Shadowfever
Page 132
I know who killed Alina.
Ah. The single word said more than most people can say in entire paragraphs. Beyond a shadow?
Black and white.
He waited. He didnt ask. And I suddenly understood that he wouldnt. This was part of who he was. Barrons did feel, and when he felt most strongly, he spoke the least, asked the fewest questions. Even from here I could feel the tension in his body as he waited to see if I would tell him more. If I didnt, he would continue walking through the store and vanish as silently as hed glided into view.
But if I spoke? What if I asked him to make love to me? Not fuck me hard, but make love.
It was Dani.
He said nothing for so long that I began to think he hadnt heard me. Then he released a long, weary-sounding breath. Mac, Im sorry.
I looked up at him. What do I do? I was appalled to hear my voice crack.
Youve done nothing yet?
I shook my head.
What do you want to do?
I laughed bitterly and nearly began sobbing. Pretend I never found out and go on like it never happened.
Then thats what you do.
I tipped my head back and looked up at him in disbelief. What? Barrons, the great hand of vengeance, is telling me to forgive and forget? You never forgive. You never walk away from a fight.
I like to fight. You do, too, sometimes. But in this case, it doesnt sound like it.
Its not that II mean its God, its so complicated!
Life is. Imperfect. Royally fucked up. How do you feel about her?
I felt like a traitor answering him.
Let me rephrase that: How did you feel about her before you found out shed killed Alina?
loved her, I whispered.
Do you think love just goes away? Pops out of existence when it becomes too painful or inconvenient, as if you never felt it?
I looked at him. What did Jericho Barrons know of love?
If only it did. If only it could be turned off. Its not a faucet. Loves a bloody river with level-five rapids. Only a catastrophic act of nature or a dam has any chance of stopping itand then usually only succeeds in diverting it. Both measures are extreme and change the terrain so much you end up wondering why you bothered. No landmarks to gauge your position when its done. Only way to survive is to devise new ways to map out life. You loved her yesterday, you love her today. And she did something that devastates you. Youll love her tomorrow.
She killed my sister!
With malice? Spite? Out of cruelty? Hunger for power?
How would I know?
You love her, he said roughly. That means you know her. When you love somebody you see inside them. Use your heart. Is Dani that kind of person?
Jericho Barrons was telling me to use my heart. Could life get any stranger?
Think maybe somebody told her to do it?
She should have known better!
Humans, in their infancy, tend to be infants.
Are you making excuses for her? I snarled.
There is no excuse. Im merely pointing out what you want me to point out. How has Dani treated you since the day you met?
It hurt to even say the words. Like a big sister she looked up to.
Has she been loyal to you? Taken your side against others?
I nodded. Even when shed thought Id hooked up with Darroc, shed have remained at my side. Followed me into hell.
She must have known you were Alinas sister.
Yes.
Coming to see you would have felt like facing the firing squad, every time.
Id told her we were like sisters. And sisters, Id told her, forgive each other everything. Id caught a glimpse of her face in the mirror after Id said it, when she hadnt known I was looking. Her expression had been bleak, and now I understood why. Because shed been thinking, Yeah, right. Macs gonna kill me if she ever finds out. Yet shed still kept coming. When I thought about it, I was astonished she hadnt hunted down and killed those Unseelie, removing the damning evidence from the face of the earth.
He was silent a long moment, then, Did she actually kill Alina? With her hands? A weapon?
Why do you ask?
Everything has degrees.
You think some ways of killing are better?
I know they are.
Death is death!
Agreed. But killing is not always murder.
I think she took her somewhere she knew shed be killed.
Now you dont sound certain she killed her.
I told him what had happened last night, what the Unseelie had said, how Alinas body had looked, how Dani had vanished.
He nodded in silent agreement when I was finished.
So, what do I do?
Are you asking me for advice?
I braced myself for a sarcastic comment. Dont snap my head off, okay? I had a bad night.
Wasnt going to. He sat down on his heels in front of me and looked into my eyes. This one got you. Worse than all the other things that happened to you. Worse than being turned Pri-ya.
Ah. The single word said more than most people can say in entire paragraphs. Beyond a shadow?
Black and white.
He waited. He didnt ask. And I suddenly understood that he wouldnt. This was part of who he was. Barrons did feel, and when he felt most strongly, he spoke the least, asked the fewest questions. Even from here I could feel the tension in his body as he waited to see if I would tell him more. If I didnt, he would continue walking through the store and vanish as silently as hed glided into view.
But if I spoke? What if I asked him to make love to me? Not fuck me hard, but make love.
It was Dani.
He said nothing for so long that I began to think he hadnt heard me. Then he released a long, weary-sounding breath. Mac, Im sorry.
I looked up at him. What do I do? I was appalled to hear my voice crack.
Youve done nothing yet?
I shook my head.
What do you want to do?
I laughed bitterly and nearly began sobbing. Pretend I never found out and go on like it never happened.
Then thats what you do.
I tipped my head back and looked up at him in disbelief. What? Barrons, the great hand of vengeance, is telling me to forgive and forget? You never forgive. You never walk away from a fight.
I like to fight. You do, too, sometimes. But in this case, it doesnt sound like it.
Its not that II mean its God, its so complicated!
Life is. Imperfect. Royally fucked up. How do you feel about her?
I felt like a traitor answering him.
Let me rephrase that: How did you feel about her before you found out shed killed Alina?
loved her, I whispered.
Do you think love just goes away? Pops out of existence when it becomes too painful or inconvenient, as if you never felt it?
I looked at him. What did Jericho Barrons know of love?
If only it did. If only it could be turned off. Its not a faucet. Loves a bloody river with level-five rapids. Only a catastrophic act of nature or a dam has any chance of stopping itand then usually only succeeds in diverting it. Both measures are extreme and change the terrain so much you end up wondering why you bothered. No landmarks to gauge your position when its done. Only way to survive is to devise new ways to map out life. You loved her yesterday, you love her today. And she did something that devastates you. Youll love her tomorrow.
She killed my sister!
With malice? Spite? Out of cruelty? Hunger for power?
How would I know?
You love her, he said roughly. That means you know her. When you love somebody you see inside them. Use your heart. Is Dani that kind of person?
Jericho Barrons was telling me to use my heart. Could life get any stranger?
Think maybe somebody told her to do it?
She should have known better!
Humans, in their infancy, tend to be infants.
Are you making excuses for her? I snarled.
There is no excuse. Im merely pointing out what you want me to point out. How has Dani treated you since the day you met?
It hurt to even say the words. Like a big sister she looked up to.
Has she been loyal to you? Taken your side against others?
I nodded. Even when shed thought Id hooked up with Darroc, shed have remained at my side. Followed me into hell.
She must have known you were Alinas sister.
Yes.
Coming to see you would have felt like facing the firing squad, every time.
Id told her we were like sisters. And sisters, Id told her, forgive each other everything. Id caught a glimpse of her face in the mirror after Id said it, when she hadnt known I was looking. Her expression had been bleak, and now I understood why. Because shed been thinking, Yeah, right. Macs gonna kill me if she ever finds out. Yet shed still kept coming. When I thought about it, I was astonished she hadnt hunted down and killed those Unseelie, removing the damning evidence from the face of the earth.
He was silent a long moment, then, Did she actually kill Alina? With her hands? A weapon?
Why do you ask?
Everything has degrees.
You think some ways of killing are better?
I know they are.
Death is death!
Agreed. But killing is not always murder.
I think she took her somewhere she knew shed be killed.
Now you dont sound certain she killed her.
I told him what had happened last night, what the Unseelie had said, how Alinas body had looked, how Dani had vanished.
He nodded in silent agreement when I was finished.
So, what do I do?
Are you asking me for advice?
I braced myself for a sarcastic comment. Dont snap my head off, okay? I had a bad night.
Wasnt going to. He sat down on his heels in front of me and looked into my eyes. This one got you. Worse than all the other things that happened to you. Worse than being turned Pri-ya.
