Soul Music

Page 30

creaked continuously, partly because of all the machinery and partly because the orang-utan was wrenching both handles, jumping up and down on the Fire pedal, and screaming at the top of his voice. 'I wouldn't have it in the place,' said the barman behind him. 'But it's popular with the customers, you see.' ONE CUSTOMER, ANYWAY. 'Well, it's better than the fruit machine, at least.' YES? 'He ate all the fruit.' There was a screech of rage from the direction of the machine. The barman sighed. 'You wouldn't think anyone'd make so much fuss over a penny, would you?' The ape slammed a dollar coin on the counter and went away with two handfuls of change. One penny in a slot allowed a very large lever to be pulled; miraculously, all the Barbarians rose from the dead and began their wobbly invasion again. 'He poured his drink into it,' said the barman. 'It may be my imagination, but I think they're wobbling a bit more now.' Death watched the game for a while. It was one of the most depressing things he'd ever seen. The things were going to get down to the bottom of the game anyway. Why shoot things at them? Why...? He waved his glass at the assembled drinkers. D'YOU. D'YOU. THING IS, D'YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE, EH, HAVING A MEMORY SO GOOD, RIGHT, SO GOOD YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHAT HASN'T HAPPENED YET? THAT'S ME. OH, YES. RIGHT ENOUGH. AS THOUGH. AS THOUGH. AS THOUGH THERE'S NO FUTURE . . . ONLY THE PAST THAT HASN'T HAPPENED YET. AND. AND. AND. YOU HAVE TO DO THINGS ANYWAY. YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AND YOU HAVE TO DO THINGS. He looked around at the faces. People in the Drum were used to alcoholic lectures, but not ones like this. YOU SEE. YOU SHEE. YOU SEE STUFF LOOMING UP LIKE ICEBERG THINGS AHEAD BUT YOU MUSTN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE -BECAUSE BECAUSEITSALAW. CAN'T BREAK THE LAW. 'SGOTABEALAW. SEE THIS GLASS, RIGHT? SEE IT? 'S LIKE MEMORY. ONNACOUNTA IF YOU PUT MORE STUFF IN, MORE STUFF FLOWS OUT, RIGHT? 'S' FACT. EVERYONEGOTTA MEMORY LIKE THIS. 'S'WHAT KEEPS HUMANS FROM GOING ISS- ISH- INSH- MAD. 'CEPT ME. POOROLE ME. I REMEMBER EVERYTHING. AS IF IT HAPPENED ONLY TOMORROW. EVERYTHING. He looked down at his drink. AH, he said, FUNNY HOW THINGS COME BACK TO YOU, ISN'T IT? It was the most impressive collapse the bar had ever seen. The tall dark stranger fell backwards slowly, like a tree. There was no cissy sagging of the knees, no cop-out bouncing off a table on the way down. He simply went from vertical to horizontal in one marvellous geometric sweep. Several people applauded as he hit the floor. Then they searched his pockets, or at least made an effort to search his pockets but couldn't find any. And then they threw him into the river.[24] In the giant black study of Death one candle burned, and got no shorter. Susan leafed frantically through the books. Life wasn't simple. She knew that; it was the Knowledge, which went with the job. There was
the simple life of living things but that was, well . . . simple . . . There were other kinds of life. Cities had life. Anthills and swarms of bees had life, a whole greater than the sum of the parts. Worlds had life. Gods had a life made up of the belief of their believers. The universe danced towards life. Life was a remarkably common commodity. Anything sufficiently complicated seemed to get cut in for some, in the same way that anything massive enough got a generous helping of gravity. The universe had a definite tendency towards awareness. This suggested a certain subtle cruelty woven into the very fabric of space-time. Perhaps even a music could be alive, if it was old enough. Life is a habit. People said: I can't get that darn tune out of my head . . . Not just a beat, but a heartbeat. And anything alive wants to breed. C. M. O. T. Dibbler liked to be up at first light, in case there was an opportunity to sell a worm to the early bird. He had set up a desk in the corner of one of Chalky's workshops. He was, by and large, against the idea of a permanent office. On the positive side it made him easier to find, but on the negative side it made him easier to find. The success of Dibbler's commercial strategy hinged on him being able to find customers, not the other way around. Quite a large number of people seemed to have found him this morning. Many of them were holding guitars. 'Right,' he said to Asphalt, whose flat head was just visible over the top of the makeshift desk. 'All understood? It'll take you two days to get to Pseudopolis and then you report to Mr Klopstock at the Bull Pit. And I'll want receipts for everything.'
'Yes, Mr Dibbler.'
'It'll be a good idea to get away from the city for a bit.'
'Yes, Mr Dibbler.'
'Did I already say I wanted receipts for everything?'
'Yes, Mr Dibbler,' sighed Asphalt. 'Off you go, then.' Dibbler ignored the troll and beckoned to a group of dwarfs who'd been hanging around patiently. 'OK, you lot, come over here. So you want to be Music With Rocks In stars, do you?'
'Yes, sir!'
'Then listen here to what I say . . .' Asphalt looked at the money. It wasn't much to feed four people for several days. Behind him, the interview continued. 'So what do you call yourselves?'
'Er - dwarfs, Mr Dibbler,' said the lead dwarf. I “Dwarfs”?'
'Yes, sir.' ,Why?, 'Because we are, Mr Dibbler,' said the lead dwarf patiently. 'No, no, no. That won't do. That won't do at all. You gotta have a name with a bit of-' Dibbler waved his hands in the air, '-with a bit of Music With Rocks In . . . uh . . . in. Not just “Dwarfs”. You gotta be . . . oh, I don't know . . . something more interesting.'
'But we're certainly dwarfs,' said one of the dwarfs. '“We're Certainly Dwarfs”,' said Dibbler. 'Yes, that might work. OK. I can book you in at the Bunch of Grapes on Thursday. And into the Free Festival, of course. Since it's free you don't get paid, of course.'
'We've written this song,' said the head dwarf, hopefully. 'Good, good,' said Dibbler, scribbling on his notepad.
'It's called “Something's Gotten Into My Beard”.'
'Good.'
'Don't you want to hear it?' Dibbler looked up. 'Hear it? I'd never get anything done if I went around listening to music. Off you go. See you next Wednesday. Next! You all trolls?'
'Days right.' In this case, Dibbler decided not to argue. Trolls were a lot bigger than dwarfs. 'All right. But you've got to spell it with a Z. Trollz. Yep, looks good. Mended Drum, Friday. And the Free Festival. Yes?'
'We've done a song-'
'Good for you. Next!'
'It's us, Mr Dibbler.' Dibbler looked at Jimbo, Noddy, Crash and Scum. 'You've got a nerve,' he said, 'after last night.'
'We got a bit carried away,' said Crash. 'We was wondering if we could have another chance?'
'You did say the audience loved us,' said Noddy. 'Loathed you. I said the audience loathed you,' said Dibbler. 'Two of you kept looking at Blert Wheedown's guitar primer!'
'We've changed our name,' said Jimbo. 'We thought, well, Insanity was a bit daft, it's not a proper name for a serious band that's pushing back the boundaries of musical expression and is definitely going to be big one day.'
'Thursday,' nodded Noddy. 'So now we're Suck,' said Crash. Dibbler gave them a long, cool look. Bear-baiting, bullharassing, dog-fighting and sheep- worrying were currently banned in Ankh-Morpork, although the Patrician did permit the unrestricted hurling of rotten fruit at anyone suspected of belonging to a street theatre group. There was perhaps an opening. 'All right,' he said. 'You can play at the Festival. After that . . . we'll see.' After all, he thought, there was a possibility that they'd still be alive. A figure climbed slowly and unsteadily out of the Ankh on to a jetty by the Misbegot Bridge, and stood for a moment as mud dripped off him and formed a puddle under the planks. The bridge was quite high. There were buildings on it, lining it on both sides so that the actual roadway was quite cramped. The bridges were quite popular as building sites, because they had a very convenient sewage system and, of course, a source of fresh water. There was the red eye of afire in the shadows under the bridge. The figure staggered towards the light. The dark shapes around it turned and squinted into the gloom, trying to fathom the nature of the visitor. 'It's a farm cart,' said Glod. 'I know a farm cart when I see one. Even if it is painted blue. And it's all battered.'
'It's all you can afford,' said Asphalt. 'Anyway, I put fresh straw in.'
'I thought we were going in the stagecoach,' said Cliff. 'Oh, Mr Dibbler says artistes of your calibre shouldn't travel in a common public vehicle,' said Asphalt. 'Besides, he said you wouldn't want the expense.'
'What do you think, Buddy?' said Glod. 'Don't mind,' said Buddy vaguely. Glod and Cliff shared a glance. 'I bet if you were to go and see Dibbler and demand something better, you'd get it,' said Glod hopefully.
'It's got wheels,' said Buddy. 'It'll do.' . He climbed aboard and sat down in the straw. 'Mr Dibbler's had some new shirts done,' said Asphalt, aware that there was not a lot of jolliness in the air. 'It's for the tour. Look, it says on the back everywhere you're going, isn't that nice?'
'Yes, when the Musicians' Guild twist our heads round we'll be able to see where we've been,' said Glod. Asphalt cracked his whip over the horses. They ambled off at a pace that suggested they intended to keep it up all day, and no idiot too soft to really use a whip properly was going to change their minds. 'Buggrit, buggrit! The grawney man, says I. Buggrit. He's a yellow gloak, so he is. Ten thousand years! Buggrit.' REALLY? Death relaxed. There were half a dozen people around the fire. And they were convivial. A bottle was circling the group. Well, actually it was half a tin, and Death hadn't quite worked out what was in it or in the rather larger tin that was bubbling on the fire of old boots and mud. They hadn't asked him who he was. None of them had names, as far as he could tell. They had . . . labels, like Stalling Ken and Coffin Henry and Foul Ole Ron, which said something about what they were but nothing about what they had been. The tin reached him. He passed it on as tactfully as he could, and lay back peacefully. People without names. People who were as invisible as he was. People for whom Death was always an option. He could stay here awhile. 'Free music,' Mr Clete growled. 'Free! What sort of idiot makes music for free? At least you put a hat down, get people to drop the odd copper in. Otherwise what's the point?' He stared at the paperwork in front of him for so long that Satchelmouth coughed politely. 'I'm thinking,' said Mr Clete. 'That wretched Vetinari. He said it's up to Guilds to enforce guild law-'
'I heard they're leaving the city,' said Satchelmouth. 'On tour. Out in the country, I heard. It's not our law out there.'
'The country,' said Mr Clete. 'Yes. Dangerous place, the country.'
'Right,' said Satchelmouth. 'There's turnips, for a start.' Mr Clete's eye fell on the Guild's account books. It occurred to him, not for the first time, that far too many people put their trust in iron and steel when gold made some of the best possible weapons. 'Is Mr Downey still head of the Assassins' Guild?' he said. The other musicians looked suddenly nervous. 'Assassins?' said Herbert 'Mr Harpsichord' Shuffle. 'I don't think anyone's ever called in the Assassins. This is guild business, isn't it? Can't have another guild interfering.'
'That's right,' said Satchelmouth. 'What'd happen if people knew we'd used the Assassins?'
'We'd get a lot more members,' said Mr Clete in his reasonable voice, 'and we could probably put the subscriptions up. Hat. Hat. Hat.'
'Now hang on a minute,' said Satchelmouth. 'I don't mind us seeing to people who won't join. That's proper guild behaviour, that is. But Assassins . . . well . . .'
'Well what?' said Mr Clete. 'They assassinate people.'
'You want free music, do you?' said Mr Clete. 'Well, of course I don't want-'