Seduction and Snacks
Page 12
"You think you have it bad? That fucktard Drew thinks he slept with me. I can see it in his eyes. He's trying to remember if he knows what I look like na**d. Like I would ever let my lady bits near someone who wears an "I pooped today" shirt. He doesn't even remember hitting on me that night or how close he was to having c**k and balls permanently drawn on his face. I wonder if he remembers the hex I put on his dumb stick? He really believed I was a witch that night. What an idiot."
"Really Liz? You're comparing the fact that a guy doesn't remember telling you he'd make out with you because you had nice tits to my sperm-donor'ing one-night-stand sitting twenty feet away and not know who the f**k I am? Really? Is that what you're doing right now because I just want to make sure I understand this correctly and didn't accidentally hit a bong full of bad crack on the way over that I don't know about," I ranted.
Liz rolled her eyes at me. "Jesus, Cranky VonHyperAss, simmer down."
I put my hands on my h*ps and gave her my best "I'm gonna f**k you up look".
"Okay, so this isn't the most ideal situation for meeting back up with your baby daddy, I'll give you that. But it's done. He's here and there's nothing we can do about it now. After all these years of wondering, you finally know who he is so you can tell him about Gavin. So pull up your big-girl thongs and get your ass out there."
We stared at each other blankly for a moment.
"I know what you were going for with that but it didn't work so well," I told her.
"Yeah, I realized that as soon as I said it. Next time I'll just stick with big-girl panties."
I started pacing back and forth across the kitchen.
"What are the f**king odds, Liz? First, he shows up in the bar out of the clear blue and now he's here. In your house. And he's talking to me like I'm some new chick he just met that he wants to get to know."
"Well, technically, you are some new chick he just met," she said with a shrug, like it was no big deal. "I know we wondered last night if he just didn't recognize you because he was drunker than Mel Gibson when he called his wife a pig in heat, but I think it's safe to say, he really doesn't remember who you are. It’s time to face facts, Claire. Your va**na just isn’t that memorable."
“Fuck you,” I mumbled.
“Not tonight dear, I’ve got a headache.”
It wasn't her fault she could be so nonchalant about this whole thing. I never really told her just how much I actually thought about him over the years. She had no idea how much that man sitting out in her living room had occupied my thoughts and dreams. In all the scenarios I made up in my head about someday finding him, they always began the same way. He remembered me and everything about that night immediately and apologized for never trying to find me. We would kiss in the rain, jump hand-in-hand together into a pool and ride horses together along the beach.
Or maybe I've seen one too many tampon commercials.
Seeing him again, knowing that he had no clue about the night we spent together, sucked big time. Especially since I was raising a reminder of that night and had to think about it every time I looked at my son.
"How am I supposed to even begin telling him about Gavin when he has no idea who I am? He is never going to believe me. He’s going to think I’m some nut job who’s looking for child support,” I stopped my pacing and moved to stand next to Liz by the oven.
"Not necessarily. Jim didn’t realize who Drew was until just before you got here when I dragged him into the kitchen, but he knew immediately who Carter was. Said he talked all about you this afternoon when they were at the bar. He knew right away when the poor guy mentioned something about you smelling like chocolate."
I stopped my manic pacing and stared at her. My heart started beating furiously again.
"What?!"
"I guess he told Jim about a girl, and I quote," she paused and brought her hands up to make air quotes. "That he met at a frat party and how he's thought about her for five years. Jim didn't get a chance to elaborate on what all was said because you chose that moment to walk into the house telling everyone about your neglected va**na and two-pump-chump Max."
"Fucking hell," I whispered.
"That's why Jim invited them over. I didn't have a chance to tell him that we saw Carter last night at the bar so he had no idea until our kitchen pow-wow.”
He DID remember me! Well, not me-me, but the 'me' from that night. The 'me' he met at the party. The ‘me’ whose virginity he took.
I need to stop saying 'me'.
"A little advanced notice would have been nice. You know there's this nifty little gadget called a cell phone right?" I complained.
"Oh, shut the f**k up. I was just as surprised as you were. They got here right before you did and Jim had all of thirty seconds to blurt out what was going on while we hung up their coats," she argued as she pulled plates down out of the cupboard.
"There is no way you were even remotely as surprised as me. If I woke up tomorrow with my tits sewn to the curtains, I wouldn't be this much in shock," I replied petulantly.
"Hey, I tried to shut you up. Several times. It's not my fault everyone now knows you have an irritable vagina. Heh, irritable vagina!" she laughed at her own joke. “Maybe it’s like irritable bowel and you can get some medication for it.”
Jim chose that moment to stick his head in the kitchen.
"If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century."
"You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked.
Jim made a production of grabbing his crotch. "Secret handshake - check. And the password is ‘Claire’s Coochie Kills’."
I threw an oven-mitt at him, hitting him square in the face. Just then the buzzer to the oven went off and the doorbell rang.
"That's probably Jenny," Liz said as she opened the oven door and pulled out the pan of lasagna. Being the good friend that I am, I had the foresight to send her a text with the news about Jenny joining us for dinner.
"Perfect timing. We'll all sit down and eat, she will inevitably say a bunch of stupid shit and everyone will forget about your pikachu. That should give you enough time to figure out a way to tell Carter his boys can swim."
***
Fifteen minutes later we were all seated around the dining room table, filling up our plates. Thankfully, my earlier embarrassment was pushed to the side while I watched Drew fall all over Jenny. Unfortunately, I couldn't ignore the Carter situation since he was sitting right across from me and I couldn't stop staring at him.
Fuck he's hot. I mean, really, really hot. He filled out a lot in five years. I bet he works out. He’s probably a runner. He’s got that lean look to him. I wonder who cuts his hair? It looks like he pays a small fortune to make it look like he doesn’t care what it looks like. Totally works for him.
Shit! Focus. Who cares what kind of hair products he uses? How are you going to tell this man he’s a father?
Hey Carter, how about this crazy weather we've been having? Speaking of crazy, your spunk has a crazy backstroke.
The hum of conversation around the table shook me from my thoughts.
“So, I was in the left-hand lane and some idiot tried to come over to where I was. I had to slam on my breaks so I didn't hit the medium."
Everyone stopped what they were doing and waited for Jenny to correct her mistake. Unless she really meant that she almost ran her car into someone who could communicate with the dead.
"Um, Jenny, do you mean median?" Jim asked when the silence around the table lasted for far too long.
She paused with her fork halfway to her mouth and looked at him funny. "Isn't that cement thingy in the middle of the highway called a medium?"
Carter tried to cover up a laugh by coughing, and I saw Drew punch him in the side.
"It's alright, Jenny. You can call it whatever you want to," Drew said, patting her hand in reassurance.
"Oh, Claire, I forgot to tell you. The purchase I made tonight worked awesome!"
I should never have taken a drink of my water at that moment. As soon as the words left Jenny’s mouth, I took a deep breath in shock and the water went down the wrong pipe. I started hacking and coughing, tears running down my face as Liz put her fork down and started smacking me on the back.
"What did you buy?" Drew asked as over a mouthful of noodles and sauce, completely ignoring the fact that I was dying across the table from him.
Carter at least gave me a concerned look and did that half-sitting, half-standing thing like he was getting ready to vault over the table to make sure I was okay. His concern for me was hot.
Hey Carter, speaking of hot - your hot beef injection had a play date with my eggs.
"The best vibrator I've ever owned," Jenny announced proudly, answering Drew’s question.
It was his turn to choke. Some of the lasagna flew out of his mouth as he pounded his fist against his chest and Carter reached over to slap his palm against his back.
It was starting to look like a Heimlich convention in here.
"Seriously, Liz, you have some great products for sale. I can't wait to try out the rest of the stuff I bought. What about you, Claire? Did you get some alone time yet with all the toys everyone bought you tonight?" she said with a wink and a wag of her eyebrows.
"Wait, the girls at the party bought you vibrators?" Liz questioned, suddenly forgetting about the fact that everyone was supposed to be thinking of something other than my down-there-place.
"Nope, this isn't at all uncomfortable. Thanks for asking," I said under my breath, with a roll of my eyes.
"Can we go back to what Jenny was saying? I'd like some more details about her alone time: location, mood lighting, standing up or sitting down and if she’s in need of a spotter next time. I have excellent upper body strength," Drew said with a wink as he recovered from having noodles lodged in his windpipe.
"Eeew," I muttered.
"So you really sell sex toys?" Carter said to me with a dreamy look in his eyes as he leaned in my direction with his elbows resting on the table.
I could feel my face heating up. This was not a conversation I wanted to have with him of all people. I was trying to figure out a way to tell him his love mayonnaise had mad skills and no one at this table could stop talking about vibrators.
"Technically, she doesn't sell them. She's just doing it as a favor to me," Liz chimed in, saving me from trying to explain. "We’re starting up a business together. I'm selling sex toys and she'll sell cookies and candies."
"I like sex and….caaaaandy yeeaaahhh," Drew sang, completely f**king up the words to the song.
"Oh, so in answer to your question Liz—yes!" Jenny said over top of Drew’s poor rendition of the sex and candy song. "Everyone tonight bought Claire a vibrator! How many did you end up with? Eleven?" Jenny asked. "I still can't believe you have never used one on yourself. That's just insanity right there. No orgasm comes close to the ones you can have with one of those puppies."
This was not happening right now. This was a dream wasn't it? Like one of those where you're in front of your entire high school na**d and everyone is pointing at you and laughing. Except this time, I'm lying on the dining room table na**d and everyone is pointing dildos at me.
"Oh my gosh, I know right?" Liz agreed, leaning forward so she could see around me. "I can have multiple orgasms in seconds with the Jack Rabbit."
Liz was a traitor. Benedict Liz. That's what I was calling her from now on. Fucking Benedict Liz.
"No offense baby," she said sheepishly to Jim.
"None take, love. As long as you get off, I'm happy," he said with a smile as he leaned over and kissed her shoulder.
"Claire, you absolutely have to go home tonight and use the Jack Rabbit. And then call me immediately after and give me a report," Jenny said excitedly.
"No, she shouldn't go with JR her first time out of the gate, that will scar her for life. She needs to ease herself into using toys. Did anyone buy you a bullet?" Liz asked casually with a glance in my direction. "A bullet is the best bet for your first time. It's small, doesn't make a lot of noise but it's powerful as shit," Liz explained. “It will take you thirty seconds, tops.”
Are these people seriously discussing how I should give myself an orgasm at the dinner table like they were discussing the directions for putting together a book shelf? Insert slot A into your va**na and twist. What the f**k is happening right now?!
"Sorry," I said to Carter. "My va**na usually isn’t dinner topic conversation."
He was the only one that heard me since everyone else at the table was…fuck! Still talking about my God damned vagina.
“Maybe she should use the blue dolphin. It’s so cute with its bottle nose and adorable little eyes and fin! She could make up a whole story about it swimming up her channel!” Jenny proclaimed.
Carter laughed and gave me a reassuring smile and for some strange reason I wanted to climb over the table and lick his mouth.
"Alright, now I'm curious. Bullets, rabbits, dolphins…are we still talking about vibrators or are you freaky people into bestiality? I want to see these things and what they can do. Claire, go out to your car and bring them in," Drew said as he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. "This thing has a video camera on it somewhere…" he trailed off, pushing a bunch of buttons.
"Really Liz? You're comparing the fact that a guy doesn't remember telling you he'd make out with you because you had nice tits to my sperm-donor'ing one-night-stand sitting twenty feet away and not know who the f**k I am? Really? Is that what you're doing right now because I just want to make sure I understand this correctly and didn't accidentally hit a bong full of bad crack on the way over that I don't know about," I ranted.
Liz rolled her eyes at me. "Jesus, Cranky VonHyperAss, simmer down."
I put my hands on my h*ps and gave her my best "I'm gonna f**k you up look".
"Okay, so this isn't the most ideal situation for meeting back up with your baby daddy, I'll give you that. But it's done. He's here and there's nothing we can do about it now. After all these years of wondering, you finally know who he is so you can tell him about Gavin. So pull up your big-girl thongs and get your ass out there."
We stared at each other blankly for a moment.
"I know what you were going for with that but it didn't work so well," I told her.
"Yeah, I realized that as soon as I said it. Next time I'll just stick with big-girl panties."
I started pacing back and forth across the kitchen.
"What are the f**king odds, Liz? First, he shows up in the bar out of the clear blue and now he's here. In your house. And he's talking to me like I'm some new chick he just met that he wants to get to know."
"Well, technically, you are some new chick he just met," she said with a shrug, like it was no big deal. "I know we wondered last night if he just didn't recognize you because he was drunker than Mel Gibson when he called his wife a pig in heat, but I think it's safe to say, he really doesn't remember who you are. It’s time to face facts, Claire. Your va**na just isn’t that memorable."
“Fuck you,” I mumbled.
“Not tonight dear, I’ve got a headache.”
It wasn't her fault she could be so nonchalant about this whole thing. I never really told her just how much I actually thought about him over the years. She had no idea how much that man sitting out in her living room had occupied my thoughts and dreams. In all the scenarios I made up in my head about someday finding him, they always began the same way. He remembered me and everything about that night immediately and apologized for never trying to find me. We would kiss in the rain, jump hand-in-hand together into a pool and ride horses together along the beach.
Or maybe I've seen one too many tampon commercials.
Seeing him again, knowing that he had no clue about the night we spent together, sucked big time. Especially since I was raising a reminder of that night and had to think about it every time I looked at my son.
"How am I supposed to even begin telling him about Gavin when he has no idea who I am? He is never going to believe me. He’s going to think I’m some nut job who’s looking for child support,” I stopped my pacing and moved to stand next to Liz by the oven.
"Not necessarily. Jim didn’t realize who Drew was until just before you got here when I dragged him into the kitchen, but he knew immediately who Carter was. Said he talked all about you this afternoon when they were at the bar. He knew right away when the poor guy mentioned something about you smelling like chocolate."
I stopped my manic pacing and stared at her. My heart started beating furiously again.
"What?!"
"I guess he told Jim about a girl, and I quote," she paused and brought her hands up to make air quotes. "That he met at a frat party and how he's thought about her for five years. Jim didn't get a chance to elaborate on what all was said because you chose that moment to walk into the house telling everyone about your neglected va**na and two-pump-chump Max."
"Fucking hell," I whispered.
"That's why Jim invited them over. I didn't have a chance to tell him that we saw Carter last night at the bar so he had no idea until our kitchen pow-wow.”
He DID remember me! Well, not me-me, but the 'me' from that night. The 'me' he met at the party. The ‘me’ whose virginity he took.
I need to stop saying 'me'.
"A little advanced notice would have been nice. You know there's this nifty little gadget called a cell phone right?" I complained.
"Oh, shut the f**k up. I was just as surprised as you were. They got here right before you did and Jim had all of thirty seconds to blurt out what was going on while we hung up their coats," she argued as she pulled plates down out of the cupboard.
"There is no way you were even remotely as surprised as me. If I woke up tomorrow with my tits sewn to the curtains, I wouldn't be this much in shock," I replied petulantly.
"Hey, I tried to shut you up. Several times. It's not my fault everyone now knows you have an irritable vagina. Heh, irritable vagina!" she laughed at her own joke. “Maybe it’s like irritable bowel and you can get some medication for it.”
Jim chose that moment to stick his head in the kitchen.
"If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century."
"You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked.
Jim made a production of grabbing his crotch. "Secret handshake - check. And the password is ‘Claire’s Coochie Kills’."
I threw an oven-mitt at him, hitting him square in the face. Just then the buzzer to the oven went off and the doorbell rang.
"That's probably Jenny," Liz said as she opened the oven door and pulled out the pan of lasagna. Being the good friend that I am, I had the foresight to send her a text with the news about Jenny joining us for dinner.
"Perfect timing. We'll all sit down and eat, she will inevitably say a bunch of stupid shit and everyone will forget about your pikachu. That should give you enough time to figure out a way to tell Carter his boys can swim."
***
Fifteen minutes later we were all seated around the dining room table, filling up our plates. Thankfully, my earlier embarrassment was pushed to the side while I watched Drew fall all over Jenny. Unfortunately, I couldn't ignore the Carter situation since he was sitting right across from me and I couldn't stop staring at him.
Fuck he's hot. I mean, really, really hot. He filled out a lot in five years. I bet he works out. He’s probably a runner. He’s got that lean look to him. I wonder who cuts his hair? It looks like he pays a small fortune to make it look like he doesn’t care what it looks like. Totally works for him.
Shit! Focus. Who cares what kind of hair products he uses? How are you going to tell this man he’s a father?
Hey Carter, how about this crazy weather we've been having? Speaking of crazy, your spunk has a crazy backstroke.
The hum of conversation around the table shook me from my thoughts.
“So, I was in the left-hand lane and some idiot tried to come over to where I was. I had to slam on my breaks so I didn't hit the medium."
Everyone stopped what they were doing and waited for Jenny to correct her mistake. Unless she really meant that she almost ran her car into someone who could communicate with the dead.
"Um, Jenny, do you mean median?" Jim asked when the silence around the table lasted for far too long.
She paused with her fork halfway to her mouth and looked at him funny. "Isn't that cement thingy in the middle of the highway called a medium?"
Carter tried to cover up a laugh by coughing, and I saw Drew punch him in the side.
"It's alright, Jenny. You can call it whatever you want to," Drew said, patting her hand in reassurance.
"Oh, Claire, I forgot to tell you. The purchase I made tonight worked awesome!"
I should never have taken a drink of my water at that moment. As soon as the words left Jenny’s mouth, I took a deep breath in shock and the water went down the wrong pipe. I started hacking and coughing, tears running down my face as Liz put her fork down and started smacking me on the back.
"What did you buy?" Drew asked as over a mouthful of noodles and sauce, completely ignoring the fact that I was dying across the table from him.
Carter at least gave me a concerned look and did that half-sitting, half-standing thing like he was getting ready to vault over the table to make sure I was okay. His concern for me was hot.
Hey Carter, speaking of hot - your hot beef injection had a play date with my eggs.
"The best vibrator I've ever owned," Jenny announced proudly, answering Drew’s question.
It was his turn to choke. Some of the lasagna flew out of his mouth as he pounded his fist against his chest and Carter reached over to slap his palm against his back.
It was starting to look like a Heimlich convention in here.
"Seriously, Liz, you have some great products for sale. I can't wait to try out the rest of the stuff I bought. What about you, Claire? Did you get some alone time yet with all the toys everyone bought you tonight?" she said with a wink and a wag of her eyebrows.
"Wait, the girls at the party bought you vibrators?" Liz questioned, suddenly forgetting about the fact that everyone was supposed to be thinking of something other than my down-there-place.
"Nope, this isn't at all uncomfortable. Thanks for asking," I said under my breath, with a roll of my eyes.
"Can we go back to what Jenny was saying? I'd like some more details about her alone time: location, mood lighting, standing up or sitting down and if she’s in need of a spotter next time. I have excellent upper body strength," Drew said with a wink as he recovered from having noodles lodged in his windpipe.
"Eeew," I muttered.
"So you really sell sex toys?" Carter said to me with a dreamy look in his eyes as he leaned in my direction with his elbows resting on the table.
I could feel my face heating up. This was not a conversation I wanted to have with him of all people. I was trying to figure out a way to tell him his love mayonnaise had mad skills and no one at this table could stop talking about vibrators.
"Technically, she doesn't sell them. She's just doing it as a favor to me," Liz chimed in, saving me from trying to explain. "We’re starting up a business together. I'm selling sex toys and she'll sell cookies and candies."
"I like sex and….caaaaandy yeeaaahhh," Drew sang, completely f**king up the words to the song.
"Oh, so in answer to your question Liz—yes!" Jenny said over top of Drew’s poor rendition of the sex and candy song. "Everyone tonight bought Claire a vibrator! How many did you end up with? Eleven?" Jenny asked. "I still can't believe you have never used one on yourself. That's just insanity right there. No orgasm comes close to the ones you can have with one of those puppies."
This was not happening right now. This was a dream wasn't it? Like one of those where you're in front of your entire high school na**d and everyone is pointing at you and laughing. Except this time, I'm lying on the dining room table na**d and everyone is pointing dildos at me.
"Oh my gosh, I know right?" Liz agreed, leaning forward so she could see around me. "I can have multiple orgasms in seconds with the Jack Rabbit."
Liz was a traitor. Benedict Liz. That's what I was calling her from now on. Fucking Benedict Liz.
"No offense baby," she said sheepishly to Jim.
"None take, love. As long as you get off, I'm happy," he said with a smile as he leaned over and kissed her shoulder.
"Claire, you absolutely have to go home tonight and use the Jack Rabbit. And then call me immediately after and give me a report," Jenny said excitedly.
"No, she shouldn't go with JR her first time out of the gate, that will scar her for life. She needs to ease herself into using toys. Did anyone buy you a bullet?" Liz asked casually with a glance in my direction. "A bullet is the best bet for your first time. It's small, doesn't make a lot of noise but it's powerful as shit," Liz explained. “It will take you thirty seconds, tops.”
Are these people seriously discussing how I should give myself an orgasm at the dinner table like they were discussing the directions for putting together a book shelf? Insert slot A into your va**na and twist. What the f**k is happening right now?!
"Sorry," I said to Carter. "My va**na usually isn’t dinner topic conversation."
He was the only one that heard me since everyone else at the table was…fuck! Still talking about my God damned vagina.
“Maybe she should use the blue dolphin. It’s so cute with its bottle nose and adorable little eyes and fin! She could make up a whole story about it swimming up her channel!” Jenny proclaimed.
Carter laughed and gave me a reassuring smile and for some strange reason I wanted to climb over the table and lick his mouth.
"Alright, now I'm curious. Bullets, rabbits, dolphins…are we still talking about vibrators or are you freaky people into bestiality? I want to see these things and what they can do. Claire, go out to your car and bring them in," Drew said as he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. "This thing has a video camera on it somewhere…" he trailed off, pushing a bunch of buttons.
