Second Chance Girl
Page 64
He couldn’t stay with her. He knew that. It made him a coward, but it was still true. Being with her would mean risking everything. He would have to believe in her, trust her. Worse, he would have to trust himself and he couldn’t do either. He’d been taught to be wary his whole life. First by his mother, then his father and finally by Ronan. His brother’s betrayal had been the worst of all. Funny how he’d learned that from family, rather than from a romantic relationship, but regardless of the delivery system, the lesson had been learned.
At least the Millie problem had been solved. Thanks to the sale of both his father’s and brothers’ artwork, there was money for the purchase and transport of the herd, along with funds for a veterinarian and upkeep for the next twenty-five years. He and his brothers didn’t need to drive the giraffes cross-country after all. All the animals would be safe. Mayor Marsha had come through with the permits and last he’d heard, the first of the giraffes would arrive in a week or so. Everything was in place.
Which meant he didn’t have an excuse. Not to wait any longer. Not to hope or wish or dream. There were no possibilities, just the truth he could no longer ignore.
He grabbed his car keys and walked out of his house. Five minutes later he pulled into Carol’s driveway. He didn’t give himself a second to reconsider—he wasn’t going to back out. He had to protect himself and he owed it to her to get this done sooner rather than later.
She answered only a few seconds after he knocked. She wore jeans and a T-shirt. Her feet were bare, as was her face. Gone was the glamorous beauty from the auction and the wedding. The woman he knew and, well, liked, was back.
She smiled when she saw him. “Is everyone gone? Life back to normal?”
“They left. I think I’m going to miss Sophie. What’s up with that?”
She stepped back to let him in, but he didn’t want to go into her house. There were too many memories, too many temptations. He needed to say it and then get the hell away from her before he changed his mind.
When he didn’t move, her smile slowly faded.
“What is it, Mathias? Why are you here?”
He almost told her he loved her. That he couldn’t stand to not be with her because they were so right together. But he couldn’t. It would be a disaster for both of them—he’d had that proven to him over and over again.
“I can’t do this anymore,” he said instead. “I’m not that guy. I’m into bridesmaids, not relationships. We both know that. It was great while it lasted, but it’s over.”
Color drained from her face as her eyes filled with tears. But she didn’t cry. He waited—no, hoped—she would call him on his crap. He wanted her to grab him and shake him, telling him he was stupid and a coward, but that she was brave enough for both of them. That she would get him through this because they belonged together and in time he would learn to trust her enough to offer his heart. But until then, she would love him and stay with him.
Because if she said that, or something like that, he would be okay.
Mathias acknowledged that made him a total douche, but he would be a douche for Carol, if she would have him. Only she didn’t say any of those things. Instead she cleared her throat before speaking.
“I figured it was something like that,” she said in a small, sad voice. “Thanks for being honest with me and telling me to my face. I was afraid you were just going to disappear.” A single tear ran down her cheek. “Goodbye, Mathias.”
Her door closed in his face and he was left with absolutely nothing.
* * *
“I’M NOT GOING,” Violet said as she sat on her sofa. “At least not right away. I can head over to join Ulrich in a few weeks, when things have settled down.”
Carol did her best to stop crying. She knew that her tears were a big part of her sister’s decision. Or the actual reason.
“You won’t,” she said firmly, wiping her cheeks with her fingers and attempting to smile. “You’re going to finish packing and then you’re going to get on that plane and go join the man you love.”
Violet grabbed her hands. “No way. You’re my sister and I love you. You need me.”
“No. What I need is to pull myself together. I’m sorry I’ve upset you.”
“You didn’t. And don’t pretend to be fine. I hate Mathias. I wish I could beat him up.”
“You couldn’t and you shouldn’t. This isn’t his fault. He feels what he feels.”
Violet grimaced. “He’s a total jerk. He hurt you and I’ll never forgive that. You’re wonderful and amazing. What’s wrong with him?”
Not being wanted by Mathias had hurt far more than Carol had ever imagined. She was still having trouble drawing full breaths.
She stayed in her house the whole weekend, only emerging on Monday morning because she had to get to work and take care of her animals. She’d done her best to be brave and cheerful. Her dad and uncle had been fooled, but when she’d shown up Tuesday to help Violet pack, her sister had taken one look at her and demanded to know what had happened.
“It’s not about me.” Carol admitted the truth it had taken her three days to figure out. “It’s about him and his past. He won’t get involved because he doesn’t trust not being abandoned and betrayed. He and I talked about it before. I know what he thinks and what he’s afraid of. Telling him I won’t hurt him is meaningless.”
“But you never would hurt him,” her sister insisted.
Carol managed a tiny smile, then sniffed. “I would. Of course I would. People who care about each other still get wounded. It’s the nature of relationships. The difference is if I were to upset you, you’d call me on it. Or I’d see it myself. Either way, I’d apologize and try to do better. But it’s never been like that for him. He doesn’t know that there’s a process or if he does, he doesn’t trust it. I should have remembered.”
“You’re taking this all on yourself. It’s not about you. It’s about him.”
Carol thought about the other uncomfortable truth she’d realized. One that was harder to admit. “I’m just as bad as he is,” she admitted. “I believe I’m not special.”
Violet hugged her. “Don’t say that. You’re the most special person I know.”
“Thanks, but you know what I mean. I learned that lesson too well and when I get scared or hurt, it’s where I retreat to. When Mathias was telling me he wasn’t going to see me anymore, all I could think about was not being good enough to keep him. That and trying to keep from bleeding to death. I was shocked and in pain and I couldn’t move, couldn’t react. Now I keep thinking that maybe I should have fought him. Called him on his ridiculous beliefs and fought for my position.”
“Do you think it would have made a difference?”
“I don’t know.” That was the worst of it, she thought. Not knowing. Had being a coward cost her everything?
“Tell him now. I’ll go with you.”
Carol squeezed her sister’s hand. “You are very good to me,” she said. “Thank you for that. I will talk to him, but I need to get stronger and more sure of myself. I need to get through this.”
It wasn’t that she felt she needed to process more pain. Rather, she had to earn her way back. Not for him, but for herself.
At least the Millie problem had been solved. Thanks to the sale of both his father’s and brothers’ artwork, there was money for the purchase and transport of the herd, along with funds for a veterinarian and upkeep for the next twenty-five years. He and his brothers didn’t need to drive the giraffes cross-country after all. All the animals would be safe. Mayor Marsha had come through with the permits and last he’d heard, the first of the giraffes would arrive in a week or so. Everything was in place.
Which meant he didn’t have an excuse. Not to wait any longer. Not to hope or wish or dream. There were no possibilities, just the truth he could no longer ignore.
He grabbed his car keys and walked out of his house. Five minutes later he pulled into Carol’s driveway. He didn’t give himself a second to reconsider—he wasn’t going to back out. He had to protect himself and he owed it to her to get this done sooner rather than later.
She answered only a few seconds after he knocked. She wore jeans and a T-shirt. Her feet were bare, as was her face. Gone was the glamorous beauty from the auction and the wedding. The woman he knew and, well, liked, was back.
She smiled when she saw him. “Is everyone gone? Life back to normal?”
“They left. I think I’m going to miss Sophie. What’s up with that?”
She stepped back to let him in, but he didn’t want to go into her house. There were too many memories, too many temptations. He needed to say it and then get the hell away from her before he changed his mind.
When he didn’t move, her smile slowly faded.
“What is it, Mathias? Why are you here?”
He almost told her he loved her. That he couldn’t stand to not be with her because they were so right together. But he couldn’t. It would be a disaster for both of them—he’d had that proven to him over and over again.
“I can’t do this anymore,” he said instead. “I’m not that guy. I’m into bridesmaids, not relationships. We both know that. It was great while it lasted, but it’s over.”
Color drained from her face as her eyes filled with tears. But she didn’t cry. He waited—no, hoped—she would call him on his crap. He wanted her to grab him and shake him, telling him he was stupid and a coward, but that she was brave enough for both of them. That she would get him through this because they belonged together and in time he would learn to trust her enough to offer his heart. But until then, she would love him and stay with him.
Because if she said that, or something like that, he would be okay.
Mathias acknowledged that made him a total douche, but he would be a douche for Carol, if she would have him. Only she didn’t say any of those things. Instead she cleared her throat before speaking.
“I figured it was something like that,” she said in a small, sad voice. “Thanks for being honest with me and telling me to my face. I was afraid you were just going to disappear.” A single tear ran down her cheek. “Goodbye, Mathias.”
Her door closed in his face and he was left with absolutely nothing.
* * *
“I’M NOT GOING,” Violet said as she sat on her sofa. “At least not right away. I can head over to join Ulrich in a few weeks, when things have settled down.”
Carol did her best to stop crying. She knew that her tears were a big part of her sister’s decision. Or the actual reason.
“You won’t,” she said firmly, wiping her cheeks with her fingers and attempting to smile. “You’re going to finish packing and then you’re going to get on that plane and go join the man you love.”
Violet grabbed her hands. “No way. You’re my sister and I love you. You need me.”
“No. What I need is to pull myself together. I’m sorry I’ve upset you.”
“You didn’t. And don’t pretend to be fine. I hate Mathias. I wish I could beat him up.”
“You couldn’t and you shouldn’t. This isn’t his fault. He feels what he feels.”
Violet grimaced. “He’s a total jerk. He hurt you and I’ll never forgive that. You’re wonderful and amazing. What’s wrong with him?”
Not being wanted by Mathias had hurt far more than Carol had ever imagined. She was still having trouble drawing full breaths.
She stayed in her house the whole weekend, only emerging on Monday morning because she had to get to work and take care of her animals. She’d done her best to be brave and cheerful. Her dad and uncle had been fooled, but when she’d shown up Tuesday to help Violet pack, her sister had taken one look at her and demanded to know what had happened.
“It’s not about me.” Carol admitted the truth it had taken her three days to figure out. “It’s about him and his past. He won’t get involved because he doesn’t trust not being abandoned and betrayed. He and I talked about it before. I know what he thinks and what he’s afraid of. Telling him I won’t hurt him is meaningless.”
“But you never would hurt him,” her sister insisted.
Carol managed a tiny smile, then sniffed. “I would. Of course I would. People who care about each other still get wounded. It’s the nature of relationships. The difference is if I were to upset you, you’d call me on it. Or I’d see it myself. Either way, I’d apologize and try to do better. But it’s never been like that for him. He doesn’t know that there’s a process or if he does, he doesn’t trust it. I should have remembered.”
“You’re taking this all on yourself. It’s not about you. It’s about him.”
Carol thought about the other uncomfortable truth she’d realized. One that was harder to admit. “I’m just as bad as he is,” she admitted. “I believe I’m not special.”
Violet hugged her. “Don’t say that. You’re the most special person I know.”
“Thanks, but you know what I mean. I learned that lesson too well and when I get scared or hurt, it’s where I retreat to. When Mathias was telling me he wasn’t going to see me anymore, all I could think about was not being good enough to keep him. That and trying to keep from bleeding to death. I was shocked and in pain and I couldn’t move, couldn’t react. Now I keep thinking that maybe I should have fought him. Called him on his ridiculous beliefs and fought for my position.”
“Do you think it would have made a difference?”
“I don’t know.” That was the worst of it, she thought. Not knowing. Had being a coward cost her everything?
“Tell him now. I’ll go with you.”
Carol squeezed her sister’s hand. “You are very good to me,” she said. “Thank you for that. I will talk to him, but I need to get stronger and more sure of myself. I need to get through this.”
It wasn’t that she felt she needed to process more pain. Rather, she had to earn her way back. Not for him, but for herself.
