Show Me How
Page 18
I rounded my car, ignoring Jagger’s protests, and slid into the driver’s seat.
“Are we mad at Uncle J, Mommy?” Keith asked softly from the backseat once I was pulling out of the parking spot.
I sagged against the steering wheel and put the car in drive, but just sat there with my foot on the brake for a few seconds. He’d still been asleep when I’d put him in the car. I hated that he’d heard us yelling. “No, buddy. No, we’re not,” I finally said.
“Then why we yelling at Uncle J?”
“Sometimes . . .” I trailed off, and tried to think of what to tell him. “Sometimes grown-ups don’t listen to each other very well. And sometimes when that happens, we raise our voices to get another grown-up to finally hear us, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. It wasn’t nice of me to do that to Uncle J. I’m sorry you heard that.”
Keith was silent for so long that I’d thought he’d fallen back asleep, but he suddenly said, “So Uncle J hears you now?”
I nodded. “Maybe.”
“Okay then, Mommy. Then it’s okay.”
I smiled though he couldn’t see me, and whispered, “Thanks, buddy.”
ONCE WE GOT home, I got Keith in his pajamas and in bed, then changed into something comfortable. I’d just finished taking off my makeup when I heard Grey and Jagger get home.
I checked my phone again, and tried to hide the disappointment that there was still nothing from the stranger, then walked out into the main room to talk to Jagger.
I knew he would be waiting for me, and I found him sitting on the couch, forearms resting on his knees and head dropped.
Long seconds passed in silence after I sat down next to him before he looked up at me. His expression was withdrawn and full of worry, but a small smirk tugged at his mouth when I sent him a shaky smile.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
His head was already shaking before I finished getting the second word out. “Don’t be. Apparently I still think you need me for everything. I think I’ve chosen to forget that you were raising Keith and dealing with Mom on your own while I was away at college. In my head, you still need me. I know that you can make all of your own decisions, Charlie, but I feel like I still need to make them for you. You know?”
“I want your opinion,” I said quickly. “I want your opinion, but I just want my brother. I don’t like when you say things and that’s the final decision for my life. Part of the agreement was that I needed to find my own place, but the times I’ve even mentioned that I’ve looked at places, you still say that it would just be easier to stay here in a way that hints that you don’t want us leaving. Yes, it would be easier, but I need a place with Keith, and you and Grey and Aly need this place to yourselves.”
Jagger nodded slowly. “I know.” He sighed slowly, and said, “I know. Grey and I were talking on the way home about what you said. I don’t think I realize all that I’ve been doing all these years, and I swear to God I’ll step back.” He made a face, and the corners of his mouth pulled up in another grin. “Try to. But there’s one thing I need to know. Do you resent me for making you go to college?” When I took too long to answer, he laughed sadly. “Got it.”
“No, I don’t. Really, Jag, I don’t. I was trying to think of how exactly I felt.” I looked away as I tried to gather my thoughts, and when I spoke again, my words started off slow and unsure. “I was upset, yes, but I knew why you did it. I knew that going away was something I had wanted growing up, and I think you were just trying to make sure I still had that. My wants changed after Keith was born though, and I don’t think you could fully understand that until Aly was here. But honestly, I’m not mad that you forced me to go, I’m mostly mad that I allowed you to. Like I said, some people think I pawned Keith off on you, and that’s how I feel too. It felt like as soon as he got to be mine, I abandoned him. I feel like I’m no better than Mom.”
“You’re nothing like her,” he argued gently.
I chewed on my bottom lip as dozens of responses and insecurities came to mind, but didn’t voice any of them.
Jagger exhaled heavily as he stood, and leaned down to kiss the top of my head. When he straightened, he asked hesitantly, “Can I ask about one more thing?”
I looked up and lifted an eyebrow in silent response.
“Deacon.”
My face fell. “What about him?”
“What’s going on between you two?”
“I don’t—” I started to tell him it wasn’t something I wanted to discuss before I realized that Jagger’s tone was different from Grey’s earlier that week. “Um. Wait, how do you mean . . .”
“I’m not gonna be able to sleep if I think there’s something going on between you and Deacon fucking Carver. I get that you want me to back off, Charlie, and Deacon’s a great guy . . . but not in that way. Never in that way, and especially not for you. I know Grey would say the same.”
I forced a laugh and tried to ignore the way my stomach swirled with heat. Jagger’s worries were unnecessary because Deacon would never look at me like that, and I hated that I felt anything for him at all. “It’s not—there’s nothing—no, you have it wrong. Deacon and I fought earlier this week. He was trying to apologize tonight. That’s all.”
“Apologize.” Jagger’s tone was full of disbelief. “Do you have any clue how close the two of you were tonight?”
Yes. I knew exactly how close. I could still feel Deacon’s body pressed against mine, the way his fingers curled against me . . .
Irrational, betraying heart.
“I didn’t want to talk to him. I’d already walked away from him. He was trying to keep me there so I would listen to him.”
Jagger’s eyes narrowed. “Are you gonna tell me what he was trying to apologize for?”
“No.”
He nodded, as if he’d expected the answer. “All right. And you swear there isn’t something else going on between the two of you?”
“Jagger, I have only ever been with Ben. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I have a son. Do you really think the next guy I’d choose would end up being one of the two remaining town man-whores?”
Jagger shrugged. “You surprised me before.”
“Are we mad at Uncle J, Mommy?” Keith asked softly from the backseat once I was pulling out of the parking spot.
I sagged against the steering wheel and put the car in drive, but just sat there with my foot on the brake for a few seconds. He’d still been asleep when I’d put him in the car. I hated that he’d heard us yelling. “No, buddy. No, we’re not,” I finally said.
“Then why we yelling at Uncle J?”
“Sometimes . . .” I trailed off, and tried to think of what to tell him. “Sometimes grown-ups don’t listen to each other very well. And sometimes when that happens, we raise our voices to get another grown-up to finally hear us, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. It wasn’t nice of me to do that to Uncle J. I’m sorry you heard that.”
Keith was silent for so long that I’d thought he’d fallen back asleep, but he suddenly said, “So Uncle J hears you now?”
I nodded. “Maybe.”
“Okay then, Mommy. Then it’s okay.”
I smiled though he couldn’t see me, and whispered, “Thanks, buddy.”
ONCE WE GOT home, I got Keith in his pajamas and in bed, then changed into something comfortable. I’d just finished taking off my makeup when I heard Grey and Jagger get home.
I checked my phone again, and tried to hide the disappointment that there was still nothing from the stranger, then walked out into the main room to talk to Jagger.
I knew he would be waiting for me, and I found him sitting on the couch, forearms resting on his knees and head dropped.
Long seconds passed in silence after I sat down next to him before he looked up at me. His expression was withdrawn and full of worry, but a small smirk tugged at his mouth when I sent him a shaky smile.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
His head was already shaking before I finished getting the second word out. “Don’t be. Apparently I still think you need me for everything. I think I’ve chosen to forget that you were raising Keith and dealing with Mom on your own while I was away at college. In my head, you still need me. I know that you can make all of your own decisions, Charlie, but I feel like I still need to make them for you. You know?”
“I want your opinion,” I said quickly. “I want your opinion, but I just want my brother. I don’t like when you say things and that’s the final decision for my life. Part of the agreement was that I needed to find my own place, but the times I’ve even mentioned that I’ve looked at places, you still say that it would just be easier to stay here in a way that hints that you don’t want us leaving. Yes, it would be easier, but I need a place with Keith, and you and Grey and Aly need this place to yourselves.”
Jagger nodded slowly. “I know.” He sighed slowly, and said, “I know. Grey and I were talking on the way home about what you said. I don’t think I realize all that I’ve been doing all these years, and I swear to God I’ll step back.” He made a face, and the corners of his mouth pulled up in another grin. “Try to. But there’s one thing I need to know. Do you resent me for making you go to college?” When I took too long to answer, he laughed sadly. “Got it.”
“No, I don’t. Really, Jag, I don’t. I was trying to think of how exactly I felt.” I looked away as I tried to gather my thoughts, and when I spoke again, my words started off slow and unsure. “I was upset, yes, but I knew why you did it. I knew that going away was something I had wanted growing up, and I think you were just trying to make sure I still had that. My wants changed after Keith was born though, and I don’t think you could fully understand that until Aly was here. But honestly, I’m not mad that you forced me to go, I’m mostly mad that I allowed you to. Like I said, some people think I pawned Keith off on you, and that’s how I feel too. It felt like as soon as he got to be mine, I abandoned him. I feel like I’m no better than Mom.”
“You’re nothing like her,” he argued gently.
I chewed on my bottom lip as dozens of responses and insecurities came to mind, but didn’t voice any of them.
Jagger exhaled heavily as he stood, and leaned down to kiss the top of my head. When he straightened, he asked hesitantly, “Can I ask about one more thing?”
I looked up and lifted an eyebrow in silent response.
“Deacon.”
My face fell. “What about him?”
“What’s going on between you two?”
“I don’t—” I started to tell him it wasn’t something I wanted to discuss before I realized that Jagger’s tone was different from Grey’s earlier that week. “Um. Wait, how do you mean . . .”
“I’m not gonna be able to sleep if I think there’s something going on between you and Deacon fucking Carver. I get that you want me to back off, Charlie, and Deacon’s a great guy . . . but not in that way. Never in that way, and especially not for you. I know Grey would say the same.”
I forced a laugh and tried to ignore the way my stomach swirled with heat. Jagger’s worries were unnecessary because Deacon would never look at me like that, and I hated that I felt anything for him at all. “It’s not—there’s nothing—no, you have it wrong. Deacon and I fought earlier this week. He was trying to apologize tonight. That’s all.”
“Apologize.” Jagger’s tone was full of disbelief. “Do you have any clue how close the two of you were tonight?”
Yes. I knew exactly how close. I could still feel Deacon’s body pressed against mine, the way his fingers curled against me . . .
Irrational, betraying heart.
“I didn’t want to talk to him. I’d already walked away from him. He was trying to keep me there so I would listen to him.”
Jagger’s eyes narrowed. “Are you gonna tell me what he was trying to apologize for?”
“No.”
He nodded, as if he’d expected the answer. “All right. And you swear there isn’t something else going on between the two of you?”
“Jagger, I have only ever been with Ben. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I have a son. Do you really think the next guy I’d choose would end up being one of the two remaining town man-whores?”
Jagger shrugged. “You surprised me before.”
