Shadows in the Silence
Page 73
Will’s jaw hardened at the mention of Bastian’s name. I studied him, knowing he had a million questions for his mother, and I wouldn’t speak until he had said what he needed to.
“Did you always know Bastian was my father?” Will asked at last.
Her gaze faltered, but I wasn’t sure that his question surprised her. “Yes, but I didn’t tell him.”
“Did you love him?”
“Yes,” she said faintly. “I did.”
“Why?” he asked, barely able to keep the disbelief from his voice. “How?”
She held her chin up defensively, as if she felt no shame. “Some things that are supposed to be wrong don’t feel that way. He showed me more than once that he wasn’t heartless. I’d hoped he would turn his back on Hell for me, but the pull was too strong.” There was a crack in her defenses, just a hairline fracture, but sorrow showed there.
Will did not miss Madeleine’s weakness and his own expression hardened. “Would it grieve you to know that he is dead?”
She drew a deep breath, pausing before she spoke. “Would it anger you if I said yes?”
“No,” Will said. “If you once loved him, then I expect you would.”
“How did he die?” she asked, her voice quiet. “By your hand?”
“By another’s.”
She was silent for a few moments before rising to tend to the kettle. She brought us each a cup of tea and I let mine sit in my hands to cool off before taking a sip. I tried not to feel awkward sitting here, meeting Will’s mother for the first time, but I couldn’t help it. Perhaps if things weren’t so tense between them, then this would have been easier to endure.
“How did you even…?” Will seemed to struggle with an end to that question.
“Get involved with him?” She wore a small, sad smile. “I knew who he was long before I met him, though I was still young. He was notorious, hunted by many of the most powerful angelic reapers. The first time I saw him with my own eyes, I had pursued some bottom-feeder right into an ambush led by Bastian. I killed six, until the only one remaining was Bastian himself. I was exhausted and wounded and certain he would kill me, but he didn’t. He let me live. After that I seemed to keep running into him. It took me a while to realize it was on purpose, and it took me longer to fall in love with him.”
Will shook his head. “But he was a monster.” His hand tightened into a fist and I covered it with my own to offer him comfort.
Madeleine’s gaze didn’t miss the gesture. “He wasn’t always. He told me his grandmother was Antares. The angelic blood in his veins made him different, created a light in his soul. But after a while, he just stopped feeling and welcomed only his dominant demonic side. He once told me that forever is a long time to keep fighting. I hadn’t realized until it was too late that he meant fighting himself. I wish I knew how to explain to you what that goodness inside him was like and how he revealed it to me.”
Will sat in silence beside me, his expression hard and contemplating. He was trying to understand what Madeleine explained about his father, but I didn’t need any help. This was how I felt about Cadan, who fought with tooth and nail against what his father became and what he was also destined to become. From the first moment I met Cadan, I felt the light in him that Madeleine felt in Bastian, but that light had saved him from the darkness his father had been consumed by.
“It was hard for him,” Madeleine said gently, “as I know it has been for you, William. But you’re stronger than he was. Your heart is too pure for the demonic blood in you to take hold.”
His green eyes met her identical gaze. “How do you know it won’t? There’s darkness in me and I feel it every day.”
I squeezed his hand tighter. “You’re not your father. You’ve proven that to me every day for five centuries.”
Madeleine studied our faces and our clasped hands, but she wore the same ironclad, unreadable expression that Will wore when he was thinking.
Will exhaled and his gaze grew distant. “I have eternity to live, but not enough time to learn who I really am. Not until this fight is over. We have the Pentalpha and that’s all that matters right now.” He’d shut us out again, as I feared he would. He’d face Hell itself before taking on his own emotions, because the truth was a far more terrifying enemy and one that he couldn’t control. He stood, his jaw set hard and shoulders tied into tense knots.
I stood with him. “Madeleine, will you help us?”
“Of course,” she said. “I am no longer a relic guardian. My sword and life are at your disposal.”
I was certain Will would be happy to have his mother by his side and that she would be an invaluable ally. I also wanted to know her. It was like meeting a legend, someone you’d heard about and wondered what it would be like to come face to face with. And her eyes…they were Will’s eyes.
“We’ll return tomorrow,” I told Madeleine. “I need to figure out how I will use the Pentalpha to summon Azrael. We have a demonic reaper with us, so we have to take the sun into consideration. We’ll likely arrive in the afternoon when the sun isn’t so high.”
Her brow made an almost imperceptible movement. “Demonic?”
Will spoke before I had a chance. “Another son of Bastian.”
“Ah. I understand.” She didn’t seem surprised by the news that Bastian had sired another. At least Madeleine wouldn’t be as hostile toward Cadan as the other angelic reapers we’d encountered, given her history with Bastian.
“Did you always know Bastian was my father?” Will asked at last.
Her gaze faltered, but I wasn’t sure that his question surprised her. “Yes, but I didn’t tell him.”
“Did you love him?”
“Yes,” she said faintly. “I did.”
“Why?” he asked, barely able to keep the disbelief from his voice. “How?”
She held her chin up defensively, as if she felt no shame. “Some things that are supposed to be wrong don’t feel that way. He showed me more than once that he wasn’t heartless. I’d hoped he would turn his back on Hell for me, but the pull was too strong.” There was a crack in her defenses, just a hairline fracture, but sorrow showed there.
Will did not miss Madeleine’s weakness and his own expression hardened. “Would it grieve you to know that he is dead?”
She drew a deep breath, pausing before she spoke. “Would it anger you if I said yes?”
“No,” Will said. “If you once loved him, then I expect you would.”
“How did he die?” she asked, her voice quiet. “By your hand?”
“By another’s.”
She was silent for a few moments before rising to tend to the kettle. She brought us each a cup of tea and I let mine sit in my hands to cool off before taking a sip. I tried not to feel awkward sitting here, meeting Will’s mother for the first time, but I couldn’t help it. Perhaps if things weren’t so tense between them, then this would have been easier to endure.
“How did you even…?” Will seemed to struggle with an end to that question.
“Get involved with him?” She wore a small, sad smile. “I knew who he was long before I met him, though I was still young. He was notorious, hunted by many of the most powerful angelic reapers. The first time I saw him with my own eyes, I had pursued some bottom-feeder right into an ambush led by Bastian. I killed six, until the only one remaining was Bastian himself. I was exhausted and wounded and certain he would kill me, but he didn’t. He let me live. After that I seemed to keep running into him. It took me a while to realize it was on purpose, and it took me longer to fall in love with him.”
Will shook his head. “But he was a monster.” His hand tightened into a fist and I covered it with my own to offer him comfort.
Madeleine’s gaze didn’t miss the gesture. “He wasn’t always. He told me his grandmother was Antares. The angelic blood in his veins made him different, created a light in his soul. But after a while, he just stopped feeling and welcomed only his dominant demonic side. He once told me that forever is a long time to keep fighting. I hadn’t realized until it was too late that he meant fighting himself. I wish I knew how to explain to you what that goodness inside him was like and how he revealed it to me.”
Will sat in silence beside me, his expression hard and contemplating. He was trying to understand what Madeleine explained about his father, but I didn’t need any help. This was how I felt about Cadan, who fought with tooth and nail against what his father became and what he was also destined to become. From the first moment I met Cadan, I felt the light in him that Madeleine felt in Bastian, but that light had saved him from the darkness his father had been consumed by.
“It was hard for him,” Madeleine said gently, “as I know it has been for you, William. But you’re stronger than he was. Your heart is too pure for the demonic blood in you to take hold.”
His green eyes met her identical gaze. “How do you know it won’t? There’s darkness in me and I feel it every day.”
I squeezed his hand tighter. “You’re not your father. You’ve proven that to me every day for five centuries.”
Madeleine studied our faces and our clasped hands, but she wore the same ironclad, unreadable expression that Will wore when he was thinking.
Will exhaled and his gaze grew distant. “I have eternity to live, but not enough time to learn who I really am. Not until this fight is over. We have the Pentalpha and that’s all that matters right now.” He’d shut us out again, as I feared he would. He’d face Hell itself before taking on his own emotions, because the truth was a far more terrifying enemy and one that he couldn’t control. He stood, his jaw set hard and shoulders tied into tense knots.
I stood with him. “Madeleine, will you help us?”
“Of course,” she said. “I am no longer a relic guardian. My sword and life are at your disposal.”
I was certain Will would be happy to have his mother by his side and that she would be an invaluable ally. I also wanted to know her. It was like meeting a legend, someone you’d heard about and wondered what it would be like to come face to face with. And her eyes…they were Will’s eyes.
“We’ll return tomorrow,” I told Madeleine. “I need to figure out how I will use the Pentalpha to summon Azrael. We have a demonic reaper with us, so we have to take the sun into consideration. We’ll likely arrive in the afternoon when the sun isn’t so high.”
Her brow made an almost imperceptible movement. “Demonic?”
Will spoke before I had a chance. “Another son of Bastian.”
“Ah. I understand.” She didn’t seem surprised by the news that Bastian had sired another. At least Madeleine wouldn’t be as hostile toward Cadan as the other angelic reapers we’d encountered, given her history with Bastian.
