Secret
Page 27
“So we’re in his apartment,” Adam said, his voice very low,
“and he’s practically naked, and he begs me to take care of him.
He’s hot and sweet and nice, and I’m into him, so I do. And we lie there for like thirty seconds, and I’m thinking I’ve finally found someone special. Instead, he tells me to get the f**k out of his apartment. I’m confused, right? Like, what the hell. But clearly I wasn’t moving fast enough, because he punched me in the stomach and slammed me into the wall beside his door.”
Nick’s breath caught. He wasn’t sure where he’d thought this story was going, but—that wasn’t it.
Adam looked up. He met Nick’s eyes and quickly looked away, ashamed. “This is insane. I can’t believe I’m telling you this. I’m sorry. I’ll shut up.”
Nick reached out and touched his cheek, bringing his face back around. Adam’s eyes closed and his breath shuddered, but he didn’t pull away.
“Don’t shut up,” Nick said softly. “Talk. Tell me.”
Adam pulled Nick’s fingers away from his face, but then he kept a death grip on his hand. “It happened too fast. He was on his knees apologizing, comforting me before I even knew what hit me. He said he snapped, that nothing like that had ever happened before. And you know what’s really insane? I believed him. I let him buy me dinner. I thought he was genuinely sorry.
And when he asked me to come back the next night, I went. He was sweet, he was charming—it was fine. But a week later, the exact same thing happened.
“So here I’m dating a guy who’s beating the shit out of me, the exact thing my parents warned me about, and I couldn’t tell them because it would be one more thing to reinforce what they wanted. And the worst part is that I started to believe I deserved it. Or that it was normal. That it was something all g*y relationships went through. Like aggression is just part of the package or something. Besides—what was I supposed to do? Complain that another guy was beating me up? Do you know what that sounds like?”
Nick knew exactly what that sounded like. “You’re not weak,” he said.
“Oh, I was. This went on for a long time. I never knew what would set him off. Some days he was wonderful, and I’d think it was all in my head. He would cry and tell me how he wanted so badly to be better. Other days he was . . . terrifying. I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore, and he said he’d tell everyone that I was sexually harassing him, that I was some kind of deviant, that I shouldn’t be allowed to work with kids. I loved my job. I didn’t know what to do.” Adam looked up. His eyes were shining, but he wasn’t crying. “He was smart, too. He knew how to hit where it wouldn’t show. I’d be too sore to dance, but there wouldn’t be a mark on me. I remember once I threw up blood, and I wanted to go to the hospital. He said he’d tell them I had HIV. I don’t—I’ve never—I . . . My dad would have found out, and I couldn’t—”
He broke off. His hand was tight on Nick’s. He took a long breath, steadying himself. “I couldn’t go. After that, I was scared to tell anyone anything. For three months. Then he was offered a job somewhere else, and he moved. That was it. I didn’t even solve my own problem. It just went away.”
Nick moved closer, breathing along Adam’s neck. “I’m sorry,” he said. He touched Adam’s face again. “I’m sorry.”
“It was a long time ago. I’ve never told anyone.” But his voice was still heavy. He brushed Nick’s hand away and started to put some distance between them. “I can’t believe I told you.”
Nick caught him with a hand against his neck, but gently, so Adam could move if he really wanted to. “I won’t hurt you.”
When Adam didn’t resist, Nick stroked his thumb along his jaw and put his forehead against his temple. The waitress could probably see them, but he couldn’t make himself care, not now.
“I understand now. I won’t hurt you.”
Adam shook his head and gave a choked laugh. “You asked earlier about boyfriends? None, since him. I’ll go out and have a good time, but I never go to anyone’s place. I never bring anyone back to mine.”
Nick drew back so he could look into Adam’s eyes. “Except me.”
“Except you.” Adam paused. “You know when I first knew I was going to fall for you?”
Nick shook his head.
“On the beach, when we were rescuing Quinn. That one guy was going to hit me, and you got in front of him. You took the hit. I’d never seen anyone do anything so brave in my life. Especially not for me.”
“I’m not brave,” said Nick. “Not at all.”
“You’re letting me hang all over you in a restaurant. I’d say that’s pretty brave.”
Nick smiled. “A deserted restaurant. And you’re not hanging all over me. I think you’re the brave one, putting up with all that. I’m in . . . in awe of you.” Nick felt heat crawl up his cheeks again, but he couldn’t offer anything less than honesty now. Not after that. “You’ve got your whole life together. You know what you want, and you’re even making a backup plan.
I’ve got a drawer full of college letters that I’m afraid to open, and I’m living with four guys who don’t know I’m . . . ah . . .”
“Say it,” said Adam.
“and he’s practically naked, and he begs me to take care of him.
He’s hot and sweet and nice, and I’m into him, so I do. And we lie there for like thirty seconds, and I’m thinking I’ve finally found someone special. Instead, he tells me to get the f**k out of his apartment. I’m confused, right? Like, what the hell. But clearly I wasn’t moving fast enough, because he punched me in the stomach and slammed me into the wall beside his door.”
Nick’s breath caught. He wasn’t sure where he’d thought this story was going, but—that wasn’t it.
Adam looked up. He met Nick’s eyes and quickly looked away, ashamed. “This is insane. I can’t believe I’m telling you this. I’m sorry. I’ll shut up.”
Nick reached out and touched his cheek, bringing his face back around. Adam’s eyes closed and his breath shuddered, but he didn’t pull away.
“Don’t shut up,” Nick said softly. “Talk. Tell me.”
Adam pulled Nick’s fingers away from his face, but then he kept a death grip on his hand. “It happened too fast. He was on his knees apologizing, comforting me before I even knew what hit me. He said he snapped, that nothing like that had ever happened before. And you know what’s really insane? I believed him. I let him buy me dinner. I thought he was genuinely sorry.
And when he asked me to come back the next night, I went. He was sweet, he was charming—it was fine. But a week later, the exact same thing happened.
“So here I’m dating a guy who’s beating the shit out of me, the exact thing my parents warned me about, and I couldn’t tell them because it would be one more thing to reinforce what they wanted. And the worst part is that I started to believe I deserved it. Or that it was normal. That it was something all g*y relationships went through. Like aggression is just part of the package or something. Besides—what was I supposed to do? Complain that another guy was beating me up? Do you know what that sounds like?”
Nick knew exactly what that sounded like. “You’re not weak,” he said.
“Oh, I was. This went on for a long time. I never knew what would set him off. Some days he was wonderful, and I’d think it was all in my head. He would cry and tell me how he wanted so badly to be better. Other days he was . . . terrifying. I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore, and he said he’d tell everyone that I was sexually harassing him, that I was some kind of deviant, that I shouldn’t be allowed to work with kids. I loved my job. I didn’t know what to do.” Adam looked up. His eyes were shining, but he wasn’t crying. “He was smart, too. He knew how to hit where it wouldn’t show. I’d be too sore to dance, but there wouldn’t be a mark on me. I remember once I threw up blood, and I wanted to go to the hospital. He said he’d tell them I had HIV. I don’t—I’ve never—I . . . My dad would have found out, and I couldn’t—”
He broke off. His hand was tight on Nick’s. He took a long breath, steadying himself. “I couldn’t go. After that, I was scared to tell anyone anything. For three months. Then he was offered a job somewhere else, and he moved. That was it. I didn’t even solve my own problem. It just went away.”
Nick moved closer, breathing along Adam’s neck. “I’m sorry,” he said. He touched Adam’s face again. “I’m sorry.”
“It was a long time ago. I’ve never told anyone.” But his voice was still heavy. He brushed Nick’s hand away and started to put some distance between them. “I can’t believe I told you.”
Nick caught him with a hand against his neck, but gently, so Adam could move if he really wanted to. “I won’t hurt you.”
When Adam didn’t resist, Nick stroked his thumb along his jaw and put his forehead against his temple. The waitress could probably see them, but he couldn’t make himself care, not now.
“I understand now. I won’t hurt you.”
Adam shook his head and gave a choked laugh. “You asked earlier about boyfriends? None, since him. I’ll go out and have a good time, but I never go to anyone’s place. I never bring anyone back to mine.”
Nick drew back so he could look into Adam’s eyes. “Except me.”
“Except you.” Adam paused. “You know when I first knew I was going to fall for you?”
Nick shook his head.
“On the beach, when we were rescuing Quinn. That one guy was going to hit me, and you got in front of him. You took the hit. I’d never seen anyone do anything so brave in my life. Especially not for me.”
“I’m not brave,” said Nick. “Not at all.”
“You’re letting me hang all over you in a restaurant. I’d say that’s pretty brave.”
Nick smiled. “A deserted restaurant. And you’re not hanging all over me. I think you’re the brave one, putting up with all that. I’m in . . . in awe of you.” Nick felt heat crawl up his cheeks again, but he couldn’t offer anything less than honesty now. Not after that. “You’ve got your whole life together. You know what you want, and you’re even making a backup plan.
I’ve got a drawer full of college letters that I’m afraid to open, and I’m living with four guys who don’t know I’m . . . ah . . .”
“Say it,” said Adam.
