Spider Game
Page 91
“The thing is, Trap,” she said softly, “I do understand. You’re not in this alone. I had nothing. I lived in a void, a kind of hell. Maybe I thought I belonged there because I was convinced by everyone around me that I wasn’t human. I believed I didn’t deserve anything at all. Until you saw me. The human. Until you chose me. I had nothing to live for. I had nothing at all, until you gave me you. So please don’t tell me I don’t understand. You were out there, in danger. You pushed aside all feeling and you did your job. When you did it, you weren’t thinking about whether or not you could be killed and what would happen to me if you did. You simply did what you were trained to do. You aren’t less than me. I don’t love you less.”
His heart clenched so hard he thought it might shatter. Love. There it was. She said it. Brought it right out into the open. He had skirted carefully around that particular word and the terrible emotion it conjured up. A single word couldn’t describe the way he felt about her. There was no getting around it. The powerful, overwhelming emotion he felt for her had to be love and more. More than love. Worship maybe. Whatever, she couldn’t leave him.
He didn’t know if he was steadying her or himself when he pulled her closer to him, when he fit her small body against his side. It wasn’t the revelation of how she felt that got to him. It was her voice. That soft, shaky admission. Close to tears. The revelation of love. Of fear. No, not just fear. A soul-shattering terror. It was there in her voice. In her mind.
Cayenne always gave him everything without reservation. She wasn’t ashamed of her feelings or what that exposed to him. She didn’t care that by knowing how she felt, he might have power over her. She just gave him everything. Straight up.
His hand moved over her face, brushing aside her hair. “Baby.” He said it softly. “I can’t breathe right now.”
“Then kiss me and I’ll breathe for you,” she whispered back. In that voice. The one that could turn a roomful of decent men into a pack of salivating hounds. The one that sent fingers of desire dancing up his thighs and down his spine to spread through his bloodstream straight to his cock.
He didn’t deny either of them. He needed to kiss her. More than he needed to draw air into his lungs, he had to kiss her. He bent his head and took her mouth. She opened to him instantly. He didn’t take her along for the ride on the kiss, she participated fully. Her lips were soft, his were hard. She was cool. He was hot. His mouth melted her as he took possession, his tongue stroking along hers. She had paid close attention every time he kissed her or touched her and she learned fast.
They exchanged breath. Air. Passion. He felt it, the rage retreating under the force of her love. Of her giving. She gutted him with her kiss. With her love.
You give me everything. All of you. I can taste you in my mouth. In my lungs. You’re wrapped around my heart. Stamped into my bones. He gave her that because she deserved to know. She had to know. Baby, you can’t risk yourself. I wouldn’t survive the loss. Not intact. You have to give me this.
Trap. She kissed him again, melting into him. I would give you anything. I want to give you what you’re asking, but you aren’t being logical.
Fuck logic. He lifted his head, his hand spanning her throat, his thumb on her jaw, holding her head still. “Fuck logic,” he said aloud for emphasis.
That little tongue of hers came out again, moistening her lips. Lips swollen from his kisses. “I have to be me. I’m a warrior, just like you. I have to be me. You have to love that part of me, Trap, just like I love all of you. Was I terrified for you? Yes. Did I know you had to do it? Yes. Did I believe in you? Yes.”
“It isn’t about believing in you.” He raked his free hand through his hair, wanting to fist it and tug in sheer frustration. “I can’t do this with you in danger.”
“Yes, you can. You have to. Because we’re always going to be in danger,” she said. “When we have children, they’ll be in danger. You have to trust us. Trust me that I know what I’m doing just like you know.”
“They have armor-piercing bullets. You think they aren’t going to use them?”
“They did. That’s why the bullet penetrated almost completely through the silk, but Trap, I knew it would. I’ve been shot before. Did you think they hadn’t used them on me when I was in that maze with them? They tried everything. I couldn’t let Nonny die. I won’t be able to do anything but stand in front of our children either. That’s who I am.”
“Fuck.” The word exploded out of him.
“Trap.”
That was her answer. That would always be her answer. He could dictate, and he knew he would, but she would go her own way when she believed she was right. The rest of the time she’d give him everything.
He repeated the expletive several more times. She kept her eyes on his. He shook his head. “We do this your way, baby, and you’re fucking locked to my side. And by that I mean you go where I go, and you do what I say when we’re out in public. You have any more cooking lessons I’m there, not cute fucking Malichai. You got that?”
Her green eyes moved over his face. Soft. Warm. Loving. Turning his heart over. Making it stutter hard in his chest. A slow smile curved her mouth. That beautiful mouth he was putting to work the moment they got home.
“I got it, Trap.”
“You giving that to me?” he insisted. He wasn’t going to give her wiggle room. She was going to be with him for a long time. He wasn’t certain when the terror would recede enough to give her breathing room.
“I’m giving that to you.”
“Tell me what that is.”
“I’m glued to your side and you’re with me even when I do more cooking lessons with Nonny. You owe cute Malichai your thanks. He took good care of me.”
“Don’t want to hear that, baby.” But he could breathe now. Draw air into his lungs and let it out without that raw burn. Without the pain in his throat and the visceral tearing of his gut.
She leaned into him very heavily. “I want to go home, Trap. I want to be in our bed with our silks cocooning us. I want to feel your heartbeat. I want your cock in my mouth and then in my body. Deep. I want to feel you pounding into me hard and rough so I know you’re alive and that you’re mine. Can you give me that? I’m giving you what you need. Give me what I need.”
His heart clenched so hard he thought it might shatter. Love. There it was. She said it. Brought it right out into the open. He had skirted carefully around that particular word and the terrible emotion it conjured up. A single word couldn’t describe the way he felt about her. There was no getting around it. The powerful, overwhelming emotion he felt for her had to be love and more. More than love. Worship maybe. Whatever, she couldn’t leave him.
He didn’t know if he was steadying her or himself when he pulled her closer to him, when he fit her small body against his side. It wasn’t the revelation of how she felt that got to him. It was her voice. That soft, shaky admission. Close to tears. The revelation of love. Of fear. No, not just fear. A soul-shattering terror. It was there in her voice. In her mind.
Cayenne always gave him everything without reservation. She wasn’t ashamed of her feelings or what that exposed to him. She didn’t care that by knowing how she felt, he might have power over her. She just gave him everything. Straight up.
His hand moved over her face, brushing aside her hair. “Baby.” He said it softly. “I can’t breathe right now.”
“Then kiss me and I’ll breathe for you,” she whispered back. In that voice. The one that could turn a roomful of decent men into a pack of salivating hounds. The one that sent fingers of desire dancing up his thighs and down his spine to spread through his bloodstream straight to his cock.
He didn’t deny either of them. He needed to kiss her. More than he needed to draw air into his lungs, he had to kiss her. He bent his head and took her mouth. She opened to him instantly. He didn’t take her along for the ride on the kiss, she participated fully. Her lips were soft, his were hard. She was cool. He was hot. His mouth melted her as he took possession, his tongue stroking along hers. She had paid close attention every time he kissed her or touched her and she learned fast.
They exchanged breath. Air. Passion. He felt it, the rage retreating under the force of her love. Of her giving. She gutted him with her kiss. With her love.
You give me everything. All of you. I can taste you in my mouth. In my lungs. You’re wrapped around my heart. Stamped into my bones. He gave her that because she deserved to know. She had to know. Baby, you can’t risk yourself. I wouldn’t survive the loss. Not intact. You have to give me this.
Trap. She kissed him again, melting into him. I would give you anything. I want to give you what you’re asking, but you aren’t being logical.
Fuck logic. He lifted his head, his hand spanning her throat, his thumb on her jaw, holding her head still. “Fuck logic,” he said aloud for emphasis.
That little tongue of hers came out again, moistening her lips. Lips swollen from his kisses. “I have to be me. I’m a warrior, just like you. I have to be me. You have to love that part of me, Trap, just like I love all of you. Was I terrified for you? Yes. Did I know you had to do it? Yes. Did I believe in you? Yes.”
“It isn’t about believing in you.” He raked his free hand through his hair, wanting to fist it and tug in sheer frustration. “I can’t do this with you in danger.”
“Yes, you can. You have to. Because we’re always going to be in danger,” she said. “When we have children, they’ll be in danger. You have to trust us. Trust me that I know what I’m doing just like you know.”
“They have armor-piercing bullets. You think they aren’t going to use them?”
“They did. That’s why the bullet penetrated almost completely through the silk, but Trap, I knew it would. I’ve been shot before. Did you think they hadn’t used them on me when I was in that maze with them? They tried everything. I couldn’t let Nonny die. I won’t be able to do anything but stand in front of our children either. That’s who I am.”
“Fuck.” The word exploded out of him.
“Trap.”
That was her answer. That would always be her answer. He could dictate, and he knew he would, but she would go her own way when she believed she was right. The rest of the time she’d give him everything.
He repeated the expletive several more times. She kept her eyes on his. He shook his head. “We do this your way, baby, and you’re fucking locked to my side. And by that I mean you go where I go, and you do what I say when we’re out in public. You have any more cooking lessons I’m there, not cute fucking Malichai. You got that?”
Her green eyes moved over his face. Soft. Warm. Loving. Turning his heart over. Making it stutter hard in his chest. A slow smile curved her mouth. That beautiful mouth he was putting to work the moment they got home.
“I got it, Trap.”
“You giving that to me?” he insisted. He wasn’t going to give her wiggle room. She was going to be with him for a long time. He wasn’t certain when the terror would recede enough to give her breathing room.
“I’m giving that to you.”
“Tell me what that is.”
“I’m glued to your side and you’re with me even when I do more cooking lessons with Nonny. You owe cute Malichai your thanks. He took good care of me.”
“Don’t want to hear that, baby.” But he could breathe now. Draw air into his lungs and let it out without that raw burn. Without the pain in his throat and the visceral tearing of his gut.
She leaned into him very heavily. “I want to go home, Trap. I want to be in our bed with our silks cocooning us. I want to feel your heartbeat. I want your cock in my mouth and then in my body. Deep. I want to feel you pounding into me hard and rough so I know you’re alive and that you’re mine. Can you give me that? I’m giving you what you need. Give me what I need.”
