her away from me so I could search her face.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Tell anyone? I could have kept you safe.” I didn’t want to yell at her, but Craig was already on the loose and had slipped through my fingers. There was no telling where he was and what he planned to do when he found her.
“No one would listen. Shawn thought I was acting like a child trying to get attention. When I showed him the letters he said that I had led him on and…”
“He said that?” Another name had just been added to my shit list. How could her own fiancé ignore her when she needed him most? How could he possibly think that she had asked for this?
“I think he contacted Craig. After that he barely spoke to me. He treated me like I was dirty. That’s why I am not surprised no one has tried to find me or give the ransom money.”
A fresh wave of guilt washed over me. I had been keeping so many secrets that I had gotten tangled up in my own lies. I squeezed my eyes shut and took a step back from Rose.
“I didn’t contact Shawn for the money.” I ran my hand over my jaw before looking her in the eye.
“What do you mean you didn’t contact him? If he doesn’t pay they are going to kill me!” she shouted.
“Listen to me. Things didn’t go the way we had planned. It was never supposed to be you here, Rose. When they saw us together. When Whitey saw us together, he told Danny. They had bigger plans for me, a job that would put me at the top of his food chain.”
“So what…you just were going to keep me here forever? I don’t understand.”
I ran my hand roughly through my hair and shook my head.
“They thought keeping you around after what we had done together was a risk. I knew better and I should have stayed away from you but I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to let them kill you.” I raised my voice, wanting desperately for her to understand.
“Why not send me back to Shawn?”
“I’m f**king selfish, Rose. I wanted you. You and I belong together. That prick can’t keep you safe. They wanted you dead and there is nothing that f**king lawyer could have done to stop them.” I didn’t want to tell her that I saw him with another woman. Her heart was fragile enough as it was, and I didn’t want her to break.
“Safe? This is safe?” She gestured around the apartment. “The mob wants me dead, my stepfather wants to kidnap me, and you…” Tears rolled over her cheeks.
I took a step closer to her, reaching out and tucking her hair behind her ear.
“I love you, Rose. I know I have a f**ked-up way of showing it, but I always have. You just have to trust me.”
“I don’t know if I can anymore.” Her voice was a soft whisper as she stared down at the floor.
“Please don’t say that. Please just let me figure this out. I can’t let you go.”
“The mob thinks I am dead. I could disappear. I need to put distance between Craig and me before he gets out.” She began to pace back and forth as she struggled to figure out a way to save herself.
“He’s out.”
Her eyes shot to mine as the information registered. She charged toward me, pushing against my chest in anger.
“He’s out? He’s out and looking for me?” She sobbed as she shoved harder against my chest. I kept my arms at my sides and let her get her anger out. I deserved the brunt of it.
“I tried to make sure he wouldn’t get released, but once I was kicked off the force there was only so much I could do.” So much was being left unsaid, but I had laid enough information at her feet and anything else might finally be the straw that breaks her.
“I’d be better off out there with him than here. What happens when your friends find out that I am still alive? Have you thought of that? They will kill us both because of you!”
“You came looking for me, remember? You put yourself here.” I clenched my jaw and met her hard stare. “You got exactly what you wanted. I don’t remember you begging to leave when I was inside of you.”
Her hand came across my face with a flash of stinging pain. All of this fear and anger had come to a head with that one hard blow. I gripped her shoulders, making sure I had her full attention.
“I shouldn’t have said that to you.” I pressed my forehead against hers and closed my eyes, inhaling her scent. “That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry, Rose. I’m so sorry. Let me try to make this right.”
“There’s nothing you can do.” She pushed my hands away and took a step back from me. It felt like a canyon between us.
“Let’s run like we had always planned. Let me get you somewhere safe.” I closed the gap between us. “Please.”
She slowly raised her eyes to meet mine as she thought it over.
“I don’t know if running will solve our problems.”
“I’ll get you somewhere safe and I’ll fix this. You have to let me try. I can’t let you go again. I can’t spend years worrying if you’re dead or alive. It nearly drove me insane last time.”
Her arms looped around my waist and she pressed her head against my chest. I lifted my arms cautiously and slid them around her back, pulling her tightly against me. This was insane, and I would be walking a fine line trying not to piss off Danny, but Rose was more important to me than anything else in this world. I could feel her soft sobs.
“We can’t stop this. It’s going to be dangerous and we are going to have to fight for us if we want it, but you don’t have to be afraid. You can choose to be fearless. I will walk through hell and back for you, Rose, and I know you would do the same for me. I trust you.”
“I trust you too.” She pulled her head back and looked up at me through damp eyes. “I love you so much, Cole.”
I clutched her tighter, resting my cheek on the top of her head. I had everything in my hands right now. I had every reason in the world to fight and I would, no matter what it took.
“Promise me that no matter what happens, if it gets too tough for you, if you feel like you want to leave me, let me know.”
She nodded against my chest.
“I love you more than anything, Rose.”
Chapter Twelve
Walk through Hell
“If you don’t tell me what is going on, I can’t help you.” Brock was livid and I knew he could pull some strings, but Rose would never be safe. If I didn’t end this, we would always be running.
“I’ll let you know when it is over.” I tossed my phone on the seat between me and Rose. I wrapped my hand around hers, and she turned to me with a smile as her long hair blew wildly in the wind.
“No one will ever hurt you again. I promise.”
She nodded and turned to look out the window as we sped down the main road, turning off into alleyways whenever possible.
The trip took nearly forty minutes, and I was grateful when we finally hit the dirt road leading back to my childhood home. I hated this place and paid someone to maintain it just so I could avoid the painful memories of my past. It was the only place I had left that was mine alone.
We parked outside and my body stiffened. My fists clenched involuntarily and Rose yelped as I squeezed her hand too tightly.
“I’m sorry.” I looked down at her small hand in mine and slowly unwrapped my fingers from hers. I hated not to be touching her. It was the only time I was certain she was real. I needed to know she was really there, and I had not lost my mind completely.
“Come on. Let’s get you inside.” I opened my door and made my way around the car to Rose. She had already opened her door so I held out my hand to help her stand. She stretched, looking up at the sun and closing her eyes.
“I wasn’t expecting you,” a voice called from the porch, and Rose’s eyes snapped open and locked on the blonde who stood holding the screen door open.
“Special circumstances,” I called back to Amber as I swallowed hard. I pulled Rose by the hand toward the front porch, stopping just before the steps. “This is Rose.”
Amber smiled brightly down at us as she pulled the door open farther. She was wearing a tiny little white knitted dress that reminded me of a blanket someone’s grandmother would knit. She looked anything but old in it. It stopped just below her ass and dipped down dangerously low between her br**sts. Rose was still wearing my clothes, and I hoped that Amber could lend her something a little more tasteful than her normal attire.
“Nice to meet you. My name is Amber.” Her eyes flicked from mine back to Rose. “Let’s get you inside before we let all the bought air out.” I gave her a grateful smile and drudged up the steps, hating the tightening in my chest that I felt whenever I came back home.
The house still smelled the same, even with the scented candles that Amber was fond of. It brought me right back to a time when I had never felt so helpless, which was fitting, given the reason we were here.
“So you live here?” Rose’s voice cracked as she avoided looking at Amber, instead eyeing the old family photographs that lined the entryway table.
“I help keep it maintained. I stay here every few days when I don’t have somewhere else to go.” Amber answered Rose, but her eyes were on me. Rose didn’t miss it and followed Amber’s gaze to mine. I shoved my hands in my jeans pockets as I let out a long breath.
“I don’t like to come back here. Too many memories. Amber needed a place to stay, so it was only right to help each other out.”
Rose smiled. She hadn’t expected me to have a friend, no doubt. But the way her eyes danced over Amber, I knew she was worried there was something more between us. I cared for Amber as a friend, and even though we had crossed the line into something more on occasion, I could never want to be with her that way. I was emotionally unavailable for anyone who wasn’t Rose.
“So…you hungry?” Amber asked as she made her way into the kitchen. I rubbed my hand over the back of my neck as I waited for Rose to follow her. My eyes took in the knickknacks that had been there since before my mother passed away. I wanted to throw it all away, but Amber refused. She was certain that one day I would regret it. The only thing I regretted was not burning this place to the ground years ago.
