Seduction and Snacks
Page 7
Who was I kidding? It hadn't been years since I thought about her. Every f**king time I was within a mile radius of someone eating chocolate I thought about her. Shit. It was all Tasha’s fault that I was here right now obsessing about chocolate. My job relocation was going to give us a brand new start in a new place. The fighting between us those last couple of months were brutal, and we both agreed a change of scenery would do our relationship a world of good. Knowing she was going to make the move to this small town with me made it not seem so shitty. Fucking c**k sucker. Literally. Too bad it was never my c**k she sucked. She did it once and said she had TMJ or some shit and never did it again.
TMJ my ass.
Women were the devil. They led you along for years, making you think you would have a future together and then one day you came home and found her on her knees with the neighbor's dick in her mouth and p**n playing on the television. It was all fun and games until someone else's dick was in your girlfriend's TMJ mouth. And it wasn't even good p**n that was playing. It was Looney Toons porn. I shit you not folks. She sucked our neighbor off while Daffy Duck took it up the ass from Bugs Bunny shouting, "P-p-p-p-p-weathe Bugs, harder." That is some serious shit that could never be unseen.
Does it matter that I'm pretty sure I never loved Tasha? That every day with her felt like I was just biding my time until I found her again? I knew it was shitty of me and I probably deserved to walk in on her gargling with the neighbor's spunk, but it still sucked.
Clearing my head of duck-fucking rabbits and depressing thoughts, I raised my glass in the air with an angry growl and waited for the other three to do the same.
"We're drinking to all of the lying bitches in this world that wouldn't know how to tell the truth if it smacked them in the f**king face. Cheers!"
I threw back the shot and slammed my glass down, wondering why the beautiful girl in front of me hadn't drank hers and instead stood there staring at me with a look of horror on her face. I watched her friend elbow her and she quickly sucked that shot down like a champ. And then proceeded to pour herself another. And another. And then, like ten more after that - in a row. She’d obviously overcome her decision that it wasn’t a good idea to drink on the job. Drew and I just kind of sat there watching her in awe. I mean, I drank like ten times that much tonight, but not all at once.
Half the bottle was gone by the time Liz reached over and took it out of her hands.
"Okay there, home slice, I think that's enough for now."
I was seriously losing my ability to focus at this point. I wanted to ask her if I could suck on one of her fingers and see if it tasted like a Snickers bar. I wanted to ask her what her name was and tell her I didn't always do stuff like this, but she was already walking away and I couldn't figure out how to lift up my arm to signal her back. I stared down at my arm resting on the bar and it just sat there like a little piece of shit slacker. I stared really hard at it and thought about it moving, but it didn't work.
Fucking arm. It must be in a union and on a break. I can't feel my teeth.
"Drew, I can't feel my teeth." I tapped my finger against them. I had dreams all the time that my teeth were falling out. Fuck, what if this was one of those dreams? But it can't be a dream because I don't remember falling asleep. In my dreams my teeth were always falling in my lap and there was blood everywhere and no one cared that I was spitting them all out. Every tooth I touch just falls right out and no one looked at me funny even though that was some crazy shit, right? I ran my fingers around the hard edges of all my teeth.
Never mind, it's fine. Teeth are still there.
"Yeah, I think it's time to say nighty-night and get you home, little buddy," Drew said as he got up from his stool and threw a wad of bills down on the bar before pulling my dead arm up and swinging it over his shoulders. I looked up at Drew as he helped me walk out of the bar. "I wanna eat her Snickers finger but my arm teeth won't feel."
I didn't remember much after that.
6. I Got a Big Weiner
I was having the best dream ever. It was one of those hot dreams where you're ha**g s*x and you start having an orgasm and you slowly wake up in the middle of it and you don't know if you really did just have an orgasm or if it was part of the dream, but you know you want it to keep going. I was warm and cozy under the covers, and I slid my hand down between my legs to either do it again or finish it. Right when my fingers started to slip inside my underwear, I opened my eyes and screamed.
"HOLY SHIT!"
My son stood there next to the bed just staring at me. Seriously, two inches from my face just staring at me like those creepy twins in "The Shining." I waited for him to start saying, "Come play with us" in their freaky twin voices while I tried not to have a heart attack.
"Gavin, seriously. You can't just stand here and stare at mommy. It's weird," I grumbled as I put my hand to my aching head and tried to calm my pounding heart.
Sweet Jesus, who kicked me in the head and shit in my mouth last night?
"You said a bad word, Mommy," he informed me as he clambered onto my bed and straddled my waist. My other hand joined the first one on my head and I held on tight, fearing the entire thing was going to explode all over the room.
"Yes, Mommy said bad words. Sometimes mommies say bad words. Just don't ever repeat them, got it?"
He started bouncing up and down on my stomach like he was riding one of those stupid hopping balls with handles.
"Gavin, come on. Mommy doesn't feel good," I complained.
He stopped bouncing and leaned forward to sprawl his body out on top of me, putting his face right up to mine.
"Do you want me ta' beat up your friends, Mommy?" he whispered conspiratorially.
I removed my hands from my head and opened my eyes to look at him.
"What are you talking about, Gav?"
He brought his hands up and put them on my chest, resting his chin on top.
"Your friends, Mommy. The ones who maded you sick," he said in a voice that clearly screamed, "Duh."
I wrapped my arms around his little body and shook my head at him. "I have no idea what you're talking about, buddy."
He let out an exasperated sigh. Poor kid. He got stuck with a dumb mother.
"Papa says your friends Johnny, Jack and Jose maded you sick. Friends shouldn't do stuff like that, Mommy. If Luke maded me sick, I'd punch him in the nuts!"
"Gavin! Come on, we don't say things like that," I scolded him.
"Fine," he huffed. "I'd tickle him in the nuts."
Jesus Christ on a waffle cone. There's a reason why some animals in the wild eat their young.
"Just don't talk about nuts," I said with a sigh, rolling over so he slipped down onto the bed next to me with a giggle as he went.
"My best friend Luke talks about nuts. He showed me his wiener once. Do girls have wieners? Papa took me to breakfast and I ate fwee pancakes wif syrup and sausages, and Papa let me have Dr. Pepper last night wif dinner, and I told him I'm not allowed to have pop wif dinner but he told me not to tell you, and I said okay but I forgot. Can we go to the park?"
Make it stop. Please God just make it stop.
"SO HOW YOU FEELING THERE CLAIRE?" my dad screamed at the top of his lungs as he lounged against the door frame to my room with a cup of coffee in his hand.
I squinted one eye open and peered at him through it, trying to muster up a dirty look but my face hurt too much to do that.
"Really funny there, old man. Don't make me come over there and punch you. When I don't feel like puking. And my legs start to work again," I muttered as Gavin fidgeted and kicked and scrambled his way over top of me to get off the bed.
He ran across the room to my dad and threw himself at his legs, his head smacking into the family jewels.
"Shit! Gavin, you gotta be careful there, buddy," my dad wheezed as he picked him up.
"Papa, can we go to the shit-park?"
I have to give it to my dad, he never laughed at that shit. Er, stuff. I don't know how the hell he always kept his composure. As long as Gavin didn't do that sh..stuff in public and embarrass the hell out of me, it was hard not to laugh.
"Gavin, remember the talk we had last night about big-people words? Well, shit is one of those big-people words. You don't say it," my dad said sternly as he looked into Gavin's eyes.
"Can I says it when I'm a big boy?"
"Yes, you can SAY it when you're a big boy," he replied.
Gavin seemed satisfied with that answer and forgot all about the shit-park. My dad put him down and he ran out the door and down the hall to his room.
"Thanks for watching him last night after Liz got home to Jim," I said as I pushed myself up in bed and leaned against the headboard.
"Yep."
He stood there staring at me silently while he sipped his hot coffee. He knew something was up. I liked to have some drinks every now and then, but getting tanked like I did last night, especially at work, meant something bad happened. Thank God Liz stayed with me at the bar all night and made sure I didn’t drop any more glasses or puke in someone’s lap.
I don’t even know how I’m supposed to process what happened last night. Or more to the point, who happened last night. As soon as I saw his face, I knew. Those eyes were a dead give-away. Aside from the fact that I used to dream about those blue eyes and would remember his face no matter how much time had passed, I’ve had to look into those same eyes every single day for the past four years.
Fuck!
I'm pretty sure the wet dream I was having this morning was about him too.
Double fuck!
His voice was a dead giveaway as well. That deep raspy voice that murmured the words "Jesus, you're so f**king beautiful" in that dark bedroom five years ago floated through my mind all the time. After I tipped the tray full of glasses and dropped down behind the bar, I sent a panicked look to the other end where Liz sat. Without hesitating, she got to my side to see what was wrong. My frantic words of “OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, IT’S HIM, HOLY SHIT LIZ IT’S HIM AND HE’S HERE AND HE SAW ME AND OH MY GOD I CAN’T DO THIS RIGHT NOW!” spurned her into action and she popped her head up to get a better look at him. After just a few seconds she dropped back down to my hiding place and with a squeal and a clap of her hands she confirmed it was him.
My dad stood there in the doorway tapping his foot, waiting for me to proceed. I needed more time to think about what I was going to do, but I never kept anything from my dad. With a huge dramatic sigh, I let it out. "He came into the bar last night."
Dad stared at me questioningly for a few seconds before it clicked and his eyes grew wide and his mouth fell open. He knew exactly who I was referring to. There were only a small handful of men in my life, and we both knew I would call them by name if I was talking about them. The only person we ever referred to as "he" over the last few years was….
Fuck! I still don't know his God damn f**king name!
"Did you get his name this time?" my dad asked sarcastically, practically reading my mind.
I shook my head and let it drop into my hands.
My dad let out a sigh. "Well, if he comes back into the bar and you need me to kill him, let me know. I can make it look like an accident."
If you're George Morgan’s enemy and you can see him, it's too late. He already killed you and you just don't realize it yet.
***
After a shower and two cups of coffee, I almost felt human. I checked my voicemail while Gavin got dressed and there was a message from Liz. She told me to meet her at the old location of Andrea’s Bakery as soon as I woke up. She wanted me to look at the place before I had a chance to freak out about the bomb she dropped on me in the car the previous night. Liz knew me entirely too well. She knew as soon as I came to my senses I would tell her there was absolutely no way I would let her buy me a freaking business. She was out of her mind. Forcing me to meet her at the shop was cheating as far as I was concerned. Liz was smart though, I’ll give her that. She knew this would take my mind off of my other situation.
Butler was a small college town that had a town square right in the heart of it where all of the mom-and-pop-type stores were located. Andrea’s Bakery was situated on the busiest corner. I had to clamp down my excitement as I buckled Gavin into his car seat and headed towards downtown. I would not get my hopes up about this yet. There were entirely too many things to work out and consider. How much rent would I have to pay Liz? What would Gavin and I do about healthcare? Would Liz and I be partners with this whole thing or two separate entities just sharing a space? Could our friendship survive something like this? Would Gavin have to skip college and spend his life as a male prostitute just to make end’s meet because I stuck every penny into a business that tanked?
Fuck, this was going to throw me into a panic attack.
"Are we going to Auntie Wiz’s house?" Gavin asked from the backseat, looking out his window at the cars and houses we passed.
I looked at him in the rearview mirror and reminded myself that whatever I did was all for him. He deserved the best life, and I was determined to give that to him.
"No, bud, we're not going to her house. But we are going to see her," I told him as I pulled up in front of the building a few minutes later.
I sat in the car for a minute staring at our building. It was right on the corner and windows took up the entire front of the store, wrapping around to take up the whole other side as well. It was the perfect corner store where we could each have our own window displays. Andrea’s Bakery had recently been repainted bright white and had brand new flower boxes installed beneath the windows overflowing with Gerbera daisies in every color. It looked beautiful.
TMJ my ass.
Women were the devil. They led you along for years, making you think you would have a future together and then one day you came home and found her on her knees with the neighbor's dick in her mouth and p**n playing on the television. It was all fun and games until someone else's dick was in your girlfriend's TMJ mouth. And it wasn't even good p**n that was playing. It was Looney Toons porn. I shit you not folks. She sucked our neighbor off while Daffy Duck took it up the ass from Bugs Bunny shouting, "P-p-p-p-p-weathe Bugs, harder." That is some serious shit that could never be unseen.
Does it matter that I'm pretty sure I never loved Tasha? That every day with her felt like I was just biding my time until I found her again? I knew it was shitty of me and I probably deserved to walk in on her gargling with the neighbor's spunk, but it still sucked.
Clearing my head of duck-fucking rabbits and depressing thoughts, I raised my glass in the air with an angry growl and waited for the other three to do the same.
"We're drinking to all of the lying bitches in this world that wouldn't know how to tell the truth if it smacked them in the f**king face. Cheers!"
I threw back the shot and slammed my glass down, wondering why the beautiful girl in front of me hadn't drank hers and instead stood there staring at me with a look of horror on her face. I watched her friend elbow her and she quickly sucked that shot down like a champ. And then proceeded to pour herself another. And another. And then, like ten more after that - in a row. She’d obviously overcome her decision that it wasn’t a good idea to drink on the job. Drew and I just kind of sat there watching her in awe. I mean, I drank like ten times that much tonight, but not all at once.
Half the bottle was gone by the time Liz reached over and took it out of her hands.
"Okay there, home slice, I think that's enough for now."
I was seriously losing my ability to focus at this point. I wanted to ask her if I could suck on one of her fingers and see if it tasted like a Snickers bar. I wanted to ask her what her name was and tell her I didn't always do stuff like this, but she was already walking away and I couldn't figure out how to lift up my arm to signal her back. I stared down at my arm resting on the bar and it just sat there like a little piece of shit slacker. I stared really hard at it and thought about it moving, but it didn't work.
Fucking arm. It must be in a union and on a break. I can't feel my teeth.
"Drew, I can't feel my teeth." I tapped my finger against them. I had dreams all the time that my teeth were falling out. Fuck, what if this was one of those dreams? But it can't be a dream because I don't remember falling asleep. In my dreams my teeth were always falling in my lap and there was blood everywhere and no one cared that I was spitting them all out. Every tooth I touch just falls right out and no one looked at me funny even though that was some crazy shit, right? I ran my fingers around the hard edges of all my teeth.
Never mind, it's fine. Teeth are still there.
"Yeah, I think it's time to say nighty-night and get you home, little buddy," Drew said as he got up from his stool and threw a wad of bills down on the bar before pulling my dead arm up and swinging it over his shoulders. I looked up at Drew as he helped me walk out of the bar. "I wanna eat her Snickers finger but my arm teeth won't feel."
I didn't remember much after that.
6. I Got a Big Weiner
I was having the best dream ever. It was one of those hot dreams where you're ha**g s*x and you start having an orgasm and you slowly wake up in the middle of it and you don't know if you really did just have an orgasm or if it was part of the dream, but you know you want it to keep going. I was warm and cozy under the covers, and I slid my hand down between my legs to either do it again or finish it. Right when my fingers started to slip inside my underwear, I opened my eyes and screamed.
"HOLY SHIT!"
My son stood there next to the bed just staring at me. Seriously, two inches from my face just staring at me like those creepy twins in "The Shining." I waited for him to start saying, "Come play with us" in their freaky twin voices while I tried not to have a heart attack.
"Gavin, seriously. You can't just stand here and stare at mommy. It's weird," I grumbled as I put my hand to my aching head and tried to calm my pounding heart.
Sweet Jesus, who kicked me in the head and shit in my mouth last night?
"You said a bad word, Mommy," he informed me as he clambered onto my bed and straddled my waist. My other hand joined the first one on my head and I held on tight, fearing the entire thing was going to explode all over the room.
"Yes, Mommy said bad words. Sometimes mommies say bad words. Just don't ever repeat them, got it?"
He started bouncing up and down on my stomach like he was riding one of those stupid hopping balls with handles.
"Gavin, come on. Mommy doesn't feel good," I complained.
He stopped bouncing and leaned forward to sprawl his body out on top of me, putting his face right up to mine.
"Do you want me ta' beat up your friends, Mommy?" he whispered conspiratorially.
I removed my hands from my head and opened my eyes to look at him.
"What are you talking about, Gav?"
He brought his hands up and put them on my chest, resting his chin on top.
"Your friends, Mommy. The ones who maded you sick," he said in a voice that clearly screamed, "Duh."
I wrapped my arms around his little body and shook my head at him. "I have no idea what you're talking about, buddy."
He let out an exasperated sigh. Poor kid. He got stuck with a dumb mother.
"Papa says your friends Johnny, Jack and Jose maded you sick. Friends shouldn't do stuff like that, Mommy. If Luke maded me sick, I'd punch him in the nuts!"
"Gavin! Come on, we don't say things like that," I scolded him.
"Fine," he huffed. "I'd tickle him in the nuts."
Jesus Christ on a waffle cone. There's a reason why some animals in the wild eat their young.
"Just don't talk about nuts," I said with a sigh, rolling over so he slipped down onto the bed next to me with a giggle as he went.
"My best friend Luke talks about nuts. He showed me his wiener once. Do girls have wieners? Papa took me to breakfast and I ate fwee pancakes wif syrup and sausages, and Papa let me have Dr. Pepper last night wif dinner, and I told him I'm not allowed to have pop wif dinner but he told me not to tell you, and I said okay but I forgot. Can we go to the park?"
Make it stop. Please God just make it stop.
"SO HOW YOU FEELING THERE CLAIRE?" my dad screamed at the top of his lungs as he lounged against the door frame to my room with a cup of coffee in his hand.
I squinted one eye open and peered at him through it, trying to muster up a dirty look but my face hurt too much to do that.
"Really funny there, old man. Don't make me come over there and punch you. When I don't feel like puking. And my legs start to work again," I muttered as Gavin fidgeted and kicked and scrambled his way over top of me to get off the bed.
He ran across the room to my dad and threw himself at his legs, his head smacking into the family jewels.
"Shit! Gavin, you gotta be careful there, buddy," my dad wheezed as he picked him up.
"Papa, can we go to the shit-park?"
I have to give it to my dad, he never laughed at that shit. Er, stuff. I don't know how the hell he always kept his composure. As long as Gavin didn't do that sh..stuff in public and embarrass the hell out of me, it was hard not to laugh.
"Gavin, remember the talk we had last night about big-people words? Well, shit is one of those big-people words. You don't say it," my dad said sternly as he looked into Gavin's eyes.
"Can I says it when I'm a big boy?"
"Yes, you can SAY it when you're a big boy," he replied.
Gavin seemed satisfied with that answer and forgot all about the shit-park. My dad put him down and he ran out the door and down the hall to his room.
"Thanks for watching him last night after Liz got home to Jim," I said as I pushed myself up in bed and leaned against the headboard.
"Yep."
He stood there staring at me silently while he sipped his hot coffee. He knew something was up. I liked to have some drinks every now and then, but getting tanked like I did last night, especially at work, meant something bad happened. Thank God Liz stayed with me at the bar all night and made sure I didn’t drop any more glasses or puke in someone’s lap.
I don’t even know how I’m supposed to process what happened last night. Or more to the point, who happened last night. As soon as I saw his face, I knew. Those eyes were a dead give-away. Aside from the fact that I used to dream about those blue eyes and would remember his face no matter how much time had passed, I’ve had to look into those same eyes every single day for the past four years.
Fuck!
I'm pretty sure the wet dream I was having this morning was about him too.
Double fuck!
His voice was a dead giveaway as well. That deep raspy voice that murmured the words "Jesus, you're so f**king beautiful" in that dark bedroom five years ago floated through my mind all the time. After I tipped the tray full of glasses and dropped down behind the bar, I sent a panicked look to the other end where Liz sat. Without hesitating, she got to my side to see what was wrong. My frantic words of “OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, IT’S HIM, HOLY SHIT LIZ IT’S HIM AND HE’S HERE AND HE SAW ME AND OH MY GOD I CAN’T DO THIS RIGHT NOW!” spurned her into action and she popped her head up to get a better look at him. After just a few seconds she dropped back down to my hiding place and with a squeal and a clap of her hands she confirmed it was him.
My dad stood there in the doorway tapping his foot, waiting for me to proceed. I needed more time to think about what I was going to do, but I never kept anything from my dad. With a huge dramatic sigh, I let it out. "He came into the bar last night."
Dad stared at me questioningly for a few seconds before it clicked and his eyes grew wide and his mouth fell open. He knew exactly who I was referring to. There were only a small handful of men in my life, and we both knew I would call them by name if I was talking about them. The only person we ever referred to as "he" over the last few years was….
Fuck! I still don't know his God damn f**king name!
"Did you get his name this time?" my dad asked sarcastically, practically reading my mind.
I shook my head and let it drop into my hands.
My dad let out a sigh. "Well, if he comes back into the bar and you need me to kill him, let me know. I can make it look like an accident."
If you're George Morgan’s enemy and you can see him, it's too late. He already killed you and you just don't realize it yet.
***
After a shower and two cups of coffee, I almost felt human. I checked my voicemail while Gavin got dressed and there was a message from Liz. She told me to meet her at the old location of Andrea’s Bakery as soon as I woke up. She wanted me to look at the place before I had a chance to freak out about the bomb she dropped on me in the car the previous night. Liz knew me entirely too well. She knew as soon as I came to my senses I would tell her there was absolutely no way I would let her buy me a freaking business. She was out of her mind. Forcing me to meet her at the shop was cheating as far as I was concerned. Liz was smart though, I’ll give her that. She knew this would take my mind off of my other situation.
Butler was a small college town that had a town square right in the heart of it where all of the mom-and-pop-type stores were located. Andrea’s Bakery was situated on the busiest corner. I had to clamp down my excitement as I buckled Gavin into his car seat and headed towards downtown. I would not get my hopes up about this yet. There were entirely too many things to work out and consider. How much rent would I have to pay Liz? What would Gavin and I do about healthcare? Would Liz and I be partners with this whole thing or two separate entities just sharing a space? Could our friendship survive something like this? Would Gavin have to skip college and spend his life as a male prostitute just to make end’s meet because I stuck every penny into a business that tanked?
Fuck, this was going to throw me into a panic attack.
"Are we going to Auntie Wiz’s house?" Gavin asked from the backseat, looking out his window at the cars and houses we passed.
I looked at him in the rearview mirror and reminded myself that whatever I did was all for him. He deserved the best life, and I was determined to give that to him.
"No, bud, we're not going to her house. But we are going to see her," I told him as I pulled up in front of the building a few minutes later.
I sat in the car for a minute staring at our building. It was right on the corner and windows took up the entire front of the store, wrapping around to take up the whole other side as well. It was the perfect corner store where we could each have our own window displays. Andrea’s Bakery had recently been repainted bright white and had brand new flower boxes installed beneath the windows overflowing with Gerbera daisies in every color. It looked beautiful.
