Skin Game
Page 51
I just stared at him for a moment.
Im sorry, he said. I know you were expecting me to share words of wisdom with you, maybe say something to you about God and your soul and forgiveness and redemption. And all those things are good things that need to be said in the right time, but . . . honestly, Harry. I wouldnt be your friend if I didnt point out to you that you are behaving like an amazingly pigheaded idiot.
I am? I asked, a little blankly.
He stared at me for a second, anger and pain on his faceand then they vanished, and he smiled, his eyes flickering as merrily as a Christmas Eve fire. I suddenly realized where Molly got her smile. Something very like laughter bubbled just under the surface of his words. Yes, Harry. You idiot. You are.
I dont understand, I said.
He eyed our beers, which were empty. That tends to happen with Macs microbrews. He went to the fridge and opened another pair of bottles with the power of Thor, and put one of them in front of me. We clinked and drinked.
Harry, he said, after a meditative moment, are you perfect?
No, I said.
He nodded. Omniscient?
I snorted. No.
Can you go into the past, change things that have already happened?
Theoretically? I asked.
He gave me a level stare.
I hear that sometimes, some things can be done. But apparently its tricky as hell. And Ive got no idea how, I said.
So can you?
No, I said.
In other words, he said, despite all the things you know, and all the incredible things you can do . . . youre only human.
I frowned at him and swigged beer.
Then why, Michael asked, are you expecting perfection out of yourself? Do you really think youre that much better than the rest of us? That your powers make you a higher quality of human being? That your knowledge places you on a higher plane than everyone else on this world?
I eyed the beer and felt . . . embarrassed.
Thats arrogance, Harry, he said gently. On a level so deep you dont even realize it exists. And do you know why its there?
No? I asked.
He smiled again. Because you have set a higher standard for yourself. You think that because you have more power than others, you have to do more with it.
To whom much is given, much is required, I said, without look- ing up.
He barked out a short laugh. For someone who repeatedly tells me he has no faith, you have a surprising capacity to quote scripture. And thats just my point.
I eyed him. What?
You wouldntbe twisting yourself into knots like this, Harry, if you didnt care.
So?
Monsters dont care, Michael said. The damned dont care, Harry. The only way to go beyond redemption is to choose to take yourself there. The only way to do it is to stop caring.
My view of the kitchen blurred out. You think?
Ill tell you what I think, Michael said. I think that you arent perfect. And that means that sometimes you make bad choices. But . . . honestly, I dont know if I would have done any differently, if it had been one of my children at risk.
Not you, I said quietly. You wouldnt have done what I did.
I couldnt have done what you did, Michael said simply. And I havent had to be standing in your shoes to make those same choices. He tilted his beer slightly toward the ceiling. Thank you, God. So if youve come here for judgment, Harry, you wont find any from me. Ive made mistakes. Ive failed. Im human.
But these mistakes, I said, could change me. I could wind up like these people around Nicodemus.
Michael snorted. No, you wont.
Why not?
Because I know you, Harry Dresden, Michael said. You are pathologically incapable of knowing when to quit. You dont surrender. And I dont believe for a second that you actually intend to help Nicodemus do whatever it is hes doing.
I felt a smile tug at one corner of my mouth.
Hah, Michael said, sitting back in his chair. He swallowed some more beer. I thought so.
Its tricky, I said. Ive got to help him get whatever hes after. Technically.
Michael wrinkled his nose. Faeries. I never understood why theyre such lawyers about everything.
Im the Winter Knight, I said, and I dont get it either.
I find that oddly reassuring, Michael said.
I barked out a short laugh. Yeah. Maybe so.
His face grew more serious. Nicodemus knows treachery like fish know water, he said. He surely knows the direction of your intent. Hes smart, Harry. Hes got centuries of survival behind him.
True, I said. On the other hand, Im not exactly a useless cream puff.
His eyes glinted. Also true, he said.
And Murphys there, I said.
Good, Michael said, rapping the bottle on the table for emphasis. That womans got brains and heart.
Im sorry, he said. I know you were expecting me to share words of wisdom with you, maybe say something to you about God and your soul and forgiveness and redemption. And all those things are good things that need to be said in the right time, but . . . honestly, Harry. I wouldnt be your friend if I didnt point out to you that you are behaving like an amazingly pigheaded idiot.
I am? I asked, a little blankly.
He stared at me for a second, anger and pain on his faceand then they vanished, and he smiled, his eyes flickering as merrily as a Christmas Eve fire. I suddenly realized where Molly got her smile. Something very like laughter bubbled just under the surface of his words. Yes, Harry. You idiot. You are.
I dont understand, I said.
He eyed our beers, which were empty. That tends to happen with Macs microbrews. He went to the fridge and opened another pair of bottles with the power of Thor, and put one of them in front of me. We clinked and drinked.
Harry, he said, after a meditative moment, are you perfect?
No, I said.
He nodded. Omniscient?
I snorted. No.
Can you go into the past, change things that have already happened?
Theoretically? I asked.
He gave me a level stare.
I hear that sometimes, some things can be done. But apparently its tricky as hell. And Ive got no idea how, I said.
So can you?
No, I said.
In other words, he said, despite all the things you know, and all the incredible things you can do . . . youre only human.
I frowned at him and swigged beer.
Then why, Michael asked, are you expecting perfection out of yourself? Do you really think youre that much better than the rest of us? That your powers make you a higher quality of human being? That your knowledge places you on a higher plane than everyone else on this world?
I eyed the beer and felt . . . embarrassed.
Thats arrogance, Harry, he said gently. On a level so deep you dont even realize it exists. And do you know why its there?
No? I asked.
He smiled again. Because you have set a higher standard for yourself. You think that because you have more power than others, you have to do more with it.
To whom much is given, much is required, I said, without look- ing up.
He barked out a short laugh. For someone who repeatedly tells me he has no faith, you have a surprising capacity to quote scripture. And thats just my point.
I eyed him. What?
You wouldntbe twisting yourself into knots like this, Harry, if you didnt care.
So?
Monsters dont care, Michael said. The damned dont care, Harry. The only way to go beyond redemption is to choose to take yourself there. The only way to do it is to stop caring.
My view of the kitchen blurred out. You think?
Ill tell you what I think, Michael said. I think that you arent perfect. And that means that sometimes you make bad choices. But . . . honestly, I dont know if I would have done any differently, if it had been one of my children at risk.
Not you, I said quietly. You wouldnt have done what I did.
I couldnt have done what you did, Michael said simply. And I havent had to be standing in your shoes to make those same choices. He tilted his beer slightly toward the ceiling. Thank you, God. So if youve come here for judgment, Harry, you wont find any from me. Ive made mistakes. Ive failed. Im human.
But these mistakes, I said, could change me. I could wind up like these people around Nicodemus.
Michael snorted. No, you wont.
Why not?
Because I know you, Harry Dresden, Michael said. You are pathologically incapable of knowing when to quit. You dont surrender. And I dont believe for a second that you actually intend to help Nicodemus do whatever it is hes doing.
I felt a smile tug at one corner of my mouth.
Hah, Michael said, sitting back in his chair. He swallowed some more beer. I thought so.
Its tricky, I said. Ive got to help him get whatever hes after. Technically.
Michael wrinkled his nose. Faeries. I never understood why theyre such lawyers about everything.
Im the Winter Knight, I said, and I dont get it either.
I find that oddly reassuring, Michael said.
I barked out a short laugh. Yeah. Maybe so.
His face grew more serious. Nicodemus knows treachery like fish know water, he said. He surely knows the direction of your intent. Hes smart, Harry. Hes got centuries of survival behind him.
True, I said. On the other hand, Im not exactly a useless cream puff.
His eyes glinted. Also true, he said.
And Murphys there, I said.
Good, Michael said, rapping the bottle on the table for emphasis. That womans got brains and heart.
