Sinner
Page 5
I shrugged and looked back at my phone. I typed in frontal lobatomy. It autocorrected. Turns out you can’t spell lobotomy without ooo.
“Isabel.”
I didn’t look up. “The Artemis leggings in charcoal sort of do the same thing.” When nobody moved, I lifted a limp hand and jerked it in the direction of the Artemis collection.
Fifteen minutes later, Christina had bought two tanks, a sisal belt, and two pairs of Artemis leggings, all for the price of a cut-rate tonsillectomy.
After she’d gone, Sierra told me, “You are such a bitch.” She slapped my butt fondly.
I didn’t really like people to touch me.
I shoved off the stool and headed toward the back. “I’m going to go sit with the orchids now.”
“You’ve earned it.”
What I had earned was a trophy for generalized disinterest.
It felt as if it had taken all of my energy to be so limply disengaged.
As I pulled aside the linen curtain to the back room, I heard the front door open again. If it was Christina returning to make a second effort at my leggings, I was going to be forced to get loud, and I didn’t like getting loud.
But it wasn’t Christina I heard at the front of the store.
Instead, a very familiar voice said, “No, no, I’m looking for something very particular. Oh, wait, I just saw it.”
I turned around.
Cole St. Clair smiled lazily at me.
Chapter Three
· isabel · I gave so many damns at once that it actually hurt.
It was impossible to understand the truth of the moment.
For starters, because Cole St. Clair was like the Christina, in that he generally appeared famous and not true and not really present in any given moment. There was always a dissonance between him and his surroundings, as if he were being smoothly and handsomely projected from a distant location.
And second: Cole was a wolf.
I didn’t know if I was glad to see him or scared to see him.
I had seen him laid out on the floor with a needle in his arm; I’d seen him shift into a wolf right in front of me; I’d seen him begging me to help him die.
And third: He had seen me cry. I didn’t know if I could live with that.
Why are you here? Are you here for me?
“Heya,” he said. He was still smiling that slow, easy smile at me. He had the best smile in the world, and lots of people had told him about it. His awareness of the smile’s charms should have diminished its power, but that casual arrogance was part of its glory.
But I had been inoculated several months before, and since then, I’d been building up resistance. I was now immune.
We stood two feet apart. There was a buffer of history between us, and everything else pulling us together.
“You could have called,” I said stupidly.
He grinned wider. He gestured grandly at himself, narrowly avoiding knocking over a rack of filmy shirts. “That would’ve ruined this.”
The entire store looked different with him standing there.
Like he’d pulled the afternoon sun in the door with him.
“What is this?” I asked.
“Ta-da.” He was trying really hard to keep his Cole St. Clair smile on instead of his real one. Every time the real one came close to breaking through, my heart crashed.
I was aware that we had an audience. Not full-on staring — they were trying to be polite about it — but soft-focus curiosity.
I wanted to take this out onto the sidewalk, or into the back, or at least look at my hands to make sure they weren’t shaking like they felt they were, but I couldn’t quite put it all together.
Here was the thing: I was in love with Cole.
Or had been. Or was going to be. I couldn’t tell the difference.
I didn’t know if he was here for me, though, and I couldn’t take it if he wasn’t. There was no way, actually, that he’d come all this way from Minnesota for me. Probably he just stopped by to say hi after moving here for something else. That was why he hadn’t called first.
“Come on,” I snapped. “Out back. You have time?”
He idled after me as if time was all he had. On the way through the opening into the back room, he raised his eyebrow at Sierra as if he was used to my tone.
Was this really happening?
I led him through the back room, which was cluttered with neonatal leggings and aborted tunics in every shade of khaki.
Then we were out in the blue-washed alley. There was a trash bin, but it didn’t smell — it was full of cardboard and dead plants. There was Sierra’s old Beetle, but it didn’t run — it was also full of cardboard and dead plants.
As I led him out beside the car, I talked myself down, explaining to myself all of the ways that his being here changed nothing, meant nothing, was nothing. Nothing, nothing.
I turned around, my mouth open to say something else scathing about him not calling me before showing up in my state, in my work, in my life.
But then he wrapped his arms around me.
My breath stopped as if he’d slapped a hand over my mouth.
I didn’t hug him back right away, because I didn’t have enough information to know how to hug him back.
He smelled like strange airport hand soap and felt like a hole to fall into.
Cole stepped back. I couldn’t tell from his face what was going on.
“Why did you do that?” I asked.
“Hello, too,” he replied.
“Hello is what you say when you first call someone.”
He was completely unoffended. “You don’t call someone before ta-da.”
“Maybe I don’t like ta-das.”
Honestly, I had no idea what I liked. I only knew that my heart was galloping so fast that my fingers were numb. Logically, I knew it was just from surprise, but I didn’t know if it was like Surprise, here is a cake or Surprise, you’ve had a stroke.
In front of me, Cole’s smile had emptied. His eyes were going blank, which was what happened to Cole when you hurt him. The real Cole vacated the situation and left his body standing by itself.
Cruelly, I was grateful for it, as grateful as I’d been for the brief glimpse of his true smile earlier. Because this reaction was real. It meant he really cared how I felt about this reunion. A smile I couldn’t trust, but pain — I knew what the genuine article looked like.
“Look,” I said. “You can’t just show up and expect me to scream and giggle, because I’m not that person. So don’t look all hurt because I’m not doing that.”
“Isabel.”
I didn’t look up. “The Artemis leggings in charcoal sort of do the same thing.” When nobody moved, I lifted a limp hand and jerked it in the direction of the Artemis collection.
Fifteen minutes later, Christina had bought two tanks, a sisal belt, and two pairs of Artemis leggings, all for the price of a cut-rate tonsillectomy.
After she’d gone, Sierra told me, “You are such a bitch.” She slapped my butt fondly.
I didn’t really like people to touch me.
I shoved off the stool and headed toward the back. “I’m going to go sit with the orchids now.”
“You’ve earned it.”
What I had earned was a trophy for generalized disinterest.
It felt as if it had taken all of my energy to be so limply disengaged.
As I pulled aside the linen curtain to the back room, I heard the front door open again. If it was Christina returning to make a second effort at my leggings, I was going to be forced to get loud, and I didn’t like getting loud.
But it wasn’t Christina I heard at the front of the store.
Instead, a very familiar voice said, “No, no, I’m looking for something very particular. Oh, wait, I just saw it.”
I turned around.
Cole St. Clair smiled lazily at me.
Chapter Three
· isabel · I gave so many damns at once that it actually hurt.
It was impossible to understand the truth of the moment.
For starters, because Cole St. Clair was like the Christina, in that he generally appeared famous and not true and not really present in any given moment. There was always a dissonance between him and his surroundings, as if he were being smoothly and handsomely projected from a distant location.
And second: Cole was a wolf.
I didn’t know if I was glad to see him or scared to see him.
I had seen him laid out on the floor with a needle in his arm; I’d seen him shift into a wolf right in front of me; I’d seen him begging me to help him die.
And third: He had seen me cry. I didn’t know if I could live with that.
Why are you here? Are you here for me?
“Heya,” he said. He was still smiling that slow, easy smile at me. He had the best smile in the world, and lots of people had told him about it. His awareness of the smile’s charms should have diminished its power, but that casual arrogance was part of its glory.
But I had been inoculated several months before, and since then, I’d been building up resistance. I was now immune.
We stood two feet apart. There was a buffer of history between us, and everything else pulling us together.
“You could have called,” I said stupidly.
He grinned wider. He gestured grandly at himself, narrowly avoiding knocking over a rack of filmy shirts. “That would’ve ruined this.”
The entire store looked different with him standing there.
Like he’d pulled the afternoon sun in the door with him.
“What is this?” I asked.
“Ta-da.” He was trying really hard to keep his Cole St. Clair smile on instead of his real one. Every time the real one came close to breaking through, my heart crashed.
I was aware that we had an audience. Not full-on staring — they were trying to be polite about it — but soft-focus curiosity.
I wanted to take this out onto the sidewalk, or into the back, or at least look at my hands to make sure they weren’t shaking like they felt they were, but I couldn’t quite put it all together.
Here was the thing: I was in love with Cole.
Or had been. Or was going to be. I couldn’t tell the difference.
I didn’t know if he was here for me, though, and I couldn’t take it if he wasn’t. There was no way, actually, that he’d come all this way from Minnesota for me. Probably he just stopped by to say hi after moving here for something else. That was why he hadn’t called first.
“Come on,” I snapped. “Out back. You have time?”
He idled after me as if time was all he had. On the way through the opening into the back room, he raised his eyebrow at Sierra as if he was used to my tone.
Was this really happening?
I led him through the back room, which was cluttered with neonatal leggings and aborted tunics in every shade of khaki.
Then we were out in the blue-washed alley. There was a trash bin, but it didn’t smell — it was full of cardboard and dead plants. There was Sierra’s old Beetle, but it didn’t run — it was also full of cardboard and dead plants.
As I led him out beside the car, I talked myself down, explaining to myself all of the ways that his being here changed nothing, meant nothing, was nothing. Nothing, nothing.
I turned around, my mouth open to say something else scathing about him not calling me before showing up in my state, in my work, in my life.
But then he wrapped his arms around me.
My breath stopped as if he’d slapped a hand over my mouth.
I didn’t hug him back right away, because I didn’t have enough information to know how to hug him back.
He smelled like strange airport hand soap and felt like a hole to fall into.
Cole stepped back. I couldn’t tell from his face what was going on.
“Why did you do that?” I asked.
“Hello, too,” he replied.
“Hello is what you say when you first call someone.”
He was completely unoffended. “You don’t call someone before ta-da.”
“Maybe I don’t like ta-das.”
Honestly, I had no idea what I liked. I only knew that my heart was galloping so fast that my fingers were numb. Logically, I knew it was just from surprise, but I didn’t know if it was like Surprise, here is a cake or Surprise, you’ve had a stroke.
In front of me, Cole’s smile had emptied. His eyes were going blank, which was what happened to Cole when you hurt him. The real Cole vacated the situation and left his body standing by itself.
Cruelly, I was grateful for it, as grateful as I’d been for the brief glimpse of his true smile earlier. Because this reaction was real. It meant he really cared how I felt about this reunion. A smile I couldn’t trust, but pain — I knew what the genuine article looked like.
“Look,” I said. “You can’t just show up and expect me to scream and giggle, because I’m not that person. So don’t look all hurt because I’m not doing that.”
