Shock

THE HOLIDAY MAN

"You'll be late, " she said.
He leaned back tiredly in his chair.
"I know," he answered.
They were in the kitchen having breakfast. David hadn't eaten much. Mostly, he'd drunk black coffee and stared at the tablecloth. There were thin lines running through it that looked like intersecting highways.
"Well?" she said.
He shivered and took his eyes from the tablecloth.
"Yes," he said. "All right."
He kept sitting there.
"David," she said.
"I know, I know," he said, "I'll be late." He wasn't angry. There was no anger left in him.
"You certainly will," she said, buttering her toast. She spread on thick raspberry jam, then bit off a piece and chewed it cracklingly.
David got up and walked across the kitchen. At the door he stopped and turned. He stared at the back of her head.
"Why couldn't I?" he asked again.
"Because you can't," she said. "That's all."
"But why?"
"Because they need you," she said. "Because they pay you well and you couldn't do anything else. Isn't it obvious?"
"They could find someone else."
"Oh, stop it," she said. "You know they couldn't."
He closed his hands into fists. "Why should I be the one?" he asked.
She didn't answer. She sat eating her toast.
"Jean?"
"There's nothing more to say," she said, chewing. She turned around. "Now, will you go?" she said. "You shouldn't be late today."
David felt a chill in his flesh.
"No," he said, "not today."
He walked out of the kitchen and went upstairs. There, he brushed his teeth, polished his shoes and put on a tie. Before eight he was down again. He went into the kitchen.
"Goodbye," he said.
She tilted up her cheek for him and he kissed it. "Bye, dear," she said. "Have a-" She stopped abruptly.
"-nice day?" he finished for her. "Thank you." He turned away. "I'll have a lovely day."
Long ago he had stopped driving a car. Mornings he walked to the railroad station. He didn't even like to ride with someone else or take a bus.
At the station he stood outside on the platform waiting for the train. He had no newspaper. He never bought them any more. He didn't like to read the papers.
"Mornin', Garret."
He turned and saw Henry Coulter who also worked in the city. Coulter patted him on the back.
"Good morning," David said.
"How's it goin'?" Coulter asked.
"Fine. Thank you."
"Good. Lookin' forward to the Fourth?"
David swallowed. "Well..." he began.
"Myself, I'm takin' the family to the woods," said Coulter. "No lousy fireworks for us. Pilin' into the old bus and headin' out till the fireworks are over."
"Driving," said David.
"Yes, sir," said Coulter. "Far as we can."
It began by itself. No, he thought; not now. He forced it back into its darkness.
"-tising business," Coulter finished.
"What?" he asked.
"Said I trust things are goin' well in the advertising business."
David cleared his throat.
"Oh, yes," he said. "Fine." He always forgot about the lie he'd told Coulter.
When the train arrived he sat in the No Smoking car, knowing that Coulter always smoked a cigar en route. He didn't want to sit with Coulter. Not now.
All the way to the city he sat looking out the window. Mostly he watched road and highway traffic; but, once, while the train rattled over a bridge, he stared down at the mirror like surface of a lake. Once he put his head back and looked up at the sun.
He was actually to the elevator when he stopped.
"Up?" said the man in the maroon uniform. He looked at David steadily. "Up?" he said. Then he closed the rolling doors.
David stood motionless. People began to cluster around him. In a moment, he turned and shouldered by them, pushing through the revolving door. As he came out, the oven heat of July surrounded him. He moved along the sidewalk like a man asleep. On the next block he entered a bar.
Inside, it was cold and dim. There were no customers. Not even the bartender was visible. David sank down in the shadow of a booth and took his hat off. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes.
He couldn't do it. He simply could not go up to his office. No matter what Jean said, no matter what anyone said. He clasped his hands on the table edge and squeezed them until the ringers were pressed dry of blood. He just wouldn't.
"Help you?" asked a voice.
David opened his eyes. The bartender was standing by the booth, looking down at him.
"Yes, uh... beer," he said. He hated beer but he knew he had to buy something for the privilege of sitting in the chilly silence undisturbed. He wouldn't drink it.
The bartender brought the beer and David paid for it. Then, when the bartender had gone, he began to turn the glass slowly on the table top. While he was doing this it began again. With a gasp, he pushed it away. No!, he told it, savagely.
In a while he got up and left the bar. It was past ten. That didn't matter of course. They knew he was always late. They knew he always tried to break away from it and never could.
His office was at the back of the suite, a small cubicle furnished only with a rug, sofa, and a small desk on which lay pencils and white paper. It was all he needed. Once, he'd had a secretary but he hadn't liked the idea of her sitting outside the door and listening to him scream.
No one saw him enter. He let himself in from the hall through a private door. Inside, he relocked the door, then took off his suit coat and laid it across the desk. It was stuffy in the office so he walked across the floor and pulled up the window.
Far below, the city moved. He stood watching it. How many of them? he thought.
Sighing heavily, he turned. Well, he was here. There was no point in hesitating any longer. He was committed now. The best thing was to get it over and clear out.
He drew the blinds, walked over to the couch and lay down. He fussed a little with the pillow, then stretched once and was still. Almost immediately, he felt his limbs going numb.
It began.
He did not stop it now. It trickled on his brain like melted ice. It rushed like winter wind. It spun like blizzard vapor. It leaped and ran and billowed and exploded and his mind was filled with it. He grew rigid and began to gasp, his chest twitching with breath, the beating of his heart a violent stagger. His hands drew in like white talons, clutching and scratching at the couch. He shivered and groaned and writhed. Finally he screamed. He screamed for a very long while.
When it was done, he lay limp and motionless on the couch, his eyes like balls of frozen glass. When he could, he raised his arm and looked at his wristwatch. It was almost two.
He struggled to his feet. His bones felt sheathed with lead but he managed to stumble to his desk and sit before it.
There he wrote on a sheet of paper and, when he was finished, slumped across the desk and fell into exhausted sleep.
Later, he woke up and took the sheet of paper to his superior, who, looking it over, nodded.
"Four hundred eighty-six, huh?" the superior said. "You're sure of that?"
"I'm sure," said David, quietly. "I watched every one." He didn't mention that Coulter and his family were among them.
"All right," said his superior. "Let's see now. Four hundred fifty-two from traffic accidents, eighteen from drowning, seven from sun-stroke, three from fireworks, six from miscellaneous causes."
Such as a little girl being burned to death, David thought. Such as a baby boy eating ant poison. Such as a woman being electrocuted; a man dying of snake bite.
"Well," his superior said, "let's make it-oh, four hundred and fifty. It's always impressive when more people die than we predict."
"Of course," David said.
The item was on the front page of all the newspapers that afternoon. While David was riding home the man in front of him turned to his neighbour and said, "What I'd like to know is how can they tell?"
David got up and went back on the platform on the end of the car. Until he got off, he stood there listening to the train wheels and thinking about Labor Day.