Shadowfever
Page 161
I dont trust a bloody thing about them, Barrons said. This is bullshit.
Barrons was perfectly paranoid. Perfect awareness, he called it. It was exactly what I expected him to say. It is hard to believe, I murmured.
Then dont.
Look at her, Barrons. Shes the woman that warded me out at the abbey, the last leader of the Haven. The woman you picked up that night. For heavens sake, we look alike! When Id first arrived in Dublin, we hadnt. Id been soft and curvy and still holding on to a smidge of baby fat in my face. Now I was like her, older, leaner, my face less round, my features more distinct.
He glanced between us. She could be a cousin.
She could also be my mother, I said drily. And if she is, Im not the Unseelie King. There went the weight of countless sins from my shoulders. Believing I was the ultimate villain, responsible for so many twisted births and billions of deaths, had been a crushing load to carry. Maybe theyre right, Barrons. Maybe this never was my battle. Maybe Alina and I just got caught in the crossfire. The Book sensed us as part of her bloodline and harassed us, screwed up our lives.
Dani killed Alina, he reminded sharply.
Why did he have to remind me of that now? I turned to scowl at him.
Face contorted, he was staring at me, dark eyes wild, roaring Rowenas name so loud I was surprised the windows didnt shatter.
I blinked. He was just Barrons again. Looking at me strangely.
Are you okay?
What did you just say?
I said, are you okay?
No, what did you say before that?
I said Dani killed Alina because of Rowena, never doubt it. Whats wrong? Youre white as a sheet.
I shook my head, embarrassed. Then I jerked and my head whipped toward the window. Oh, no! The Sinsar Dubh had begun moving again, rapidly.
Its coming! Isla cried at the same moment.
How long? Pieter demanded.
Three minutes, maybe less. Its in a car, Isla said.
I needed to know we were both sensing it in the same general vicinity. With two of us, we would be harder to deceive. Id be damned if what had happened the last time wed tried to corner it was happening again. Where do you sense it?
Northwest of the city. Three miles at the most.
I was relieved. That was exactly where I felt it, too.
What part of this place is most securely warded? Isla asked Barrons.
He gave her a look. All of it.
Whats the plan? I said.
You must give your mother the amulet, Pieter said.
I touched the chainaround my neck and looked at Barrons. He took a slow breath and opened his mouth. It stretched wide on a soundless roar.
I blinked and looked again. He was composed and urbane as ever.
Its your call, he said. You have to decide this one.
I felt so strange. Mac 1.0, bartender, daydreamer, and professional sun worshipper, would have wanted nothing more than to pass off any and all responsibility to someone else. To be taken care of. Not to be the one taking care. I no longer knew that woman. I liked making the hard decisions and fighting the good fight. Getting to lay down responsibility no longer felt like relinquishing a burdenit felt like being shut out of the most important parts of my life.
MacKayla, time is of the essence, Pieter said softly. You dont have to fight anymore. Were here now.
I looked at Isla. Her blue eyes shimmered with unshed tears. Listen to your father, she said. Youll never be alone again, darling. Give me the amulet. Release your burden and let me carry it for you. It was never meant to be yours.
I looked back at Barrons. He was watching me. I knew him. He wouldnt force my hand.
I did a double take. Who was I kidding? Of course Barrons would try to force my hand on this. He wanted the spell of unmaking to end his sons life. Hed been hunting it for nearly his entire existence. He would stomp and argue and roar. Hed never get this close only to back off and give me space to make my own decisions.
Dont do it, he snarled. You promised.
The Sinsar Dubh has entered the city, Isla said simply. You must decide.
I could feel it, too, rushing toward us, as if it knew that if it hurried, it could catch us with our pants down, me undecided, all of us exposed by my inability to commit.
I moved toward Isla, playing the chain through my fingers. How could I accept that I didnt have to fight this battle? Id been preparing for it. I was ready. Yet here she stood, telling me I didnt need to worry. I wouldnt doom the world, and I didnt need to save it. Others had been preparing for the same moment and were more qualified.
That surreal feeling was back. And what was that buzzing at my ear? I kept thinking I was hearing Barrons roaring, but every time I looked at him, he wasnt saying a word. I need a spell from the Book, I said.
Once its locked up, we can get anything you need. Pieter knows the First Language. Its how your father and I met, working on ancient scrolls.
I stared into the face so like my own but older, wiser, more mature. I wanted to say it, needed to do this, at least once. I might never get the chance again. Mother, I tried the word on my tongue.
Barrons was perfectly paranoid. Perfect awareness, he called it. It was exactly what I expected him to say. It is hard to believe, I murmured.
Then dont.
Look at her, Barrons. Shes the woman that warded me out at the abbey, the last leader of the Haven. The woman you picked up that night. For heavens sake, we look alike! When Id first arrived in Dublin, we hadnt. Id been soft and curvy and still holding on to a smidge of baby fat in my face. Now I was like her, older, leaner, my face less round, my features more distinct.
He glanced between us. She could be a cousin.
She could also be my mother, I said drily. And if she is, Im not the Unseelie King. There went the weight of countless sins from my shoulders. Believing I was the ultimate villain, responsible for so many twisted births and billions of deaths, had been a crushing load to carry. Maybe theyre right, Barrons. Maybe this never was my battle. Maybe Alina and I just got caught in the crossfire. The Book sensed us as part of her bloodline and harassed us, screwed up our lives.
Dani killed Alina, he reminded sharply.
Why did he have to remind me of that now? I turned to scowl at him.
Face contorted, he was staring at me, dark eyes wild, roaring Rowenas name so loud I was surprised the windows didnt shatter.
I blinked. He was just Barrons again. Looking at me strangely.
Are you okay?
What did you just say?
I said, are you okay?
No, what did you say before that?
I said Dani killed Alina because of Rowena, never doubt it. Whats wrong? Youre white as a sheet.
I shook my head, embarrassed. Then I jerked and my head whipped toward the window. Oh, no! The Sinsar Dubh had begun moving again, rapidly.
Its coming! Isla cried at the same moment.
How long? Pieter demanded.
Three minutes, maybe less. Its in a car, Isla said.
I needed to know we were both sensing it in the same general vicinity. With two of us, we would be harder to deceive. Id be damned if what had happened the last time wed tried to corner it was happening again. Where do you sense it?
Northwest of the city. Three miles at the most.
I was relieved. That was exactly where I felt it, too.
What part of this place is most securely warded? Isla asked Barrons.
He gave her a look. All of it.
Whats the plan? I said.
You must give your mother the amulet, Pieter said.
I touched the chainaround my neck and looked at Barrons. He took a slow breath and opened his mouth. It stretched wide on a soundless roar.
I blinked and looked again. He was composed and urbane as ever.
Its your call, he said. You have to decide this one.
I felt so strange. Mac 1.0, bartender, daydreamer, and professional sun worshipper, would have wanted nothing more than to pass off any and all responsibility to someone else. To be taken care of. Not to be the one taking care. I no longer knew that woman. I liked making the hard decisions and fighting the good fight. Getting to lay down responsibility no longer felt like relinquishing a burdenit felt like being shut out of the most important parts of my life.
MacKayla, time is of the essence, Pieter said softly. You dont have to fight anymore. Were here now.
I looked at Isla. Her blue eyes shimmered with unshed tears. Listen to your father, she said. Youll never be alone again, darling. Give me the amulet. Release your burden and let me carry it for you. It was never meant to be yours.
I looked back at Barrons. He was watching me. I knew him. He wouldnt force my hand.
I did a double take. Who was I kidding? Of course Barrons would try to force my hand on this. He wanted the spell of unmaking to end his sons life. Hed been hunting it for nearly his entire existence. He would stomp and argue and roar. Hed never get this close only to back off and give me space to make my own decisions.
Dont do it, he snarled. You promised.
The Sinsar Dubh has entered the city, Isla said simply. You must decide.
I could feel it, too, rushing toward us, as if it knew that if it hurried, it could catch us with our pants down, me undecided, all of us exposed by my inability to commit.
I moved toward Isla, playing the chain through my fingers. How could I accept that I didnt have to fight this battle? Id been preparing for it. I was ready. Yet here she stood, telling me I didnt need to worry. I wouldnt doom the world, and I didnt need to save it. Others had been preparing for the same moment and were more qualified.
That surreal feeling was back. And what was that buzzing at my ear? I kept thinking I was hearing Barrons roaring, but every time I looked at him, he wasnt saying a word. I need a spell from the Book, I said.
Once its locked up, we can get anything you need. Pieter knows the First Language. Its how your father and I met, working on ancient scrolls.
I stared into the face so like my own but older, wiser, more mature. I wanted to say it, needed to do this, at least once. I might never get the chance again. Mother, I tried the word on my tongue.
