Shadowfever
Page 2
I thought Barrons was invincible.
I keep waiting for him to move. Roll over. Sit up. Magically heal. Cut me one of those hard looks and say, Get a grip, Ms. Lane. Im the Unseelie King. I cant die.
That was one of my biggest fears, whenever I was indulging in any of a thousand about him: that he was the one whod created the Sinsar Dubh to begin with, dumping all his evil into it, and he wanted it back for some reason but couldnt trap it himself. At one point or another, Id considered everything: Fae, half Fae, werewolf, vampire, ancient cursed being from the dawn of time, perhaps the very thing he and Christian had tried to summon on Halloween at Castle Keltarkey part there being immortal, as in unkillable.
Get up, Barrons! I scream. Move, damn you!
Im afraid to touch him. Afraid if I do, his body will be cooling noticeably. Ill feel the fragility of his flesh, the mortality of Barrons. Fragility, mortality, and Barrons all packed together in the same thought feels about as blasphemous as stalking through the Vatican hammering upside-down crosses on the walls.
I squat ten paces from his body.
I stay back, because if I get close Ill have to roll him over and look in his eyes, and what if theyre empty like Alinas were?
Then Ill know hes gone, like I knew she was gone, too far beyond my reach to ever hear my voice again, to hear me say, Im sorry, Alina, I wish Id called more often; I wish Id heard the truth beneath our vapid sister talk; I wish Id come to Dublin and fought beside you, or raged at you, because you were acting from fear, too, Alina, not hope at all, or you would have trusted me to help you. Or maybe just apologize, Barrons, for being too young to have my priorities refined, like you, because I havent suffered whatever the hell it is you suffered, and then shove you up against a wall and kiss you until you cant breathe, do what I wanted to do the first day I saw you there in your bloody damned bookstore. Disturb you like you disturbed me, make you see me, make you want mepink me!shatter your self-control, bring you crashing to your knees in front of me, even though I told myself Id never want a man like you, that you were too old, too carnal, more animal than man, with one foot in the swamp and no desire to come all the way out, when the truth was that I was terrified by what you made me feel. It wasnt what guys make girls feel, dreams of a future with babies and picket fences, but frantic, hard, raw loss of self, like you cant live without that man inside you, around you, with you all the time, and it only matters what he thinks of you, the rest of the world can go to hell, and even then I knew you could change me! Who wants to be around someone that can change them? Too much power to let another person have! It was easier to fight you than admit that I had undiscoveredplaces inside me that hungered for things that werent accepted in any kind of world I knew, and the worst of it is that you woke me up from my Barbie-girl world and now Im here and Im wide awake, you bastard, I couldnt be more awake, and you left me
I think Ill scream until he gets up.
He was the one who told me not to believe anything was dead until Id burned it, poked around in its ashes, then waited a day or two to see if anything rose from them.
Surely Im not supposed to burn him.
I dont think there are any circumstances under which I could do that.
Ill squat.
Ill scream.
Hell get up. He hates it when Im melodramatic.
While I wait for him to revive, I listen for sounds of scrabbling at the cliffs edge. I half-expect Ryodan to drag his broken, bloody body up over the edge. Maybe hes not really dead, either. After all, were in Faery, maybe, or at least within the Silverswho knows what realm this is? Might the water here have rejuvenating powers? Should I try to get Barrons to it? Maybe were in the Dreaming and this terrible thing that has happened is a nightmare, and Ill wake up on a couch in Barrons Books and Baubles and the illustrious, infuriating owner will raise a brow and give me that look; Ill say something pithy, and life will be lovely, chock-full of monsters and rain again, just the way I like it.
I squat.
No scrabbling in the stones and shale.
The man with the spear in his back doesnt move.
My heart is full of holes.
He gave his life for me. Barrons gave his life for me. My self-serving, arrogant, constant jackass was the constant rock beneath my feet, willing to die so I could live.
Why the hell would he do that?
How do I live with that?
A terrible thought occurs to me, so awful that for a few moments it eclipses my grief: I would never have killed him if Ryodan hadnt appeared. Did Ryodan set me up? Did he come here to kill Barrons, who was never invincible, merely difficult to kill? Maybe Barrons could be killed only in his animal form, and Ryodan knew hed have to be in it to protect me. Was this an elaborate ruse that had nothing to do with me? Was Ryodan working with the LM, and they wanted Barrons out of the way so Id be easier to deal with, and the abduction of my parents was mere sleight of hand? Look over there while we kill the man who threatens us all. Or maybe Barrons had been cursed to live out some hellish sentence and could be slain only by someone he trusted, and hed trusted me. Beneath all the cold arrogance, the mockery, the constant pushing, had he given over that most private part of himself to mea confidence Id never earned, as I couldnt have proven any more surely than if Id stabbed him in the back?
I keep waiting for him to move. Roll over. Sit up. Magically heal. Cut me one of those hard looks and say, Get a grip, Ms. Lane. Im the Unseelie King. I cant die.
That was one of my biggest fears, whenever I was indulging in any of a thousand about him: that he was the one whod created the Sinsar Dubh to begin with, dumping all his evil into it, and he wanted it back for some reason but couldnt trap it himself. At one point or another, Id considered everything: Fae, half Fae, werewolf, vampire, ancient cursed being from the dawn of time, perhaps the very thing he and Christian had tried to summon on Halloween at Castle Keltarkey part there being immortal, as in unkillable.
Get up, Barrons! I scream. Move, damn you!
Im afraid to touch him. Afraid if I do, his body will be cooling noticeably. Ill feel the fragility of his flesh, the mortality of Barrons. Fragility, mortality, and Barrons all packed together in the same thought feels about as blasphemous as stalking through the Vatican hammering upside-down crosses on the walls.
I squat ten paces from his body.
I stay back, because if I get close Ill have to roll him over and look in his eyes, and what if theyre empty like Alinas were?
Then Ill know hes gone, like I knew she was gone, too far beyond my reach to ever hear my voice again, to hear me say, Im sorry, Alina, I wish Id called more often; I wish Id heard the truth beneath our vapid sister talk; I wish Id come to Dublin and fought beside you, or raged at you, because you were acting from fear, too, Alina, not hope at all, or you would have trusted me to help you. Or maybe just apologize, Barrons, for being too young to have my priorities refined, like you, because I havent suffered whatever the hell it is you suffered, and then shove you up against a wall and kiss you until you cant breathe, do what I wanted to do the first day I saw you there in your bloody damned bookstore. Disturb you like you disturbed me, make you see me, make you want mepink me!shatter your self-control, bring you crashing to your knees in front of me, even though I told myself Id never want a man like you, that you were too old, too carnal, more animal than man, with one foot in the swamp and no desire to come all the way out, when the truth was that I was terrified by what you made me feel. It wasnt what guys make girls feel, dreams of a future with babies and picket fences, but frantic, hard, raw loss of self, like you cant live without that man inside you, around you, with you all the time, and it only matters what he thinks of you, the rest of the world can go to hell, and even then I knew you could change me! Who wants to be around someone that can change them? Too much power to let another person have! It was easier to fight you than admit that I had undiscoveredplaces inside me that hungered for things that werent accepted in any kind of world I knew, and the worst of it is that you woke me up from my Barbie-girl world and now Im here and Im wide awake, you bastard, I couldnt be more awake, and you left me
I think Ill scream until he gets up.
He was the one who told me not to believe anything was dead until Id burned it, poked around in its ashes, then waited a day or two to see if anything rose from them.
Surely Im not supposed to burn him.
I dont think there are any circumstances under which I could do that.
Ill squat.
Ill scream.
Hell get up. He hates it when Im melodramatic.
While I wait for him to revive, I listen for sounds of scrabbling at the cliffs edge. I half-expect Ryodan to drag his broken, bloody body up over the edge. Maybe hes not really dead, either. After all, were in Faery, maybe, or at least within the Silverswho knows what realm this is? Might the water here have rejuvenating powers? Should I try to get Barrons to it? Maybe were in the Dreaming and this terrible thing that has happened is a nightmare, and Ill wake up on a couch in Barrons Books and Baubles and the illustrious, infuriating owner will raise a brow and give me that look; Ill say something pithy, and life will be lovely, chock-full of monsters and rain again, just the way I like it.
I squat.
No scrabbling in the stones and shale.
The man with the spear in his back doesnt move.
My heart is full of holes.
He gave his life for me. Barrons gave his life for me. My self-serving, arrogant, constant jackass was the constant rock beneath my feet, willing to die so I could live.
Why the hell would he do that?
How do I live with that?
A terrible thought occurs to me, so awful that for a few moments it eclipses my grief: I would never have killed him if Ryodan hadnt appeared. Did Ryodan set me up? Did he come here to kill Barrons, who was never invincible, merely difficult to kill? Maybe Barrons could be killed only in his animal form, and Ryodan knew hed have to be in it to protect me. Was this an elaborate ruse that had nothing to do with me? Was Ryodan working with the LM, and they wanted Barrons out of the way so Id be easier to deal with, and the abduction of my parents was mere sleight of hand? Look over there while we kill the man who threatens us all. Or maybe Barrons had been cursed to live out some hellish sentence and could be slain only by someone he trusted, and hed trusted me. Beneath all the cold arrogance, the mockery, the constant pushing, had he given over that most private part of himself to mea confidence Id never earned, as I couldnt have proven any more surely than if Id stabbed him in the back?
