Shadowfever
Page 144
And Im Barrons, staring down at him
His eyes say, I know you wont let me die.
His eyes say, I know you will make the pain stop.
His eyes said, Trust/love/adore/youareperfect/ you willalwayskeepmesafe/youaremyworld.
But I didnt keep him safe.
And I cant make his pain stop.
Wed been in the desert holding this child, this very boy in our arms, losing him, loving him, grieving him, feeling his life slip away
I see him there. His yesterdays. His today. The tomorrows that will never be.
I see his pain and it shreds me.
I see his absolute love and it shames me.
He smiles at me. He gives me all his love in his eyes.
It begins to fade.
No! I roar. You will not die! You will not leave me!
I stare into his eyes for what seems a thousand days.
I see him. I hold him. He is there.
He is gone.
But hes not gone. Hes right here with me. The boy presses his face to the bars. He smiles at me. He gives me all his love in his eyes. I melt. If I could be someones mother, I would take this child and keep him safe forever.
I push to my feet, moving as if Im in a trance. Ive held this child, inside Barrons head. As Barrons, I loved him and I lost him. In sharing that vision, it became my wound, too.
I dont understand. How are you alive? Why are you here? Why had Barrons experienced his death? There was no question that he had. Id been there. Id tasted it, too. It was reminiscent of the regrets Id felt about Alina
Come back, come back, you want to scream just one more minute. Just one more smile one more chance to do things right. But hes gone. Hes gone. Where did he go? What happens to life when it leaves? Does it go somewhere or is it just fucking gone?
How are you here? I say wonderingly.
He speaks to me, and I dont understand a word of it. Its a language dead and forgotten. But I hear the plaintive tones. I hear a word that sounds like Ma-ma.
Choking back a sob, I reach for him.
As I slip my arms through the bars and gather his small, naked body into my arms, as his dark head floats into the hollow where my shoulder meets my neck, fangs puncture my skin, and the beautiful little boy rips out my throat.
42
I die for a long time.
Much longer than I think it should take.
Figures Id die slow and in pain. I pass out several times and am surprised that I regain consciousness. I feel fevered. The skin of my neck is numb, but the wound burns like Ive been injected with venom.
I think I left half of my neck in the childs impossibly expandable jaws.
He began to change the moment I took him in my arms.
I managed to tear myself from his preternaturallystrong grasp and stumble from the cage before he completed the transformation.
But it was too late. Id been a fool. My heart had wed Barrons to a sobbing child and embraced sentimentality. Id seen the chains, padlocks, and wards as Barrons way of keeping a child safe.
What theyd really been was his way of keeping the world safe from the child.
I lie on the floor of the stone chamber, dying. I lose awareness again for a time, then am back.
I watch the child become the night version of Barrons beast. Black skin, black horns and fangs, red eyes. Talk about homicidally insane. He makes the beast Barrons was in the Silvers seem downright genial and calm.
He bays continuously while he changes, head whipping from side to side, spraying me with his spittle and my blood, staring at me with feral crimson eyes. He wants to sink his teeth into me, shake me, and crush every last drop of blood from my body. The mark Barrons placed on my skull doesnt do a thing to defuse his bloodlust.
I am food and he cant reach me.
He rattles the bars of the cage and he howls.
He morphs from four to ten feet tall.
This is what I heard beneath the garage. This is what I listened to while looking at Barrons across the roof of a car.
This child, caged down here, forever imprisoned.
And I understand, as my lifeblood seeps out, that this is why he was bringing the dead woman out of the Silver.
The child had to be fed.
He held this child, watched him die. I try to think about it, wrap my brain around it. The child has to be his son. If Barrons didnt feed him, the child suffered. If he did feed him, he had to look at this monster. How long? How long had he been caretaker for this child? A thousand years? Ten? More?
I try to touch my neck, feel the extent of my wounds, but I cant raise my arms. Im weak, dreamy, and I dont really care. I just want to close my eyes and sleep for a few minutes. Just a short nap, then Ill wake up and get busy finding something in my lake to help me survive this. I wonder if there are runes that can heal torn-out throats. Maybe theres some Unseelie in here somewhere.
I wonder if thats my jugular gushing. If so, its too late, way too late for me now.
I cant believe Im going to die like this.
Barrons will come in and find me here.
Bled out on the floor of his bat cave.
I try to summon the will to search my lake, but I think I lost too much blood too fast. I cant care, no matter how I try. The lake is curiously silent. Like its watching, waiting to see what happens next.
The roaring in the cage is so loud, I dont hear Barrons roaring, too, until hes scooping me up into his arms and carrying me from the room, slamming doors behind him.
His eyes say, I know you wont let me die.
His eyes say, I know you will make the pain stop.
His eyes said, Trust/love/adore/youareperfect/ you willalwayskeepmesafe/youaremyworld.
But I didnt keep him safe.
And I cant make his pain stop.
Wed been in the desert holding this child, this very boy in our arms, losing him, loving him, grieving him, feeling his life slip away
I see him there. His yesterdays. His today. The tomorrows that will never be.
I see his pain and it shreds me.
I see his absolute love and it shames me.
He smiles at me. He gives me all his love in his eyes.
It begins to fade.
No! I roar. You will not die! You will not leave me!
I stare into his eyes for what seems a thousand days.
I see him. I hold him. He is there.
He is gone.
But hes not gone. Hes right here with me. The boy presses his face to the bars. He smiles at me. He gives me all his love in his eyes. I melt. If I could be someones mother, I would take this child and keep him safe forever.
I push to my feet, moving as if Im in a trance. Ive held this child, inside Barrons head. As Barrons, I loved him and I lost him. In sharing that vision, it became my wound, too.
I dont understand. How are you alive? Why are you here? Why had Barrons experienced his death? There was no question that he had. Id been there. Id tasted it, too. It was reminiscent of the regrets Id felt about Alina
Come back, come back, you want to scream just one more minute. Just one more smile one more chance to do things right. But hes gone. Hes gone. Where did he go? What happens to life when it leaves? Does it go somewhere or is it just fucking gone?
How are you here? I say wonderingly.
He speaks to me, and I dont understand a word of it. Its a language dead and forgotten. But I hear the plaintive tones. I hear a word that sounds like Ma-ma.
Choking back a sob, I reach for him.
As I slip my arms through the bars and gather his small, naked body into my arms, as his dark head floats into the hollow where my shoulder meets my neck, fangs puncture my skin, and the beautiful little boy rips out my throat.
42
I die for a long time.
Much longer than I think it should take.
Figures Id die slow and in pain. I pass out several times and am surprised that I regain consciousness. I feel fevered. The skin of my neck is numb, but the wound burns like Ive been injected with venom.
I think I left half of my neck in the childs impossibly expandable jaws.
He began to change the moment I took him in my arms.
I managed to tear myself from his preternaturallystrong grasp and stumble from the cage before he completed the transformation.
But it was too late. Id been a fool. My heart had wed Barrons to a sobbing child and embraced sentimentality. Id seen the chains, padlocks, and wards as Barrons way of keeping a child safe.
What theyd really been was his way of keeping the world safe from the child.
I lie on the floor of the stone chamber, dying. I lose awareness again for a time, then am back.
I watch the child become the night version of Barrons beast. Black skin, black horns and fangs, red eyes. Talk about homicidally insane. He makes the beast Barrons was in the Silvers seem downright genial and calm.
He bays continuously while he changes, head whipping from side to side, spraying me with his spittle and my blood, staring at me with feral crimson eyes. He wants to sink his teeth into me, shake me, and crush every last drop of blood from my body. The mark Barrons placed on my skull doesnt do a thing to defuse his bloodlust.
I am food and he cant reach me.
He rattles the bars of the cage and he howls.
He morphs from four to ten feet tall.
This is what I heard beneath the garage. This is what I listened to while looking at Barrons across the roof of a car.
This child, caged down here, forever imprisoned.
And I understand, as my lifeblood seeps out, that this is why he was bringing the dead woman out of the Silver.
The child had to be fed.
He held this child, watched him die. I try to think about it, wrap my brain around it. The child has to be his son. If Barrons didnt feed him, the child suffered. If he did feed him, he had to look at this monster. How long? How long had he been caretaker for this child? A thousand years? Ten? More?
I try to touch my neck, feel the extent of my wounds, but I cant raise my arms. Im weak, dreamy, and I dont really care. I just want to close my eyes and sleep for a few minutes. Just a short nap, then Ill wake up and get busy finding something in my lake to help me survive this. I wonder if there are runes that can heal torn-out throats. Maybe theres some Unseelie in here somewhere.
I wonder if thats my jugular gushing. If so, its too late, way too late for me now.
I cant believe Im going to die like this.
Barrons will come in and find me here.
Bled out on the floor of his bat cave.
I try to summon the will to search my lake, but I think I lost too much blood too fast. I cant care, no matter how I try. The lake is curiously silent. Like its watching, waiting to see what happens next.
The roaring in the cage is so loud, I dont hear Barrons roaring, too, until hes scooping me up into his arms and carrying me from the room, slamming doors behind him.
