Seductive Chaos
Page 60
Oh shit.
But luckily for them, after Paco got over his nerves, he settled in. He was a pretty good rock singer and Maysie was right, he knew all the lyrics to the songs. And while the crowd wasn’t as energetic as they normally were, they seemed to be enjoying it enough.
I turned back to the bar to order myself another beer when I caught a movement outside the front window of the restaurant. I looked more closely and saw a recognizable shock of dark hair and the glint of light from a lip ring I knew all too well.
It was Cole.
He didn’t come inside. He stood out in the cold, looking in through the window, a pained expression on his face.
I didn’t move for the longest time. I could only watch him as he watched his band perform without him.
And then I was on my feet.
I pushed through the crowd and hurried outside just as Cole was turning to leave.
“Cole!” I called out.
He looked up and I was shocked to see the gleaming wetness in his eyes. I had never seen Cole cry. Ever. But right then, I knew he was about to.
This was a man whose heart was breaking.
And mine broke for him.
He shoved his hands into his pockets and started to walk past me. I reached out and grabbed his arm, my fingers digging through the worn leather of his jacket tightly. Not letting go.
“Don’t go,” I said, pleading with him. For what I didn’t know.
He shook his head, his hair falling into his face. Looking at him under the glow of Barton’s neon sign, he looked older than the last time I saw him. He looked haggard and tired.
“I can’t stay here, Viv. I just can’t.” His voice broke and his words twisted in anguish.
He was killing me.
This wasn’t a Cole I had ever seen before. And I didn’t know what to say or do. I was speechless.
“They’ve replaced me,” he said quietly.
I shook my head. “It’s just Paco-” I started but he cut me off.
“They don’t need me anymore.”
He bit down on his lip, his eyes trained to the ground.
“I thought that’s what I wanted. I thought I didn’t need them. I was wrong. I was so f**king wrong. But now it’s too late.”
Then he looked up, his eyes meeting mine and they ripped a hole through my chest.
Slowly, he reached out, his ice-cold fingers softly touching my cheek. They lingered there as if he couldn’t help himself.
“I’m always too late. And now I’ve lost everything.”
And then he dropped his hand. I felt the absence of his touch instantly. He shoved his hands back into his pockets and walked away, his feet hurried as though he couldn’t get away fast enough.
17
After Cole had left, I went back into Barton’s and didn’t mention a thing. I didn’t tell anyone that I had seen him.
I was unwilling to share with his friends or mine about my run-in with an obviously devastated Cole.
I’m always too late. And now I’ve lost everything.
The way he had touched my face and looked into my eyes unsettled me in the worst possible way.
I tried to convince myself that he was talking about his band when he uttered those cryptic words.
What else could he mean?
But from the way he gazed at me with such longing, it almost had me imagining those words were meant for me as well.
I was ridiculous.
Here I was, still holding onto the unrealistic hope that the man I had casually slept with for the past two years would wake up one day and realize I was the only one for him.
My romantic delusions would be my undoing.
The rest of Generation Rejects 2.0’s performance wasn’t half-bad. Paco did a decent job covering the songs we all knew and loved and eventually the crowd seemed to forgive him for not being the man we all wanted him to be.
When they were finished and the bar closed down, I didn’t feel up for sticking around for the after show drinks. I couldn’t laugh and joke around with my friends when I knew somewhere not far away, a certain someone was home alone and grieving the loss of something that meant so much to him.
I got into my car and headed home but somehow I ended up on a dead end street staring at Cole’s old clunker sitting in front of his rundown apartment building in the worst part of town.
My car idled in the middle of the road as I looked up at the second story window where a light was on and the curtains drawn.
Should I go up?
Should I call him?
And now I’ve lost everything.
His words were haunting me.
The look in his eyes was destroying me.
But I did the only thing anyone would do when they were desperately trying to protect their heart and soul.
I put my car into gear and drove home.
I slept like crap, spending most of the night tossing and turning in my bed. I woke up for work the next morning exhausted and angry with myself.
Why was I letting Cole get to me like this? Why was I letting him dominate my every thought?
So what! He had shown me a sliver of vulnerability! That didn’t mean that he had changed. That didn’t mean that he wasn’t still the same self-serving dick he had always been.
I couldn’t let three days with him back in town detonate my entire life. I needed to remember that self-respect was essential for the Vivian New World Order that I was instituting.
And self-respect did not mean crawling back to the man who had used me for years just because he seemed sad!
I was so focused on my internal pep talk I startled when I found Gracie awake, dressed, and making breakfast.
But luckily for them, after Paco got over his nerves, he settled in. He was a pretty good rock singer and Maysie was right, he knew all the lyrics to the songs. And while the crowd wasn’t as energetic as they normally were, they seemed to be enjoying it enough.
I turned back to the bar to order myself another beer when I caught a movement outside the front window of the restaurant. I looked more closely and saw a recognizable shock of dark hair and the glint of light from a lip ring I knew all too well.
It was Cole.
He didn’t come inside. He stood out in the cold, looking in through the window, a pained expression on his face.
I didn’t move for the longest time. I could only watch him as he watched his band perform without him.
And then I was on my feet.
I pushed through the crowd and hurried outside just as Cole was turning to leave.
“Cole!” I called out.
He looked up and I was shocked to see the gleaming wetness in his eyes. I had never seen Cole cry. Ever. But right then, I knew he was about to.
This was a man whose heart was breaking.
And mine broke for him.
He shoved his hands into his pockets and started to walk past me. I reached out and grabbed his arm, my fingers digging through the worn leather of his jacket tightly. Not letting go.
“Don’t go,” I said, pleading with him. For what I didn’t know.
He shook his head, his hair falling into his face. Looking at him under the glow of Barton’s neon sign, he looked older than the last time I saw him. He looked haggard and tired.
“I can’t stay here, Viv. I just can’t.” His voice broke and his words twisted in anguish.
He was killing me.
This wasn’t a Cole I had ever seen before. And I didn’t know what to say or do. I was speechless.
“They’ve replaced me,” he said quietly.
I shook my head. “It’s just Paco-” I started but he cut me off.
“They don’t need me anymore.”
He bit down on his lip, his eyes trained to the ground.
“I thought that’s what I wanted. I thought I didn’t need them. I was wrong. I was so f**king wrong. But now it’s too late.”
Then he looked up, his eyes meeting mine and they ripped a hole through my chest.
Slowly, he reached out, his ice-cold fingers softly touching my cheek. They lingered there as if he couldn’t help himself.
“I’m always too late. And now I’ve lost everything.”
And then he dropped his hand. I felt the absence of his touch instantly. He shoved his hands back into his pockets and walked away, his feet hurried as though he couldn’t get away fast enough.
17
After Cole had left, I went back into Barton’s and didn’t mention a thing. I didn’t tell anyone that I had seen him.
I was unwilling to share with his friends or mine about my run-in with an obviously devastated Cole.
I’m always too late. And now I’ve lost everything.
The way he had touched my face and looked into my eyes unsettled me in the worst possible way.
I tried to convince myself that he was talking about his band when he uttered those cryptic words.
What else could he mean?
But from the way he gazed at me with such longing, it almost had me imagining those words were meant for me as well.
I was ridiculous.
Here I was, still holding onto the unrealistic hope that the man I had casually slept with for the past two years would wake up one day and realize I was the only one for him.
My romantic delusions would be my undoing.
The rest of Generation Rejects 2.0’s performance wasn’t half-bad. Paco did a decent job covering the songs we all knew and loved and eventually the crowd seemed to forgive him for not being the man we all wanted him to be.
When they were finished and the bar closed down, I didn’t feel up for sticking around for the after show drinks. I couldn’t laugh and joke around with my friends when I knew somewhere not far away, a certain someone was home alone and grieving the loss of something that meant so much to him.
I got into my car and headed home but somehow I ended up on a dead end street staring at Cole’s old clunker sitting in front of his rundown apartment building in the worst part of town.
My car idled in the middle of the road as I looked up at the second story window where a light was on and the curtains drawn.
Should I go up?
Should I call him?
And now I’ve lost everything.
His words were haunting me.
The look in his eyes was destroying me.
But I did the only thing anyone would do when they were desperately trying to protect their heart and soul.
I put my car into gear and drove home.
I slept like crap, spending most of the night tossing and turning in my bed. I woke up for work the next morning exhausted and angry with myself.
Why was I letting Cole get to me like this? Why was I letting him dominate my every thought?
So what! He had shown me a sliver of vulnerability! That didn’t mean that he had changed. That didn’t mean that he wasn’t still the same self-serving dick he had always been.
I couldn’t let three days with him back in town detonate my entire life. I needed to remember that self-respect was essential for the Vivian New World Order that I was instituting.
And self-respect did not mean crawling back to the man who had used me for years just because he seemed sad!
I was so focused on my internal pep talk I startled when I found Gracie awake, dressed, and making breakfast.
